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Monitoring web use & emails

(23 Posts)
katkin73 Thu 04-Aug-11 13:27:01

Hi all.
4 weeks ago I discovered that DH of 11 years is having internet sex with a woman he has met via a 'friendship' website. I didn't stumble across this by accident, female intuition/gut instinct was telling me something was up so I went looking. I'm obviously devestated but have so far kept what I know to myself, trying to act normally on the outside while internally wanting to curl up and die. I truly believe that what I have found is just the tip of the iceberg and am considering using a keystroke logger on our laptop to see what else I can find. Has anyone used one of these before? I'm looking at something like 'Webwatcher' which will give me all passwords, emails, msn conversations, basically everything the scumbag does on the computer.
If you have any experience of this type of thing can you let me know.

Grevling Thu 04-Aug-11 13:28:56

It sounds to me like your relationship is as good as over. What is finding more stuff going to prove? Would what you find make a difference on if you were to take him back?

nocake Thu 04-Aug-11 13:31:00

I've used one in the past but you need to ask yourself what you're trying to find out and to what purpose. If you're planning to divorce him then you've already got enough evidence.

ImperialBlether Thu 04-Aug-11 14:52:43

You know what he's doing, that's the main thing. I really don't think you want to see, word for word, what he's saying. That would be very hard to get over.

Do you think he's talking to any of these women on the phone? If so, email me as I might be able to help. Do you think he's meeting them? Is he always where he says he'll be?

What about money? Do you have a shared account?

ImperialBlether Thu 04-Aug-11 14:53:21

When you say 'tip of the iceberg' do you mean you think he's having a full scale affair?

ImperialBlether Thu 04-Aug-11 14:56:32

You'd get access to his emails that way, but only when he uses them now. For example, if in 2009 he had an email address that he no longer uses, you wouldn't be any the wiser.

It's so tempting when you see the software. I'm not so concerned about the ethics of doing it as you wouldn't have to do it if he was loyal and faithful to you, but I am worried that you might see things that you don't like.

And you have enough to divorce him now, if that's what you want to do.

buzzsore Thu 04-Aug-11 17:44:18

What else do you need? Why do you think you need more to confront him with than what has already made you feel like shit?

Bogeyface Thu 04-Aug-11 20:05:57

As someone who read all the sordid messages exchanged in my H's cheating (not decided if he is going to an Ex or not yet) I would not recommend that you do it.

I found out because I found his secret phone as he left it in his trousers, knowing I was doing the washing hmm, and all the messages were on there. Knowing he was doing it was bad enough, but seeing it all laid out in black and white was like a knife through the heart.

If you would leave him anyway then there is no need to do this, as you already have enough evidence. If you are not sure and feel that he would continue to lie unless you spell out that you know everything, then you need to think whether you could make your marriage work without any honesty or trust. If you would stay, well then what would be served by seeing it all? He has betrayed you and needs to work very hard to re-gain your trust. Seeing all the nasty details will just make you feel worse, it wont make the healing any easier.

My H's betrayal was with an ex. It started out purely friendly "How are you?" type stuff and then got into the sex texts. If he had done what yours did and actively searched out someone to do this with then I think that it would be a step too far for me. I am still not sure I can stay with my H after this, so we are going to counselling to help make a decision and his wasnt premeditated (not that that makes it any better really sad )

stargazy Thu 04-Aug-11 20:57:57

Agree with BOGEY in that if my DH had actively gone looking it would have been the end for me.Bogey like yours my DH's EA started out as friendly banter(they met most days as paths crossed at work but then they started to make sure they would 'bump into' each round lunch times and then progressed to lots of texting which became sexual just before I found out)We went to Relate so good luck with that.One year plus and we are together and glad we are but not been easy.Never got to physical affair-not sure I could have got past that tbh.
KATKIN how on earth have you manged to keep a lid on it for 4 weeks you poor thing? You must be in turmoil.I would have wanted to confront straight away.What you have discovered so far is already too much too bear on your own.Do you have good friend/s for support?x

Bogeyface Thu 04-Aug-11 21:38:35

stargazy the keeping a lid on it surprised me too. When I found the phone he had been in bed asleep for a couple of hours and it was about 2 am (I have insomnia!) and within 10 minutes of finding it I was at the end of the bed ordering his sorry ass downstairs NOW There is no way I could have kept a lid on it until morning, never mind 4 weeks!

maleview70 Thu 04-Aug-11 21:43:14

To the last 2 do you know that they weren't looking for it. Yes it might have started as friendly banter etc but who made the first move to turn it sexual?

