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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What would you think?

24 replies

FrenchRuby · 03/08/2011 18:37

Hi this is my first thread. Im just a bit worried about DH
I have a friend who I met a few years ago. DH doesn't normally get on with my friends but he seemed to get on with this girl really well. I was so happy that he finally liked one of my friends.
When I got pregnant he started to go out to a club with her (and a few others, but not his friends, they were hers), which I have no problem with, I was tired and fat and didn't want him to be stuck in with me being bored while I slept lol. But then it was every weekend. It cut down after dd was born, just going out once maybe twice a month. Again not really bothering me. Then I start to notice he was commenting on A LOT of her facebook statuses and photos, nothing bad but he never does that on mine. Then last week we both went out and she was there and this is where I got a bit uncomforatable with it all. When he hugged her hello he hugged her for ages and kind of nuzzled into her hair/neck. It made me feel really weird about it, I'd never hug one of my male friends like that and we were talking and I said 'Im going to find sister in law up by the other bar' (we came out with SIL and BIL, I felt rude that we'd left them for a while) and he said 'I'll find you later, Im going to hang out here for a bit' and then came to find me half an hour later. If I had said that I was staying to hang out with a male friend rather than talk to him he would go nuts.
I don't know what to make of it??

OP posts:

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tallulahxhunny · 03/08/2011 18:58

:( I would be raging if it was me but i would also blame myself for allowing it to happen. ..

BecauseImWorthIt · 03/08/2011 19:03

I would think that he's in love with her and/or having an affair with her.

What do you think?

FrenchRuby · 03/08/2011 19:04

I don't think there's anything going on between them, but I definitely think he fancies her :(
I feel like crap, I put on loads of weight after I had dd, of course he's going to start fancying other people. He says he still fancies me but I don't think he does. She's his perfect girl too, she's into all the same stuff as him and she's his type, blonde, surfer girl and funny too. He's always saying he liked it better when I had blonde hair and wored the clothes I used to. :(

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FrenchRuby · 03/08/2011 19:05

*wore

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BecauseImWorthIt · 03/08/2011 19:10

I think you need to do some serious work on your own self esteem.

Ignore her and focus on you and your relationship with your DH. Have you told him how you feel about all of this? Have you talked about feeling uncomfortable about the time he is spending with her?

noir · 03/08/2011 19:10

I think he might have a little crush on her, theres certainly no evidence at this stage to say they're having an affair! Crushes will happen even if your relationship is strong, its human nature. They will only develop into more if he has a total lack of respect for you or has fallen out of love.

FrenchRuby · 03/08/2011 19:15

I've said to him 'You've spent a lot of time with girl' and he gets really defensive 'You don't trust me! Do you think I fancy her?' but he says it in a way that makes me feel stupid for asking.

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FrenchRuby · 03/08/2011 19:53

He also gets quite annoyed if I mention that Im going out with her. I said the other day I was having a night out with her and he went all sulky. I don't do that when he wants to go out.

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HedleyLamarr · 03/08/2011 19:58

Have you had the baby yet? Are you still having sex? It does sound like he has a crush, but as to whether he has acted upon it... Anyway, bad situation for you, hope it gets better.

FrenchRuby · 03/08/2011 20:02

baby is now 3 months old and we have another DC who is 4. We're not having sex. Im not ready to, I had a traumatic labour and birth.

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TheOriginalFAB · 03/08/2011 20:02

He definitely seems to have inappropriate feelings for her when he is married.

FrenchRuby · 03/08/2011 20:04

I don't know what to do :( if I say anything about it he'll just deny it and say Im being silly.

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HedleyLamarr · 03/08/2011 20:16

He will, you're right, unless he feels guilty. But the chances are he's innocent anyway. Hope it works out for you.

lazarusb · 03/08/2011 21:23

Sit him down and tell him how you feel, not only about this but about yourself.
His reaction will give you some clues. Don't accuse him but tell him you aren't comfortable.

FrenchRuby · 03/08/2011 21:24

I don't want him to think Im a jealous possesive person, Im really not :(

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ThePosieParker · 03/08/2011 21:28

I do wonder why he's anywhere when you feel tired, fat and pg tbh. Why do you think he needs to go out because you're carrying his baby, or a little heavier because you've carried his baby?

Marriage and parenthood isn't for a woman to suffer alone, you're in it together.

ThePosieParker · 03/08/2011 21:29

Fuck him thinking you're jealous and possessive, so what if you are (which you're not). You're vulnerable and in need of support.

G1nger · 03/08/2011 21:29

He's being an arse. You can tell him that from me ;)

I'm not saying he's having an affair, as we can't know that. But it does sound like he needs to re-adjust his priorities and focus on you.

You have every right to feel upset. You also shouldn't have tolerated his going out clubbing with her for so long.

G1nger · 03/08/2011 21:32

"I don't want him to think Im a jealous possesive person, Im really not"

Nothing wrong with a bit of jealously/possessiveness. Goodness knows that my pregnancy hormones have brought mine out in me. And likewise, in my partner concerning me. You should jealous/possessive - you should protect what's yours.

Don't let him fob you off - whether or not he's up to something, or would like to be up to something, his behaviour is out of order. He should be there for you.

FrenchRuby · 03/08/2011 22:00

Thanks everyone I will talk to him. I'll let you know how it goes.

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FrenchRuby · 06/08/2011 13:35

So I talked to him, got the 'there's nothing you're being silly'
And we went out with this girl and her boyfriend the other night. He was ok and spent time with me but the whole time he was like 'Her boyfriend's a knob, I can't believe she's with him' and kind of blanking the guy (or just giving one word answers etc) everytime he tried to talk to him, the guy hadn't done anything wrong, and as far as I can tell (only met this guy a few times) he's a nice guy. And then He did the weird hug thing again :( I don't know what to think :(

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BecauseImWorthIt · 06/08/2011 13:49

I'm sorry, FrenchRuby, but it doesn't sound like he's telling you the truth. He's either already having an affair with her, or is in love with her/attracted to her/contemplating having an affair with her.

I wouldn't socialise with them in future if I were you - and if he asks why, just tell him. And tell him how his behaviour makes you feel.

I would also try and have a conversation with your friend to see if you can see if anything is really going on - it could be nothing as far as she is concerned - but you really need to find out what's going on.

I'm so sorry.

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FrenchRuby · 06/08/2011 13:58

I honestly don't think they are having an affair or will have an affair She seems clueless to it all, she's a good friend.
I think you're right though. I feel sick :(

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G1nger · 06/08/2011 17:52

He's insulting your intelligence, really. If I were you, I'd tell him it's perfectly clear that he fancies her, that he makes you uncomfortable, and that he needs to show that he respects you by stopping all of it. If he honestly doesn't fancy her, then I'm sure he wouldnt mind stopping his nuzzling behaviour as an absolute minimum. It really doesn't matter what he has to say in response to your questions - he needs to agree to change his behaviour.

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