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Need out - SAHM - am I stuck?

(5 Posts)
escaperoute Fri 29-Jul-11 15:41:04

This is long and probably rather dull but I need some outside advice.

Met DH when I was 17, he was my boss, he was engaged to his pregnant fiancée when our relationship started, she found out, dumped him and stopped any access to their child. Within months I was pregnant, he was an arse, left me on the floor crippled with SPD whilst he drove 2 hours each way for a fucking football match and it all went down hill from there.

He's in the forces and for the past 3 years we've seen him on the weekend for a day or two if we're lucky, he was in one country and we were here. During this time we had two more DC, I became more and more depressed (wasn't until DC3 arrived that I managed to pull myself out of this depression and have some semblance of a life of my own now). He's continued living the life he lived before the DC, but still I don't let him play football enough, don't give him enough wanks/sex/blow jobs (arsehole), but of course he doesn't hit me or do drugs so he should be congratulated on his fabulousness hmm.

There are so many examples of his immature, selfish behaviour that I don't know where to start... when I was pregnant with DC2 he went out for a drink with the lads, said he'd be home at 11pm (last train) and rolled in at 1pm the next day, I was worried sick and rang him, he hung up on me and turned his phone off, I was furious and made it clear that it was unacceptable, yet 6 months later he did it again. I kicked him out but eventually let him back in later that day when he sat outside the house whining. When DC3 was born, he'd been in Iraq for the entire pregnancy, he said he wouldn't play football as I'd need some support, within a week he was moaning like a child and told me I was controlling him by not letting him play. All trivial little stuff but there is so much more.

I've got a life now, I'm a volunteer, have friends, am no longer depressed and feeling much stronger but he's bringing me down. I'm not faultless in all this mess, I've become less loving towards him in the past 3 years and I do moan about his football playing, the lack of time he spends with the DC and me. Two weeks ago I had a chest infection and was unwell in bed and he buggered off to football, taking our eldest and leaving me the kids for the entire day (because a 90 min match takes 8 hours apparently).

As I've got older I've realised that actually he's not much of a man, I'm his 2nd wife, kids with 3 different women, he only sees ours but pays CSA for the others and has FB contact with the kids from his 1st marriage, nothing wrong with being married twice but it ended in cheating, as did his engagement and I'm not stupid, I know I'm no different to them. Have no idea if he has cheated on me but my gut instinct has kicked in ATM and something tells me he's up to something, he's working later and later and he had something that looked a lot like a love bite on his neck today [classy]. There's quite a large age gap BTW.

Anyway I'll try and wrap this up. I want out, it all looks lovely from the outside, he now works here, still in the forces and home every night but I've little respect for him, we argue constantly and he belittles all my feelings. I've asked him to leave about 10x in the past 3 years but he tells me he'll get full custody and I have to leave the house (private rented in our both our names). I know it's all BS and not a court on Earth would give him full custody but I don't want to leave, he's made it clear he won't let me take the DC and I have nowhere to go.

I'm worried about money, I gave up my career to SAH and am now pretty unemployable at least until the youngest starts school, I've done the benefits calculator which is reassuring but I'm not sure it's right. I know he'll kick off if I actually get him out of the house and make everything as hard as possible.

Feel like such an idiot, why did I ever get involved with a man like that <punches 17yo self in face> sad feel stuck and incredibly stupid.

itsnotpossibleisit Fri 29-Jul-11 15:56:26

First of all you are not stupid at all. I have just separated and after moving out, he would not move out, I realised how controlling he was with me in all aspects of my life. At this point in my life I really believe when people says "love is blind". I always thought it was so stupid that sentence grin

I am in the same situation. Gave up my job after my maternity leave ended and probably it was the ebiggest mistake of my life although I have enjoyed looking after DD all this time. I did manage to find a house to rent where the landlord accepted benefits and to be honest even though the financial situation is difficult and I am going through a difficult time in my live I would not change it at all. I do not have anyone complaining because the dishes are not done when he is back from work, or complaining about what is on the table for dinner when he arrives from work. I do not have to listen any more that because I DO NOT WORK I have to do everything in the house and also look after DD.

So to sum up I am better alone than with him. I cannot tell you what to do but you should consider if you want to live the rest of your life how you are doing it now and if the answer is no do something about it. Sometimes is better to leave and keep your energies for fighting better wars if you know what I mean.

Hope this helps

bitsnbobs Fri 29-Jul-11 16:37:01

Its never to late to get out. Try and put some money aside so you can save up for a deposit. I am a LP and have enough money to get by and its a hundred times better than putting up with an arse of a partner. I now feel in control of my life for the first time after being with my ex for 14 yrs (I was 18 when we got together).

SingOut Fri 29-Jul-11 16:43:50

You're not stuck, I took out a small loan jointly with XP to cover the cost of my deposit etc, though I have all the repayments solely. Talk to CAB if need be, but don't despair - you can and will get out.

havealittlefaithbaby Mon 01-Aug-11 20:49:33

Clearly he is a very affable chap when you first meet him (got enough history to prove that). Maybe you were naive when you were 17 (but weren't we all?!). You've tried to stick it out bit clearly he isn't willing to try.
I agree, gear yourself up to leave, save money up, get advice on your rights. I reckon.he won't leave because he doesn't really think yore serious, effectively he's calling your bluff. Leave him when you have enough to ensure you can stay away!

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