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My son; self-destructing & I don't know what to do...

(35 Posts)
justwanttobeleftalone Thu 04-Aug-11 00:16:05

I have a (nearly) 20yr old DS. I split with his dad when pregnant, as his dad used to beat me up when drunk. My son did well, was very bright - passed his 11+, went to a good grammar school, did well academically etc.

When he was 13 his dad (who'd been diagnosed as a schizophrenic), attacked & raped me, hurt DS & threatened to kill us all. He went to prison for this, and was not allowed any contact with DS till he was 18.

DS went downhill. I tried to get counselling, went to CAMHS etc - which was s*it useless. I struggled with the attack as well. DS became increasingly violent & began to smash his room, my furniture, and punch me. I had a breakdown & was diagnosed with bipolar.

DS had a female friend, who he pulled a knife on - then immediately took a massive overdose. He continued to be violent towards me.

I met & married DH within a short time, and DS didn't move with us, instead moving in with my parents. He seemed fine, until he met a girl - and when their relationship ended he went beserk. He smashed my parents furniture, he got drunk every night, sounded nuts all the time. He was put on antipsychotics, but the drinking was still excessive.

He recently got a new GF & seemed better - but now they must have split up - he drunk 8 litres of cider tonight, smashed his room (with all my parents furniture in) and his XBox, his TV, his mobile phone, slashed his mattress, broke all the shelves & finally slashed his arms.

My parents called the police. They're taking him to hospital. I don't know what to do. My parents are refusing to have him back, and the police have said my address isn't suitable (nor would DH have DS here).

I have a 13 month old DD asleep upstairs, and I'm 25 weeks pregnant. I don't drive. The police are staying with DS until he's discharged (they handcuffed him), and I suggested he go to the psychiatric hospital (have tried to get his assessed there for ages). DH is reluctant to get DD up to take her out, and I'm not sure the police want me there anyway.

I just don't know... he's still my baby, and I feel that he thinks I've abandoned him - which I haven't, but obviously having him that unstable & around a baby is not good... I feel so wretched - I don't know what to do?

maddy68 Thu 04-Aug-11 00:30:28

Leave your baby in bed and go to the police station, no matter what he has done he needs to know his mum is there. It does sound to me like he needs mental health help.
Get them to get him medical help

maddy68 Thu 04-Aug-11 00:31:32

meant to say - get a taxi

jasper Thu 04-Aug-11 00:33:05

I am
Sorry I am
No expert but your post really touched me.
Can you answer this honestly - do you believe that your son is mentally ill? Or is he a criminal? His behaviour has taken him out of your hands as his mother and into those of the authorities.

CheesyQuaverBaby Thu 04-Aug-11 00:40:15

as hard as it seems u need to think of ur child & unborn baby

wot if u went to collect him & he turned on u whilst pregnant? He needs help that only professionals can give. Phone the police & be adamant at getting hin sectioned.

My brother suffers from bi polar & no matter how many times we tried to help he always went back to being unstable. u can only do so much

please dont beat urself up about this.

esperance Thu 04-Aug-11 00:40:22

This is horrible and hugely distressing.
So, the police are taking him to the hospital? Is that correct? It could take some time for him to be processed at the hospital.
Nothing too terrible is going to happen to him on an acute psychiatric ward, except that it could be a bit of an eye-opener for him. He will be clean for a bit. He will be properly assessed and perhaps diagnosed, but not tonight.
Tonight, try to look at it this way: there are way worse place and situations he could have ended up in.
It is not safe for you, the baby and your son to be in your home if he is in the sort of acute psychiatric state you have described.

When you know where he is exactly you should be able to speak with him on the phone. You can also leave a message for him e.g. just saying that you have rung and that you will talk to him tomorrow.
Try to get some sleep tonight. You will be much more able to deal with what tomorrow brings if you get some sleep.

jasper Thu 04-Aug-11 00:40:42

It has to be your decision but I would NOT advise moving heaven and earth to be with him. You are pregnant. He has a history of attacking you. I would stay well clear

Hard kind of agree with Maddy. He needs to know you love him.

I would go see him, although he is probably quite out of it right now, having drunk that amout. What an awful situation for you both. Can you call the police or hospital and ask to speak to him, if you think that would help?

