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Pathetic question from a man

(57 Posts)
NeuroticMan Mon 01-Aug-11 16:34:21

This is a very minor problem (compared to some) that I need to ask, and I’d like to apologise if up front this makes me sound like a pig. I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for about 9 months, and we get on well, we’ve been on holiday, although we don’t live together yet.

I have a problem that is probably related to a deeper problem, namely whether I love my girlfriend. I seem to spend a lot of time looking at other women (not in a lechy way), but rather I’ll be in a coffee shop and see a woman reading a book, and I wonder what it would be like with her, or in the shops, and think a woman has a nice smile, or whatever.

I’ve never been like this before with my ex-partners, I remember my first girlfriend, and not noticing other women for about the first three or four years of our relationship. Fundamentally, it makes me wonder whether I’m really in love with my girlfriend, and if I’m not, I should end it for her to find someone else.

What I confused about is whether I’m just being a neurotic worrier, or whether, I’m just not in love with her, that makes me think this about other woman? Have I just not got my head from a mind-set of being single, to someone in a relationship?

Any thoughts? I apologise again if I’m being a pig.

malinkey Mon 01-Aug-11 16:39:45

Do you fancy your girlfriend?

ThePosieParker Mon 01-Aug-11 16:41:30

This is not the place to ask this question, ask some men instead.

NeuroticMan Mon 01-Aug-11 16:41:48

I do fancy her, Malinkey

NeuroticMan Mon 01-Aug-11 16:42:44


perhaps I should get their perspective, apologies

AmberLeaf Mon 01-Aug-11 16:44:09

Why is this not the place TPP?

If this question was asked by a female poster it would be ok though?

cucumbersandwiches Mon 01-Aug-11 16:44:20

Do you think you would act on it if another woman was interested in you, honestly?

TobyLerone Mon 01-Aug-11 16:44:43

This doesn't sound like too much of a problem, IMO. I think everyone does this.

Also, I'm pretty sure you're as entitled as the rest of us to post here with a genuine query. So I can't see a problem with that, either.

malinkey Mon 01-Aug-11 16:45:40

In answer to your question, I have no idea! Surely you're the only one who can tell how you feel about your girlfriend. Noticing other women aside, do you think you're in love with her?

I think if you notice another woman being attractive then that doesn't mean anything in itself, but if you're thinking you would like to cheat on your girlfriend then maybe you're not in love with her and if you would go further and act on those feelings then I'd let her go before you hurt her!

SarahStratton Mon 01-Aug-11 16:45:43

I can't see why he shouldn't ask on here. What would you do NM, if a woman responded favourably to you looking at her?

Whatmeworry Mon 01-Aug-11 16:46:46

Sounds like you're just not that into your current g/f. Of course the " right and proper" thing to do is end it but you won't be the first person ( male or female) to go out with one person while keeping an eye out.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Mon 01-Aug-11 16:47:57

If you're questioning whether you love your girlfriend, then I'd say you probably don't. That said, noticing other attractive people means bugger all. I am madly in love with my DH, but I'm not dead. I still notice other attractive men. I just wouldn't do anything about it. So, maybe that's the crux of it. Are you just noticing, or shopping about for a better model?

NeuroticMan Mon 01-Aug-11 16:49:57

If another woman came on to me, perhaps I'd chat, smile, etc, but I've never cheated on anyone in the past, so I wouldn't cheat.

Truth is, I think I can't love her, if I do seem to be having an eye out like this.

MadameOvary Mon 01-Aug-11 16:52:01

It's ok to notice other people - I like checking people out male and female, it's curiosity rather than lust. IMO though, if you unfavourably compare other women to your gf that's a bit of a warning sign

SingOut Mon 01-Aug-11 16:55:34

You seem to be subconsciously looking for us to all tell you that you don't love her, should therefore leave her and be single or with someone new. Does the thought of that fill you with relief and optimism or complete sadness and loss?
You'll just have to do some thought experiments to work out how you might feel if you go on as you are or is you break loose. When I have daydreamed as you do, I wasn't that fulfilled with a partner; when I'm really into them I notice attractive people in a much more passing and detached way, like a nice house or dress. But that's just me grin

A word of caution; first love is in a class of its own. Using a first relationship as a touchstone for what is normal in all others isn't so wise.

