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I am in a bad situation with DH

(31 Posts)
anotherglass Thu 28-Jul-11 20:29:01

I reallly need help breaking out of damaging situation. Background: DH and I married for 12 years with 2DS, 8 & 5. Things have been rocky for the past few years and I have gone through some fairly heavy experiences like losing a twin pregnancy and cancer feeling very lonely and unsupported. DH is not an 'emoter' which I knew when accepted when I met as I am a fairly resilient individual but little did I know how cruel and mean he could be at my weakest moments - so much so that i think I have married a woman hater. A few examples, when I was in hospital with threatened twin miscarriage he says at hospital bedside that i am spoiling his weekend and went off to the park with oldest son. When I was going thru dark stages of early cancer diagnosis i was told that 'i was such a glass half empty person' and to 'stop being so self obsessed'. There are plenty more incidents like this. He also has binge drinking issues. He is a manager but regularly drinks with staff, getting so blinding drunk that he passed out on the road at one staff event. Last year he fell down the stairs at a family do. I have continually warned him to cut back his drinking as it is affecting his work and our family life, but he does not accept he has a problem. He just ploughs on, taking reckless risks like cycling at night in the city after 8 pints. The straw has broken the camels back today, though. I accidentally opened a letter and it was a CRB check for a job he applied for but didn't tell me about. He had been cautioned for drunk and disorderly a few months back, but never told me anything about it. We don't hug, kiss or sleep together.
I know he sounds like a complete tosser and you are probably asking why on earth I am still with him. Well its the usual, isn't it, he is loving dad and the kids love their father. I would feel guilt about splitting up. But mostly it is because I have no family in this country and I cannot leave and return to my home country without major issues taking the children with me. Splitting up and staying in this country seems so difficult financially for me and the kids. I don't know how I could do it without a support network. I don't have many friends in RL. This whole situation is really getting me down and I feel trapped and depressed. It was my fault for making myself so vulnerable. I have asked him to leave before but he won't as he knows it is so complex for me- and my threats won't be followed through. His family won't help. I am beginngin to really hate him and hate myself for getting into this situation. I don't know what to do.

SarahStratton Thu 28-Jul-11 20:31:26

And a lovely role model for your DCs too. You forgot that bit.

anotherglass Thu 28-Jul-11 20:35:58

I am aware of this. That's why I am actually looking for support to move out of this situation. It is tough. I am on my own.

SheCutOffTheirTails Thu 28-Jul-11 20:37:27

New friends are not that hard to make.

Your marriage is dead. The kids can still love him while you get your life back together away from him.

GypsyMoth Thu 28-Jul-11 20:41:50

Why can't you stay in this country?

anotherglass Thu 28-Jul-11 20:43:42

I wish I could open up and make friends but am not really in the best frame of mind. The past few months have been very hard. I feel at breaking point.

anotherglass Thu 28-Jul-11 20:49:35

I could stay in this country. But I am not originally from the UK, all my family are elsewhere. If I split with DH, I am on completely on my own. Even though my marriage is troubled I would feel more vulnerable.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 28-Jul-11 20:54:49

A man who has no incentive to leave will not leave.

If you want to split, you're going to have to be the one to leave. No-one is truly trapped in a marriage; there must be a way for you to make it work. It will probably be very uncomfortable and difficult, but possible.

There are also probably more people that you can open up to and appeal for help than you suspect. Try it. Even friends you think of as "casual" rather than bosom buddies may feel closer to you than you think (if you are the kind of person who assumes that no-one could possibly like you, when actually they do), and any decent person is usually more than happy to offer help when they hear a tale of real distress.

buzzsore Thu 28-Jul-11 20:57:33

Have you had any counselling? You've had a lot of traumatic things going on, so maybe that would be an avenue to consider, to help you get your strength up?

Is there any community of fellow countrymen/women you could get in touch with? Or perhaps a group or class you could join to build a social network up? You wouldn't have to be deep or open up, just have positive things to do and distractions while you sort things out and set up a new life. If you had emotional support through a counsellor perhaps with possibly superficial but fun social interactions, you might find things easier?

anotherglass Thu 28-Jul-11 21:05:08

I guess I could reach out but I've just been slipping into a shell over the past few weeks. There was another incident last week when he had a binge session after work and came home demanding dinner. We had an argument. I got upset. The next day he said it was bad but he couldn't say it wouldn't happen again. I know, I know, empty threats are useless. I should have just packed my bags and left because I am being treated like dirt. I have 2 young children. I need to think about the bigger plan for them but now I just feel so low and useless.

