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Belated thanks to the stalwarts of the Relationships board

(21 Posts)
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 02-Aug-11 23:28:56

I've just dug up my first thread in Relationships from over a year ago when I had a different username, at a time when I was on MN merrily TTCing, but just had this one tiny niggle about my DH. I was posting in Relationships because it would all be dandy if only I could make him see that his behaviour was hurting me.

You're all on it, the stalwarts of the Relationships board, giving me thoughtful and intelligent input. Really lucid stuff was being said to me. And not a single cry of "leave the bastard!" or "you're being abused!".

Well, I have left him, and lord knows I was being abused (although I sure didn't know it, at the time). So I wanted to say thanks, and sorry too: I ignored your advice on my thread, or simply didn't understand it, because I wanted to hold on to my denial a bit longer at the time. I was one of those posters who disappears after seeming to completely miss the point of the posts on her thread.

But your efforts weren't lost: they did put a chink in the armour of my denial. And I stuck around the Relationships board, and it's by reading your advice on other people's threads that I was able to eventually recognise my own situation for what it was, order Lundy, and finally -- at my own pace -- get the hell out.

So: thank you.

jasper Tue 02-Aug-11 23:37:46

well done and good luck.
Was there a final lightbulb moment?

mirai Tue 02-Aug-11 23:45:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicbutter Tue 02-Aug-11 23:47:36

You're amazing, Puppy smile

HerHissyness Tue 02-Aug-11 23:57:59

YOU did it Puppy! YOU! remember that! No need to apologise, we all have to do this stuff in our own time.

You ARE amazing, never forget it! You will get over the back wash of all this and you WILL get to a better place.

These may be uncharted waters for you at the moment, but they sail off into the happy sunrise of a new life, one filled with laughter and love.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Wed 03-Aug-11 08:09:11

Mirai The "tiny niggle", as I saw it, was his work/life balance: he had no time for me at all, and was angry and shouty with me when we did interact. Because of work stress, I thought. I was worried about the poor dear's working methods and mental health and wanted help for him. MNers tried to make me see that he was being deaf to my feelings.

Jasper The final lightbulb moment came months later, when he threatened to kill me.

Hissy, I guess I'm not so much apologising as saying to MNers that their efforts are not necessarily in vain even for OPs who appear to blithely ignore good advice. It's just that denial is a tenacious beast.

PeppaIsBack Wed 03-Aug-11 08:21:16

ItsMe can I add my word of thank you too?

Reading the threads on here helped me realize that there was a major issue with my relationship too. The only posts that could describe adequately how I felt were the ones from OP who were in abusive relationships. So I knew there was something totally wrong (but still thought H wasn't EA - denial denial...).

So to add to your last comment, MNers who spend so much effort & time to help other posters might only be able to dent the OP armor (and ignore the advice) but all those posts helped me, even though I was just lurking.

So thank you to all

malinkey Wed 03-Aug-11 10:52:06

I would like to say thank you too.

I came on here in a desperate attempt to get advice on how to fire up my non-existent sex life and from reading other people's stories gradually discovered that I was actually in an abusive relationship and that my sex life was the least of my worries!

I have spent hours reading the advice that MNers give on the relationships board and it has helped me enormously. I wish I'd discovered this site years ago.

I'm now separated from my ex and living happily with DS. I finally feel like I can breathe again and am looking forward to a calm happy future.

I feel like my belief system has been given a major overhaul and my parameters of what is normal have been totally reset thanks to the advice of the wise ladies (and men) on here. If I were ever to get involved in another relationship again I would have a totally different viewpoint of what is acceptable to me.


piranhamorgana Wed 03-Aug-11 11:21:50

Well done,Puppy smile

It's coming up for 2 years since I started lurking on here,and 18 mo since my first post.
I shudder to think what might be going on for me and my dc if not for this place and everyone here.

I agree with malinkey - my parameters of normal are now totally different thanks to reading and posting here.

I admit to actually framing questions and concerns that occur to me these days as an imaginary/potential thread,then considering what the responses of familiar posters might be.I find this really helps.

barbiegrows Wed 03-Aug-11 11:58:23



HerHissyness Wed 03-Aug-11 16:14:29

I've been here actively for nearly 3 years.

from initial dips of toe into the water, when I knew things could be better ("but men, eh?!") to the gradual realisation that it was all well and good railing against the inequality of women in less equal societies, but that actually my own situation was a lot more serious than I was given to understand.

When I started to flex my relationship muscle when X came back to UK, and the nasty reaction it was met with... things went from bad to worse. I stood my ground, I knew I was right to do so, I knew that what was being said on MN was right and more importantly fair.

I got a lot of support from MN during the run up to the split, but the outpouring of support from people I have never met after he had left was overwhelming!

Since he left I have managed to start asking questions, and come up with the odd answer. I feel reassured and validated in my decision to let him go, and I don't think I'd have found this freedom if not for the information I gleaned from MN and the support I now count on.

MN is like the great big sister you never had! She'll wade in, kick your behind, and tell you to buck your ideas when you need it, but she'll be the first to pick you up off the floor, dust you down and give you a great big hug and a plaster too. grin

LittleHousebytheRiver Wed 03-Aug-11 16:30:18

Another thanks from me. My journey was hugely complicated by my total denial of the failure of my marriage and I still can't pinpoint the exact nature of my ExH's abuse. But I have read enough on here and in the books recommended to have identified an abusive relationship.

I got here after I had an EMA which horrified me, and my DH came on here posting as a wronged wife looking for support!! AF told him cheerily and characteristically to "tell the F to F off and and then F off again". I was labelled the abusive one and did penance for all my many sins.

Eventually after 18 months of counselling for me and joint Relate therapy I saw the light and did F off. And now I am free and happy and can see just how twisted and manipulative our marriage was and how I got into that horrible place that made me behave so badly, and am just beginning to believe I might actually be quite a nice person after all.

Hooray for MN and all the lovely people who take the trouble to post!

jasper Wed 03-Aug-11 19:47:41

Littlehouse, glad things worked out for you in the end.
Can you please explain what an EMA is? Thank you

BibiBlocksberg Wed 03-Aug-11 20:17:28

Puppy, so so well done! I was only thinking a couple of days ago how strong you are now and how much great advice you're now giving to others on every thread you're on!

What a journey we're all on thanks to MN!

Personally I remain thankful to my own awakening thanks to a thread re a crappy sex life that ended up with me realising that (as others here did) that issue was the least of my worries!

I confess I had plenty of moments of thinking 'what are you DOING Bibi, listening to strangers in cyberspace but it was the best advice I've ever had and remain thankful for the freedom I've gained every day!

garlicbutter Thu 04-Aug-11 00:12:57

Jasper: I'm guessing extra-marital affair?

jasper Thu 04-Aug-11 00:25:34

Ah , thanks garlicbutter

LittleHousebytheRiver Thu 04-Aug-11 00:48:45

Sorry Jasper
It was, much to my shame. I will never get into a situation like that again!

But Bibi is right, we are on a journey together.

barbiegrows Thu 04-Aug-11 06:53:06

You sound like you're in a good place now LittleHouse. I'd be interested to know how you managed after the separation.

jasper Thu 04-Aug-11 20:03:16

Littlehouse, from what you say about your ex husband I am not surprised you had an affair! smile

LittleHousebytheRiver Thu 04-Aug-11 20:16:37

Never a good choice to make though Jasper as I now recognise.

jasper Thu 04-Aug-11 22:37:06

Absolutely agree Littlehouse but sometimes can be part of a drastic wake up call. So glad you are in a happier more authentic place

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