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How do I fancy my husband?

(25 Posts)
Frog76 Mon 01-Aug-11 12:06:33

Genuine poster but have namechanged as I am embarassed.

My DH is a great dad to our 2 children, generally kind and loving and understanding. We get along well. He fancies me and wants to have sex, I don't want to have sex with him. He thinks it is because I have no sex drive post baby but that is not the case - I have plenty of drive and fantasies but don't fancy him, but I don't want to say so. I so so wish I could flip a switch and change this, any tips apart from getting wrecked which is the only way I can really face sex with him. I just don't find him physically attractive. I know I sound pathetic but has anyone else been through this and come out the other side fancying their DH again?

garlicbutter Mon 01-Aug-11 12:12:12

Well, yes, I've done it plenty. Busy, bogged-down couples forget to look one another in the eyes when they're talking, forget to really listen and respond, forget to notice the little things they used to really love about their partner. But what's the rest of your relationship like? Is he demanding sex, or reduced to annoying gropes, or anything equally off-putting? Are you still charging round the house at 10pm while he's on the sofa? More info please ...

argh555 Mon 01-Aug-11 13:58:06

Hi Frog - i am being sneaky looking at this at work so i need to be quick!

I have had the exact same problem with my husband and wasted many many years waiting for the 'switch' to be flipped. i have blamed and blamed myself but was basically trying to force myself to feel a way that i just didn't anymore. unfortunately we are now separated which is devastating to me as we have children together, however i had literally driven myself into the ground with it. i am sure there will be plenty of people who got the old feelings back so i am sorry to be a downer about it - i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and not to beat yourself up about it! Unfortunately i think the longer it goes on, the bigger the issue it becomes - so try and try all you can to change but if you can't, then you just can't. i started having these problems in my late 20's and have now separated at 35! a lot of sad years. as with you, my husband was lovely and this just added to my feelings of guilt - i was looking for a 'proper' reason to leave him when actually me being miserable for more than 5 years is reason enough!

garlicbutter Mon 01-Aug-11 14:12:23

Spot on, argh. Relationships are supposed to make you feel better about your life. When they stop doing that, and it's not just a blip, it's all over bar the talking really.

Frog76 Mon 01-Aug-11 15:35:28

garlic - we both work full time quite long hours in good jobs and have relatively good social lives (but not really together - mostly work/client related). He certainly doesn't force himself on me but has raised it recently and asked what he can do to get me more comfortable/interested. We have a baby who isn't a great sleeper which doesn't help - and I do get very tired - but he does his fair share of the early mornings and is wonderful with our 7 year old. I do more round the house but don't feel resentment. I need to tell him how I feel I think but I don't want to hurt him and of course I need to be prepared that he will want to move on and find someone who is physically attraced to him. He deserves better I think.

garlicbutter Mon 01-Aug-11 15:42:46

Ah, how sad for both of you. I bet he won't want to move on and find someone else - not for some consierable time, anyway. XH and I had jobs like yours; we did see each other quite often in the evenings, but not one-to-one. We introduced a weekly date night which took priority over all other invites except crucial ones.

That marriage was crap anyway, but the date night worked.

didldidi Mon 01-Aug-11 15:47:09

Did you ever fancy him? has he changed somehow over the years?

An0therName Mon 01-Aug-11 20:58:55

I do have a similar issue - so also namechanged
I agree one-to- one time what will make the difference -we had 24 hours on our own recetnly - and how old is your baby - it took me ages to get back to normal with DC1 - and with DC2 - still BF and he is not sleeping through -17 month and still not back to normal - also happy to fansitse
also massage and non sexual touching
I do wonder if there is someone else you are attracted to - that might not help either

Frog76 Tue 02-Aug-11 08:08:12

dildidi yes I did and have fancied him in the past - very much so. He hasn't changed much, bit of weight gain but that hasn't bothered me.

anothername - baby is 10m old. the thought of my DH giving me a massage makes me cringe - I know that sounds really mean and nasty but I just don't want him to touch me. And yes, you are right, there is someone else I am attracted to but I am trying to blot that out and concentrate on fixing things with DH because I feel I can't just give up on things - hence my post here.

