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Did I f*ck up my marriage from the start?

(59 Posts)
helpmecometoterms Fri 29-Jul-11 15:08:04

I am going to be as honest as possible here and I am quite nervous about it actually.

H and I are splittingsad. We have been together for 9 years and have dc. We met and married very quickly, think months rather than years and for the first year or two were totally happy and in love. We had a dc around 18 months after we met up until the point of me being around 8 months pregnant I felt we couldn't have been happier.

When I was 8 months pregnant, he disappeared one day, went to work, didn't ring and didn't come home that night. He appeared the next day saying he had been at his parents (he was later that night but there was a whole afternoon and evening unaccounted for). A glitch I thought, but he did the same thing again the following weekend, I found out years later that had been the beginning of his first affair and from that point on things went completely downhill. He started drinking heavily, would disappear with his friends for days at a time, was being a total knob about money, I had left my job by then (temp though well paid, so no Mat Leave), wouldnt open a joint bank account etc. For the first few months that ds was here he would "take me" shopping each week, buy all the food etc, never quibbled about cost to be fair but would then spend the rest on himself. I literally had not a penny in my pocket. The benders carried on. He did nothing to help out, no housework ever, he was at work, all childcare and cleaning was my job.

Anyway moving on to years later, we sorted the money thing out, only in so much that he would give me an allowance each week that was approx one third of his wages, the rest he kept for himself. He would often disappear for days at a time, but it was never ok for me to go out and so on, blah, blah, blah. No option for me to get a job, childcare costs would wipe out my wages. Life was pretty much hell tbh. During this time I would find phone numbers and messages to other women on his phone, I found out he had been with prostitutes, he would spend all his money on going out and other women. In the end after months and months of despair I threw him out, he was awful about it, became physically violent towards me and I called the police and had him taken away. He has not lived here since then.

Now here is the rub. He is telling me that the whole breakdown of our marriage is MY fault. He says this because I kept in touch with a couple of old boyfriends (via email, and rarely). He says that because I met up with an ex boyfriend for a drink when H and I had been seeing each other for 2 DAYS that I showed how untrustworthy I was at that point and he should have left me then. My old job was a very male dominated environment and so yes, a lot of my old friends are men. I did have the occasional drunken snog with some of them as well. I have some of them as friends on Facebook and he has hacked my account and knows this. He says that he treated me the way he did because deep down he KNEW I was not trustworthy and was chasing old boyfriends around so he never took our marriage seriously and so had lots of affairs etc.

I feel like complete crap over this. There is no closure for me. I was treated horribly (I feel) but he honestly believes it was all my own fault. Please dont tell me to just forget it he is my ex etc, because I cant. I just cannot make sense of it all. Did I create this situation, did my marriage fail because of my "obsession" with exes? I certainly didnt feel obsessed but did like keeping sporadic contact with them because they were my friends much more than exes. Should I just have dumped all these people as soon as I got married? Please be honest with me because I feel really sick at the thought that it is me who is actually responsible for my treatment. Surely he could have left me and not treated me like this? Did I cause this. Please help me see clearly. I cant think about anything else. I am so sad.

gragface Fri 29-Jul-11 15:13:53

Sounds awful and tbh from what I gather it sounds like it failed because you didn't talk to each other. In any situation its hardly ever completely one sided. Hope someone much wiser than me can give you some good advice on how to move on.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 29-Jul-11 15:13:58

He's a nasty piece of work and you should be glad to be shot of him. You did not cause the breakdown of your marriage.

cjel Fri 29-Jul-11 15:16:11

My heart aches for your sadness. From your post I don't see how he could blame you for everything. I certainly don't think your behaviour should have led to his appalling treatment of you, I can see how he is now using his insecurities to make excuses. Perhaps he did feel insecure about your other mates or how you were with them. But I wouldn't say that anything you've said justifies your long term mistreatment. I would want to say to you that it is OK for you to be greiving the end of this relationship and that is normal to feel crap and sad. Please don't put any blame on yourself. Just greive an be sad and try to look to the future, to maybe even being with someone who won't have his problems and will enjoy the fact that you have friends.

helpmecometoterms Fri 29-Jul-11 15:22:42

gragface we talked, we talked all the time, but mostly it was me talking, trying to understand, trying to change myself so that he would want to not keep disappearing for days at a time on benders.

