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Advice on xp and pregnancy - apologies for being long :S

(24 Posts)
emily81 Fri 05-Aug-11 10:09:39

Hi there,

This is my first post - so please be kind, I feel like its the first day of school!

I split up from my boyfriend of 3 months as to be honest, he was scaring me he was coming on so strong! We were apart for 3 weeks (during which time I had constant phone calls, texts, emails alternating from begging me to come back to calling me every name under the sun) and then I found out I was pregnant!

I am over the moon to find this out, as I am 30 and wondered if I could even have children. I told him straight away and for a week we spoke regularly (4/5 times a day at his instigation) but I had to reiterate that this did not change the fact we were not going to be together as a couple.

Last week I had a bad day and told him I needed some space so would call him tomorrow. He went completely ballistic saying that I couldn't turn him on and off like a switch, I had 17 missed calls in an hour and 14 texts calling me every name under the sun. This escalated to the point where I told him he was harassing me and I would call the police if it continued (he was going to turn up at my home and follow me so I couldn't avoid him apparently) and since then there was silence.... till yesterday!

He emailed asking me what involvement I would like from him during my pregnancy, and I replied that I wanted him to be involved with the baby, so I felt it was fair for him to attend the scans with me - but not my midwife appointments, and that whilst I didn't want him in the room when i was giving birth, I was happy for him to be at the hospital and come in straight away afterwards.

This is apparently the worse thing in the world I could have said, and I have now been told by him that Im keeping him away, that I only wanted him as a turkey baster and for his money and that he doesn't think the baby is even his as I am a slag (charming eh??!!)

So, please help oh wise ones..... what do I do next??!! I am trying to be fair, and I want to treat him with decency as I am sure this is hard for him.... but also, Im completely overwhelmed by his reactions and there is no reasoning with him! What is the "normal" way an xp acts during pregnancy?? Do they goto all these appointments??

My xp is in the RAF and has been since he was 16, so he is somewhat shielded from real life - for example he has never cooked a meal or been shopping for himself. As such, his sense of reality is sometimes clouded. He has offered me, what he feels is a very generous £100 a month out of his £35k a year salary and cant understand why I am panicking this isn't enough. Should I just cut all ties and go through CSA?? I want what is best for my baby, but I am just spending all my time crying over how messy this situation is.

Please help, thank you so much in advance.....


Reality Fri 05-Aug-11 10:15:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emily81 Fri 05-Aug-11 10:26:34

I must admit, I am terrified at the thought of him having time on his own with the baby once they arrive - but was going to cross that bridge when I came to it!

I have all the texts but deactivated my voicemail as the stress of listening to his ramblings was horrible (text seem easier somehow?!) I will contact the police just to have it noted, as am finding it really overwhelming now.

As for his name not being on birth certificate, does that mean I can still claim CSA? I had cancer so am currently on sick pay, and I will def need his income to provide for baby.

Thank you for you reply reality, I needed an unbiased voice to tell me this was, as I suspected, out of order. My hormones are such im not sure which why is up at minute! x

Reality Fri 05-Aug-11 10:34:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kayah Fri 05-Aug-11 10:41:07

However painfull that may be -keep all texts and correspondence you are receiving from him.
Note time of phone calls (missed oned too) and time it took with a brief note each.

Look after yourself and involve someonr in RL into it, as you are going to need actual help, so best if that is going to come from someone who understands it's context.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 05-Aug-11 10:48:42

Also contact Women' Aid, who have extensive experience with abusers. And that's what he is, well-spotted.

PeterSpanswick Fri 05-Aug-11 10:49:29

My father is RAF and I know they come down like a ton of bricks on behaviour like this so if it continues it might also be worth contacting his base or telling him you are considering it - might make him think before he treats you so poorly. You could do without the stress of being spoken to like rubbish at the moment, he sounds very full on and unstable.

festi Fri 05-Aug-11 10:50:38

go through csa. seek legal advice to arrange suppervised contact only keep all texts and voicemail etc and contact the police and get a non molestation order against him that will keep him away from you.

you have been very accomodating and he is showing unpredictable and harrising behaviour and you need to protect your self.

congratulations and get this sorted before it becomes any more stressfull, you need be enjoying this time.

fluffles Fri 05-Aug-11 10:54:35

as he has a stable, above board, and well documented job and income, i would go through CSA from the start to ensure that there is a 'neutral' arbtration over what he should give you.
it may be that due to his RAF life he respects their rules more than he would an informal agreement between you both.

in terms of appointments, it's tricky as they are for YOUR health as well as the babies and so to some extent they are private. don't invite him. but maybe send scan pictures.

do you have a good relationship with his parents? maybe ask them to help him calm down as in the long run it would be best for your child if he could have a good relationship with them, but not the way he's behaving now.

