My DP and I have been together for 5 years and had a number of miscarriages before I gave birth to a beautiful little girl in January. Ever since she was born we seem to be arguing constantly - I know this is the case for most new parents but with us I think it is more serious and that we have a fundamental difference of beliefs with how approach we parenting.
He thinks that ALL of the caring for our DD is my responsibility and has been known to say that this is now my "job" and that I am "on maternity leave afterall." He complains of being tired all of the time but I do all of the night feeding etc and nothing seems to be enough. I have suggested that he sleeps a couple of nights a week at his parents place to catch up (he won't) and I also go to my Mum's fairly regularly to give him a break. However, he seems to think that these visits are a holiday for me and is exasperated when I am still tired when I come back - I think he thought my 74 year old mother would be doing all of the night feeds...
He doesn't have a particularly demanding job in terms of hours etc and I think he has always resented the fact that I am the major breadwinner. He is trying to establish a new business but I feel he blames me for it not taking off in the way that he wants and the fact that he is a little out of his depth. He attributes all of this to tiredness yet won't do any of the things I have suggested (like sleeping at his parents) so that he could catch up.
He just seems angry with me all the time and cites examples of people he knows where the men do nothing and says that at least he "lets" me go to the gym a couple of times a week. He also cites a couple he knows who farm their baby out for days on end so that they can go off partying - I couldn't do this and suspect he doesn't want to party anyway (we never did before we had DD), it's just another stick to beat me with. His idea of childcare is taking DD out for a walk whihc mainly involves his taking her to the local cafe. He won't put her down for sleeps at home because he hates doing anything which might involve her crying.
After months of arguments - which always seem to end up with his making a character assassination of my many flaws he has buggared off for the night leaving me with the baby. She is v unsettled at the moment so I suspect that I am in for a very stressful night. All of the character assassination is also making me really lack confidence and I have explained this to him but as soon as he gets angry it all starts again.
I just don't know if I can carry on with this much longer. We argue in front of our dear little girl which breaks my heart. I have suggested we talk to someone which he has agreed to but mainly because he sees it as a chance to show me that I am wrong - his words. I can afford to run the flat on my own but can't afford to buy him out but he says he wants the flat. We haven't seriosuly discussed splitting up but this is what he has said in our many arguments.
My parents are divorced and I promised myself that I would never be a single parent yet I know that a hostile and resentful environment is a terrible start in life for a young baby and I am honestly starting to think that I would be better off alone. I do love him but I recognise that he is a very selfish man and was mildy annoying in a partner but is really more worrying in the context of a family. He does love DD dearly but doesn;t wnat any of the sheer hard work that goes with having a baby. Yesterday we went to his sisters for the day and I asked if he would change DD's nappy and he pointblank refused and when I broached this this morning he said in complete seriousness "but you're her Mother."
I feel isolated and as if I can't discuss this with anyone. I feel such a failure and I am sure that if I discussed this with my family it would worry and upset them plus my dearest stepdad has cancer and I don't want to give my Mum anything else to worry about. DP says that I have no right to any life for myself at the moment because DD is only 7 months old. It's not as if I want to go out gallivanting, I just would like him to put DD to bed occasionally or help me a bit more around the house.
I don't know what to do.
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Help - am on brink of being a single parent : (
Weasy · 31/07/2011 20:34
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