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How long would you put up with dh sex and intimacy problems?

(103 Posts)
gemitygem Mon 01-Aug-11 20:02:38

Am just wondering, obvioulsy not something I can discuss with many people so a post on here is just what I need!

Dh has had a erection problem since we have been together for 7 years. I have put up with the problem and taken it on as my own too. We have had 4 children remarkably together in the 7 years, the last two very difficult to conceive due to the problem.

We have only had sex probably around 20 times in the 7 years, but have had lots of foreplay and been intimate ect. I have said enough is enough now and we are going to see a sex therapist. This has been difficult for me as I am suffering with blaming myself for the problem, but I have recently felt much better as told dh if it is not better this time next year I want to split up.

The sex therapist gives us tasks and we had our first task given last week. Dh wanted to wait till the weekend to do it, so ok far enough. Come Saturday no mention of the doing the task came from dh and I had to remind him that I was going to be leaving him if things did not change, so we did it and it went well.

Dh has promised me that he is going to take me away somewhere for a weekend to do our next task, things like this have been promised before and as dh gets scared of what might be involved in going away together he avoids talking about it and doesn't take me.

I am now preparing that I may have to face life as a single mum and somehow feel rather impowered by this that I will do it on my own.

How long would you put up with this sort of behavour from dh?

gemitygem Mon 01-Aug-11 20:09:57


TeamDamon Mon 01-Aug-11 20:11:14

If you've just done the first task and it went well, why are you now preparing yourself to face life as a single mum? confused

I can understand that your DH's erectile dysfunction has been frustrating for you, but I'm not sure how threats of leaving him and ultimatums are going to help him to relax if his problems are psychological and not physical.

gemitygem Mon 01-Aug-11 20:13:54

Its the ultimatums which got him to do the task. For the last 7 years I have been relaxed, not putting pressure on and that has got us no where.

gemitygem Mon 01-Aug-11 20:28:36

I feel like it has always been me that has been trying to fix the problem and he avoids and skirts around it. Surely one can't put up with that forever?

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 01-Aug-11 20:34:29

i wonder why its now you are talking of leaving when he appears to be willing to attempt to address the problem now? he is seeking therapy, im not sure what more he could be doing tbh - he is probably feeling quite vulnerable and you are saying fix it or i walk....not sure how that helps really.

why have you waited 7 years?

he obviously CAN function otherwise you wouldnt have the children. How does he feel about things? have you talked to him?

your attitude to this sounds all arse about tit if im being honest.

when i met DH we had a problem but he couldnt manage it at all. We had therapy, perhaps your dh is reluctant to do the tasks because he knows with each failure it brings you closer to walking out on him.

midwife99 Mon 01-Aug-11 21:01:39

Yes I also think he's trying & if this has been a problem since you met it's not fair 7 years & 4 kids down the line to move the goal posts of what's ok or not. He's brave to go to therapy at all with such a long standing problem IMO. Could you continue with the therapy but stop the threats unless you REALLY mean them? You have 4 kids under 7 who need their parents.

DariusVassell Mon 01-Aug-11 21:53:11

I'm wondering whether there's someone or something else in the background here, that's inducing this urgency. You're not setting him up to fail are you OP?

confidence Mon 01-Aug-11 22:08:11

So he had the problem ever since you first knew him. Did you have sex before marrying him? If so, then you married him knowing exactly how he was. Even if not, you went on to have four kids with him rather than seeking a quick anulment.

And now, because he hasn't changed into what you want him to be, you plan to split up your family and deprive him of the opportunity to be a proper father to his kids. Nice one.

My advice: get a vibrator.

Also, this is another one of those threads where it's interesting to imagine what peoples' reactions would be if the genders were reversed. Husband is thinking of leaving his wife because she has physical problems that make sex rare and difficult? (a) The problems must be his fault in the first place: it's obviously because he's so insensitive / crap in bed / doesn't do enough washing up / watches too much porn that she is like that. (b) He must be a disgusting, depraved animal to put his selfish desire to satisfy his lust above the needs of his patient loving wife anyway.

Come on, you know it's true...

MirandaGoshawk Mon 01-Aug-11 22:19:20

Bit harsh ladies! OP, I can only think that your DP must have a very low opinion of himself, in other words, very disappointed with his own body and that it fails to function as he wants it to. He's failed you and himself, so best not to think about it, that sort of thing.

As to your question, I don't know how long I'd wait. Forever, I think, tbh, or at least until the dch were off my hands. Please keep trying, encouraging him & show him that you love him despite this problem. If you give him an ultimatum & tell him to sort it 'or else', it's hardly going to help.

Yes, and get a vibrator!

Good luck.

MirandaGoshawk Mon 01-Aug-11 22:20:45

Btw I do have a tiny inkling of what you're going through. It's been over two years for us sad

sayithowitis Mon 01-Aug-11 22:39:45

I agree with confidence. A man on here saying that his wife wouldn't/couldn't have sex would be told it was all his fault and that he should wait indefinitely until she felt ready to oblige.

Gemity, you may feel so much better now that you have told your poor husband that if it is not all sorted by next year, you want to split. He, on the other hand, is probably feeling even more crap about himself than he usually does.