PhilipJFry Fri 05-Aug-11 10:55:36

Very good advice here, especially about going to professionals and people to deal with this sort of behaviour (charities, the police and so on) as a matter of routine. It's important to talk to people like them who will have experience in how these people are behaving and what they may do next, and what to do/not do.

emily81 Fri 05-Aug-11 11:02:35

Thank you all so much - its hard because I know he is being unreasonable, but because he cant see it I was started to doubt myself.

My mum and best friends know at present what he is doing, but as they are biased towards just me, they are all for slamming the door shut on him which I have been reluctant to do as, at the end of the day, my child deserves a relationship with their father if at all possible.

Think I am going to have a ring around of all the places you guys have listed above this afternoon, I dont have contact info for his parents, although I have asked for it. His mum as far as I can tell has been the voice of reason for him so far, and I think that talking to her would help - if he will pass on her details!

Also, I agree about the RAF element, he respects their rules and authority alot more than I anticipated, and had considered even asking one of his friends to have a word, as he would respect it more coming from them than me (scary really!)

Im trying so hard to remain calm and not get upset, because I hate to think of the effect this is having on the baby, but its horrible. Feeling rather alone right now, and like im fighting fires on all fronts!

Thank you all again for your help, as first post advice goes - you guys have been fab, and I really appreciate it x

festi Fri 05-Aug-11 11:19:17

good luck with the ringing around, it is better to get it done now, be strong and start as you mean to go on. what you say about your child deserving a relationship is very true, but children grow up and make thier own minds up on those who have been important and supportive, that is why supervised contact is a must. you have not denied your child thier father and vice versa but have been the protective and reasoned parent the child deserves.

colditz Fri 05-Aug-11 11:31:47

I would advise that you go through the RAF.

The reason I say this is that they Do Not Approve of their staff behaving like dickheads, it makes them all look bad, and they will make his life miserable until he toes the line. You can't do that, but they can.

As for maintenance - you should be looking at 15% of his net salary, so no, £100 a month is a pathetic amount. He takes home that per DAY. On his slaary, you should be receiving £75 per week (when the child is born) if he's not having regular overnights, which he won't be if he's in the RAF

festi Fri 05-Aug-11 11:44:40

whilst going through the RAF is a good idea I would advocate to do this along side the police and a solicitor to ensure the law is also implimented to protect you and your child.

slug Fri 05-Aug-11 11:54:30

Oh, since so one else has said it yet, congratulations.

colditz Fri 05-Aug-11 12:02:23

blush yes, congratulations!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 05-Aug-11 12:06:38

Ooh Gawd yes, congratulations! blush

festi Fri 05-Aug-11 13:16:44

I said it!! smile

PinkSchmoo Fri 05-Aug-11 13:25:49

Have nothing to add except my congratulations.

moominliz Fri 05-Aug-11 13:59:20


I don't have experience of being pregnant by an ott xp but do have experience of having an unhinged xp who bombards you with calls and texts. I initially let my guilt get in the way of my own safety and didn't close the door on him when I should have. To cute a v long story short I involved the police in the end who were extremely supportive and very understanding. They simply had a chat with him and all the harrassment stopped instantly they told me that should he contact me again then I shouldnt hesitate to let them know and they would be there straight away. I felt like I was being a bit dramatic by calling the police but I'm so glad I did and wish I'd done it a lot sooner than I did.

Like I said, I wasn't pregnant so cant help on that front but basically don't be afraid to contact the police or his superiors in the RAF.

You're not banning contact but he needs to prove that he is stable and mature enough to be around your child once its born, which anyone would agree is a fair enought thing to ask!

Lottieloulou Sat 06-Aug-11 08:51:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbrass Sat 06-Aug-11 09:08:09

Good luck. DO NOT feel guilty, you do not owe this man a relationship with you and what relationship he has with his DC depends on his behaviour. You were not wrong or unreasonable to dump him, and you have tried to be fair ever since.

DuelingFanjo Sat 06-Aug-11 09:14:40

In my experience the normal thing would be for the father to go to the scans but not the midwife appointments (They are boring) and I thin it is oerfectly normal for you to not want him tere near the birth.

His behaviour is very extreme and scary, though I can see why he feels a little scared by the fact that someone he was only with a few weeks is now going to have his baby - that's probably why he's claiming the baby isn't his.

His behaviour needs recording and reporting so I would follow the advice already given. Though could you try mediation of some kind if you ant him to play a role in your child's life?

FabbyChic Sat 06-Aug-11 09:24:13

You should really endeavour to bring up this baby financially alone. It is your child and you are choosing to have it without a partner in your life.

I managed to bring up two children for 18 years without financial support from elsewhere.

Work out your finances without factoring any maintenance from him and use that as a guideline on what you will have to live on.

Then whatever he gives you will be a bonus.

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