Dd is only 16 mo but I am starting to wonder what to tell her about her father as she grows up.
I have 4 older dc ( from 2 marriages) who dote on their baby sister.all amicable with xh's these days and with good ,regular contact.
Dd is already used to "Daddy's" - on the phone ,coming to collect her sibs,being talked about and in photo's etc.She goes to both xh's for hugs when they visit ,and at times has copied her sibs,saying "daddy" to them.
Xp,her father, was very abusive to me, and controlling of my dc.She was unplanned and he became violent when I was pg.I ended up in hospital with a threatened mc at 7m after he beat me saying he hoped I would lose the baby.(I posted lots on here,but didn't admit to that until recently)
He behaved so badly during her birth (having swept back in on a white charger at the last minute to make it all better ) that the MW wanted to involve the police unless I promised to ban him from my house.Following a big scene,he left and has never since attempted to contact us .I contacted his Aunt at that time,only to be told that he had informed his grown up dc and g'dc that the baby wasn't his and that I was a crazy stalker.She asked me never to contact him or them again.
I and my dc used to fear bumping into him,or that he would turn up.But we no longer have the panic buttons on the door or phone and have begun to feel confident that we could ignore him in the street,even if he spoke to us,as we know the police would be able to arrest him for harassment if he ever approached us.
Womens' Aid and my solicitor have reassured me that if he ever wanted contact ,he would have to have a parenting assessment first,and that because of his police record (unknown to me at the time) he would be unlikely to be granted unsupervised contact without a psychiatric assessment. I do not believe he would ever agree to this.
But none of us know what we should say to dd if/when she asks about her daddy.I feel it is important that she grows up with an awareness that she can't remember having been told,iuswim? Just a simple understanding that her Dad could not be around.
But how do we do this when her sibs have very strong memories of times they spent with him,but which,ultimately ,have led to upsetting and fearful memories.
I feel guilty that I ever let him anywhere near my dc.But,as they say to me when I apologise (which I do,endlessly),dd wouldn't be here at all if not for him.And we are so grateful to have her.
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What to say to dd about her father ?
3 replies
piranhamorgana · 01/08/2011 10:29
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