Whatmeworry Mon 01-Aug-11 23:44:38

While I agree with Confidence re what MNers would say their " ideal behaviour" was if things were reversed, IMO this thread shows more about what reality looks like. I think at some point the frustrated party ( man or woman) decides they need to get their end away before they die have to act decisively..

Choosing the beginning of sex therapy to give him his standing orders has a sensitivity all of it's own, though I think the Other Party will usually always get hurt - but I do think after X years of not trying to fuck solve the problem they are partly architects of their own fate

btw I agree with all those who say why have 4 kids etc if you are not happy with the sex.

solidgoldbrass Tue 02-Aug-11 01:00:09

Oh I can see the OP's frustration - it sounds like her H has been promising to 'do better' for the whole seven years, and now he is still 'promising' but not doing and she's had enough. Perfectly reasonable - if you want someone to change and they won't do so, your only real option is to walk away.

gemitygem Tue 02-Aug-11 05:56:03

My god guys, did'nt expect to get such a slating!!!

Have you actually been in a relationship with these sort of problems, I would guess probably not. Having intimacy problems like this is not as easily solved on my part by buying a vibrator!!!

There is a missing part to our relationship, it is almost only half a relationship, unable to share together everything we need to be. The resentment builds up, then guilt, inadaqucy on both parts, jelousy of other peoples relationships and im talking on both sides here not just me.

You try not to let it effect the children and family life, but that is impossible. It is living a lie.

I have been promised since the relationship began that things are going to change, dh been to counselling before, it has not helped. I have tried everything to sort it out.

I think you will all agree that dh needs to do something to change this and this is the problem. After our sex therapy session on tuesday, dh was saying we may always have a problem with sex we just need to acept it and we are stuck together forever because we love each other so much. This feels comforting at the time that we are together forever, but its just words and a plaster on the problem. I have said all this to dh.

There are always excuses put in the way by dh and that does effect all aspects of our relationship not just sex.

I would challenge anyone of you ladies to try in a realtionship like this and bet you would not last 7 years. Bet that will through back some comments!

Whatmeworry Tue 02-Aug-11 07:12:00

This isn't a slating smile.

Some of the posters even agree with you!

Read some of the threads where the sexes are reversed, now those are slatings.

tawrag Tue 02-Aug-11 07:22:57

Sounds to me as if you are not really feeling 'married' (in the widest possible sense) to this man. I know that feeling and it's not good. Still, having four kids within seven years is pretty good going by anyone's standards. If you split up you'll still have problems, just different ones.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Aug-11 07:28:38

OP doesn't care about "if the genders were reversed"

I expect she wanted some support and advice about her own situation, not a telling-off about other hypothetical ones

I agree with sgb, it sounds like OP is at the end of her tether with a bloke who just doesn't seem to care enough to put proper, sustained effort into putting things right. He is quite happy, thank you very much, and is forcing OP to put up with an inadequate sex life

I do have to say though, I agree with those who are confused at why you would keep having kids with someone who doesn't make you happy...

Whatmeworry Tue 02-Aug-11 07:51:42

Oh come on AF, you know if the sexes were reversed the advice would be to give DP infinite time, space and patience, do all the housework, excoriate yourself for being emotionally abusive and satisfy yourself manually ( but don't you dare use porn).

Now that is a hypothetical solution grin

AnyFucker Tue 02-Aug-11 07:56:34

come on nothing, WMW smile

if you came on here for advice about a specific personal problem, would you feel supported by being told "but never mind that what about this and this and really you shouldn't be complaining because it is just as bad for the blokes too" ??


I hate this "reverse the genders" thing. This isn't about gender, it is about a selfish partner who seems quite content that he/she is "alright jack" but doesn't give a stuff that his/her partner is terribly unhappy and pretty much at the end of his/her tether

cucumbersandwiches Tue 02-Aug-11 09:07:54

I wonder if a man would put up with a woman who couldn't function sexually for 7 years hmm

pinkytheshrinky Tue 02-Aug-11 09:12:19

I have recently felt much better as told dh if it is not better this time next year I want to split up

nice..... no pressure then

You want to split up with your husband, that is fine but why put him through the ringer and prolong the agony?

solidgoldbrass Tue 02-Aug-11 09:13:58

Some people are a) not very interested in sex and b) fucking lazy and selfish about it. That's the problem in this case. The OP has been trying absolutely everything to fix the problem, listening, patience, counselling, all sorts, and met with this brick wall of a man who basically doesn't think she matters enough to make any effort.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Aug-11 09:14:55

pinky...because she loves him and wants to give him one last chance before she bails out ?

pinkytheshrinky Tue 02-Aug-11 09:19:13

He has erectile dysfunction.... the solution is not something you can put a time limit on. I think what he is saying is that they may always have problems with this - which is entirely possible with all the counselling in the world he might always have erectile dysfunction - it is a hard (if you will forgive the pun) problem to sort out and is often a multi faceted one.

He is under a huge amount of pressure from a (rightly) dissatisfied wife and stands to lose his family, how the fuck is that going to help him?

I think the fact he has gone for sex therapy says a great deal about it - he has had to talk about not being able to get it up in front of another person - that is incredibly exposing for him and says to me that he is taking this seriously.

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