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What to say to dd about her father ?

(4 Posts)
piranhamorgana Mon 01-Aug-11 10:29:17

Dd is only 16 mo but I am starting to wonder what to tell her about her father as she grows up.

I have 4 older dc ( from 2 marriages) who dote on their baby sister.all amicable with xh's these days and with good ,regular contact.
Dd is already used to "Daddy's" - on the phone ,coming to collect her sibs,being talked about and in photo's etc.She goes to both xh's for hugs when they visit ,and at times has copied her sibs,saying "daddy" to them.

Xp,her father, was very abusive to me, and controlling of my dc.She was unplanned and he became violent when I was pg.I ended up in hospital with a threatened mc at 7m after he beat me saying he hoped I would lose the baby.(I posted lots on here,but didn't admit to that until recently)

He behaved so badly during her birth (having swept back in on a white charger at the last minute to make it all better hmm blush ) that the MW wanted to involve the police unless I promised to ban him from my house.Following a big scene,he left and has never since attempted to contact us .I contacted his Aunt at that time,only to be told that he had informed his grown up dc and g'dc that the baby wasn't his and that I was a crazy stalker.She asked me never to contact him or them again.

I and my dc used to fear bumping into him,or that he would turn up.But we no longer have the panic buttons on the door or phone and have begun to feel confident that we could ignore him in the street,even if he spoke to us,as we know the police would be able to arrest him for harassment if he ever approached us.
Womens' Aid and my solicitor have reassured me that if he ever wanted contact ,he would have to have a parenting assessment first,and that because of his police record (unknown to me at the time) he would be unlikely to be granted unsupervised contact without a psychiatric assessment. I do not believe he would ever agree to this.

But none of us know what we should say to dd if/when she asks about her daddy.I feel it is important that she grows up with an awareness that she can't remember having been told,iuswim? Just a simple understanding that her Dad could not be around.
But how do we do this when her sibs have very strong memories of times they spent with him,but which,ultimately ,have led to upsetting and fearful memories.
I feel guilty that I ever let him anywhere near my dc.But,as they say to me when I apologise (which I do,endlessly),dd wouldn't be here at all if not for him.And we are so grateful to have her.

DooinMeCleanin Mon 01-Aug-11 10:34:35

The truth but age appropriately. When she first asks something like "The man who helped Mammy make you wasn't very nice and tried to hurt us, so we don't see him. But don't worry, mammy loves you enough for two people"

I'd be wary about telling her anything but the truth incase someone else tells her later.

piranhamorgana Mon 01-Aug-11 13:52:43

Thanks,DMC.
That is the sort of thing I was thinking of.

I wouldn't dream of lying,or hiding the truth.
I guess the difficulty is for my older dc.He was someone they initially thought was great.Then we all realised he was scary and bad.We have photos of him and us having what we thought of at the time as happy times.Now our memories have been edited.

tb Mon 01-Aug-11 15:25:14

You could always say that he wasn't very well, and that his 'illness' made him unkind to people, so that's why you don't see him. If she later asked if he was better, you could always say that there isn't any medecine for his illness.

Try and be as low-key as you can. I know it's not easy. I blew it a bit when explaining to dd why we didn't see my 'd'm, her only grandparent, and it bit me in the bum a bit. ('d'gm was an abusive narcissist -just for starters)

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