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Do I have the right to know were my H and DC's father lives - Long story sorry

(45 Posts)
steelchic Fri 05-Aug-11 15:19:28

Hi All
I have posted before but need some advice on how to handle this
Were to begin
Married 10 years together 14. 3 DC'S 25 (from my prev) 11 &7.
H left in Feb after being a total misery for 3 months. He was on a business trip abroad I called him and for some reason got on to his voice mail messages. There was a message from his land lord, he had rented a house 2 miles away from the family home - I knew nothing about it!!.
I confronted him with this, he denied it, he then told me he had rented a flat not a house (2nd time he's did this). He came back from his trip and moved into his new house.
I was devestated I felt my world was torn apart and the thought of the future without him was unbearable our 3 DC's were devestated.
He kept telling me he hadn't been happy and wanted to sort his self out but he didn't think we could sort our marriage (apparently our marriage had been terrible for years) I thought we were OK and actually happier than most.
Anyway he wouldn't tell me were he was living so I went round to the flats were I thought he was staying, no sign of his car. I went to were I thought the house wouid be and there was his car parked outside a lovely 3 bed detached house with garage. Also parked outside was another car.
To cut a long story short he had met someone else. he assured me she wasn't living with him, he met her through work his office is 200miles away from were we live and she comes from there (or so I'm told). He is based at home. He said she just came up for the odd few days. Anyway we talked about getting back together, we even went to couples councillling but he was unwilling to give her up so we stopped - no point.
All this time he has maintained a relationship with the DC's but he has always come to the family home to see them we have also had family days out etc. He has never and said he will never discuss the GF with me. As time went on it was apparant that she was a full time fixture I drove by his house a few times and her car was always there, even when he was away on business.
A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he was re newing his lease as it was up on the 3rd Aug (checked letting agents website). He mumbled that he would have to sort it out. I have found out that the house is now empty and I don't know where he lives, The thing that hurtsmost is that he told me It was a furnished house but it wasn't so he must have bought all new furniture for it and that takes time to organise so he must have planned this for ages.
I don't know if he has rented or bought a place
with her. But he still expects me to go on as we have been , him coming here taking kids out etc.
He is souch a liar my eyes have been opened I cannot believe that I wanted him back.
He was supposed to be coming over here tomorrow night to watch a DVD with the kids (and me) thats not happening now, how can he expext me to sit in the same room as him and be nice when he can't even give me the respect to let me know were he is living. He is now accusing me of not letting him see the kids he wanted to take them out but I have now made other plans.
I asked my PIL last night if they knew were he was (they didn't ) know he is blaming me as his mum got upset FFS he is the one who has lied he will not take responsibility for his actions
Sorry this is rambiling but I'm just so angry, he has treated me like a fool
Were do I go from here , he is not the man I married he is like a complete stranger'
I wish I could cut him out of my life but I can't cos of the kids
Help please

colditz Fri 05-Aug-11 15:26:28

You don't have the right to know where he lives.

But neither does he have the right to enter your house under any circumstances other than an emergency.

Don't let him in. Make him welcome to take the children out. He may wait in his care for them as they are all old enough to get themselves safely to the kerbside.

mumsamilitant Fri 05-Aug-11 15:30:16

Maybe you need to separate the issue of contact with the kids and you. Don't have him in the house. Make arrangements with him for access and let him pick kids up at your door. Other than that I don't think you need to know any more about his life. It will only cause you more pain.

steelchic Fri 05-Aug-11 15:31:52

surely I must have a right to have an address esp if he ever intends taking the DC's to his home. We still have financial things to sort out for instance today I had been on to someone to get something tranfered from his name into mine (that he had agreed to) they have to write to him.

AbbyAbsinthe Fri 05-Aug-11 15:35:33

If he decides to take the dc to his home, I would have thought that you can demand to know his address - don't know where you stand legally on that though.