NeuroticMan Mon 01-Aug-11 16:56:04

I'm not comparing these women with my girlfriend, just sort of thinking "she's nice", but if I were head over heels in love with my girlfriend (*Chickens*), perhaps I wouldn't be doing this.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 01-Aug-11 16:56:13

You are welcome here and can ask almost everything.

I don't think there is anything wrong in noticing that a woman has a nice smile or lovely legs. I don't even think it is that important if you fleetingly imagine being with her. What the issue is if you continue to think of them long after you have walked away or resenting your girlfriend for not being them.

If you can see your future without her in it then it it time to walk away. JMO.

NeuroticMan Mon 01-Aug-11 16:57:39

Thanks, I've got to pop out, but I will come back to read your responses (not ducking out)

EvenLessNarkyPuffin Mon 01-Aug-11 16:59:40

People watching and noticing that someone is attractive don't mean that you 'can't love her'. If you are measuring your girlfriend against these women or then it's not a good sign, but noticing them doesn't mean that much.

BooyHoo Mon 01-Aug-11 17:00:26

of course this is the place. why is the opinion of women any less valid than the opinion of men posie?

OP i have felt like this in a relationship where i was unhappy so the only response i have for you is that you need to have a think about what the real issue is. it may be that you just dont love her or aren't into her but you wouldn't be asking this question if there wasn't an issue so you do need to find out how you feel. sorry if that isn't much help.

Bandwithering Mon 01-Aug-11 17:01:01

If you know yourself that you're always going to have an eye out elsewhere then you shouldn't be in a serious relationship. It's not fair to her.

I think you are entitled to ask this question though. why not? better than not asking and then making her jealous by not acknowledging that it's behaviour you shouldn't be 'subjecting' your girlfriend to. It' puts the gf in a bad position. Even if she's not the jealous type, she's got to react because it's disrespectful to her, it makes her question your commitment/attraction to her, it is humiliating if she knows the various people you're making eyes at.

babyhammock Mon 01-Aug-11 17:03:13

If you have to ask the question you're really just not that into her... simples.

When you're in love someone, you know it!

Bandwithering Mon 01-Aug-11 17:04:01

@evenlessnarky, yeah, I once had an x tell me that somewomanhehadhiseyeon was worth a hundred of me (shortly after he dumped me). I hadn't realised I was in competition with her, or anybody else. I didn't enter that competition! HE entered me into it. made me very upset at the time, but then years later, I realised it was him that wasn't worthy of me. Still though, upseting at the time.

garlicbutter Mon 01-Aug-11 17:07:40

I agree with those who've said it's perfectly normal but the fact that you're asking isn't! You seem to be questioning whether you love your girlfriend (or love her enough.) I don't think the answer to that lies in your interest in other women.

When you were so in love that you didn't look at anyone else for 3 years, were you quite a bit younger? I'd call that obsessive love, but I'm an old cynic. You can't expect things to stay like that, anyway.

How happy do you feel when you see your girlfriend walking towards you? Have you ever caught yourself thinking you don't actually like her all that much or that's she's boring, etc?

ChizChizChiz Mon 01-Aug-11 17:13:10

Are you looking at them and thinking 'she's nice' or is it 'she's nice, and now I come to think of it she's nicer than my girlfriend'? If it's the former, fine; the latter is much more of an issue.

You're in a relationship but that doesn't mean you are blind to attractive features in other people. A fleeting acknowledgement of a good pair of legs is not a problem, imo - it's human nature. And 'head over heels in love' is a bit of a silly concept anyway, I think - you fancy her, you get on, you respect her (I hope) - why do you need to be 'head over heels'?

But be honest with yourself, and her. If you are constantly comparing your gf with other women then that will make both of you deeply unhappy. There will always be someone better-looking, objectively-speaking at least.

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