The thing with my "friends" was I never saw any of them. It was an email a couple of times a year, if that. I never went out with any of my old friends, I never did anything except be with our ds, if I did go out it was with him or family members of his.

Thanks for your replies, it does help, a bit.

worldgonecrazy Fri 29-Jul-11 15:27:51

Your hubby is a really nasty piece of work who is looking for any way to shift the blame for his nastiness to somebody else. It is perfectly reasonable to keep in touch with old friends when married, even old flames. It is his insecurities that have caused the problems, not yours. You are well rid of him.

It is also normal to grieve for relationships that have failed, so allow yourself time and space to heal.

oldwomaninashoe Fri 29-Jul-11 15:28:01

He's full of sh*t and trying to pick up on something to justify his bad behaviour.
Did he bring up the matter of your "ex's" at the time and have an issue with it then?

I hate to say it but , from experience often couples who get together quickly, and are "involved" very quickley often split due to infidelity.

Even if he had stayed with you he would not have remained faithfull to you it is not in his genes. I am sorry you are hurting but I think he has the 90% share of the blame in the breakdown of your relationship.

Just reassure yourself that you have had a lucky escape.

moonferret Fri 29-Jul-11 15:28:44

He's got a point, but really..what a LAD! You wouldn't think he'd need prostitutes with a wife and girlfriends..that alone seems odd!

Proudnscary Fri 29-Jul-11 15:30:48

Of course it's not your fault!

If he was really so concerned about the FB friends, why didn't he address it with you then or end the relationship rather than fuck loads of other women after you got married and had children?

Who wants to admit to themselves they're a drunken, unfaithful, violent, selfish fuck up? Much, much easier to blame it on you, on some flimsy shit from years ago.

Look, you were no angel - I'm fairly black and white and prudish about infidelity and I don't think 'drunken snogs' (euphemistic term - it's as if it's not your fault as you were pissed and 'snog' = fun and silly kiss rather than anything sexual) are acceptable.

But come on, this guy put you through hell. Please try and see that and have the strength to ignore this bullshit.

Xales Fri 29-Jul-11 15:30:58

It is a pitiful excuse he is using to justify being a nasty wanker.

If it wasn't this it would be because you cooked roast chicken on the first Sunday you met instead of roast beef or that you wore a pair of yellow socks once.

You don't need closure on this. There is nothing for you to have closure over.

You simply need to come to terms with the fact that you were unfortunate enough to chose a financially abusive cheating wanker for a husband.

HedleyLamarr Fri 29-Jul-11 15:31:04

Just a quick question. <Dons Columbo mac> Did you know about his affairs at the time, or was it only recently you found out?
Last one, honest. Did your "obsession" with ex-boyfriends mean you shagged any of them while with your "D"H?, who sounds delightful by the way.

superv1xen Fri 29-Jul-11 15:31:29

I hate to say it but , from experience often couples who get together quickly, and are "involved" very quickley often split due to infidelity

interesting oldwoman can i ask why you think that? (sorry for thread hijack)

HedleyLamarr Fri 29-Jul-11 15:33:32

For the record, It isn't your fault. That was the point I was trying to make, but failed miserably. blush

helpmecometoterms Fri 29-Jul-11 15:37:40

"he has got a point", can you explain further moonferret? In what way did he have a point? I personally had no issue with him still being friends with a couple of girls who he had had flings with.

If you think his behaviour was odd, trying being married to the man who was doing it.

He did bring up my friendships with my exes and I phased them out, stopped accepting calls, didnt respond to emails etc. I only picked them up again after finding about a number of one night stands that he had had. I didn't see why I should lose all my old friends for someone who was shagging about on me.

