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Is it possible to leave the person you love?

(24 Posts)
SadDoormat Tue 02-Aug-11 08:33:50

I think the time has come.

After being with my DP for 6 years now I think i have just realised how little my children and I mean to him. sad

I really do love him and whilst I am feeling brave and am looking at houses to move too right now I know that once he walks through the door tonight my heart will melt and It will break me little by little so i stay and waste even more years.

Thats how it feels to me now, wasted years.

I left my ExP and took my 2 babies to live with my now DP, although he plays with the children he does not treat them as his own. His own children are grown up but he treats them like babies too. He pays for their holidays, spends mega-bucks on them at xmas as if he is still being santa IYKWIM. They are 22 and 21, he also has a GD who is treated like a princess, not that there is anything wrong with that but she is almost the same age as my 2 children and is treated so differently it breaks my heart. His GD along with his DD and Exp goes on good expensive holidays which he pays for, mine get a long weekend at Haven etc sad

An arguement started on Saturday about his ExP and how i feel he does more for her than he does for me even though we live together, he said he does it for his children not her. I can understand this sometimes but it really pisses me off that when i ask him to cut the grass or any other menial task then it takes weeks for him to do it, yet he cuts her hedges because the man upstairs complained to her? confused I know he doesnt fancy her or want to be with her but I cant help feeling annoyed that she always gets her own way. Its as if the whole world mollycoddles her. He left her 6 years ago but everytime she hears my name or finds something in the car belonging to me she throws a tantrum and either takes overdose or ends up in hospital with some "illness". Now it has come to the point that I cant mention her name because he says I am nasty and bitter about her but thats bytheby sorry i am going OT.

One of his DC comes to visit us quite often, the other doesnt want to know about me at all or know anything about me and her father. She lives quite far away. She is 21

I am in contact with all the rest of his family, his sis, his dad etc. His dad has been unwell for a while and I have been calling into check on him, bring him lunches, a few doctors appointments all ongoing for past 3 years, now he is in hospital and DP and me were having a disagreement last night again about his ExP and he told me that if anything happens to his dad I will not be at the funeral because his daughter (21) will be there as is her right and she doesnt want to know me or have anything to do with me so I cant go!

This is the straw that broke the camels back!!

I feel so ....... I don't know what I feel. Sad, shocked, angry, hurt, I am sure there are a million other words to describe how I feel right now. I am really thinking about leaving, I think I made a massive mistake in my life.

SadDoormat Tue 02-Aug-11 08:37:05

There is so much more I could add to this but I would be here all day. I dont even know where to move to if I leave. There is no one here for me, all my family lives hundreds of miles away but I don't want to move too close to them either.

SingOut Tue 02-Aug-11 08:42:53

It's never too late to turn your life around if you want to. Sorry I don't have advice but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

ImperialBlether Tue 02-Aug-11 08:46:48

What do you love about him? He sounds really horrible. Is it just that you fancy him, rather than love him?

He doesn't love you in the way you want. He would never say that you couldn't go to his father's funeral when you've done so much for him, otherwise. He would treat your children better if he loved you properly.

There are nicer men than this out there. Leave this one to his dysfunctional family.

SadDoormat Tue 02-Aug-11 08:53:38

I didnt mean to make him sound horrible, he has nice points, he makes me laugh, he pays more attention to my children than their own father does, he buys me & kids presents, makes me feel good about myself (most times). He just doesnt consider them as much as he does his own.

He pays for our holidays, we have 2 holidays 1. our holiday without children, 2. childrens holiday which long weekend at haven. But he also pays for a week in an expensive holiday park for his dd (22) GD and exP and another weekend holiday for his GD DD when we go with my children. He says he isnt goign on our weekend holiday this year now I have to take my kids on my own.

SadDoormat Tue 02-Aug-11 08:57:44

The holidays all have to coincide exactly so his ExP doesnt know he is on holiday with me.

venusandmars Tue 02-Aug-11 09:01:09

It sounds rather as if he is torn apart by guilt. From what you've written it seems as though he left his wife and kids when you 2 got together, and the he is paying the emotional price of that.

