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Tell the wife?

(19 Posts)
GarfieldBaby Tue 02-Aug-11 18:01:27

P had an emotional/text/email affair with V.
P and V used to date.
V is married to H.
H knows that V cheated on her with P while H was away. This has not been forgotten.
V has also strayed at least twice in the past.
P and V are not in any kind of dalliance now.
Should the wife be told?

SingOut Tue 02-Aug-11 18:09:41

Sorry, you've lost me. This is like those maths problems that go round and round your head when you are in bed with the flu.

PhilipJFry Tue 02-Aug-11 18:12:34

I hope you don't mind but I've added in some fake names as I find it hard to follow things like this when there's just letters! Have I got the genders right?

"Poppy had an emotional/text/email affair with Vance.
Poppy and Vance used to date.
Vance is married to Hannah.
Hannah knows that Vance cheated on her with Poppy while Hannah was away. This has not been forgotten.
Vance has also strayed at least twice in the past.
Poppy and Vance are not in any kind of dalliance now.
Should the wife be told?"

AmberLeaf Tue 02-Aug-11 18:15:09

Told by who?

Unless you are P or V stay the hellout of it.

If you are P best thing is to stay away from married folk regardless of any 'history'

GertieWooster Tue 02-Aug-11 18:15:54

Which one's the wife though?

Xales Tue 02-Aug-11 18:22:17

Depends on who you are and how long ago you are on about.

P had an emotional affair with V. H knows about it already. So um is this another emotional affair or the same one?

H already knows that V is a skuzz that cheats on her and has stayed with him despite him having several affairs. What difference is telling her something she knows about going to make?

If you are P why do you want to tell? Is it revenge? Is it because you think V should be with you and you are angry he stayed with H? Do you just want to hurt H (or V)? Or do you think this is the honorable thing to do despite being the one to have the emotional affair?

If you are not P, V or H then what do you gain from telling H that V has had an affair if she already knows?

GarfieldBaby Tue 02-Aug-11 18:30:11

I am a friend of P.
H is the wife.
P wants to tell the wife but I think not.
H doesn't know about hte recent affair between P and V.

Lifeissweet Tue 02-Aug-11 18:40:20

Ah - ok - that is clearer.

I think you are right. Why is he telling her? Because he feels guilty and thinks it will make him feel better. This is selfish.

I do believe in honesty in relationships, but this is honesty for honesty's sake. Telling is actually not going to take away his guilt as he still had the affair and it isn't going to undo it - he will have to then face the guilt of seeing his wife badly hurt and unable to trust him.

I think the only thing he can do it be absolutely sure that he stays away from that woman and NEVER does anything like it again and then make sure his marriage is strong and happy. The best thing he can do to make this up to his wife is not tell her, but change his ways.

Others may disagree...

Xales Tue 02-Aug-11 18:40:35

Well as a friend of P I would say to her (probably less bluntly)....

WTF are you doing messing around with a proven cheat (and I assume liar) don't you have any self respect? This man has screwed around with you before and has not left his wife for you. Get yourself some self respect leave the poor fucking woman's husband alone and look very closely in the mirror.

She didn't leave when they did cheat or when he cheated several other times leave her alone.

Lifeissweet Tue 02-Aug-11 18:46:26

Although - having thought about it again, I would add a caveat.

He should keep it from her only if he can be certain that she won't find out from another source. The pain of being lied to is probably worse than just being cheated on. If he suspects that V (or anyone else) might want to spill the beans, then he should probably get in first. Otherwise, it's kinder to keep quiet, be a better husband and work out what made him feel willing/able to cheat and work on that.

Whatmeworry Tue 02-Aug-11 19:24:24

P is not telling H about v to save her soul, she is sh*t stirring.

SheCutOffTheirTails Tue 02-Aug-11 19:30:07

Agree with whatme - P should not tell H.

AmberLeaf Tue 02-Aug-11 19:31:02

Agree with Whatmeworry

barbiegrows Tue 02-Aug-11 20:30:59

You shouldn't tell H, P shouln't tell H either.

V, as husband of H, should tell her and you should be urging him to be honest for her sake and because if he does not it will eat away at him. He may lose her, but either way the commitment is lost and the love must be on very shaky ground.

She probably knows anyway.

Bogeyface Tue 02-Aug-11 20:42:35

If he has cheated in the past and has now done it again then I wouldnt be at all surprised if he wants to tell her because subconciously he wants to know what she will put up with, and perhaps because he is insecure and feels the need to get her to prove that she loves him by staying even though he has treated her so badly.

She stayed with him after cheating before and if she stays with him after this then he has a free pass to keep cheating because he knows that she wont leave. If she leaves, well she obviously didnt love him enough and he was right to stray.

Bogeyface Tue 02-Aug-11 20:43:35

If she leaves, well she obviously didnt love him enough and he was right to stray. Sorry, that is from his POV, not mine! Mine is that he is a total arsehole and he should do the decent thing and leave her to find someone who treats her right.

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 02-Aug-11 20:51:39

My views on infidelity are rather Clintonesque. If no Hot Cock Action (HCA) took place between P & V, then he need confess nothing. It won't achieve anything if he does confess, apart from a cleansing of his conscience, and to make H even more suspicious than she already is that HCA has taken place rather than just an EA.

Clear? grin

Whatmeworry Tue 02-Aug-11 21:11:22

What about Lubricated Cock Action (LCA) - aka the Intern Shuffle grin

Bogeyface Tue 02-Aug-11 21:20:30

If no Hot Cock Action (HCA) took place between P & V, then he need confess nothing.

Firstly that is absolute bollocks and secondly, it belittles affiars of any kind, physical or not and therefore the women who are heartbroken when their OH cheats.

As someone who has been on the wrong end of both a texting affair and a physical affair (2 different exes who cheated and neither of them emotional from what I could gather) I can say that he most definitely HAS cheated. The pain of the texting affair was just as bad as the physical affair. If this man was getting sexual kicks outside of the marriage and without the other partners agreement (such as swinging etc) then it is cheating, end of.

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