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What was your gaslighting experiences?

(119 Posts)
want2sleep Thu 28-Jul-11 19:00:03

Thought I would start a new thread as didn't want to highlight the troll and still a bit confused?

So when ex accussed me of hallucinating and attacking him and he told midwife and he lied is this Gaslighting?

Or is it when ex told everyone I put hole in condom to get pregnant...the other story it was someone else's baby is this gaslighting?

Or when he told SS I was abusing ds....and found out later ex was actually physically abusing ds is this introprjection (sorry extra question)?

Can others share there's as it helps me understand it better in real life iygwim?

neuroticmumof3 Thu 28-Jul-11 19:04:45

I don't know whether they're all gaslighting or not but they're certainly abusive. I'm glad he's your ex.

deste Thu 28-Jul-11 19:06:10

I would say 1 and 3 definite.

want2sleep Thu 28-Jul-11 19:10:12

oh neuroticmumof3 me too glad...but still attacking over last 7.5 years on and off...really interesting read loads on gaslighting/projection/intoprojection/stalking etc and then found a book on how to listen to your 'gut' instinct...fab...it saved my life more than once with ex attacking us.

I thought 'Gas Lighting' was a slang word made up...until last night! Very interesting!! Just not sure if it was Gas Lighting but to many examples to list.

bristolcities Thu 28-Jul-11 19:10:23

I just sent exp a message saying ''have you sorted any thing out t=with the csa?'' he sent one back saying ''your a vile little tramp, stop stalking me!''. Is this gas lighting or just a pathetic attempt at ringling out of his responsibilities.

We split up recently after he pursued me relentlessly to get back together following a previous split then as it turned out he had another women he sent me message after message calling me a deranged stalker.

It's actually just left me feeling a little uneasy that any one could be that weird.

I can't believe how common it is.

want2sleep Thu 28-Jul-11 19:13:00

thanks deste is it because 1 and 3 he said I did something that put him or my child at risk?

FreudianSlipper Thu 28-Jul-11 19:32:36

changing the furniture around seemed to be a favourite and hiding my things

want2sleep Thu 28-Jul-11 19:42:05

ahhh so they try to make you think their is a poltergeist? That is why I said get a priest on other thread LOL!

When ex left fake petrol bomb outside my house...was this gaslighting...or wishful thing he could light it?

want2sleep Thu 28-Jul-11 19:43:13

bristol it sounds like gaslighting or projection...he stalks you and then accusses you of stalking.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 28-Jul-11 20:20:05

<so that other thread was a troll? Is that why I can't find it anymore? Damn, I miss all the fun.>

All the things you describe sound horrendous, want2sleep. I think number 1 is gaslighting, probably number 2 and number 3 as well, although number 3 could also be projection if he really seemed to believe it (ie. it wasn't just counscious slander to get himself off the hook).

He sounds so unhinged, love. I'm sorry you're still having to deal with his craziness.

catinboots Thu 28-Jul-11 20:24:05

Can someone purleeze give me a definition of gaslighting.

want2sleep Thu 28-Jul-11 20:46:30

Thanks ItsMeandMyPuppy the man is delusional....he truely believes what he says! Yes i wondered if it was projection too. It was awful esp around Haloween and Bonfire Night as terrified my house was going to become the bonfire! I would not sleep for 10-12 nights then collapse....lucky ds was signed off school as unwell as I couldn't driven him...I would have crashed the car otherwise.
I was worried he was going to knock my car off road or cut my brakes too. He used to attack when no one was present only ds...my mother started accussing me of kicking the door in...it was awful. Only one person believed me...thankfully! She said she had seen this before and that he was extremely dangerous. I was in a sick kinda way relieved someone had went through worse than me as starting feel like a freek...then found out it was a troll!

Catinboots on the troll thread this Gaslighting thread was really good:

HERE

NormaStanleyFletcher Thu 28-Jul-11 20:54:39

Definition of Gas Lighting clicky lmgtfy.com/?q=Gaslighting

PeppermintPasty Thu 28-Jul-11 21:45:59

Bloody trolls! Damn them! Time for another wine

bejeezus Thu 28-Jul-11 21:49:46

how do you all know that was a troll?

inatrance Thu 28-Jul-11 22:21:01

I would say all are obviously abusive and twattish behaviours but that 1 is gaslighting. To me it's when they lie, rewrite history, make up or twist events to make you doubt your own reality.

My experience of this was frequent with my ex, the stand out example being when he went into a crazy rage whilst driving and lost control of the car during a verbal tirade at me while I just sat crying.

He crashed the car going too fast over a roundabout and continued screaming at me while we got the car to a side street. I was on my way to a job, so I rang the person i was working for and got picked up while he rang his parents to get him and the car.

By the time I got home that night he had rewritten history and said we crashed because I was screaming abuse at him and attacking him. hmm

The Lundy Bancroft book actually gave me my truth (and sanity) back. I honestly thought I was crazy.