Hospital seems like the best place for him at the moment, and hopefully he will get a psychiatric evaluation there. Will the police be there if you go to see him so you can feel safe?

I hope your DH is being supportive and giving you lots of hugs.

justwanttobeleftalone Thu 04-Aug-11 00:46:50

He's not at the police station, he's at the hospital... he was taken up there in handcuffs - apparently he can't talk properly (according to the police woman). I have told them that he needs to be sectioned tonight - and they are leaving it up to the doctors, but until he has sobered up they can't do anything.

He actually managed to escape from the handcuffs & wrestled the police woman, and she needed the policeman to step in & stop him from hitting her.

In some ways I think I should go there, but he's in police custody at the hospital - if I go then they could relinquish him into my care - and I have nowhere for him to stay, so I'd rather avoid just leaving him on the streets.

Also when he took the overdose & one of the times he was hospitalised for alcohol poisoning I've rushed up to the hospital - only to be told that he refuses to see me (when he took the overdose & refused to let me in I was heartbroken). Other times he's got drunk & ended up there I've refused to go as it's not accidental - he chose to get himself in that state...

I know I sound evil, but I really don't think that rushing up there (knowing he's unlikely to see me, and not knowing if the police would let me in anyway), then be knackered tomorrow - pregnancy hasn't been kind, and I'm the sole carer for my DD... aargh!

justwanttobeleftalone Thu 04-Aug-11 00:51:15

He can't talk right now - he's completely incoherent. He knows I love him, but ever since his dad attacked me he's lost all respect.

At cheesyQuaverBaby - he hasn't been diagnosed with bipolar - or anything. I am the one with bipolar.

He's so drunk that he can't talk, I'm supposed to be at the doctors first thing for my own health problems in pregnancy, not sure if I'll be up in time, I wanted to go to bed at 9pm.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 04-Aug-11 00:51:43

I would go and see him and speak to the authorities about the possibility of sectioning. Your son has been through a lot and could do with having his mother by his side. I understand that you may be worried about his violence, but at the minute, he restrained and under supervision by the police, so that should not be an issue.

branstonsandcheese Thu 04-Aug-11 00:51:43

If he's that altered, chances are he won't know or care you are there, or it could set him off to see you. Certainly he's not rational enough to take anything lastingly positive from your being there, in my opinion.

I feel for you SO much. You're not evil.

Your son is clearly in awful turmoil, and that's completely understandable given what he's been through. Having one 'half' of himself (his father), hurt the other (you), so horribly is something that will take a long time to untangle. Nothing is going to happen overnight. He needs consistent and dedicated care. If he's in hospital, IMO that's the best place for him to be.

TheOriginalBanshee Thu 04-Aug-11 00:52:45

He is safe. Your parents are safe. You need to look after your DD and yourself right now. There is nothing you can change by rushing to the hospital now. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Of course he will always be your baby, but he needs help and hopefully he has reached a crisis point that will start the process of getting him the professional mental care that he obviously needs.

justwanttobeleftalone Thu 04-Aug-11 00:53:22

I've tried several times to see a psychiatrist with him, and I've asked my CPN to make an arrangement to see him with his CPN, along with me & mine... but he's always refused.

justwanttobeleftalone Thu 04-Aug-11 00:59:37

Thanks. I've asked the police to have him sectioned, but they say that can't happen while he's drunk.

Apparently if he's got somewhere to go to then he'll be discharged there tonight, and be seen tomorrow - which is another reason I don't want to go, I can't go & let the police discharge him into my care... I just can't. Whereas if they're with him they have the responsibility of finding him a safe place tonight IYSWIM?

A month ago he disappeared one night drunk - the police were here and heard him say that he was worried about the FBI being after him, and they had units looking for him, and they had the helicopter out.... they said he'd be taken to the psychiatric unit if they found him - however they didn't and he came home in the morning. As he'd come home they couldn't touch him, and he just went to the day hospital - where they REFUSED to take it seriously how ill he was! So in a way if he can't come home they will have to help hiim

squeakytoy Thu 04-Aug-11 01:00:34

What an awful situation for you.