But as it stands, he doesn't take them to his home, does he? Why not? Taking them out is one thing, but I wouldn't have him in my house to see his children!

steelchic Fri 05-Aug-11 15:38:11

I now don't want to know anything about his life but I think he should respect me as the mother of his children, who was a good and supportive wife to him and let me know were he stays. It would be totally irresposible for me to let him take the kids to an adress that I don't know. My daughter is a social worker and she says they would advise anyone not to let there kids go with an absent parent to an unknowen address

MajorB Fri 05-Aug-11 15:42:49

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, what a spineless coward he is to slink off from his commitments like this. BUT he has done you a huge favour by showing you exactly the type of man he is, and now you will have to act like you're made of steel, chic.
Unfortunately he has had the benefit of living a cosy life with you and the kids, whilst setting up home with another woman, this has to stop.
Obviously he has a right to see his kids, but this can be done away from the family home.
You also need to sit down together and explain to the children that daddy has decided he no longer wants to live with the family, and although he still loves the dc very much in future he will see them at x times, on y days.
Get yourself to a solicitor, and quick. Ring around this pm if you can, they usually offer a free half hour so feel free to make appointments with a few and go with the one who suits you best. You need to find out your entitlements with regards to your home, your finances and include the fact that if he has bought another house with another woman what is your stake in that?
Finally, and most upsettingly, if you haven't already done so get yourself checked for std's. It's not pleasant but is definitely wise in this situation.

You need to take back some control, this will make you feel stronger, and make him face up to the realities of his actions - he has walked away from his wife and children, but he's acting like he has two lives, one with you guys and another as a single man with a girlfriend, and that has to stop.

Lastly, please be kind to yourself, you are in a horrible situation and are probably feeling a rollerblades of emotions, so remember to drink lots of water (to rehydrate you from the crying!) get lots of rest, and hold your children close and remind them that you will always be there for them.


MajorB Fri 05-Aug-11 15:45:06

Sorry, forgot to say that by getting a solicitor on board I'm sure his address will come out, as it's either that or all the legal stuff be sent to his work place. X

AmberLeaf Fri 05-Aug-11 15:45:44

Hes sort of having his cake and eating it too.

Letting him come over to see the DCs is allowing that to continue.

He needs to grow up and sort proper contact...its not like he doesnt have a home big enough for them to stay over is it?

Hes taking the piss out of you and banking on your wanting the marriage to work in order to do so.

What a snaky shit he is.

Chin up OP you deserve better than this.

mumsamilitant Fri 05-Aug-11 15:48:06

Yes, I totally understand what you are saying. Maybe now though things need to become far more cut and dried is what I meant. He probably doesn't want you to know where he is as you've been and found him before and it seems things are still very very volatile. Let the dust settle, speak to him as if its strictly business and I'm sure things will be ok and you will get his address. I'm really not having a go at you honey.

steelchic Fri 05-Aug-11 15:48:07

I wouldn't let him take him to his house. beacuse of a few reasons. The 2 youngest DC's don't know he has someone else, he dosn't want to tell them as he is to much of a coward and he would not be able to handle any negative reactions from them. My DD is starting HS in 2 weeks she is going through enough up heavle just now and also gets upset at the thought of me or her dad meeting someone else. But I know the day will come when he get them. He also comes over to look after the kids when I'm working he can work from home for a couple of days and the kids get out to play with their friends i cannot afford child care on my part time wage and they get bored going to their grans.
I think what hurts is I have been more than reasonable I have never denied him anything always bent over backwards to make things as normal as poss for the kids. I have never hassled him or his GF (i have driven past the house but that is it , they didn't even know I was there) I could have confronted them but I have more dignity.

steelchic Fri 05-Aug-11 15:51:07

I know your not I'm just a bit over sensitive just now. I'm totally sick of his lies and hurt by the way he has treated me. I wish I had just been a total bitch from the start and not considered his feelings so much xxx

mumsamilitant Fri 05-Aug-11 15:54:03

Oh dear! things are still sooooo much in his favour arent they! You really need to stop enabling him. Please try to sort out other child care arrangements or all this will drive you nuts!!!!!!

mumsamilitant Fri 05-Aug-11 15:56:54

Bless you sweetheart. Having a rant is good. I'm sure you know what you need to do now though to protect your sainity!!!! xx

GypsyMoth Fri 05-Aug-11 16:00:43

I hope he's paying good maintenance? Time to hit him where it hurts? That sounds awful, but I'm angry for you!

