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Please talk sense to me about this ridiculous crush

(17 Posts)
spidergrey Fri 29-Jul-11 20:23:49

Briefly, I have been happily married for 18 years. However, the last five years have been sexless due to illness (on my husband's part). There is a lot of cuddling, hand-holding and kissing, but that's it. He's not really capable of much more, and to be honest, for me, foreplay was always something to be got out of the way before the real business began. Therefore, no issues, and we still have a very loving and respectful relationship.

I love my husband, I really do, so I can't understand where this crush has come from unless its connected to the above-mentioned sex situation. I think about the object of my crush (henceforth oomc) constantly from the minute I wake up, and have to consciously keep myself busy to distract myself. I only see oomc once a week in the company of my husband at the moment, but this is likely to dwindle to even less. I have known him for roughly ten years, and always liked him, but nothing like this. Oomc is not aware of how I feel, and i would never do anything to disrupt his marriage or mine. The thought of betraying my husband makes me feel sick - nevertheless, I can't stop thinking about this man.

I feel really sad and pathetic, I lecture myself to grow up all the time, but it seems I'm not listening! I know there are no magic answers, I'm just hoping someone can either talk sense to me or maybe share their own experiences of how they rode out inappropriate feelings for someone else. sad

spidergrey Fri 29-Jul-11 23:07:37

Please anybody? Know its trivial compared to what lots of people go through, but any wise words would be much appreciated.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Fri 29-Jul-11 23:10:55

IMO crushes are only a problem if you act on them. Don't beat yourself up about it it has nothing to do do with how much you live your dh.

squeakytoy Fri 29-Jul-11 23:11:13

I can pretty much guarantee that this will fade away and you will probably wonder what on earth you thought attractive...

I have often had secret crushes on blokes.. never acted on them.

buzzsore Fri 29-Jul-11 23:15:42

Start nitpicking the other bloke (only in your mind, of course) - pick an unattractive trait he has and work it up into a massive turn-off? grin

Allinabinbag Fri 29-Jul-11 23:18:32

I would enjoy it while it lasts (or at least don't feel guilty)- it'll wear off, crushes always do.

uninspired Fri 29-Jul-11 23:19:26

Not uncommon to get (often strange / surprising) crushes on someone.

It will pass with time

spidergrey Fri 29-Jul-11 23:27:51

Thanks for helpful words, particularly like nitpicking idea! smile. When people talk about emotional affairs, is a crush what they mean?

Allinabinbag Fri 29-Jul-11 23:37:00

I am no expert, but I think an EA would be spending a lot of time with the person, effectively having an affair but without having sex (e.g. chatting, texting). If you are admiring this man from afar, then it's not an EA, it's a crush. I don't think you can snap out of crushes, but I do think you can place limits on how much you indulge it a little bit, just so it doesn't start to interfere with reality.

zippy539 Fri 29-Jul-11 23:39:42

spider - I think an emotional affair is when you actually have an intimate emotional relationship with someone (an affair except without the sex).

I'd ride it out, keep it to yourself, employ the nit-picking technique and where that fails enjoy the good bits in your mind and, if you want your relationship with your husband to continue, then concentrate on augmenting what you have together - with or without sex. Is the sex thing more of an issue than you have led yourself to believe? Is it worth trying to get some help with it or is that impossible due to your DH's illness?

spidergrey Fri 29-Jul-11 23:57:27

Ok, thanks. Glad I dont seem to be having an EA, that would make me feel even worse,

Zippy - think the sex issue might be all tied up with my age (peri-menopausal) and raging hormones, so will hopefully pass. Right up till couple of months ago, I was totally happy with the way things were. I often told dh it didn't matter at all that sex wasnt possible, and I really meant it. No point getting help, DH virtually immobile.

Thank you so much everyone for all comments, very reassuring.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Sat 30-Jul-11 04:08:51

Oh spider love, you have been worrying about this haven't you.

spidergrey Sat 30-Jul-11 14:18:05

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn (so do I!) - I have a bit because my husband is such a brave man who has had such an unfair deal out of life, and I truly love him. I can't understand where these really strong feelings for another man have come from, and i hate myself for such disloyalty. But I do feel better for having had some wise and kind answers!

I also read some more posts in the relationships topic last night (relatively new to MN) and I'm so saddened by some of the things some women have to go through, makes me feel selfish for complaining about my situation, and in awe of these women who come through such dire relationships.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond.

maybeungrateful Sat 30-Jul-11 14:58:01

Can't really offer much advice, except to say that the intensity does pass.

I could have written your post (bar certain details) and am happily married, but also experienced a similar crush on someone. I couldnt rationalise it to myself, as the funny thing was, he wasn't even my type/or the type I go for. It was worse during and after I would pass by him, but after a long period of not really bumping into him much, I can easily say that the intensity has passed.

I too would never act on anything as my DH is too important to me, but it was definitely a strange phenomenon to me.

Given time, I know it will ease for you too. Chin up!

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Sat 30-Jul-11 19:34:56

I like to think of it as real proof of just how much your dh means to you, we are animals and attraction is something you cannot inflence, but you can decide whether to act or not.

And so you should post about how you are feeling.

honeyandsalt Sat 30-Jul-11 22:51:26

S'probably biological more than anything. To be honest if I couldn't have sex with my partner, I'd understand if he developed a crush. But so long as you don't act on it there's really no foul play, you clearly love your husband.

You know there are some very discreet, um, intimate massagers available (google it), maybe you and your DH could experiment? blush

uninspired Sat 30-Jul-11 23:01:30

Actually the hormones thing is pretty relevant. I go slightly crazy when I'm ovulating and fancy anyone and everyone, so it could be your brain's way of trying to activate your body so to speak.

I really like what LoveBeing has said about you choosing not to act on it.

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