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I guess I can conlude that my childhood has really f**ked my head up :(

(40 Posts)
floofers Mon 01-Aug-11 22:11:51

Hi All

Really sorry for this sad have posted on here in the past and had some great help/words of wisdom.... and I guess I am hoping for some more.

My childhood, if we are going to be honest was not great. It was sexually, mentally and physically abusive. In the main my father was the problem with the odd taunt and bit of violence from my mum. SS did get involved re the sexual abuse when I was a teen, but I was told in every certain term that I would not have a family or home to go to if I admitted there were problems. Hence it was brushed under the carpet and life went on.

There was one further incident of assault as an adult too.

Fast forward a number of years, I am fairly happily married with 2 wonderful DCs.

I had a traumatic delivery with DC1, after what was an uneventful pg really. Got pg with DC2 and the panic set in. I had a couple of conditions that made me high risk and the hosp were very much in my face. I did my best to be "compliant" (and at no point did I risk DC2) but did not follow all the hosp guidance and policy (lots of letters were written blush).

I did at this time manage to loosely confide in my GP - she tried to help - but in all honestly I shied away from both her, the CMW and any other HCP really.

DC2s delivery was really quite a good experience - as when DH called in they had no beds, and 2 hrs later it was all over, she had been delivered by paramedics. I really didnt find it bad at all - until I was taken in and got my ear bent by the cons and examined by the fucking bully mw.

I'll be honest, I dont know how much of me delivering at home was intentional or not. I had always wanted a HB but been advised against it by hosp. I think I just couldnt bring myself to go. The no beds and fast delivery all made it easy though.

I guess all of this ramble boils down to will I ever let anyone help me or trust them. I think I feel vile and ? about the fact that I end up taking risk cause I cant bear people near me or to be honest. At the 8 wk check I dragged DH along to avoid any discussion about me. I cant stand the way I feel but I cant talk or do anything about it either. I really feel ?

Its like when I grew up - the house was a real mess..... I was never allowed friends round /people never came in. I realise this now was dads way of keeping control. But it has left me feeling like the house always has to be tidy/clutter free - which with two young dcs is very hard!

Also I was always called names/lazy fucking bitch for one - so I can now see that this is why I put so much pressure on myself to do so much. I realised the other day that when DH came in I jumped up from sitting at the pc - cause I couldnt be caught doing nothing. In fact I have been doing this alot - I wont let him see me sitting down (!) FWIW he has never complained about anything! In fact he says I am too hard on myself.

I hate myself and I hate the way that I am. I want to be a happy and confident mummy so that my DCs can be happy and confident too.

I want to cut my parents out of my life but cant. The perfect family image goes on. Dont get me wrong for a second - my dad is never left alone with my DCs, and never will be. DH knows too.

I guess its all the pressure...... its like I really ought to write my will, and I feel that I should put in it that my parents are never to have sole care of DCs (should anything happen to us obv)- but cant even cope with trying to do that.

Any responses would really truly be appreciated. I really dont know how to move forward. I guess its the fact I was always made to lie.

My GP did offer support in the pg, but I now dont feel I can trust her after her " the baby has rights too" wrt when I was not complying - I guess I felt bullied maybe. I was never trying to risk the baby. Or myself - I just couldnt face what they were throwing at me.

lookingfoxy Tue 02-Aug-11 00:37:18

You really need to talk to someone about your past.
Maybe a confidential helpline if your not ready to open up to your GP yet?
No real advice, just bumping for you.
FWIW, I had a shitty childhood as well and got CBT through my GP and it really helped raise my self esteem and deal with a few issues.

pickgo Tue 02-Aug-11 01:05:36

I too think CBT might be really helpful for you to 'reset' all those internalised self-accusations that you have learnt from childhood. If you can, going private puts you in control more and avoids having to go to GP.

Wrt to parents, why are you still in contact even? I'd have a hard time even keeping my hands off such a dad's throat remaining civil, never mind allowing contact with DCs. Forgiving your parents and moving on does not mean you have to continue seeing them. You might feel better about yourself if you take control and decide to go no contact. You don't say why you can't cut them out?