Tell him you will need an address for the school etc fir emergency contact of other patent with PR, and do copies of school reports can be forwarded on to him

steelchic Fri 05-Aug-11 16:04:45

Major B & Amber
Thank you so much for your posts. He has done me a big favour by finally letting me see what a lying coward he is.
Yes he is having the best of both worlds (snakey shit is a good description ).
And it is time he faced up to the reality and the consequences of his actions. I will sort out a sol and sort out were I stand. I'm scared to rock the boat in away as we have no mortgage (my brother came into some money a few years ago and paid it off for us) So i now feel really bad as my brother did this for mine and the kids security and if i push things he can force a sale and get 1/2 the proceeds. I always thought he would never do this but now I'm not sure.
Anyone out there now the law on this (Scottish Law) xx

ImperialBlether Fri 05-Aug-11 16:05:53

I wonder whether this woman knows that you even exist, OP? If he sees the children in your home, he could easily say he was working.

You might not be the only person he's lied to.

I would never let my child go to his/her dad's house if I didn't know where the dad lives. If that goes to court, so be it. Your husband has proven himself to be untrustworthy and a liar. I'd like to see a judge say that he should be able to take them for the night and you not know where they are.

If his mum is nice and is trustworthy, could you have them meeting at her house? You could drop them off there, go out for a couple of hours, then pick them up later.

ImperialBlether Fri 05-Aug-11 16:07:19

But your brother did that for YOU, not for him! I hope there's a lawyer around who can tell you what's what with that.

Actually I don't think he can force you out anyway, can he, if you have the children? Again, you need to see a lawyer quickly.

AbbyAbsinthe Fri 05-Aug-11 16:11:12

Yes, I agree with the other posters who said that you could do with getting some legal advice. Do you have the Citizen's Advice Bureau in Scotland? They are excellent for this kind of thing, and it's free.

I really hope you manage to sort some things out - as it stands at the moment, he has all the cards. Lots of luck smile

steelchic Fri 05-Aug-11 16:13:11

Tiff, He is paying maintenance around £100 per month more than the CSA guide lines (so he has done his homework) but he has a good job and he is a company director. He gets a good salary but he is heavly taxed cos he has an expensive company car and also pay 45% tax. Before we split his take home pay was £2400 bonus but I'm sure he has had a rise since then he also has a good pension and bonus scheme. He denise getting a bonus this year and last but I'm sure he has as his company are doing good. The directors always take their bonus even when the staff don;t get theirs - thats what he used to tell me when he was staff (the bonus will be good but it maybe paid into his pension as this saves on income tax)
So i will see sol about this too xx

mummytime Fri 05-Aug-11 16:14:10

He will not have the right to make you sell the house and get half the proceeds! He has to provide a suitable home for your kids (and you), as he can already rent somewhere I would think he will get very little if any interest in your home. Go and sees a good solicitor and start the ball rolling. You have let him get away with too much already.

steelchic Fri 05-Aug-11 16:21:36

Imperial, She knows I exist and she knows about the kids. I don't know what lies he's told her and I know I'm bitter but she deserves all she gets. she must be desperate he is no great catch. I thought when you were in a new relationship you made an effort with yourself but he comes over here un shaven and looking a mess. (this is on the days he works from home) he is always smart for work. I actually thought they must have split up cos of the way he was looking. She is welcome to him xx

AmberLeaf Fri 05-Aug-11 16:22:04

See a solicitor asap......but say nothing of it to him!

steelchic Fri 05-Aug-11 16:26:48

abby, Yes we do have CAB in Scotland I need to do this asap. I always thought we could sort things without sols, but come to think of it he has never mentioned Sols or anything - this makes me thing he has checked out his situation and maybe he stands to loose more - maybe that is why he is giving me more than the CSA would tell him to give me. To keep me away from the legal side of things. He will be shitting himself incase I get some of his pension (I don't have one we always put it off)

AbbyAbsinthe Fri 05-Aug-11 17:16:04

Here's something I didn't know about CAB until I used them - if you need them in relation to something like this - whoever the first person is to visit, if the other ex-partner wants to use them afterwards for the same dispute, they're not allowed. So don't breathe a word of it to your ex.

And I think you're spot on with your theory, btw - he's keeping you sweet because he knows that he stands to lose out.

You fight your corner and stick to your guns smile

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