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Sex life is rubbish and frustrating

(30 Posts)
NotONmyPATCH Sun 31-Jul-11 20:19:58

Having tried a number of different hormone contraception and had horrible results with all, I've decided I'm not prepared to put that stuff in my body anymore so condoms is the only option. DP however hates them and says he can't maintain an erection with them. This seems to be true because as soon as he puts it on, it starts going down. I've told him I'll put it on and see if it makes a difference but he gets himself in that much of a flap that he forgets and does it himself (often completely ignoring me saying let me do it). This happens EVERYTIME now and it isn't helped when we go through foreplay, he puts it on, I'm all ready to go and it goes down and he then sits there and gives a running commentary on how they don't fit properly and what makes have we tried and which ones have been the best etc etc which just totally turns me off. if he just shut up maybe we could get back into it.
So last night he's all over me again, I really can't be arsed with the whole scenario so say I'm not in the mood, he puts the pressure on, I reluctantly agree, he puts the condom on and we start having sex. I'm not getting much from it because I can tell he isn't fully hard. He eventually pulls out and I attempt more foreplay on him before he starts chatting about "Look how its come off! could you feel it coming off? I think the durex ones were maybe a little better, which ones did you prefer? ......." in the end I just gave up. Totally turned off, frustrated and annoyed.

I keep telling him its fine but its realy starting to annoy me. I've told him the chatting and whinging turns me off but he does it every time. Sometimes he even stops during sex to start up conversation about how these ones feel better than the last ones and how it may stay up this time but if not we could always try the others blah blah blah.

Its such a turn off sad

buzzsore Sun 31-Jul-11 20:28:55

Is he trying to pressure you into going back onto other forms of contraception, do you think?

It sounds like he is, in that he knows you find him rattling on about the performance of the condom brand a turn-off, but continues to do it anyway = turning you off isn't undesirable to him. Which makes him a manipulative shit, frankly.

That aside, you could:
Suggest he gets the snip.
Try the femidom?
Consider the coil or diaphragm.
Give up PIV sex until he stfu.

floyjoy Sun 31-Jul-11 20:41:49

buzzsore may be onto something - manipulation maybe?
Go for the giving "up PIV sex until he stfu" - that might help if it's manipulation but also (more kind heartedly) would take off the pressure of his maintaining an erection whilst wearing the apparently terrible item. If he's genuine, then he should maybe try and do something about his psychological problem...

Whatmeworry Sun 31-Jul-11 20:42:05

Learn to put it on with your mouth....sorted grin

More seriously, condoms are a PITA in my opinion. Have you looked at any other options?

wileycoyote Sun 31-Jul-11 23:11:23

Why the hell would you use condoms in a long term relationship if you have an alternative? Get a coil - they are brilliant, or find something else that isn't the pill. I completely sympathise with your chap, I find condoms a complete passion killer.

floyjoy Sun 31-Jul-11 23:24:58

Yes, why should they use the only contraceptive that he has to 'use' (other than a vasectomy). Of course she should have a coil inserted into her body. It's his attitude and moaning about it that's the passion killer in the OP.

And what did he do at the start of a new sexual realtionship during a one-night stand? Did he not use condoms then? If so, she should be bloody using condoms with him. That passion-killer argument isn't a very healthy one.

Whatmeworry Mon 01-Aug-11 08:00:37

Flowjoy what is the problem with a coil or other inserted device?

glasscompletelybroken Mon 01-Aug-11 08:37:05

To be fair floyjoy, there's not any men who have trouble mainaining an erection in the passion of a one night stand or new relationship. I think you were being flippant re his "phsycological problem" but he could end up with one if he continues to have erection problems so if that matters to the OP then I would suggest a coil or similar.

I know it's a pain that it's generally the women who have to sort this but it is true that lots of men (and women) find they don't get the same feeling with condoms.

buzzsore Mon 01-Aug-11 12:35:13

Why is it her responsibility to deal with his erection problem? He should be the one thinking about ways of overcoming his mental block about it, rather than it being down to her to have an invasive form of contraception. hmm

If the person you claim to love has horrible side-effects with various forms of contraception, you ought to get over the mild inconvenience of putting a rubber on it.