Be kind to yourself and try to focus on all the good things you are doing for yourself and your family (DH & DCs). And make sure you do some things for you that you enjoy and are good just for you. Make a list of things to do for you and do one of the things on your list every day. x

want2sleep Tue 02-Aug-11 01:21:13

see if there is a sexual abuse suvival group in your area? Nothing better than being amonst those who have been in your shoes and other groups on internet as well as here...the help you can get/share/also help others will help you too realise you are strong not like your parents and help you not take the blame they put on you....also having time to yourself also is good like suggested!

You need to e prepared that you will be openning a can of worms and will have difficult times ahead with getting therapy....but it help you recognise it is not your fault...the HCPs were worried about you and baby with delivery...they have to go by safety...but must admit CMW doesn't understand the effects sexual abuse has on a person not wanting to be touched etc..

Make sure the therapy is with a fully trained psychologist for this. The help will empower you and stop the self guilt/blame that was forced on you as an innocent child...(((HUGS)))

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 02-Aug-11 09:14:44

Well done on being so perceptive in putting responsibility where it belongs (your parents), and in understanding the effect their parenting continues to have on you today.

I would also echo others' recommendations to attend counselling. Several kinds of counsellors could be useful to you; up to you to determine which would suit you most:

- A classic psychodynamic counsellor would give you a safe place to go over your past, to open up about it and explore how it made you feel and affects you today.

- A CBT therapist would focus on the present and the future, with a more rational than emotional perspective, exploring with you the methods you could use to handle, for example, your feelings of self-hatred when they crop up, and ways to disengage from your parents.

You could also inform yourself on your own if you are not ready for counselling yet. See if any of the websites or books below sound like they would help you:

- Out of the FOG (FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, which adults who were exposed to abusive family members or partners often internalise). This website is very dispassionate and clinical, but in layman's terms

- Pete Walker is a therapist who specialises in adults who grew up with abuse. His language is very academic.

- Susan Forward is very warm and approachable. She's also a professional therapist with a personal background of abuse. Amazon's "Look Inside" feature will let you see whether you like her style and whether the content she covers in her book corresponds to your needs.

floofers Tue 02-Aug-11 13:01:08

A quick reply to all your lovely responses while I have a couple of seconds peace.

Lookingfoxy CBT is possibly a good way forwards. As an aside issue I had a couple of other (unrelated) occurances in my life which left me with anxiety issues. Over time these have eased, but at the time a private psychologist said I should have a course of CBT. Trouble is, as always the first hurdle.

Pickgo I think it is the silly guilt thing. Also my sister is a little fragile at the moment - and I dont want to rock the apple cart. Mums health is not great - and I think dad bullies her alot - but that said - I now realise that she really is not innocent. Its like I said to DH the other day - when they visit - I cannot even feel safe leaving them with my mum in the room - cause she allowed it to happen to me so why not them? I am looking to cut their visiting down a lot and then maybe that would be a good compromise for now?

Want2Sleep I dont think I could face being so public about such a well kept secret just yet sad
I realise the whole can of worms thing. Just before and in the early part of my relationship with DH, I did tend to self harm and Vodka was my friend sad I really didnt look after myself either and I am trying to step away from that habit! I guess I am scared about things getting worse before getting better biscuit

Its MeAndMyPuppyNow Thank you for those links - I will certainly have a look at them. It has taken me a very very long time to realise just who is at fault here. Some years ago an older friend of mine was also very perceptive about my father and the state of the house. I.e leave it as a shit hole and then he has control over everything in it. This became even more clear when mum came out of a 14 day stay in hosp over xmas/ny one year - when she begged for district nurse help and other help in clearing the house and it was Dad who put his foot down and said NO in every certain term. Oh and the time he threatened to kill me when I was planning on clearing the house to facilitate the above.

My mum loves her grand children and I dont want to take them from her. But I also dont want to be this screwed up. At the gp 8 wk check, when they just checked dcs "bits" as they do - that was enough to make me feel sick sad

I have got this all so wrong in my head

gethelp Tue 02-Aug-11 13:54:04

I feel so sad for you, you are trying to make everything ok by being a 'good girl', as if you're the one who has done wrong. I hope the advice given helps you and that you can switch the enormous strength you're using to keep a lid on it to making things right for you and your children and your dh.

saltyair Tue 02-Aug-11 14:39:59

Hey Floof. Just wanted to check in with you - I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. You've come so very far since the first time you posted.

pink4ever Tue 02-Aug-11 16:04:46

Sorry but I am going to be very harsh here-you leave yur dcs with a sexual abuser? what the actual fuck!!? How can you live with yourself doing this?. and before I get flamed for not being sympathetic let me say I have suffered sexual abuse myself.
Do not let either of your parents any where near your dcs-you would never forgive yourself if they suffered as you did. If your dh knows then why is he happy to go along with this situation?.
You need to sort out counselling/therapy for yourself asap and also cut your vile parents out of your life completely. Please do this for your dcs sake.

