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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I've just had typical conversation with my mother and I really do think she has a communication difficulty

21 replies

colditz · 03/08/2011 19:51

Backgroud - she lives with my brother and sister, both adults, and my sister works shifts.

I rang her - "Hi Mum, how are you?"

Mum - "Well, how do you think I am, I've been rushing around like a blue arsed fly, haven't I?"

Me - "Is Dsis around?"

Mum - "She's just walked in from work colditz, she's filthy, she's gone to get changed."

Me "Ok, will you just yell up the stairs and ask her if she fancies coming round for a cup of tea?"

Mum "Colditz, she's on the toilet, for god's sake!"

Me - "Ok, ok, I can't actually see into your house, remember?"

Is it me? Is it my mother? Is it mothers in general? What on Earth went wrong with that conversation?

OP posts:

Report

colditz · 03/08/2011 20:08

Bump

OP posts:

allhailtheaubergine · 03/08/2011 20:11

How annoying.

She sounds as though she is very 'in the moment' but not really concentrating on your phone call.

colditz · 03/08/2011 20:16

It honestly doesn't seem to occur to her that I'm not there

OP posts:

allhailtheaubergine · 03/08/2011 20:45

Is she generally a bit vague and dreamy?

Anniegetyourgun · 03/08/2011 22:50

Colditz, aren't you psychic? You really ought to be, you know. It's letting the side down otherwise. If only you tried harder you could, like, tune in to their house and see what's going on. Anybody'd think you didn't care about your family.

FabbyChic · 03/08/2011 22:51

YOu are looking too much into this, there is nothing wrong with the conversation at all.

Curiousmama · 03/08/2011 22:54

She sounds very stressed, is she?

StealthPolarBear · 03/08/2011 22:56

was she answering in a stressed or snappy way?

DrPolidori · 04/08/2011 00:33

Er, seems a bit weirdy to me. not at all normal. All she had to say was, actually dsis is in the loo, I;ll get her to ring you back.
Not to have a hissy fit about it. that is not normal.

the rest of you are bonkers.

Apart from the ones who agree with me, obviously.

LittleHousebytheRiver · 04/08/2011 00:43

Colditz I share your pain. I use my mum as a contact when I am off doing my hobby as I need someone who can check me in after an adventure in case I go missing!
I ring her to report I have arrived safely, usually after a night with no sleep and a struggle to get a phone signal. Thus:

LHR: Hi mum it's me, just ringing to say I'm safe and have arrived in Wherever

Mum: Did you ring just now? only the phone rang and I could hear children. I thought it was your sister. Could she have phoned us do you think?

LHR: Mum I don't know. I haven't seen her since Wednesday. I just...

Mum: Well I was very puzzled, shall I ring her do you think and ask her if she rang us? Only your dad thought he heard her voice in the background as if she had rung by mistake... etc etc etc

It makes me feel invisible, ignored and frustrated as I have just done something amazingly exhausting and extreme and she witters on about something I can't help her with and doesnt listen to me. Gah! I think she is in her little world and can't think outside it.

mummytime · 04/08/2011 07:16

Little house - please get someone else to be your contact! Your Mum doesn't sound on the ball enough to contact te right people if you don't get back. Is there someone from a local club or with a similar hobby you could use instead?

FellatioNelson · 04/08/2011 07:30

I'll swap you if you like. My mother is NEVER in a bad mood or stroppy with me, but she IS a walking breathing human version of the Radio Times. She phones me weekly with recommendations of Things I Must Watch, even though she knows I have barely seen any TV in 10 years. Then, she'll phone to check whether or not I bothered to watch it. When I say 'no', she says 'Ah, I thought you might not get round to it, so I recorded it to disk for you. I'll bring it over.'

She does the same with my kids as well. Why she thinks kids of 18, 16 and 11 would need a woman in her 60's to advise them on their choice of TV beats me.

colditz · 04/08/2011 09:23

Her tone is mostly snappy but there is always an undercurrent of "As you well know!"

I don't think she is being deliberately obtuse, this is why I wondered if she has a communication problem.

She used to take me shopping for groceries - except she wouldn't tell me when she was going. I would ring her up and say "Can you take me to Tesco today?" and she would snap "I have just walked in from Tesco, why didn't you ring me earlier?"

And it's only recently occured to me that it doesn't seem to occur to her that I don't know what she is doing at any given moment. Because I don't live there and she never ever ever rings me.

It was my sister's B'day in March - she rang me on the day and said "Well, are you coming for this meal, or not? Nobody seems to know what you're doing, Colditz"

It was the first I'd heard about it

OP posts:

Reality · 04/08/2011 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyGrace · 04/08/2011 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyGrace · 04/08/2011 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Curiousmama · 04/08/2011 10:01

at paint

My mother just thinks I should like what she likes, do what she does, and gets envious at all my friends but it's not too bad. Like her friend rang her to say she's booked for a holiday in old Benidorm. Mum and her dp go to the other bit as they like the clubs (she's 81!) Even see sticky Anyway, I said 'Yes I'd probably go to old Benidorm if I ever went there but wouldn't bother with clubs much' She got all defensive, saying 'Well you go to club now and again' I said yes, now and again not every week - unlike her 2 or 3 times - She then got all huffy saying 'well I like culture you know. I said I know mum we're all different. This always goes on so I end up tetchily ending the conversation. To be fair she does like cultural things but her dp is so old fashioned and likes the club (as in workies) and ermmmm that's it. Oh and Sun newspaper, bingo and soaps. I thought he'd go into mourning when NOTW went And btw he's in his early 50s! Was in his 30s when he met mum. My dp is older than him. I hear Jeremy Kyle calling

Curiousmama · 04/08/2011 10:01

meant Sticky Vicky.

mummytime · 04/08/2011 15:52

Colditz do you think your Mum has no idea you do not know what she knows? Can she empathise? Does she have problems interpreting gestures/sarcasm? Has she always been like this?

colditz · 04/08/2011 22:29

yes, she's always been like this, and, y'know, Ds1 has ASD .... and I think my brother does too .....

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mummytime · 05/08/2011 07:38

Colditz.....good you see where I am coming from....just wondered. It was so much less diagnosed (especially among girls). good luck!

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