Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

tit for tat?

(10 Posts)
takemeawayfromhere Fri 29-Jul-11 11:19:30

I'm still suffering from finding out about H's affair 9 months ago and my thoughts remain 'all over the place' and I struggle to vocalise events and how I feel so please bare with me. My thoughts and feelings switch so often throughout the days, almost by the minute.. I still cannot fathom how he could do such a thing and find myself shaking my head in disbelief, the next minute it hits me hard and i feel so overwhelmed by it all. I have lurked and read through so many posts on here so find it reassuring (but so sad) that i am not the only one who has felt/is feeling this way and i don't need to be shipped off to the looney bin - just yet.

So many things have been said and done since I found out that I could write a 300 page book about it so i won't put it all here, not that it would make much sense I don't think, all the details have been cut up into jigsaw pieces and just seem to float around my head. I think I know the true meaning of headf***ked now and can't imagine this feeling will ever go away sad

ok, i'll try to get to the point of my post. I had a friend on facebook, we used to 'hang around' in the same crowd about 15 years ago, I had a crush on him and vice versa but nothing ever came of it but a little snog once. He added me on facebook and after the initial 'hey how are you, what have you been up to?' kind of messages, we never really contacted each other again (I wouldn't out of respect to my H, always felt almost guilty talking to other men -pah!) a couple of months after 'd-day' he must have read through my profile and messaged me asking why i'd changed my status to single and we got chatting. I explained my situation, we reminisced and he told me how he'd always regretted making me the 'one that got away'. We messaged back and forth for a little while, then he give me his number to text him and I did, so the messages continued that way and got quite flirty at times. I explained that I had no intention of leading him on because it couldn't lead to anything (albeit H doing what he did, I couldn't do the same while we were still 'together') and my friend told me he understood, didn't think i was leading him on and we were just friends having a little flirty fun. For the following month - almost exactly - I didn't shed a tear! I would look forward to hearing from my old friend and thought about him quite a bit and felt almost calmer within myself because I had had a little time to be distracted from all the hurt and could think about my situation more clearly, so I sat my H down...

We had a long talk, I explained my thoughts and feelings now I felt a bit more clear-headed and how I didn't think we were going to work because I can't forgive or forget, despite loving him to the ends of earth, I couldn't get over what he had done and put me through. It was the first time I didn't cry while talking about it. I told him we were over. He couldn't quite believe it but over the next couple of days I think it dawned on him that I meant what I said and he'd blown it. He cried and pleaded for me to give him the chance to prove that he was sorry and had changed etc. I hated it, seeing him like that ruined me and I agreed that we'd try again but he had to make damn well sure that he tried harder...

I text my friend, told him I couldn't text him anymore, my H was going to try 100% and so must I, so no more flirty texting to distract me, he was fine with it and wished me well. Fast forward a couple of months, despite H really trying and showing so much improvement in his character and affection towards me I still get some very down days, where I cry inconsolably and think the only way to stop this feeling is to disappear off the face of the earth (I wouldn't do anything silly for the sake of my children - doesn't stop me wishing I could though) H tries to be there for me but there's not much he can say/do because I know that I need to try and sort my own head out, no-one can do it for me, but sometimes it feels like it's just swallowing me up.

Ok, (I'm so sincerely sorry for such a long post..just need to get it out) A couple of days ago I txt my friend a random joke (there have been a couple sent and returned but just jokes, no chit chat) and he txt back, asking if I was still thinking about him 'in the flirty friend' sense, how it was going with the H and he (my friend) is such a dick, I told him honestly.. yes I always would, I love my H and we;re still working through it and why did he think he was a dick (and if he was drunk texting me) he said no because if he was drunk i'd get his true feelings but I don't want the same so he doesn't want to put it on me. What do I do? I enjoy the flirty txts because it takes my mind away from my horrible situation and I know I enjoy the flattery in my times of woe and I haven't cried again in the last couple of days sinse he text me. I don't want to lead him on (I thought we understood each other as we both said quite plainly at the start) but I enjoy hearing from him.