I think the idea of some one on one time together is good though, I don't want to give up easily.

Anyway, thank you all for your thoughts. I know I am being crap. It is so hard to "try" to be physical with someone who you don't feel physically attracted to.

AngiesBox Tue 02-Aug-11 08:46:11

I can completely relate to how you are feeling. Right up until after my dd was born (now 2) my feelings for my husband seem to change very quickly. We've together for 6 years and although he can he be lazy around the house, he is caring and works very hard to provide for us. If I'm honest I really don't fancy him at all. I'm not even sure if I love him.

Like you, I do have fantasies but they are not the ones I imagined I'd be having before I gave birth. I'm not saying that I think I prefer women, but my feelings towards them have definitely grown, and are sometimes sexual. I'm not sure if this because of the amount of time I am spending with women. Except my husband, who I try and avoid, I really don't speak to any. Does this explain anything?

Whatmeworry Tue 02-Aug-11 08:46:14

A non sleeping baby is a complete passion killer, I'd see where you are in 6 months time before shagging this other bloke doing anything drastic. Try and schedule stuff so he helps you get more sleep, and do take time out to be a couple.

An0therName Tue 02-Aug-11 09:54:54

being crap would be shagging the other bloke - you know that would be a really bad idea
this is a probably a cliche but you sound quite down on yourself - is it all possible you are depressed - the reason I say this is that I know a few people - myself included - whose judgement around relationships went right off when I was/they were - it did not always have a good outcome - and in hindsight it would have been better to get the depression sorted and work on the relationship
Angie if you avoid your DH things will most likely get worse

AngiesBox Tue 02-Aug-11 10:55:42

im not going to tell anyone else what to do hear, but im pretty sure my relationship is dead. If it was just the sex, maybe i could live without it. I don't know about you, but i sleep in a different room and this allows me to indulge in my fantasies when I need to.

What i have discovered is that there are things I would like to try, and there is no way my relationship will work until I have done exactly that. What is there to lose... 25 years of crap marriage?

Kallista Tue 02-Aug-11 11:44:23

My mum left my dad for this reason when i just turned 22. But i knew from age 15 that the marriage was over - it was obvious to me.
Mum still feels guilty for leaving; & i know that as they are now good friends my dad doesn't like to admit to himself that the physical attraction had gone.
A male friend was told by his live-in ex GF that she no longer fancied him - at first it was awful but now he's happy with a new GF.
Finally my new neighbour stopped fancying her husband so divorced him.
Like my mum she feels guilty; but you can't stay with a man you don't find attractive.
You may end up cheating, resenting him & being mean to him to put him off you.

An0therName Tue 02-Aug-11 11:54:06

OK - but I have known a few people go through this:
my DH's mum went off with someone - kids were quite young - not good outcome for kids especially DSIL - and MIL's new partner turned out to be abusive and she now admits it was a big mistake - should have stuck it out
another relative went also off with someone - she isn't significantly happier - and way worse off financially-and it was quite tricky with the kids (older through) her ex is happier through - found a partner better suited to him
few friends have gone through liking somone else/going off their partners- both normally - had young children - they did stick it out/worked on relationship - now is all fine

AngiesBox Tue 02-Aug-11 12:00:33

The future is not ours to see! Anything can, just ask yourself if it's worth? You may have already done this, but pretend you have a headache, lock yourself in the spare room and indulge yourself! You'll feel relaxed and if you feel some guilt afterwards, stick it out! If your left wanting, you'll never be happy

Whatmeworry Tue 02-Aug-11 12:42:19

I think that any "fallen out of lurve" stuff when you have kids under 1 year old, or 2+ kids under 4 years old - especially if one/more is not sleeping - is more likely to be temporary and I'd stick it out.

Proudnscary Tue 02-Aug-11 22:36:06

Ok I'm going to go against the grain.

The grass ain't always greener. And what if you separate, find a new man, then go off him X years and more children later? Would everyone on here keep saying 'no, no of course you can't stay with someone you don't fancy/don't want to have sex with' and on and on?

If you had no kids I would say fair enough, leave.

