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really didnt think he would but H has been cheating

(88 Posts)
imawigglyworm Thu 28-Jul-11 21:08:37

found out today that H has been cheating on me for a few weeks/months. We have had lots of problems in our relationship lately him having a high sex drive where ive been the oppisite, not being helpful around the house/diy/ looking after kids -one being SN etc.

The other night we thought maybe a break would be a good idea as weve been going in circles to sort things. He came home today to see the kids and I had a quick nose on his phone (I know its wrong but something was pushing me to) anyway found texts to and from a male work mate saying things like I really miss your smile, cuddles and kisses etc and I love you, your my rock etc.
When I confronted him I he initaly said its a work mate being funny but then admitted it. He meets this slapper in mornings before work for sex and has been for a while now.

I feel sick at the thought of it, I hate him so much but hes adamant he wants to sort things out between us and for the kids too.

I dont see how I could trust him and I cant stop thinking of 'them'.

Is there ever a chance of getting round something like this? Just dont know what to do.

bechegna Thu 28-Jul-11 21:11:38

walk away! you will never trust him again. sorry to be blunt.

IRCL Thu 28-Jul-11 21:17:13

Walk away, you deserve more.

If you hadn’t of found out do you really think he would come clean and tell you he wanted you to work it out?

I doubt it.

Sorry he has done this to you. sad

confidence Thu 28-Jul-11 22:12:57

Sorry I'm confused. Are the "male work mate" and the "slapper" the same person? Is your husband having a gay affair?

In which case, regardless of the trust issue (which is of course huge), isn't his sexuality a factor in your future together anyway?

Bogeyface Thu 28-Jul-11 22:13:04

I wouldnt normally advocate the "leave him" option until you are happy that you have exhausted all the possibilities of counselling etc to try and sort it out if you both want to.

However, you say it is a male work mate, so it is a gay relationship? That is obviously a side of himself that he has always kept from you (and maybe himself) and now it is out in the open. I dont think that I could trust again after something like that. You cant be expected to try an make a marriage work if your H is hankering after a homosexual relationship.

anothermum92 Thu 28-Jul-11 22:19:05

Message withdrawn

Aislingorla Thu 28-Jul-11 22:24:00

his thread is a bit confusing(at the mo.) but please ignore the 'walk away' advice (for the moment anyway), it could be salvagable.

sayithowitis Thu 28-Jul-11 22:35:51

Only you can really know whether there is a chance to get through this as a couple. There are quite a few people on MN who have done so and, they say, their relationships are the stronger for it. There are others where it seems that for any number of reasons, it was impossible. Foe me, personally, it would be the end of my marriage. Trust and respect for each other are extremely important to me. If My DH had done to me what your is doing to you, I would never trust him again and it would show me that he had no respect for me. By doing what he has, he has put your health at risk and even if he said he used a condom, could you really trust him to tell you the truth? And although I would probably be able to forgive him, eventually, I know that sometimes my 'wonderful' memory is in fact a curse, and I would never be able to forget the hurt and betrayal. I would also forever have images in my head of the pair of them together that would stop me from moving past it. So, as much as I love him, I would have to walk away for the sake of my own sanity.

You may be different, but only you know.

Aislingorla Thu 28-Jul-11 23:02:29

I used to think I would never forgive my DH if he had an affair untill it happened!
We are (2years on) happier and stronger now.
However, we still don't know the full details of the OP's situation,so it is too early to say 'stay' or 'go'.

matthew2002smum Fri 29-Jul-11 01:19:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

matthew2002smum Fri 29-Jul-11 01:20:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicbutter Fri 29-Jul-11 01:27:08

Wiggly, have you ever correlated your low sex drive with the fact of H's lack of input around the house & kids? It's pretty damn hard to fancy a man who treats you like a skivvy, not to mention your tiredness from doing everything.

So you've been asking him to take his share of looking after his home and his DCs, and he's responded by getting sex elsewhere? To date, then, he's getting home, hearth & family provided by you and shags provided by Ms Thing. It's quite okay for him, then ...

I don't like your husband very much. To recover from an affair you need total honesty and respect, from which you build an entirely new marriage together. In your case, I can't help feeling you'd be better off clearing the decks for an entirely new life without him.

But I'll leave you to gentler advice, if that's what you want.
Good luck, and don't "settle for".