I've waffled quite a bit here (sorry) and I don't really know what I want people to tell me. Does it sound like i'm doing the 'tit for tat' thing? I think I just need to read people's views on the situation so I know where to go from here? I dunno :S Thankyou (and well done lol) for reading through it though, I do appreciate it x

ImperialBlether Fri 29-Jul-11 12:48:10

I know exactly how you feel about your partner's affair. It's like a body blow, isn't it?

How long was his affair going on for? Does he see anything of the woman now (eg at work)?

When you decided to stay with your husband, was your reason? Love? Pity? Your children?

Did you kick him out at all over the affair? Did the children know about it?

Sorry to ask so many questions - it's hard to give advice without a full picture.

PhilipJFry Fri 29-Jul-11 13:04:17

From what you've said it doesn't seem as if you're doing it as a way to get back at your husband, but more to escape from the (very painful) situation that you're dealing with. You're taking solace from this man and his attention to escape from the hurt of the affair. Flirting with him is probably comforting and uncomplicated, whereas the situation with your DH is much more complex and painful.

takemeawayfromhere Fri 29-Jul-11 13:22:07

Hi Imperial, well she is his work colleague (grr) they started msging as friends over facebook a couple of years ago (but I wasn't aware of her) it started off as work talk ( I know, I found the msg's) but through that time there were a couple of comments made by him that put me in a negative light and untrue... this hurts so much sad Anyway the msg's progressed to flirting and so on... then he started going for jogs with his work mate (!!) no alarm bells rung, I trusted him implicitly. He never told me his facebook password and I never asked, silly mare that I am just assumed he didn't want me 'fraping' him cos we liked to jokingly wind each other up sigh There was a night out and secret meetings when he told me he was doing overtime then he would come home and play with our children and give me a hug.. it makes me sick! I think the physical side of things lasted about 3 months before I found out, but who knows how long he's felt emotionally attached to that skank (who also has a husband and children)

Over the last 9 months, I have pleaded with H to leave there and find another job, he knows that my stomach is in knots everyday he goes to work and might see her (they're in different areas of the same building so he rarely sees her, or so I've been told) My pleas fell on deaf ears, which was a big motivator for sitting him down that night. He's since promised to leave there asap and I know he's actively looking for a new job now.

In the beginning I tried to throw him out but he wasn't having any of it, he wanted to stay and 'fight' for us. Then my breakdowns got to much for him and he wanted to go... but has nowhere to go, and I begged him to stay. We we had our 'chat' I told him we could stay in the house, living amicably until we finished the major DIY jobs then I would have the house valued and we'd see where we'd go from there.. what a mess. Now, as things stand he's staying, I want him to stay, and as far as I know he WANTS to stay and it's not because he feels trapped and has no-one to turn to (which was a big issue in the beginning)

I want us to work because I love him with all my heart, he was my childhood sweetheart and we've been through so much together.. how is it possible to feel so much love and hate towards a person at the same time. What a cruel person he turned out to be sad

takemeawayfromhere Sat 30-Jul-11 23:52:57

having a 'meltdown moment' he's visited a family member tonight and told me all about their woes, genuinely feel for them (as I do about their situation) but what about me? He has compassion, just failing to show any for me. I feel so selfish but it consumes me sad

Aislingorla Sun 31-Jul-11 09:26:22

Are you attending couples' councilling?
There's a lot to resolve here, but from what you say I think it is salvagable.
You need to get 'clarity of' mind'.
Have you spoken to a friend? (best one you knows and likes you both)

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 31-Jul-11 21:00:36

What is your OH doing to help you recover? Did you both ever talk about the affair, what happened, why etc. Have you done any counselling? Read any books?