If he is feeling so bad about hurting his dcs (to the extent that one still will not speak to him) then it will be difficult for him to transfer his feelings to your dcs. In fact there may be a part of him which subconsiously blames you for it (even though he made his own decisions and wastotally responsible for them).

None of this justifies his poor behaviour, but unless he (and you) can get to grips with how his guilt is affecting your relationship then things are not going to improve much.

SadDoormat Tue 02-Aug-11 09:08:07

They all speak to him, but i do agree about the guilt, sadly that doesnt help me because he is unwilling to change anything.

I dont know what to do, he isnt a great talker, he goes into moods rather than talk then things get swept under the carpet because I cant do silent treatment and talk normally just to remove the tension from the house.

I do love him but i also have incredible guilt about taking my children away from everyone they knew and a totally different life so that isnt helping that i cant talk about all this with him.

I don't even know if I am making sense.

I think you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. Personally, I don't think it's so unusual that he'd think more of his own children than yours. They aren't his, are they? He hasn't taken them on as his own, and after six years he isn't going to. You can't make him care more for you and your children. Also, from your posts, it does sound like you are resenting his children and GD. I understand why you might feel that way, but none of this sounds good for you. He has made it clear where you come in his list of priorities, so i suppose it's now up to you.

SadDoormat Tue 02-Aug-11 09:23:26

Do I really? [surprise] I really dont, strange you say that though because that is what he says. Its not that I resent them I resent teh way he makes me feel inferior to them. IMO my children are every bit as good as his, and are worthy of the same.

Do you think I am being unreasonable? please be totally honest with me. I would love to resolve all this, as i have said numeropus times I love him and would love to work this out, but is that worth feeling totally worthless?

and what about the funeral comment? is that justifiable?

SadDoormat Tue 02-Aug-11 09:28:19

my smile face didnt work I wrote "surprise" instead of "shock" and now it looks like sarcasm sad

AnyFucker Tue 02-Aug-11 09:33:21

OP, I can sort of see why he feels more for his own children (I don't usually post on stepfamily threads, because they are a minefield and I don't have personal experience)

however I would be utterly pissed off that he appears to be more interested in his ex's good opinion of him than yours

that would be the dealbreaker for me

she has to be protected of the fact that you are on holiday with him ? what the actual fuck ?

he still allows her to yank his chain so successfully...doing odd jobs for her while your own home suffers ?

Personally, I would be convinced that if there was nothing going on between them, that he certainly still held a torch for her, and would be making it quite clear that I come first and he'd better start demonstrating it, or I am gone

RabbitPie Tue 02-Aug-11 09:39:29

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RabbitPie Tue 02-Aug-11 09:43:40

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SadDoormat Tue 02-Aug-11 09:51:13

Rabbitpie I agree its not akin to being a blood relative but none of these children have seen him in 6 years. Where I have been running back and forward juggling my own children and DPs dad I think i have a right to be there, they wouldn't stop a nurse or a home-help from going?

AF my thoughts exactly, not that he is interested in her in any way but she does be protected by everyone for some reason or another. I am not even allowed to leave a piece of paper or my childrens' car seat in the car in case she gets into the car and sees them. sad

I have to go out now but I am grateful for everyone's opinion and advice so please don't think i have disappeared I will be back later. Thank you all so far as you have given me a few different ways to think about things smile

RabbitPie Tue 02-Aug-11 10:05:32

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Honestly? I don't think it matters about the funeral etc. Because they are all just symptoms of the same thing. Is he being fair? No. But you can't make him put you first. Personally, I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I had to play second fiddle. It must be doing damage to your self esteem, and frankly, you deserve better. As do your children. I honestly think, from what you've said, that you will always be the 'second family', and be expected to kow tow to the first. You do sound resentful, but he isn't actually doing anything to suggest you shouldn't be. I'd be resentful in this situation. But I stand by my comment that this isn't good for you. So you either have to accept being forever in the shadow of the first family, or decide to hold out for something better. And there would be better.