A man is hardly going to text someone with " I'd love to fck u" without a bit of banter first!!

Bogeyface Thu 04-Aug-11 21:55:10

Believe me they would grin, trust me on this!

But I have seen the texts and there was a progression. I have the phone here now, and he made the first move towards it being sexual, but the first text between them was from her sending a group text joke. It went from there. I do believe he was taking advantage of the situation and wouldnt have sought it out, but that doesnt make it better at all. Infact in someways it makes it worse because I am left thinking that he could do it anytime that an opportunity presents itself. Our counselling will be focussing on why he took this opporunity to cheat on me instead of just keeping it friendly. If we (he) cant work out why he did this (he says he doesnt know, he just did it) then we dont have a future as whatever it is will still be there and he could easily do it again.

maleview70 Thu 04-Aug-11 22:06:19

Fair enough. My ex wife was into all this shit hence the ex. She did take it further though! I couldn't stay with someone who did this but women do seem to have a more forgiving nature in these situations having read this board for a while.

Just out of interest why is that? I know a woman who was cheated on twice and yet she kept taking him back saying that her wedding and relationship was what she had wanted all her life and she didnt want to shatter that..despite the promises he left her a few years later for yet another woman.

stargazy Thu 04-Aug-11 22:06:38

.Likewise progression as they texted more and more but she(OW) sent first sexually suggestive text to which he replied,at that point I feel he should have said whoa enough but by then 'friends' for months and what would have seemed so wrong months before had become easy to do.Deeply regrets it and did ll he coukld to understand why he went long when opportunity presented.His idea to go to Relate.That's why I gave him a chance.

looner Thu 04-Aug-11 22:46:41

katkin, i think you need to ask yourself why you would want to see the whole iceberg? Do you need to be convinced? Surely the whole iceberg will just hurt you more - bogeyface is right, seeing is MUCH worse than just knowing.

Bogeyface Thu 04-Aug-11 23:46:47

When I first posted about this under a different username (wtfdoido, fyi) someone replied saying that it is easy to get to the next stage as you are taking baby steps, so its all about progression. You are friends, so you get to be closer friends, then you start sharing confidences, then it becomes a bit cheeky, then more cheeky, then outright sexual, and from there it is really easy to take the next step to sleeping together. H and his OW skipped a bit as they had already gone out pre-me, but still going from sexting to meeting up was almost inevitable because it was just another baby step on the road. It isnt such a terrible thing to do because you arent going from "hi how are you" to being in bed together, you are almost there so it isnt such a big jump. It helped me see how it could happen, and also scared me about how easy it was.

I think that the reason we (as a sex) are more likely to say "ok, we'll try again" is because most of us in this situation have children, financial committments etc. and we are aware of how hard things will be on us and the kids if we dont. I for example, will be on my own with 5 children (and one adult child still living at home) one of whom is only 9 weeks old. I will have to take care of them, feed them, clothe them....hell, COPE with them, all on my own! That is the biggest part of why I am still not sure whether to kick his sorry ass to the kerb. He may be a cheating lying shitbag as a husband but he is a hands on father and has never resented doing his share and is in many ways a better parent than me. The thought of doing all that without him means that I think about this differently than if I was childless. Women cant walk away from their children and home without being judged by everyone who hears about it, but a man can. If she cheats...fuck her, he can leave and start again and he knows that no one will think the worse of him for it, and the kids will be ok because she is looking after them. If he cheats, well he might get a bit of shit, but still he wont be judged for leaving his wife and children, whereas she would be crucified. He gets the best of all worlds, no matter who cheats.

maleview70 Fri 05-Aug-11 07:43:26

When you put it like that I can see your point. Assume if you had no children then it would be completely different and he would be out on his ear.