BelleDameSansMerci Tue 02-Aug-11 16:12:20

Pink - the OP has said quite clearly that she does NOT leave her children with an abuser...

pink4ever Tue 02-Aug-11 16:26:29

No what she actually said is that "they are never left alone with him" which I presume means that she is either there or her mother is-who is just as guilty imo. But how can she guarantee that he is not alone with them-what if her mother pops to the shops.the loo,to make a cup of tea? why would you risk it?. What sort of dh would allow his dcs to be around such people?.
The op need to ask for the help she so desperately needs but in the first instance her priority imo should be protecting her dcs. She can only do that by cutting her family out of her life.

aliceliddell Tue 02-Aug-11 17:10:22

Floofers - just the fact you're putting this on here shows you are ready to move on, leave it behind and move into a new life of freedom from all this. You are doing really well, looking after yourself and your dc 's. Hopeh you can find omeone to talk to where you feel safe soon.
All the best

floofers Tue 02-Aug-11 17:11:17

saltyair thanks for your reply. I am so sorry this is only as far as I have got. I just cant make myself speak up...... I really can understand why some people either have breakdowns or take their lives

pink4ever when I say my parents house is a shit hole - I mean it. None of us have been there in years. Hence they only ever visit us. Therefore I am ALWAYS here, as is DH and usually my sister, oh yes and the other Grandparents quite often. This is why I say that my DCs are never left with either or both of MY parents as I DONT trust either of them.

And no, your right - I would never forgive myself. In fact I cannot forgive myself for what happened to me.

I would love to cut my family out of my life but really cant seem to

MizzyTizzy Tue 02-Aug-11 17:25:40

FWIW floofers

I just want to let you know that if at any time you decided to go no contact with your parents...the world does not end.

It keeps spinning and everything around you continues just as it always has.

From my experience nothing 'bad' or worse than what you have already been though occurs...there is life after no contact...a good life. x

pink4ever Tue 02-Aug-11 18:15:22

floofers-sorry if I sound harsh but sometimes I think a kick up the back side works better than a comforting hug-or at least it does with me. I just dont think you can risk your parents being around your dcs even if you are always there(you cant control your dads thoughts can you?-again sorry if that sounds bad but you know what he capable of).
I understand that cutting ties with them may seem daunting but you have your dh and dcs to help you through it. I an currently estranged from my mum and sister and while I was intially very upset I am now finding my life much easier without them bringing me down.
You can do it-stand up to them. Make your dcs proud.

pickgo Wed 03-Aug-11 00:27:59

Or may be baby steps is a better approach for you floofers? Cutting their visits right down. You could have a sickness bug that they will be sure to catch, seeing a friend, out shopping all day, just having a quiet day with DH & DCs - the list of avoidance techniques/excuses is endless!
You know floofers, you don't have to speak out if you don't want to. It might not be the best way forwad for you. And it's completely up to just you because you are in charge of all decisions for yourself! Be nice to yourself - you are not hateful, you sound very nice and intelligent. So treat yourself well!

floofers Wed 03-Aug-11 18:59:08

Thank you for your reply pickgo - I think I have to try that first - I did manage to distance myself really well at one point. sickeningly they are visiting us more in order to see their gc - could be innocent on mums part but possibly sickening on dads part. That said I must emphasise once again neither of them are ever left with them! I know I cant control my dads thoughts pink4ever - but his thoughts inside his head will never harm dcs. His actions could - but we will never ever allow that to occur.

pickgo thank you for saying that I sound nice and intellegent. I have spent so much time treating myself badly/neglecting myself- and I am honestly working on that to the best of my ability.

I have made an appt with my GP - but not for 2 weeks as she is on holiday. Hopefully that will give me the time to think about what I am going to say - and hopefully not give me time to talk myself out of it. I know its common for anyone that has been in a similar situation - but I always tell people I am fine, nothing is wrong, wont let people help me - and it is so hard to overcome.