SingOut Mon 01-Aug-11 12:48:56

"So last night he's all over me again, I really can't be arsed with the whole scenario so say I'm not in the mood, he puts the pressure on, I reluctantly agree" - this is the worrying bit from your post. If I had to guess, I'd say all his other behaviour in the bedroom, the talking/whining on, ignoring your efforts to try something different by putting it on yourself - are related to this attitude.
It sounds quite passive aggressive to me, like he is trying to grind you down (no pun intended!) until you give in and switch back to hormonal contraception, just in the same way he puts pressure on you to have sex in general.

Why not broach the idea of him having the snip? wink

glasscompletelybroken Mon 01-Aug-11 13:54:50

It's not her responsibility to deal with his erection problem but presumably it is not in her interests for it to get worse!

If she doesn't really want to have sex with him anymore that's fine as that's probably what will eventually happen if the present position continues!

If she does - and he does - then it's both of their problems and not a competition to see who is the most hard-done-by.

(if you'll pardon the pun...)

Mitsouko Mon 01-Aug-11 13:55:49

Goodness, he sounds awful, really. Not so much the irritation with condoms and all - most people prefer without so that's reasonable. But putting the pressure on you when you're not in the mood, and all the nasty, passive aggressive whinging. No wonder you're not feeling very attracted to him at the moment.

I had a horrible time with hormonal contraception (due to migraine mostly) and came off it for good about five years ago. Best decision ever! My mother had severe complications from an IUD, so was terrified of anything invasive as well. Didn't want to snip DH as we hoped for future kids. Fortunately my DH didn't mind condoms - we had used them for the first year of our relationship - so that was alright, though we both missed going without.

I was over the moon to discover the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) and used that for sucessful pregnancy prevention for 3 years before we started TTC. If you know your fertile time then you only need to use barrier methods of contraception for a third of your cycle, at most.

FAM is very different from the unreliable "Rhythm Method" that works only with a textbook 28 day cycle. You do have to take a few minutes to check and record your fertility signs (temperature plus cervical fluid and position) daily, but really - only a few minutes.

So if the problem is really just condom related, that may be a solution as you can abstain from intercourse (though not necessarily all varieties of pleasure) during your fertile time. But I'd suspect from his behaviour that there might be bigger issues at play here.

aliceliddell Mon 01-Aug-11 14:01:53

You could try joining in the conversation with a detailed description of vasectomy. That might focus his mind, not then, but later on. I suspect the condom talkmight stop if you did that every time he started.

Whatmeworry Mon 01-Aug-11 15:39:25

Agree with glasscompletelybroken....there is being "right", and there is getting the right outcome.

Where do you think you will wind up if you go down the current path? I would hazard a guess, but you wouldn't like it I'm afraid.

garlicbutter Mon 01-Aug-11 17:34:18

Oh dear, I keep hoping to post on a thread where I don't see a deeper issue that the one in the OP! This isn't it sad

Practically speaking, I'd say get a diaphragm (cap). But I agree he sounds alarmingly pushy and over-entitled. Sorry.

Gettingthere2 Mon 01-Aug-11 19:04:15

There is a fair bit on Net doctor on "condom problems" which suggests councilling. We have similar experiences but it does not stop him getting there in the end (excuse pun) Yes some condoms are better than others and we find that those that have a bit left on the roll ha ha at the end acts as a bit of a love ring which doesnt let the blood escape. Now enough info !!

PennyWarrender Mon 01-Aug-11 21:45:13

"I was over the moon to discover the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) and used that for sucessful pregnancy prevention for 3 years before we started TTC. If you know your fertile time then you only need to use barrier methods of contraception for a third of your cycle, at most."

Oh yeah . . . !! DH had the same problems as the OP, so I used the above method myself to cut down on the stress. Worked great for about 2 years till I got too pissed to work it out on night. On the upside, DC3 is wonderful and an incredible blessing.