You need to keep yourself safe, and I really think that means stay at home.

justwanttobeleftalone Thu 04-Aug-11 01:05:01

Thanks. I can't talk to DH at the moment. Earlier this evening (before DS kicked off) he told me how he'd managed to bring up a child without his DS getting 'mental health problems' - this was when I was worried about DD drinking her bath water.. he actually said that he'd succeeded as a parent, whereas I'd failed (his DS is the same age as mine).

He's not concerned about DS, he keeps on about how his son lives miles away (with his mum), and is threatening to join the army... whereas my son is just a "git".

CheesyQuaverBaby Thu 04-Aug-11 01:05:56

U need to be strong & think of your unborn child.

my brother has been diagnosed but doesnt take his medication. he drinks & smokes drugs. Wont help himself. he takes everything you say to heart & any innocent comment can send him over the edge.

He is suicidal but the final straw for me came whne he entered my home uninvited wasted with his gang of friends to see my 2 day old son. he was told never to return in that state again which sent him into a meltdown but i refuse to feel guilty as my Innocent son comes 1st.

He has been through a really horrendous time but Tough Love is needed here.

sorry to sound so harsh

mrsmcv Thu 04-Aug-11 01:08:06

Let him get the help he needs. You wouldn't push the doctors aside if he was in A & E. He can be helped. You are pregnant and need to look after yourself. Let the professionals do their stuff, they know what they are doing xx to you. Keep safe

confidence Thu 04-Aug-11 01:14:51

Oh My God

What an unspeakable failure of the mental health services.

As hard as it must be, I think you're probably doing the right thing in not going. If there is literally noone that will take him, then they'll have to make a decision about where to put him that is safe not just for him but for others. It's beyond disgraceful that this is the only way you can get him the care he needs, but that appears to be the way it is.

jasper Thu 04-Aug-11 01:27:54

You are not being heartless by not going to try to see him. There is nothing to Be gained by doing so , but potentially much to lose. Quite apart from anything else your physical safely and that of the baby you are carrying are at risk. Please stay safe at home.

Kallista Thu 04-Aug-11 02:15:21

When your son sobers up, he may not be sectioned if he no longer exhibits MH symptoms & may be discharged from hospital with minimal help. As he is an adult male the hospital & police can discharge him 'onto a park bench'. To be blunt I don't think family members can influence a DR into sectioning a patient. There are limited beds in psych units & I believe that a person has to be incredibly unwell to be sectioned. I have never been sectioned despite having been very ill (I have BPD & depressive disorder, & am seen by a psychiatrist & psychologist regularly). So I'm very unsure how ill you actually have to be!! I'm lucky to still be here - thanks to my lovely family & friends. BUT - if I hadn't told the CMHT that I had family support then maybe I would have been given the CPN assistance I really need.
The violence must be very difficult - I know from experience that when I got agitated it was easiest to lash out at a close family member. It could be that your son has taken you & your parents for granted a bit & feels that whatever he does you will all put up with it (who bought all those expensive items that he smashed up - also where does he get money to buy alcohol?).
Your own safety is the priority - you are pregnant & have a young toddler. Your son has a drink problem at least & has actually pulled a knife on a GF. Try to get a roof over his head, even just a room in a B&B or a hostel but NOT yours or your parents home. Whoever funds his bed or room should not give the rent to him but straight to the landlord. Buy him some food if you can but he shouldn't have cards or cash as he may get drunk.
Hopefully the doctors at A&E or the CMHT will section him though. If he hasn't seen a psychiatrist then his GP should refer him. Good luck.

solidgoldbrass Thu 04-Aug-11 02:33:36

I'm sorry for both you and your son, but right now I don't think you should take him into your home. For one thing your current partner sounds unhelpful in the extreme: has he always been a prick?
You can't help your son if he has severe MH issues, it is not possible to cure this type of thing just by love and understanding. You need to take care of yourself and your small DC, which I think is going to include sorting out your current partner: if he bullies you and belittles you, that's a pressure you don't need.

TheFrogs Thu 04-Aug-11 02:46:24

I really do feel for you, and what you are having to deal with but I have to say your DH attitude to mental your last post. How does that affect you? and does your ds know how his stepfather feels about him? (not judgypants, just a question). Seems very odd and not helpful at all.

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