MadamM Thu 28-Jul-11 21:10:47

anotherglass I am in a very similar situation than you, even down to the coming from another country, apart from the fact that I am a bit more down the line than you are re knowing I will and can leave (but still haven't split up...)

There are few things in your post
1- you feel very lonely. This isn't surprising. You don't say how long you have been in this country but I know from exprerience that even 10 years down the line it can feel very difficult to 'meet people and make friends' probably because we don't really know the 'rules' on how to do that (the english way). So I would disagree with SheCutOffTheirTails. It can be difficult but it is not impossible. Starting with people who are either from another country or who have lived abroad because, ime, they are easier to 'get in contact with'. You do need to build a network around you because, even if you stay with your H, you do need it. We are a sociable animal after all.
2- you are starting to really want to leave your H but you are not quite sure yet because of the guilt. I have been thruough that one too and the best advice I have been given is to look at your H and thnk about what attracted you to him in the first place. Then think if this is still the case and if your H is able to meet these 'requirements'. One of them could be 'to be supported in hard time' or 'working as a team to face problems together'. Is he able to do that? If not then in itself, this is enough to finish this relationship. people change (you and him) and you do not ave to put up with a bad situation because you said 'yes' 10 years ago.
3- the financial situation and being ble to cope alone. Go and see CAB and ask what sort of help/supprt you would get as a lone parent. You will probably be surprised. On an emotional and practical point of view, what abut keeping a dairy for a week on what you do for the dcs/home and see what your H is doing. Are you sure you are not nearly doing it all already? On an emotional pov, you will probably feel better wo him. Another way would be to seek the help of a counsellor and/or have a owrd with family about what is going on (even if over the phone)
4- The living in the UK bit is an issue because, if yur H is getting really difficult, he could stop you from going back to your own country. You don't say if yu are working or if you could go back into employment easily. Perhaps starting by that so that you have some sort of financial stability. And think about going back to your homeland later on - if you think ths is the most appropriate thing to do (what with unsettling the dcs to another country blabla... I am personnally no convinced that this is an issue as such but worth considering anyway)

HTP

anotherglass Thu 28-Jul-11 21:11:49

I think seeing a counsellor is a good suggestion. I have been thinking about it but it's half term and everything on the backburner...yadda yadda.

ILookLikeAToad Thu 28-Jul-11 21:12:41

I'm sorry - you sound like you are going through a difficult time. You have three options:
Leave him - no matter how hard this seems it can be done and you will get through it.
Stay with him and try to work through things - perhaps with a counsellor.
Stay and try and develop your own coping mechanisms for the marriage, which may actually in time make it better. As buzzsore said try to build up a social network, get a hobby etc. I know it is easier said than done but you don't need to look for soulmates just people to have a coffee / wine with now and again.

MadamM Thu 28-Jul-11 21:12:41

anotherglass this guy has totally eroded your self esteem. You CAN do it if you want to!

MadamM Thu 28-Jul-11 21:14:29

Well I disagree. No one should ever stay in a marriage and 'develop coping mechanisms'. That's what you do when you are in the middle of a sh** situation. But ding it on purpose isn't what a mariage is about

anotherglass Thu 28-Jul-11 21:20:45

In my heart I want to leave. The guy was not there for me at my weakest and most vulnerable moments. What more can I say? I have suggested counselling but he refuses. Thus I have lost faith in our future. Which brings me to now. MadamM, very sorry to hear you have gone through similar, but thanks for sharing your thoughts and practical advice. I really appreciated your post. I do need a framework to get through this, bit by bit. Feeling lost at sea at the moment and I guess fairly impotent in not being able to make a firm decision.

ILookLikeAToad Thu 28-Jul-11 21:22:36

I know MadamM that no one should have to do that but sometimes it can help whilst deciding what to do. I meant things to help whilst she makes a decision - sorry it didn't come out like that.

Anotherglass have you spoken to your DH about how you feel? What does he say?

anotherglass Thu 28-Jul-11 21:29:48

ILook, we don't have rational discussions about this. We argue and he tells me he is only staying for the kids sake. I have told him a few times now that he should go/can leave, I want to separate but he refuses. I think he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy for leaving. I am in a real rut.

MadamM Thu 28-Jul-11 21:31:11

I think it is quite normal to take time before making such a decision.

