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Would this ring alarm bells (post affairs) or am I just being over sensitive?

(17 Posts)
boarwoods Fri 29-Jul-11 13:46:33

Dh had a couple of affairs in the past, I found out about them at the same time. Are now trying to work through etc. I didn't want to know the details at the time, and still don't really.

My concern now is that this week I've noticed dh looking at women, not discreetly, but will actually break off conversations to look them up and down. Also there was a situation where a woman thought he was alone in a public place (we had to sit separately) and they were having a horrible flirtatious chat, until he noticed that I had noticed and my discomfort, then stopped.

I feel so bad that I can kind of see how the affairs might have happened or started off, if that makes sense. I'm not some green eyed monster, or possessive, I never have been. But I felt very uncomfortable about the above.

Renaissance227 Fri 29-Jul-11 14:12:53

So would I. If that happened to me I don't think I could/would put up with any of the above, so would probably have to give an ultimatum or leave him.
Sorry and good luck!

Sarsaparilllla Fri 29-Jul-11 14:19:01

Have you pulled him up about these things? What was his reaction? Even if he hadn't had previous affairs I think both those things are very inappropriate

solidgoldbrass Fri 29-Jul-11 14:31:25

Hmm. It does rather sound as though this is a man who feels entitled to do what he wants WRT pursuing women for sex. As to 'working through' the aftermath of the affairs, is he sorry? Is he making an effort to show you that you are the one he is committed to? Or is it a case of oh dear, won't do it again darling, now shut up about it?

ImperialBlether Fri 29-Jul-11 14:51:27

He sounds really seedy.

Look, you found out he'd been unfaithful. You've noticed he looks women up and down (ugh) and flirts until you notice him.

Do you really think you've been told the truth about the affairs? Do you really think he won't do it again?

Sorry to be so harsh. My ex was a repeat offender. But when you see him for who he truly is and what you see isn't good, then it's time to let him go.

ShoutyHamster Fri 29-Jul-11 15:11:56

One phrase stands out here

'a couple of affairs'

Not an affair. Not a 'mistake' (cough). Not something that happened once, regretted, at a low point in your relationship blah blah. All cliches and all in no way an excuse for betrayal, but still - one affair, you could conceivably work through and forgive.

But a bloke that has affairs plural?

Bin!

oldwomaninashoe Fri 29-Jul-11 15:33:13

Sorry he has a habit he can't, and doesn't want to break.

Think very hard about what you want out of life, and your marriage and realise he isn't ever going to change , he gets off on "the chase" too much!

knitknack Fri 29-Jul-11 15:36:21

urgh, this man has no respect for you at ALL! I'm so angry for you - he should either be killing himself trying to make up for his infidelity, and I mean REALLY trying, or he shouldn't get to be married to you... Can you get some counselling to really think through what you feel you deserve from a marriage (I don't want to make assumptions about you but I know that if I were in this situation my chronically awful self-esteem would mean that I wouldn't really be sure if this behaviour was unreasonable or not - and if that's the case, trust me (us) it isn't!)

Good luck, it's horrible that you're in this situation (that he's put you in this situation)

boarwoods Fri 29-Jul-11 16:00:38

I did challenge him about the looking at women, after he'd done it for the third time, they were all similar in wearing very short skirts. He said that he looks at everybody and everything (men included) and doesn't think about what or whom. But those were the only occasions I noticed, and I watched him carefully after the first. he became angry that I suggested it and wanted me to apologise.

I haven't challenged him about the woman he was flirting with. Though he knows something is wrong as I've barely spoken to him since. There''s not much point as I guess he'll say I misinterpreted it and it was friendliness, I can hear it now..
It wasn't the woman's fault though really, she thought he was alone (I was sat opposite, but looked separate). He ended the conversation by talking to dc, the woman looked embarrassed when she realised.

I just felt insulted, and small. I know the situation isn't right. The woman are all a decade or more younger than me too. Thank you, I did wonder if I was being paranoid.

Well, he says he was ill and depressed at the time of the affairs. I don't accept it as an excuse, and have struggled, still struggling, to overcome betrayal and trust and other issues in the aftermath.

boarwoods Fri 29-Jul-11 16:04:37

Yes, that's it Knitknack, it's probably my lack of self esteem (now) that has made me ask here in the first place.

garlicbutter Fri 29-Jul-11 16:11:04

Mine did that. I'm now aware he was doing it on purpose to keep me in my place, as it were.

I'm very sorry it's happening to you. Don't blame yourself - this being DONE TO YOU.

HerHissyness Fri 29-Jul-11 16:18:28

ditto garlic, mine was the same....

solidgoldbrass Fri 29-Jul-11 23:00:55

He's not sorry at all, then, and he's going to have more affairs, at least partly because of the effect his affairs have on you. Every time he thinks your level of subservience is slipping, you haven't cooked the right dinner or warmed his slippers or laughed at his jokes or whatever, he will start trying to sniff up other women's skirts again and blatantly. This is not a nice man, certainly not one who is bothered about your feelings.

PhilipJFry Fri 29-Jul-11 23:06:20

If he's doing it when you're right there then he must be doing it when he's alone and the opportunity to do more than look and flirt is present. I'm really sorry OP, but he's not changed his ways at all. You deserve so much more.

HerHissyness Sat 30-Jul-11 09:35:36

I agree with sgb as usual.

This guy has zero respect for women in general. to openly ogle them, and in your presence, chat them up right under your nose? it's not just you he disrespects.

You might be working to get through this, he's only been working through this to get himself off the hook. Going through the motions just so you eventually have no space left to discuss it anymore. He'll end up shouting, Are you STILL going on about that? when you question his trustworthiness.

All he is working towards is the time when you stop talking about his betrayal of you, and let him get on with life as it was before. If you work through this, to him, there are no consequences. He's not learning from this, he's not improved himself, modified his behaviour. To him it'll all blow over in time, after all, to him, you are still there on call; cooking, cleaning, washing his pants, and no doubt shagging.

changeforthebetter Sat 30-Jul-11 09:39:54

Ugh! What a worm. Regardless of affairs, it is pretty disrespectful. Of course, we are sexual beings and notice attractive members of the opposite sex but those of us with any humanity at all, do this discreetly. He is parading his leering admiration of other women in front of you precisely to make you feel bad. Not nice. Bin. That way!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do smile

buzzsore Sat 30-Jul-11 10:07:30

I'm afraid it doesn't look good. It sounds like he expects you to put up with any amount of infidelity and poor treatment, and has no respect for you or women generally - I mean, he had no compunction in flirting openly in front of you (hurting you/making you feel small) and then making it obvious he was with you & the kids to the recipient of his attentions (making her embarrassed/complicit in your humiliation). He doesn't give a shit.

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