"Even if he had stayed with you he would not have remained faithfull to you it is not in his genes". I almost hope this is true because if not my occasonal email contact with old mates has messed up my dc's life and ruined their chances of being brought up in a home with BOTH of their parents.

helpmecometoterms Fri 29-Jul-11 15:38:51

the "drunken snogs" took place about 5 years before I ever met him btw. I was never unfaithful while we were together.

headfairy Fri 29-Jul-11 15:39:53

op, were these drunken snogs with your work colleagues before your relationship with your xh or after? I thought reading your op that they were before...

If it was then I think your xh was utterly cruel and horrible. To be honest even if it was after his behaviour was inexcusable. Two wrongs don't make a right, but sometimes it's understandable when people who've been hurt go out and do something silly. But not serial unfaithfulness.

And don't even get me started on sleeping with prostitutes. Do you know if he used protection because if he didn't then it doesn't matter what (or if) you did, putting you at risk of an STI is unforgiveable.

Taking your post at face value, I would say you didn't cause his unfaithfulness, therefore you can't be held responsible for the failure of your marriage.

Do you know what his previous relationship history was? Why did he split up with previous girlfriends? Has he been unfaithful before? It sounds to me like you were unfortunate enough to fall in love with a serial adulterer.

AnnieLobeseder Fri 29-Jul-11 15:40:03

So you made him sleep with prostitutes? You made him treat you like shit? You made him not help you to care for his children? You made him withold money from you?

No you did not. He did those things on his own.

If he felt he couldn't trust you, he should have ended the relationship. Trying to use the excuse that he acted like a complete wanker because he was insecure is about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

The breakdown of your relationship is not you fault in any way, please don't listen to you ex.

Just be pleased you're shot of him and enjoy the rest of your life!

helpmecometoterms Fri 29-Jul-11 15:40:23

Never looked at another man in fact, I was totally besotted with him for at least the first five years, hence me putting up with the being unfaithful etc.

headfairy Fri 29-Jul-11 15:41:20

ooh, sorry, xpost. so you had drunken snogs before he met you and he used that as an excuse for his unfaithfulness. He's a total bastard who's trying to divert attention away from his own appalling behaviour. You are not responsible for your break up. FFS, did he expect you to be a virgin? What a total wanker!

helpmecometoterms Fri 29-Jul-11 15:41:33

He hadn't really had a long term girlfriend before tbh. He told me that he had been seeing prostitutes since he was about 18. I didn't know that until relatively recently.

xkittyx Fri 29-Jul-11 15:41:40

Not your fault at all! He's a nasty, horrible piece of work and trying to put the blame for his extensive character flaws onto you is just the final kicker.You've been appallingly treated by an emotionally abusive man. Incidently, progressing relationships at lightning speed is one of the red flags of such men.

xkittyx Fri 29-Jul-11 15:42:51

And no he most certainly doesn't "have a point". What a dreadful thing to say under the circumstances.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 29-Jul-11 15:43:21

Yes he did treat you horribly. No it was not your fault.

All his treatment of you was about having power over you (the money thing is a dead giveaway). You eventually threw him out, so he could no longer enjoy being in control of you. This made him angry, his toy had been taken away from him. He turns his anger on you, who took it (yourself) away. He tries to punish you as much as he can, by telling you it's your own fault. This also allows him not to take responsibility for his own behaviour (in his own head, not the eyes of others). He is childish and cruel and you and your DC are well shot of him.

helpmecometoterms Fri 29-Jul-11 15:44:23

He says he used protection but I never really believed him and would not sleep with him again until he got checked out. He never bothered to do that either, just expected me to believe him when he said he was "fine". He confessed that he had been using them while we trying for a dc as well. I didn't know about it at that point. He says he didn't realise that he could catch something that might hurt me or our dc.

BalloonSlayer Fri 29-Jul-11 15:45:07

Of course it's not your fault.

He never said anything at the time, did he?

All that's happened is that he's finally realised that he has fucked up his whole marriage with his repulsive behaviour. However, his ego cannot allow him to see himself as the bad guy. So, in his head, it HAS to be your fault.

That this is the best he can come up with speaks volumes.

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