BeardofZeus Thu 28-Jul-11 22:23:53

Doesn't sound like gaslighting to me, just sounds like a class A** asshole. IE someone you shouldn't have a relationship with, shouldn't contact and shouldn't let get in the way of you leading a successful life

MonkeyJungleConga Thu 28-Jul-11 22:28:09

Wow! - it was a troll? how did that come out then?

BeardofZeus Thu 28-Jul-11 22:29:33

Yeah but Inatrance, the whole definition of gaslighting is that you're not meant to be able to hmm at it because you're not sure if it happened or not. If you remember clearly what happened, and he tells other people differently, that's not gaslighting, that's lying surely?

Jellykat Thu 28-Jul-11 22:42:48

Had to be a troll - No previous posting history, disappeared fairly early on leaving everyone to worry, but most importantly MNHQ deleted thread, because they said the OP wasn't who they said they were... If i remember correctly.

want2sleep I have to say, like BeardofZeus, it doesn't seem like Gaslighting to me either.

You sound like you knew he was lying all along, or did you ever think along the lines of Shit, maybe i did put a hole in the condom / attack him / kick in the door?

Gaslighting really makes the victim question their recollections of events.

MonkeyJungleConga Thu 28-Jul-11 22:44:27

Some people are odd (gaslighters and trolls alike).

Do women gaslight, then? It always seems to be a male thing.

Pigglesworth Thu 28-Jul-11 22:46:49

Oh well I suppose it's good they deleted the thread (I assume you mean the one about the egged car, "punched" cake, guinea pigs, etc. - which I looked for just then because I posted on it, and it's gone), but I'm annoyed because I spent 15 minutes writing a really long and detailed response to that thread! Oh well... I'm still glad people didn't shout "troll" on the thread.

Sorry to hear about your gaslighting experiences OP. It baffles me that people can set out to try to make others feel like they're going crazy.

Jellykat Thu 28-Jul-11 23:05:46

Monkey - Women do Gaslight, don't forget Emotional Abuse cases with Men as the victims, are reportedly on the increase..

n.b My own 'D'M is brilliant at Gaslighting, or so she thinks!

inatrance Fri 29-Jul-11 00:10:51

BeardofZeus that was the most extreme example of my ex's gaslighting and was actually the straw that broke the camels back for me. I KNEW what had happened that time especially as I was able to have several hours to think about it without him confusing me, there was no way he could rewrite that one! It took me a few months to get out after that, but that was the point I started to plan to leave. The intent was the same as all the other less extreme incidents in which he did similar things - to confuse me and cause me to doubt what had happened. The definition of gaslighting states:

"in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred..."

On many previous occasions I wasn't hmm because he DID have me doubting what happened. I'm more hmm with hindsight, it wasn't so cut and dried at the time. He out and out denied things that had only just happened, he distorted events out of all recognition so that I ended up being convinced that I was the one with the problem and had mental problems. Gaslighting can be over minor things, and it IS lies, but said with absolute conviction and sheer mind boggling denial over FACTS, the truth as it is.

You still see the truth with your eyes, and your mind still computes the facts but you are presented with a completely different version of events and confused by exhausting mind games which end up leaving you feeling like your head is surrounded by fog. As soon as the crash had happened the fog started to clear and my survival instinct kicked in as I realised he could have killed us both. I still doubted myself until I read the Lundy book and saw my marriage and H there in black and white.

garlicbutter Fri 29-Jul-11 00:35:31

Yeah, women gaslight. You should meet my mum!

XH#2:

Was in a car, parked in the middle of our road, at midnight with a woman. He'd just phoned to say he was nearly home from a work thingy with a male colleague. I went up to the car, the woman hopped out and he drove off. I asked the woman if she knew my husband, she said "No, I'm just visiting a friend" - next door to us. I went back in, there was H, insisting his pal had just dropped him off on the corner. I tried to pursue this with him, he just said I was 'pathological'. I ended up thinking I must have not seen what I did see confused

Frequently disappeared at parties. One of a certain few women would disappear at the same time. They'd be gone for hours. He'd tell me they'd been chatting at the end of the bar or some such, and only for an hour. Again, I doubted myself as much as I doubted him.

Told everybody he was single! We knew a lot of the same people; everyone knew I was married, but practically died of shock if I happened to tell them my H's name. Again, I was imagining it due to my (supposed) extreme possessiveness - he said. I actually bought books on how to become less jealous. Dickhead me.

Regularly 'lost' his credit card shortly after overstretching it on a night out. He was the most generous man at the bar, but didn't pay for what he'd bought and cadged off me for the rest of the month. OK, that's not strictly gaslighting, but I certainly felt confused when I figured out what he was doing.

I was going to offer some more gems from my two delightful husbands and my insane 'best friend', but I'm getting too angry!

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