I would really advice you on going and see a counsellor on your own, not to save your relationship, but for yourself, looking at what has happened, how you got into that situation in the first place and whether you actually think there is something to salvage or not.
I found that, even though I put up with a lot for a long time, and then hesitated for nearly a year on whether I should leave or not, things ahve finally fallen into place in a matter of weeks. But only with the help of a counsellor who asked the right questions and validated for me that my reactions were pretty normal (and therefore validated my own instinct that I stopped trusting).
The other thing that really helped me was to start building up a life for myself. So I know that now I have a few friends around (Just one in the town were I live, the others are futher afield - I can't ask anyone to babyit or whatever but I can someone on the phone if need be). I also have started to reclaim ny financial independance. Again not complete but with the different tax credit etc... I can financially survive.
Anothet thing about counselling. Start it now that you re with your H and can finacially afford it. When you will be separated, you migt not be able to and you will probably still need it.

Finally, remember it's a process so it might take weeks or months. It doesn't matter as such. What matter is that you get through all the obstacles and find yourself where yu want to be in the end.

anotherglass Thu 28-Jul-11 21:37:54

Thanks MadamM. The plan is good. I feel it will be helpful to talk to a counsellor and get into a better emtional place before making a 'final' decision. Though how do I cope in the meantime? I am so angry at him for lying to me, to himself blah blah. He has cocked up this job opportunity now with the police caution on the CRB. I can't stand to look at him. The anger and frustration is really overwhelming. I am in tears again.

PeppaIsBack Thu 28-Jul-11 22:00:33

Well the job thing is his problem not yours... It's not your job, you didn't get drunk. What do you think you can do about it?

On a day to day basis, try and take some distance and look at his behaviour as if it was somebodyelse not related to you (let's say someone posting on here about their H behaviour) What would you think?
Take as much distance as you can (physically). Try to make yurself busy with somethingelse when he is watching Tv etc...

Deal with the stress and anger as you would with any other stress: go for a run/exercise, write down how you feel and burn the paper. Make yourself as bsy as possible so you don't think about him all the time.

anotherglass Thu 28-Jul-11 22:12:16

The job thing is a 'joint' problem because we have a family. But having gone done this path so many times before, I now accept that it is really stupid to think I can change him. Typical pattern after an episode is that he pulls back a bit, for a while, then slips back into old habits.

The only way forward, really, is to accept I can't change him and that he probably doesn't want to change but wants out.

I am at this accepting stage. But its the next bit which is hard. What to do?

ILookLikeAToad Thu 28-Jul-11 22:29:06

He sounds like he is behaving like a child and refusing to accept responsibility for his actions, his family and his marriage.
It sounds like you have made a decision that you want to leave. I agree that you need to get some distance from him on a day to day basis and build up your emotional reserves. It will take courage to leave but you can do it.

Are you able to get your family to come over to see you or visit them?

anotherglass Thu 28-Jul-11 22:51:56

Yes he is behaving like a child, I feel like I have 3 DS, not 2. But who gets the blame for his poor behaviour? Me and everyone else; colleagues, family etc.

My mum might come over but could really only stay for a few weeks, and she would find it terribly difficult to leave me. They want me to come home. I have been in here in the UK for my adult life - so left a long time ago. I did have good friends here but we don't see eachother v often anymore as we have young families or have moved to different parts of the country, etc. Life just passes by when you work and have a young family.

Returning back 'home' is another issue which I have to deal with because in many other respects life is good here; I have a well paid job which I really love. I can see more opportunities here for DS1, especially, who is theatrical.

My home is like a big country town. Big, big difference to where I am now. I guess it would feel a step back. But my priorities aren't sitting right yet, I know. I have to thing about what is best long term for DS and they have a bigger family network back home, including similar aged cousins. Life could be much easier, in many ways.

Kaelle Thu 28-Jul-11 23:12:51

oh wow Anotherglass, you've got a lot on your plate. I'm also an expat, but I love being here and wouldn't move "home". You are in a difficult situation and need some professional help to sort it all out. One thing is for sure: You do not have to put up with an alcoholic husband.

You sound very capable, with a good job and a good head on your shoulders. Now is the time to think straight!

the issue with being an expat is that it's very difficult to develop close relationships here. However,in my experience when my Global Guy left me, I deliberately thought through which of my current friends could become 'Girlfriends". I chose five women I knew who I particularly admired and who I know didn't talk about others when we were together. Then, I knew they wouldn't talk about me......good friends who were smart enough to be honest, but who didn't blab. And I spent time investing on their friendships. It's the best thing I ever did. As expats, girlfriends are really difficult. I just spent lunch today with one of my best friends from my home country and it just felt sooooooo wonderful.

Girlfriend help and professional help.....

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