I think the flirtation shows that you both still have issues to resolve and also you may be using the other man as a way of helping your pain and boosting your self esteem. Most affairs are about how you are feeling about yourself...

takemeawayfromhere Mon 01-Aug-11 00:28:38

Aislingorla..how do I go about getting 'clarity of mind'?? I haven't known my arse from my elbow for quite a while now and still can't make myself 'see straight' My head is full of thoughts when I try to focus I just go blank, how daft is that?! sad I have spoken to friends and as much as they would like to, they just don't know what to say for the best, no-one I know has gone through this themselves and 4/5 i've sought after for advice have come back with 'we're here for you whichever way it goes but no-one can tell you what to do'. Which is so true but I wish, just this once, that I had a fairy god mother to come wave her magic wand and make it all go away. I don't bring it up anymore, I'm afraid of pushing people away, i'm no fun to be around and i'm positive they don't want me droning on about it anymore than I already have. I don't know if friends/family think i'm over it now because nobody asks either, it's sort of been swept under the rug I suppose :S

Madabout..My H, hmm, well he sometimes leaves me little 'love you' notes in the morning, hugs me, randomly kisses me (which is very alien to me, he's never been so affectionate - we've had arguements over the years about how he only ever showed me affection when he wanted his 'wicked way') I Don't push him away, I accept it because it's all I've wanted all along but it feels so false to me now. We don't talk about it, I sometimes snipe out load (I do this constantly in my head during any conversation with him no matter what the subject.. He can say the simplest of things and I can turn it to relate to something he had said/done around the time of the affair) I'm so sad and bitter sad He doesn't ask me how i'm feeling or what i'm thinking, it's probably because he already knows the answer but it upsets me that he doesn't ask anyway. I've told him during one of the many 'conversations' that I want to talk about the whole thing constantly, I want to ask questions repeatedly, whereas, he simply doesn't. I did mention couples counselling once, he half-heartedly agreed but never mentioned it again, I don't think he would be willing to go really, he can't talk about it with me, nevermind a complete stranger. (As I'm writing this, i'm imagining him going into work and talking to 'her' getting everything off his chest and laying his emotions bare to her, I don't know why, maybe because I still can't trust him as far as I could throw him? I hate admitting that I don't trust him, I never doubted him for a second before I found out about it all. blah sad

Charbon Mon 01-Aug-11 01:24:47

There's your answer then, OP.

Your H wouldn't move out to give you some space, didn't make any efforts to change jobs, won't discuss the affair that you feel has ruined your life and your personality, won't go to counselling and never broaches the subject that haunts your every waking moment.

It's not in the least bit surprising then that you are feeling this way. The contact with the old friend has been your way of getting back in touch with the woman you feel you used to be. I'm sure you've missed that woman a great deal and wonder whether she will ever come back.

She might, but only if you realise that it is never too late to set some conditions on remaining in your marriage - and making no promises even then, that you will stay.

End the contact with the friend, because it's not fair on him and it's blurring the picture. Do this kindly and thank him for his support at such a terrible time in your life.

Get some counselling for you and you alone. This will give you space and time to consider your options and revisit the subject that you long to discuss, but feel no-one can listen to and understand.

Tell your H that you are very doubtful right now that you will ever be able to get past this, so you are going to invest in some self-healing to allow you to cope, whatever decisions you make. Assert your right to get that woman back and tell your H he can either support you in this, or carry on as he has been doing, hoping it will all blow over. If he asks you for specific ways he can help you, tell him what you need. Write down everything that in your judgement he could do to help e.g. changing jobs, volunteering to talk about the affair and why it happened, get his own therapy, read some books.

Recognise above all that you cannot go on as you are. You have been hoping for changed behaviour in him that has not been forthcoming. You now realise that all you can do is to change yourself and hope he catches up with you.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 01-Aug-11 08:22:24

Good post - I agree you need counselling. It may help if you could write down everything you are feeling/thinking - this is what I did during the early days post affair discovery as I was all muddled up and couldn't think straight.

My H has been great about answering questions, talking etc even though he hates these conversations. You H needs to understand that in order for your marriage to heal and move on from the affair, good communication is essential.

Remember its actions that you are looking for in order to rebuild trust...not just words and you need to explain to your H what actions you are looking for from him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now