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Is it ever okay to be aggressively asked "are you thick" by a partner?

(69 Posts)
shocked2 Sun 31-Jul-11 17:48:46

In this case my "h". He is trying to get rid of clutter in the house - a longstanding issue between us as I am a hoarder to a certain extent and he hates it. He told me today that unless I get rid of certain things that need to be e-bayed he will put them out on the pavement. I do know where he is coming from as this is the thing that I have been putting off for literally months.
His tone is always angry and unkind in this situation though.

Just now he is on e-bay and he asked me aggressively what bike I wanted to get rid of. I didn't understand and thought he meant of mine so I said I did not want to get rid of mine (my dad recently brought it over from his house - it used to belong to my auntie and probably is too small for me but I don't want to get rid of it as yet). At this point he aggressively says "ARE YOU THICK?" and then I feel flustered and realise that he didn't mean my bike in general but the others - there are quite a few cluttering up the garden which belong / have belonged to the children a lot of which he purchased himself from e-bay etc... Eg he bought middle daughter two choppers and was going to use one to fix the other (the parts) but hasn't done this so they are languishing in our garden unuseable. So we have another small conversation where I am flustered and he is aggressive about which bikes to get rid of..... He also refers to one bike (an older one) as being "fucked".

Should add that we get on in a fairly civil manner during the week but weekends are always difficult. We do not live as a couple any more but more as co-parents. I find his negativity, short-temper and bullishness difficult. I don't talk to him about anything that really matters to me as it is impossible. We never kiss or hug or say nice things to each other. He doesn't like my clutter and lack of housekeeping skills. We also have lots of issues surrounding money.

He can be more relaxed but in general we are not on an equal footing - he is 12 years older than me which is part of it.

Anyway, my main question was whether the question "are you thick?" is every okay because it made me feel like crying sad.

GypsyMoth Sun 31-Jul-11 17:51:27

Er no, none of that is ok. None

crispyseaweed Sun 31-Jul-11 17:53:24

He is rude... stand up to him and make him apoligize..
He is a lout and a thug, and insensitive.

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Jul-11 17:53:38

To me, if someone says this, they are also saying they have no respect for you.

Do you have to live with him?

What is it that stops you getting rid of things? You say the bike from your aunt is probably too small - have you ridden it? Where is it kept? If it is too small, would you find it difficult to sell it? Do you feel safer having a lot of stuff around?

want2sleep Sun 31-Jul-11 17:55:02

Oh he isn't very nice! He is very short tempered with you...and it looks like it has been a long time too. GarlicButter might be along soon as she knows how to respond.

Could you work weekends so your paths don't cross...or have you considered knocking the relationship on the head as you sound so unhappy which is very very natural response considering what you said (((HUGS)))

tawrag Sun 31-Jul-11 17:55:29

No, it is not OK to talk to someone like that. It sounds bad-tempered and mean.

shocked2 Sun 31-Jul-11 17:56:47

Yes I do have to live with him because dc are 5, 7 and 9.

I do feel better with things around me I think. OR the thought of going through the whole de-cluttering process is so daunting that I don't know where to start. Dh hates it and I don't blame him for this as the house is messy. I find it very difficult to get rid of things which have memories attached to them. You are right about the bike from my aunt ImperialBlether...

Tortington Sun 31-Jul-11 17:57:01

i suppose it depends on how it hurts you

if dh did this, which is quite possible - i would tell him to go fuck himself. i would literally say GO FUCK YOURSELF ARSEHOLE

shocked2 Sun 31-Jul-11 17:58:43

Yes he definitely has a short tempered / mean side to him. Working weekends would be good grin but then I wouldn't be able to do any weekend activities with the kids like going to the park or the swimming pool. I definitely prefer the week where I have contact with other adults - dh really seems to need people (other than the dc whom he adores) much less than I do...

Tortington Sun 31-Jul-11 17:58:46

my mil is a hoarder and to some extent this has rubbed of on dh. their house is a mess her loft is full of shit she hasn't seen in 40 years. its all about insecurity on a psychological level. i mean who needs a bike they can't use from an aunty?

get rid.

shocked2 Sun 31-Jul-11 17:59:29

I hear you custardo but would you and your dh then recover from this and be able to carry on relating? Would it be said more as a joke?

shocked2 Sun 31-Jul-11 18:00:37

Yes I agree about the bike and a lot of other stuff. I don't know why I don't get on and do it. The constant negative talk from dh and not knowing what sarcastic horrible thing he is going to say next (especially at the weekends) doesn't help though.

ZZZenAgain Sun 31-Jul-11 18:03:09

I think weekends are more tense because he is in the house longer and the cluttered feel of it drives him bananas and if it isn't at his level of tidiness/cleanliness , it probably isn't pleasant for him.