[I hardly need to add - Namechange]

PS I don't think DH even thinks it was the condom issue at all. He mentioned something the other day which made me think he doesn't even remember. confused

confidence Mon 01-Aug-11 22:26:26

Floyjoy, Buzzsore etc - it's naive and misleading to reduce this to a simple question of will and male/female responsibility. Different men DO react very differently to condoms, and for some it is literally impossible to get a decent erection or maintain one with one on. It's not automatically reducible to attitude, beliefs, preferences or will power. The sort of advice you give may just result in the OP never getting decent sex again and eventually splitting up.

OP - three things. First, make sure that condom is being used with adequate lubrication - if necessary artificially. The putting-it-in-half-hard technique CAN work, and lead to it getting hard, but only if everything's going well and it's lubricated enough. The feeling of too-dry sex with a condom is a total turnoff, as I'm sure it is from the other side.

Secondly, as has been suggested, have you tried a coil? Don't presume that just because you don't take well to the pill, that you wouldn't to a coil either. These things are impossible to predict. My DW for example had a coil for years before we had kids, without a single problem - it sorted everything for us. After our kids were born she tried it again and it was terrible. You just don't know.

Thirdly - I don't know where you are at re kids, stage in relationship etc. If you've had your kids or definitely don't want to have any, then try to get him to consider the snip. It's the best thing I ever did as this entire issue just disappears forever. Sorted. smile

buzzsore Mon 01-Aug-11 22:46:24

Um, I'd suggested the coil, the diaphragm and the snip upthread in my first post, but thanks for your patronising tone hmm. Well done!

I'm just not keen on this attitude that she should take on all responsibility when he's not actually doing anything to help himself, and starts talking about things he knows turns his partner off during sex.

FabbyChic Mon 01-Aug-11 22:50:51

I'd have to say as a woman condoms are a total turn off, and I have never used them and never will, like having sex wearing wellies.

garlicbutter Tue 02-Aug-11 00:42:30

Umm, Fabby, I hope you would use them if you were with a new partner? I hate the things too, but I'd rather risk an anticlimactic shag than HIV.

Sorry for diversion, OP! "I'll never use a condom" puts me on my soapbox every time.


solidgoldbrass Tue 02-Aug-11 00:56:34

OK, do you think you and he are going to want more DC? If not, there is always sterilization. There is also the option of giving up PIV, which is not, after all, the only form of enjoyable ways to have an orgasm.
But it does sound a bit as though he is only interested in his own gratification and is therefore going to whine, fuss and be useless in bed until you let him have his own way, which is not really very good.

AmberLeaf Tue 02-Aug-11 01:10:49

Well IMHO all his waffling sounds like embarrassment at the issue.

People are saying why should contraception be all on the woman, ok then why should it all be on the man too?

Its not the OP that has to maintain an erection for sex to 'work' is it?

DariusVassell Tue 02-Aug-11 01:19:37

Is the sex the only problem here though, OP? Because, tbh, it doesn't sound as though you especially like this man, let alone anything else. It's also difficult to advise because you don't say how long you have been taking responsibility for the contraception in this relationship. If it's not long, deciding unilaterally that he will be responsible doesn't sound fair - as unfair as it would be if he decided that the responsibility was all yours. If on the other hand, you've been together for years and it has always been down to you to take pills, have injections/ coils and you want a break from all that, then either a vasectomy, condoms or non-penetrative sex seem to be your only options.

I can't help wonder though whether you want out of the relationship anyway and you are fixating on this issue, knowing that you have a stick to beat him with. Perhaps you need to ask yourself whether you would be this adamant about your "no hormone" stance if you were having great sex with someone you were crazy about?

PaigeTurner Tue 02-Aug-11 07:32:13

Could he experiment with the different brands er, on his own? Male friends have said practising a 'posh wank' ie with a condom on helps them get used to the sensation and therefore lessens wilting.

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