Warning this will be long but please do try and bare with me as I really need some perspective on this.
I am currently estranged from my mum and one of my sisters. Situation has now been going on for over 3 years. Only see them once a year-xmas. It was all over who inherited my gm house when she died(her son,my uncle got it). I didnt care who got it but my mum felt she was entitled to it-more on that later. Because I wouldnt back her up or refuse to speak to my gm(since deceased) I was disowned by mum and sister.
I have always had a very strained relationship with my mum. She split from my dad when we were very young and moved in with our gps. She then basically imo gave up all parental responsibity to our gps. She has always worked and never spent any time with us even on her days off-gps took us on hols,days out,taught us to ride/swim etc.
When I was 8 she met another man-from the very first meeting my sister and I did not like him and our gps were also wary. Mother would not listen and moved in with him very quickly. We stayed with gps and she visited us at weekends or we stayed with them.
They then got a house near to gps and insisted we move in. They put a lot of pressure on gps(also my mum was pregnant at this point) saying that they had to let us try and be a proper family.
Things went downhill very quickly. Stepdad was a control freak and also physically and verbally abusive. SS became involved but blamed alot of it on me-basically blaming it on my teenage hormones and my not giving stepdad a chance(hadnt told them about beatings as mum begged me not to).
My mum began to realise what my stepdad was really like and sunk into a depression-my sister and myself were basically left to our own devices. Stepdad stopped paying bills/contributing and we all suffered as a result.
Just before my mum was due to give birth stepdad was discovered to have been stealing from his work-police raided our house. Mum finally saw sense and left him.
We moved back in with gps but he made our lives hell-would phone at all hours,send police or fire brigade to the house on false calls,shout or bang on door etc. Police were useless to help. My gd health was already poor and he suffered a stroke which I believe was strongly due to the stress of all this.
My mum had my youngest sister and when she was a few months old she walked out on us(on my birthday incidentally) and refused to tell us where she was going. We didnt see her for 3 months. She had of course moved in with stepdad again but denied it for ages.
Sorry I am trying to get to the point! stepdad also behaved inappropriately with me-dont know if I could call it sexual abuse as such but he rubbed his self against me,stared at my breasts and made smutty comments(I wasnt the only one who thought so-a friend also pointed out it was really wrong the way he behaved). I found out a long time later he had done similiar things to my sister.
My mum has also always made me feel crap about myself. She commented on my weight from when I was a teenager. I had an amazing figure but she thinks anyone over a size 8 is fat!(she had a tummy tuck on the nhs which went wrong-she nearly died which would have left myself responsible for my 9 year old sister!).
She also bullied me into an abortion when I was 19-drove me to self harm. A doctor tried to reason with her and told her she was emotionally blackmailing me(ie if you dont go through with it I will kill myself) but she refused to help me and I went through with it as was scared of losing my family.
She also made nasty comments about me being a sahm-she thinks I am wasting my degree and that everyone should work. She forgets that I dont have access to the free child care that she did!!.
So the point is-finally! should I confront her over the things that she has done/said in the past or should I just let things lie? My sister that no longer speaks to me also lived through all this but she has basically re-written history and paints my mother out to be a saint(ie she took my gm in after gd died-true but she only did this so she would have someone to pay half the rent and free babysitting again-plus she believed that meant she would get her house-ha well that backfired!). The main thing that hurts me is that she put a man before her kids-not once but numerous times when she took him back. She finally got rid of him when I was 17 but by then the damage was done.
I know my mum loves to think of herself as a martyr and also that she tells people I have stopped her from seeing my dcs-completely untrue
Thanks if you have managed to read this essay!.
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Should I confront my mum?-long!!
10 replies
pink4ever · 02/08/2011 18:56
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