FreudianSlipper Fri 29-Jul-11 01:33:25

you need to come to terms with what has happened before making any decision and you need space to do that

some people have a fling and that is all it is to them its not right but it is nothing more than that to them others have real affairs where it is not just about sex, from you post it does not sound like this was an affair. either way it is down to you what do you want and if that is to work things out then you both have to work at it, him at building trust and you at letting yourself be happy with him again. it does not have to be decided now or tomorrow or anytime soon but you will know in time what you want to do

want2sleep Fri 29-Jul-11 01:42:07

What do you want?

I know it isnt easy with a child with SNs and other dc on your own but this is what it has been for you anyhow as he hasnt been their!.... I am 100% happy on my own with ds who has autism...I didnt take ex back after he had met someone off internet when I was pregnant. I am so glad I stuck to my guns. Child with or without SNs wont be happy if you are not happy they feel it...get some space if you can make him mind the kids do the house work baths cooking and get away for weekend to family or will remove you from the situation to think about what you want for you and your dc now. If he does truly love you he will be faithful and wait for a few months whilst you decide. For me there is no return...ex then split from his internet wife after me and is in and out of relationships as often as the number 18 bus!
My experience...get out!

crestico Fri 29-Jul-11 07:53:23

so let me get this right...

he has a high sex drive
you have a low sex drive
he's been asking for more sex for a long time
that only excuse I can see from your posts for the lack of physical intimacy is that he doesn't help around the house as much as you think he should. did you actually tell him this was why? because i'll tell you this for free, if he wanted sex he'd do anything you asked.
either way he's not helped more, but he was still requesting sex
you seperated because of this issue
he moved out (?)
and you're surprised that he's getting some sex from somewhere else??!?!?!

it's not cool what's happened or how... but seriously ... just because you don't want to have sex, does not mean he should be expected to stop having sex too. He's obviously shown you how important this is to him, and you've (both) not done whatever was needed in order to fix your problems. This kind of looks like a communication issue, not a sexual one.

.....but how can you be surprised this has happened, and even more so, given that you separated and he moved out, how can you really be mad at him. It was pretty obvious this was going to happen eventually if you didn't start being more physical.

I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, but equally I'm having a hard time sayig he's done anything 'wrong' ~in the purest sense of the word. I feel sorry for the way you found out, but please take a step back and think about this rationally....... it was bound to happen.

If you want to fix this, you have to let this go and focus on how to get that spark back with him. I suggest counselling. Inidividually and jointly.

Good luck.

Aislingorla Fri 29-Jul-11 08:27:50

Good, honest post crest.

Velvetunderground Fri 29-Jul-11 08:43:33

I disagree with crest post.

It is not the OP fault to not want sex more, its her right to say she does not want sex when she does not feel like it.

The husband could have watched porn and wanked off he did not have to cheat on her.

They should have gone to counciling when things started going wrong.

Not all men would have sleeped with someone else so its wasn't bound to happen.

OP it is up to you if you think he is worth trying again. Try to see him as a person not just your husband or father to your children. Sometimes it is possible to get in a rut and forget that we are seprate indiviuals. If you want to try again take it back to basics with dating, counciling, start communcating with each other and more important listening to what each of you want out of each other and your futrue.

Good luck with what ever you deside.

Landedgentry Fri 29-Jul-11 08:52:14

And I think it's a rubbish post angry

FFS, the OP's H only moved out "the other night", but you say he can't be blamed for having sex with someone else for the "last few weeks/months"? shock

And you're advocating trading sex for chores in his own house and help with his own children, on the premise that the offer of sex would have made him "do anything the OP asked"?

That ridiculous post might as well have said "you asked for this" and it completely overlooks the fact that our OP has been deceived for a long time, by someone who has been failing to pull his weight for longer still.

It certainly isn't the OP who will have to "let this go and work to get that spark back" - her H needs to walk over hot coals to convince his wife that he can and will change.

crestico Fri 29-Jul-11 08:57:46

Stop me if I'm wrong, but he was asking to be physically intimate with his wife, not for orgasms, not primal sex, not simple 'release'. And I really feel the need to stress that sex and maturbation are not the same thing. Granted they sometimes achieve the same results, but I think that's a stupid point to make.