Bogeyface Fri 05-Aug-11 09:26:24

I very much doubt that I would be considering anything other than dumping him if it wasnt for the children, Malepoint70, and his ear would be the least of his problems grin

katkin73 Fri 05-Aug-11 10:04:56

Hi Thanks all,
I've already seen the worst trust me, I know exactly what they want to do to each other etc sad I suppose truth is I can't believe it is over, we've been together 21 years married 11, 2 kids. I would be willing to talk about this (obviously give him hell) but willing to work it through if I knew that this was all it was (just the internet stuff), on the other hand if he is actually meeting people then no way, he is out... I have never been worried about his phone, in fact it was the 1 thing that threw me for so long because people always say that they become over protective of phone, have passwords on it etc and he never was, it was always left lying around unlocked, in fact I'd got to the stage of thinking maybe he had another somewhere, then I discovered you can chat text etc on an ipod touch and everything clicked into place, because his ipod is locked and he spent a huge amount of time on it, he slipped up 1 day with the passcode and first chance I got I had a look and the bottom fell out of my world, it was 2 days before we went on holiday so I had to keep it together for the kids, we are now 4 weeks on from that point and I have a pressing need to find out more without him knowing I am on to him, if he gets suspicious he will just be more careful and I will lose chance to find anything else. His mobile is a work one so the bill doesn't come here so no way of checking that. He travels alot with work and stays away so has ample opportunity to stray without being discovered. I feel like I never knew this person sad I can't imagine being without him but at the same time I don't want to be a complete mug. A webwatcher keylogger would at least take away any uncertainty and give me some control (and evidence should it come to divorce)

stargazy Fri 05-Aug-11 15:15:38

Poor you KATKIN the holiday must have been hell.Initially I found weekends hard enough,having to be in his company more.At least during the week we could come and go to work and I made myself organise more things with friends because frankly at times I found it hard just to breath the same air as him.And this is a man I'd loved ,trusted and respected for amost 30 years.That has slowly returned but only because he's made monumental efforts to prove how sorry he is.As you say its this sick feeling that youv'e never really known this person.It must be almost intolerable for you sitting on all these feelings and tbh what more evidence do you need? He's massively betraying you already.
And yes BOGEY I hate to generalize the sexes but we women do tend to hold it all together for the family.Altho my DC's are young adults they would have been devestated to see us split,adore their dad (like yours he's always been a brillliant hands on dad) and had allsorts going on themselves from exams to struggling to establish their careers etc.Plus two sets of increasingly frail parents who have already been upset to see others children divorce.You have such a range of family to cope with no wonder your heads in a spin.And from your last post it sounds as if your DH's affair got fully physical.I didn't have to cope with that at least.x

nocake Fri 05-Aug-11 15:30:29

I'm really sorry you're in this position, katkin, but by using a keylogger you're opening yourself to all sorts of rows and accusations for no good reason. Imagine what happens if he finds out you've installed one on the computer. He'll turn the whole thing round on you, blaming you for not trusting him and causing the problems with your marriage. You know deep down that there is no uncertainty and trying to gather more evidence is just putting off making a decision. It's completely understandable that you want to delay the decision about what the next step should be. It was one of the hardest things I ever did but ultimately one of the best.

garlicbutter Fri 05-Aug-11 15:34:10

You're not a mug, katkin, and you'renot uncertain. What you've got now is a bad case of cognitive dissonance - the truth conflicts with your belief that you've got a happy, trusting marriage. It feels vile, confusing and frightening. The best advice for you, today, is to accept your feeling and to make a small start on facing the truth as it really is.

Finding still more evidence won't "make it feel true", you've already got enough. Telling somebody in real life helps - make it someone who cares enough about you to be enraged on your behalf, not some dipstick who'll try to excuse him or blame you!! A slightly gentler start is to write it all down. Over and over, if you need to,until you feel capable of talking to someone.

I really feel foryou sad Remember to be VERY kind to yourself, take things gently and have plenty of chocolate or whatever comforts you.

Bogeyface Fri 05-Aug-11 21:10:00

Stargazy, it didnt get physical and I am sure of this, not from what he said but because I saw the texts bemoaning the fact that they couldnt get together but I know that it would have done at some point. Me finding out, or rather, him making sure I found out stopped it happening. The fucking coward, he couldnt even tell me himself, just let me go through the trauma of finding the texts.

The fact that he didnt have sex with her isnt much of a comfort really, as the intention was there just a lack of opportunity. The fact that he didnt actually stick his dick inside her is kind of irelevant as he wanted to and was trying to.

The worst thing about this is that I was always slightly cynical, having been cheated on before and seen it so many relationships of friends and family (and on MN of course). I used to put that down to my own experiences and let it go. I did genuinely and completely trust him. But now I wouldnt trust a man who told me that the sky was blue. I honestly believe that if a man says he has never cheated then he is lying, or just hasnt done it yet. I am saddened to find myself in the "all men are bastards" camp, somewhere I never thought I would be. sad

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