Xales Wed 03-Aug-11 19:02:16

Floofers write it down so that you can just hand it over and let her read it.

That way you don't have to try and get it out in any logical sense.

Miggsie Wed 03-Aug-11 19:08:49

floofers, you need to get angry, not reasonable, not nice, not accommodating, not considerate...*angry*.

Then you can begin to heal.

floofers Wed 03-Aug-11 19:22:07

xales I think I probably do need to do that .... but I am just so scared. Which if I think of it is probably down to the fact that I was made to lie about it as a teenager, and that I was, I guess, very afaid at the time. I also dont think I can be honest with her completely, in the fact that I dont think I could tell her that it was my dad and yes - stupidly I still see him.

Miggsie fwiw I think I am a very angry person - but it is channeled in completely the wrong way. Every day I get angry with myself about both births, and why I allowed hcps to do x y and z. I then rationally think dont be stupid they did x because of and y because of and if they hadnt we could have been in the shit. But none the less I feel I was wrong to allow it. If I run the labour through my head again and again (which I cant help but do) on a bad day I think shame they even got here in time to stop me bleeding (pph) and on a good day I think it couldnt really have gone much better.

I so badly want rid of my parents, and to be able to be happy and confident. But I am so scared and worried of trying to achieve it sad

Xales Wed 03-Aug-11 19:35:16

i was 'lucky' I suppose in that it was my stepfather not my real father.

My mother did want him back when DS was a couple of years old and found out he was dying of cancer (stepfather). I never said anything to her but made it totally clear to my partner that my DS would never EVER go to her house if he were there.

There simply was not a chance in hell that I would have let that scum close to my child.

Toobluntforboss Wed 03-Aug-11 19:46:13

Floofers i have never been in your position but from reading this I think you are being incredibly strong and should be proud of yourself. I agree with xales about writing it down and letting the doctor read it or even reading it yourself to her as at least then you can remember to say all that needs said with minimal pressure to remember what to say. Good luck with however you choose to proceed. As others have said, you are in control now and will find further strength to do what's best for you your DH and DCs. Just believe in yourself as you have come so far and your DH and DCs sound lovely and worth a great future together. All the very best.

floofers Wed 03-Aug-11 22:10:10

Xales you were not "lucky" - abuse is still abuse. I know what you are saying but I cant seem to break free. If I am going to be honest with the GP, should I pre-emp her potential over excitement on the issue and contact social services myself? I cant think that she wouldnt want to include them. Surely people can see why I am finding it this hard - or am I really being irrational?

I am sorry if the above para sounds patronising but I really really really do not risk my dcs, and frankly would harm the bastard ( as would dh) if he ever attempted anything at all.

Maybe I should write a letter to the GP and then run? I can honestly say that not dealing with this is so much easier than trying to face it. Equally thinking of facing it makes me think maybe game over would be a better approach- you see that way the secret stays just that.


Xales Wed 03-Aug-11 23:10:32

I understand I think.

You feel damned if you do and damned if you don't.

If you do tell the GP then is there a risk of SS being involved? I don't know the answer to this. If you tell the GP that you want freedom from your father but feel emotionally guilty (because he is your dad) then one would hope they have half a brain cell and realise you are not risking your children and give you all the help and support you need to make yourself strong enough to do this.

If you don't then you will never be free. You will sit in the front room with your skin creeping watching this man watching your children and it will always be a dirty secret inside you, tainting you even though none of it is or was your fault.

Have you talked all this through with DH? Weighed up the pros and cons of just kicking your parents into touch or going down the GP route? Which ever way you go you will need an immense amount of support from him.

You have to trust someone as you have already come to the conclusion with posting on here bottling it up and letting it fester does you no good.

Good luck with your decision!

wrigglerstea Wed 03-Aug-11 23:46:57

If you think that CBT might be helpful, and it might well because it is managing the present, not having to open up the past, but you can't face actually dealing with a face to face things, have you thought about computerised CBT? There is reasonably good evidence for it and can make it easier to go to "real" CBT appt because you know what is coming.

There are various online free versions but the one most frequently recommended is called Moodgym and is easily findable on google. It was originally written for university students but can actually be generalised quite easily. It is, however, something you have to work on and have to set aside some time for, preferably several times a week for 6-8 weeks.

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