But you do have kids.

My mother, and my stepmother, both left their marriages for similar reasons ie they were bored/unsatisfied and no longer were attracted to their husbands. The end of both marriages devastated myself and my sibling/step siblings. My mother now admits it wasn't worth it and the grass was NOT greener. My stepmum would admit it if she was being honest or if I was remotely close enough to her to talk about it.

Also I think being 'in love' is largely a load of bollocks.

Saying that I have been married 15 years and I am very happy - do I always fancy my dh? No. Sometimes not for months. But I always love him, have a laugh, respect him, love our time together as a family.Do I always want to have sex? Far from it! But we work at it, make the effort, date nights etc and in a warped way I am glad my mum and stepmum damaged my childhood because I know now I will never do that to my kids - not without extremely good reason anyway.

UnhappyLizzie Wed 03-Aug-11 06:47:46

My experience is that it will not come back once it's got to the repulsion stage, however much you want it to. I want to leave my husband, but he makes it impossible (lots of long boring posts elsewhere about this). I want some good sex and I'm wondering (again) if a discreet affair might be the way forward.

I've been faithful to my husband for 14 years, but we've had sex about a dozen times in the past three years and he repulses me. Your baby is small though, it might be different for you. What do you do? I'm 40 and not willing to resign myself to living like a nun.

Right, shoot me down people.

Whatmeworry Wed 03-Aug-11 07:15:48

Lizzie my pov is that young kids are one issue, where you are is another. I also suspect your situation is not that rare, and that a lot of affairs are outlets valves for this.

Proudnscary Wed 03-Aug-11 07:42:40

Lizzie, despite my post above yours, I would never shoot you down. I feel for you very much.
What is the rest of your relationship like though? Revulsion ain't good - but that usually comes with more than not fancying someone any more. Are you friends, do you have good times together, do you like his company... and crucuially do you respect him?
What I always say about marriage splits and children is that it's when the parents meet new partners that the children suffer (not always obviously but usually to some degree). They can feel confused, uncomfortable with facing their parents' sexuality at a young age, neglected, side lined and just that the rug has been whipped from under their feet living with a new stepparent in a new house etc etc.
Personally if I broke up with my dh I would not date, or at least introduce my kids to another man, for at least a year or two.

supergreenuk Wed 03-Aug-11 07:48:32

Love proudnscarys Post. I feel the same but really believe that it's just our stage in life. We have a small child and one on the way so there are so many things to focus on except eachother. It takes time and effort I'm sure of it. If your not spending time (real quality time) together like you used to then things are bound to Change. Relashionships are difficult and it's good to remember that you can't be head over heels loved up all the time. It's much deeper than that. Commitment to eachother is the most important and you will see through the tough times.

I am a big believer in hormones controlling things. I find during my monthly cycle for about 2 weeks I can't stand him anywhere near me and the other 2 weeks I didn't mind a cuddle. Understanding that smetimes takes the pressure off.

allhailtheaubergine Wed 03-Aug-11 08:02:29

19 months ago you loved him enough to plan to have a baby together.

Your baby is only 10 months old. Your hormones are still all over the place.

I think you are quite right to want to work on this rather than walk away. You owe it to your daughter. How would you feel about Relate?

UnhappyLizzie Wed 03-Aug-11 08:12:42

I agree that having a small child muddies the waters. It's not as straightforward as things having gone wrong without that.

Proudnscary, in answer to your questions, no, no, no and no. We have little to talk about except the kids. Thanks for your sympathy.

Not my thread though. My point was that if things go too far down the slippery slope it's really hard to get back. In retrospect, our relationship was going quietly down the tubes for ages. I saw it - and asked for counselling - he refused. Now it's fucked.

It's important not to put too much pressure on when there are small children around. Of course things change. But also this is a time when irreparable damage can be done to a marriage. It is important to face up to what is happening and try and do things about it before it becomes too late. Ringfencing some time away from the kids is a good start. My dh never wanted to do this, he kind of gave up on my when they were born.

Frog76 Wed 03-Aug-11 09:02:48

Just wanted to say thank you for the thoughts here. I need to collect my own . Will report back.

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