There are worse things than aggressively asking "are you thick?" tbh. It isn't fantastic but it isn't an issue worth crying over IMO. More fundamentally what is going to be done, if you are a hoarder and he is not? This is going to be a long term problem so think about that. If you don't live as acouple, just co-parents, maybe some communal areas are clear and the hoarded stuff (not sure how to put that, just mean the things you don't need atm but don't want to get rid of) are in your own areas. Is that possible?

tawrag Sun 31-Jul-11 18:04:29

I wonder if his attitude is making you a bit depressed? That would explain why you can't get on with stuff.

Ripeberry Sun 31-Jul-11 18:04:47

Has he always been like this, or is he under stress at work? I personally can't stand 'ditherers' and your post makes you sound unsure of what you are doing and you are waiting for hims to sort things out and maybe that is why he is getting so angry.

You need to be more 'pro-active' in doing things and hoarding can drive other people to distraction. My mum was a hoarder and we are still sorting out the mess in the house months later sad

shocked2 Sun 31-Jul-11 18:06:06

Yes I want to get rid of clothes / toys etc.... I think part of the reason I don't is because dh always uses my untidiness (he is not god's gift to tidiness by the way but does have less stuff than me) as the excuse for the problems between us. If I really tidy up and he carries on being negative, critical, short tempered etc.... where do I go from there?

want2sleep Sun 31-Jul-11 18:07:59

ummm forgot you had dc when replied. Counselling? Is he possibly mildly Aspergers...not liking company...?literal can't takes jokes...just a thought?

Tortington Sun 31-Jul-11 18:09:49

you are doing something that is fucking doing his head in. its a bike for fucks sake just a bike. bin it.

now im not excusing his attutude but we have your side of the story and tbh i think passive aggressive non commital is as harmful to a relationship as shouting etc.

yes dh or i could say something violently mean - and i would or he would..say it back - its how we function, but i am not you - i can tell dh to get fucked - but if i am unreasonable i will apologise as will he.

dh once had a jacket - a leather 80's jacket, it cost a fortune back in 1987 and was the height of fashion. in about 2005 i wanted to bin it - i asked musnet and everything - mumsnet had a vote on it and this soft mumnset soft as shit shites said that as he was fond of it whats the harm? and we stuck by that decision. it had a paint stain on it and was unwearable - and eventually after nagging - he did chuck it - he only kept it becuase it cost £100 in 1987 or something.

you are doing things that are pissing him off - maybe you should try a bit if you want him to.

shocked2 Sun 31-Jul-11 18:09:53

Yes I am a ditherer with regards to stuff ripeberry, and it does drive him mad.... But I do agree tawrag that his attitude makes me depressed and then I feel apathetic.... We used to get on better but we have always had ups and downs and he has always been difficult. He seems to have become more intolerant and negative with age.... He is 54, I am 42.

Yes I really don't want to be the person who leaves loads of things around which other people might have to sort out. It's not terrible terrible, but it's definitely not pristine!

Ripeberry Sun 31-Jul-11 18:10:40

Well if he still moans after you clean up, then there is a problem with HIM, not you!

Katisha Sun 31-Jul-11 18:11:20

"If I really tidy up and he carries on being negative, critical, short tempered etc.... where do I go from there?"

Well you have to find out I think. You can't use hoarding as a way of burying your head in the sand.

I live with a bit of a hoarder and it causes a lot of friction I can tell you. our environments have a big effect on our feelings and behaviour I think.

GypsyMoth Sun 31-Jul-11 18:14:21

You say you are only living together to 'co parent'..... Why stay with him?

shocked2 Sun 31-Jul-11 18:14:40

Thing is, we all have faults, and in an atmosphere of love anything can be sorted out. He would never apologise about anything, and as a consequence I don't either. His general attitude is that he is right. Yes I am passive aggressive but he is aggressive aggressive. He spends every night working on the laptop with the TV on - this is not a partnership which we are both in together, but I am in a way the "employee" who does not function as he would like me to.

Maryz Sun 31-Jul-11 18:15:34

I tend to agree with Custardo. It isn't ok for him to speak to you like this, but in return it isn't ok for you to force him to live in a tip. He is trying to get rid of some of the clutter, he really can't understand why you won't help, or at least not hinder his efforts.

Do you both spend all weekend trying to clear the decks and get rid of the mess? Because that isn't a nice way to live.

I also agree that it is a sign on depression, that inability to make simple decisions. Can you take a deep breath and let him get rid of some stuff, and see whether actually living in a clearer environment might help your mood?

I sympathise with you, but having at one stage of my life lived with a hoarder, I sympathise with him as well.

shocked2 Sun 31-Jul-11 18:17:03

Sorry missed some posts - yes agree that I am burying my head in the sand. It's true that I will then have my answer if he carries on being this way. Somehow I sink into despondency and don't do it though.

Thought of separating is terrifying and I suppose there is always the hope that with a house that functions better we may get on better. Agree about our environment having a big effect on us.

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