RabbitPie Tue 02-Aug-11 10:08:54

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lastroseofsummer Tue 02-Aug-11 10:42:22


Did you both leave your partners to be with each other (sorry if this has been answered previously and I missed it). I agree that it may be guilt on his part but dont think that gives him a right to make you feel second best. Presumably himself and his ex finished as their relationship wasnt working - that is not your fault - he chose to be with you and should be man enough to stand over that and should you some respect.

Deep down Sad you know that this isnt good for your little ones nor yourself - thats why you are thinking of going.

You have to all intents and purposes been his wife over all these years and should be treated as such. He doesnt deserve you from the sounds of it

TheScenicRailway Tue 02-Aug-11 11:26:41

I sympathise with you and your situation, but am also trying to see this from all sides.

Your partner left his wife and kids when they were 15 and 16. People often assume that kids and partners cope better if a marriage breaks up when the children are older, but the reverse is true IME. The reality in this case might have been that his wife was left with two devastated, hormonal teenagers in the midst of GCSE angst. From the DCs' point of view, they might have seen their mother fall apart just at the time when they needed two strong parents in their corner. They might blame him (as they should, frankly) but it is easier to blame you more, because they don't love you as they do their Dad.

It's a real shame for her sake that his exW hasn't rebuilt her life and turned her back on him, but I wonder whether you are getting the full story here? It might suit him to paint her as being needy and hysterical, but this might be concealing the fact that he needs her just as much.....

Would you describe him as a weak man? Who put more pressure on to leave your partners - you or him? Looking back at how you both left to be together might give you more insight into his character - and your own, of course.

From your DCs' point of view, they have been forced to live with a father figure who will always put them second - and if their own father wasn't great, they have suffered double losses.

From your point of view, you might need to decide whether your P is ever going to be the strong character you need him to be. Just as his exW and DCs are focusing on you as being the real problem, you might be focusing on them too much when really, it is your P who deserves more scrutiny.

6 years is a long time to invest in a relationship and the problem often with relationships like this where huge sacrifices have been made, is that people stay in them for too long. If you'd just been dating someone who was this weak and put you and your children second every time, you might have moved on years ago. Don't feel you have to put you or your children through this any longer. Certainly don't let your guilt stop you from putting you and them first.

WibblyBibble Tue 02-Aug-11 12:42:21

Agree with Chickens. Also, I really think you need to think about what sort of relationships are good for you and your children- it may not have seemed obvious at the time but being with someone who left his wife and children for you, and you doing the same, was really likely to end badly in some way from the start. He is obviously tremendously guilty, but actually I don't think he's wrong to be as he did a terrible thing to his wife and children. Much better to be alone or get into a relationship where no one needs to be eaten up by guilt, next time.

SadDoormat Tue 02-Aug-11 16:58:27

According to him she got pregnant within 3 months of meeting him and he wouldn't leave his child, he says he always told her he would leave when his second child born a year later was going to be 16, he said he told her that since both children were very young due to her behaviour, laziness and other serious issues, they never got on and she took a few ODs along the way.

He is a strong person (towards me) but if his daughter says jump he jumps, which doesn't bother me. One of his dd visits me and we meet for coffee etc but she has to keep quiet about this too, she says her mum would try to OD again and her sis just closes her ears and doesn't want to know.

I don't know whether to just cool myself off and prepare myself to leave at the next argument or readjust my thinking completely and treat this relationship as dating with shared bed lol rather than a partnership.

Help! confused

SadDoormat Tue 02-Aug-11 17:01:00

We are supposed to be engaged, what a joke? He says somehow we would get married then a year later he says we will probably just have a long engagement [hmmm]
Im stuck between accepting him for the dominant? person he is, or leaving as nothing is changing.

TobyLerone Tue 02-Aug-11 17:14:58

Do you work? It sounds like you've expected him to take on you and your children and all of the financial commitment that brings.

I think there are a lot of things at work here, and guilt and resentment do not usually make for a good relationship.

I agree with the point about thinking more carefully about what relationships are good for you and your children in the future.

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