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What the hell do I do? (long, sorry)

(7 Posts)
Complicatedandthensome Fri 05-Aug-11 11:29:41

Name changed. I don't really know what I'm asking for really other than for you to let me vent, it's complicated and I don't know what want. 6 years ago my life was hard. I was in a stressful marriage that had suffered it's more than fair share of serious illness, bereavement, money worries etc. We loved each other dearly in the beginning, I believed he didn't love me anymore, in hindsight we probably just had way too much stress and got lost along the way. I became friendly with someone else on the phone through work. I left my husband and started to see that person. To cut a long story short I am now married to that person. I have given up everything of my old life. I live hundreds of miles away with no friends, no life, no job, apart from my children the only people here are his family. And his ex wife. Who is VERY friendly with his family. His marriage was difficult and over before I came along. I know his family would rather he was back with his ex, it has been said to me, she is the mother of his children. I am just a financial burden (despite the fact that I had a LOT of money when we married, we have no mortgage, I bought the house outright etc) I can't work as I don't speak the local language well enough to. I love my husband, but I'm questioning that love as all these other factors are making want to walk away. Im questioning every aspect of our relationship. I miss my ex (he is now remarried) My head is totally messed up. What do I do? Thank you for reading, I just needed to say it all out loud.

Earlybird Fri 05-Aug-11 11:34:56

How do you spend your days? Do you have local friends? Do you have children with your current dh (how long have you been married/living in his country)?

Sorry for all the questions.

Think in your shoes I'd take intensive local language lessons to:
get out of the house
have contact with others
prepare myself to be able to work/converse in my new country

You need to build a new life for yourself, outside of the relationship so you are not completely dependent on him. IMO.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Fri 05-Aug-11 11:40:01

Just a few nosy questions to help unpick what's going on here!

How long since you moved to the new country with new man?
(ie. is it early days still; maybe time will help you feel more settled and integrated, and help his family become more accepting of you.)

Why do you say you "had" a lot of money when you married? Is it now gone?

Who is it saying you are a financial burden: his family, him, or you?

Do you find you have a tendency to think the grass is greener in other aspects of your life?
(ie. regrets about leaving xh maybe largely because the new situation is a bit difficult and still in its teething stages?)

Complicatedandthensome Fri 05-Aug-11 11:54:58

Early - we don't have children together, I spend nearly all my time at home, I've been here 2 years. I think you are right, I need to improve my language skills and become more independent, thank you smile

Itsme - I've been here 2 years, we've been a couple 6. I said "had" money as now it's all tied up and joint, I was a good earner with a very healthy bank balance independently and now I'm financially dependant on my husband. His family view me as a burden, not my husband, they only see the current situation of me being dependent on him. Maybe I am suffering from grass is greener, you forget how difficult a relationship is to built don't you? And now I've said things out loud I've realised our relationship is still at the early stages with not run of the mill circumstances. I was with my ex for 20 years so realistically it's madness to compare now with then, I could only do that in 16 years surely? I'm forgetting my marriage is actually quite new......

natandjacob Fri 05-Aug-11 13:27:23

sometimes you just need to get everything that your thinking out on paper or on here so that you can see it all and organise your life from it. I agree that language lessons would be a massive help, also any other little classes or groups you can find that you have an interest in could help. it takes little steps to get the life you want and a relationship does take time.
Ignore your husbands family, your not the only person not working at the moment but you'll get there smile

RudeEnglishLady Fri 05-Aug-11 14:27:20

What kind of country are you in? EU sort of country or further afield? I do think that learning the language is a good idea and it does give you something to do but IME you make the best friends with other Ex-pats. Ex-pats also like to meet new Ex-pats so if you can find a couple of local events or groups you should be able to make friends (probably easier than at home).
Google for English speaking womens groups, try the local US military base, US or GB Embassies, ask your GP, speak to the Town Hall... If your husbands company is global then maybe they can introduce you to other 'wives'. If you be open minded and don't be judgy about people you can get a good social calender going and then you'll probably meet one or two people that you really like. It might open a network to getting a job also. Also what about speaking to your husband's company about a job? My husband's HR rep has been doing my CV with me and trying to get me a job.
I think Ils are often irritating whatever the circumstances but if you can have a bitch/giggle about them with some friends you'll feel better. I feel a bit overwhelmed by where I live sometimes but its really not that bad! It has a lot of positives!

Complicatedandthensome Fri 05-Aug-11 15:14:07

Thank you everyone, you've all been such a help, just writing it all down and getting it all off my chest has been such a relief. I do need to get out and I am going to do all the things you've suggested. I'm sure that will take some of the stress off the other areas in my life. The accumulation of little things has, I think, made things feel worse than they actually are. But you lovely ladies have put things into perspective for me, thank you.

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