Additionally, if he had started using porn, there's every chance that (sod's law) she'd be here making a post about how her husband watches porn and she feels like it's cheating and that he should be 'happy with what he gets' on her terms. A guy might say just as well that : well if she was a good wife and didn't want sex there's plenty of other things she could have done for him.... but there's no point going down that road. Again - this is a communication problem, not a sexual one.

Any way you look at this, it's neither of their faults for having the sex drive that they have, but they've been quite upfront with eachother that he needs it and is not getting it, and this has been a (contributing) factor to him moving out. He needed to be physically intimate. She wasn't providing it. Nobody was wrong, it just was what it was.

He wanted sex with his wife, and there was miscommunication between them as to why it wasn't happening. As I said before, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

I agree they should have gone to counselling, it could have helped them talk their problems out, but they decided that him moving out would be best.

So take it from that point.
A man who wants sex with his wife is basically told "no, go live somewhere else" - and regardless of what 'some men' might do - everyone has needs.

This was bound to happen at some point - a marriage without sex (or a hell of a lot of cuddles and petting to make up for it) is not a marriage. It's living with a lodger.

I really don't see why we should be beating on the guy here. Neither of them have done anything particularly wrong, and they were seperated. The only way I'd say she's right being so angry is if they specifically said this was a RACHEL break (friends hehe) i.e. no other people. If you don't have that discussion, again.... communication problem... not sexual

I really think you need to go into personal and couples therapy if you want to fix this. But I'll be blunt ... if you don't want to have sex with him, and you don't think this is going to change, you're just going to have the same issues for the rest of your lives, and you're better off making a fresh start now.

Good luck

MumblingRagDoll Fri 29-Jul-11 09:03:49

crestico your post belongs in 1955. No woman needs an "excuse" to not have sex!! People like you make me seethe!

There are no "conjugal rights" anymore. Sex in a relationship will dry up if there is no communication....and yet you think telling a man to help more in the house will work if he is desperate enough? hmm

crestico Fri 29-Jul-11 09:04:32

also, quite a controversial thing now:
if this has been going on for a VERY long time... i.e. they were dancing around the idea of him moving out, and their sex life has been poor for years.... he probably even though he was doing the right thing by getting it elsewhere, so he could enjoy married life with his wife.

It's crazy and messed up and oh-so-wrong, but I think it speaks volumes that he's only been using this 'slapper' for sex, and not a full-blown affair (as you said) - and that he still wants to work things out with you.

I can imagine there's a pretty huge caveat here from his point though -- I want to work things out with you if you start having sex with me. Crazy I know, a man expecting to have nuptuals with his wife?! Throw tomatoes and boo at me if you want, but this 'expectation' (which has horrible negative connotations) isn't really that far wide of the mark is it? I mean, if we're being completely honest with ourselves, unless you were a-sexual you need some level of intimacy.

Look.... I am overlooking the timescales and the deceipt, because again .... I beliven this has been going on for a long time, and it was bound to happen sooner or later. It sucks. But it was inevitable. I'm so sorry for you.

Landedgentry Fri 29-Jul-11 09:05:57

Look, read the OP again.

This man has been having a secret affair for weeks/months.

He only moved out the other night.

Do you seriously think that deceiving your wife for weeks/months, telling her untold lies throughout, risking her sexual health in the process, is not wrong - and a reasonable response to their problems?

MumblingRagDoll Fri 29-Jul-11 09:06:10

It wasn't "bound to happen" at all crestico Some men can manage without sex if their partner has gone off it....they can manage this beause they're not animals love. They dont need to go and shag a stranger....they can wait. Or help their partner in other ways. God help you crestico if this is what you know of men.

imawigglyworm Fri 29-Jul-11 09:09:29

So sorry didnt get it across properly it was a female that he saved the number as a male work mate so whenever she text or called I wouldnt notice.

Velvetunderground Fri 29-Jul-11 09:10:18

He only moved out the othernight. If he was seeing the OW for a few months, this might have been why he did not help and started not communicating and distancing himself and was happy to move out.

It was going on for months so even before that the man disengaged from his wife. It could be possible that the wife try to communicate but the husband wanted out but was too much of a coward to tell her.

If you live with your wife that you made vows to you do not seek sex out of the marrage you try your best to fix the marrage first.

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