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Does anyone elses mum do this and what do you do about it?

(22 Posts)
ilovedora27 Thu 28-Jul-11 11:14:00

Has anyone else got a mum who is lovely in lots of ways but always seems to say the opposite and just seems to do it to be awkward.

Say I said I was painting the bedroom at the weekend lemon and then your mum saying well you should keep it neutral, I wouldnt like it if I came in to buy your place and it was that colour (Its not up for sale) Its up to you though.... then saying other things and saying its your place its up to you though...

Same would go for doing the place up, clothes, cars, jobs, having kids etc. Say if I say I am doing something or planning on something it feels like she plants seeds of doubt about it. Sometimes I think its because she is trying to be helpful then I just wonder if she is doing it so she has some input in to everything. Then later if I ask advice about the same stuff as she has made me doubt myself like ' do you think I should do this/buy this/apply for this' and she will say 'look its up to you, you have to live your own life' and seem short tempered about it confused

Another would be ringing me and saying your not doing anything then your going to be bored. Then me saying yeah I am doing something I have to clean the place and then go to soft play and then her saying Dont do all that you will be too tired (Im pregnant) It seems a bit petty written down I suppose but does anyone know what I mean?

DrunkenDaisy Thu 28-Jul-11 11:41:22

Yes my Mum does this. Drives me mad. I put it down to her needing to feel important, as she was mostly a housewife which I think stunted her intelligence and self-worth a bit.

2rebecca Thu 28-Jul-11 11:51:38

My mum wasn't like this, but then I didn't tend to ask her what colour to paint stuff, my husband and I just got on with it. You sound a bit relient on her. I'd stop telling her as much stuff and if she asks about what colour something is tell her and if she says "you should have done it x" just tell her that she is always negative about your choices and can't she just say "that's nice" rather than being negative.
You do sound overly dependent on her opinions though. It really shouldn't matter what colour your mum thinks your bedroom should be, it's not her house.

ilovedora27 Thu 28-Jul-11 12:05:29

Its not usually I ask her all the time on everything just say I say it in passing as I did about the paint she will make out the flat will be unsaleable if its not neutral, too overpowering etc.

I dont know maybe its this boundary thing I see about on here.When we were first married she used to let herself in our flat and if we were laying in bed 'shout get up you have to tidy this mess in here' on saturday afternoons/evenings if we had friends round the night before. It did used to be a bit messy but that used to annoy me.

bejeezus Thu 28-Jul-11 12:08:02

mine does this!

I dont agree with your first sentence though--i dont think mine does it on purpose to be awkward

Ive only just realised it about mine/its only just started to get on my nerves but my sister says she has always been like this and think she does it in a controlling way

We both agree though that its not that big a deal as to over shadow all the love and support she shows us

I get the impression it is her just thinking out loud-a running commentary of whats in her head. You can only do that with family cant you? That, and wanting to be involved. I have learnt to not take it too much to heart. It did used to make me doubt myself.

ilovedora27 Thu 28-Jul-11 12:12:16

Yeah I can never make out if she is doing it on purpose she can be so nice and helpful but then I think does it make me act younger and she like that cause I am reliant. Its just when she does it all the time I think she is crazy.

When I got married I planned to get married in 2 years as I thought she would be annoyed if I did it earlier. Then she met up with me and said I should move it forward a year then paid for the honeymoon suite for us and went to wedding fairs then rang up and said no I dont want you to do it. No reason for it, nothing had changed etc. So we just ran away on our own and she found out a few weeks before and then was ok and gave me 500 and it was never mentioned again. Its things like that I think surely she must think is weird.

bejeezus Thu 28-Jul-11 12:17:35

i dont let mine actually influence my decisions to that extent.

I take on board her opinion but wouldnt change my wedding plans for example.

I would have asked her to explain why she had changed her mind about the wedding date

is she a bit dotty generally?

oiwheresthecoffee Thu 28-Jul-11 12:19:27

Yep does exactly this. right down to the getting stroppy/upset when i disagree. Her speciality is "i dont know why i bother , you only disagree with me anyway." or "Whatever i say is wrong to you isnt it ?"

ilovedora27 Thu 28-Jul-11 12:31:33

We didnt let her stop the wedding we ran away to the Carribean on our own. She couldnt explain it she just said I have changed my mind just wait.

yeah oiwheresthecoffee thats exactly it. If I get frustrated and cry its cause I have always been emotional, a drama queen etc. Do you ever think she does a lot for you so feel guilty but then feel like in some ways she holds you back cause you doubt your own mind?

oiwheresthecoffee Thu 28-Jul-11 12:37:24

Oh yes. She does so much for me , is very generous , money , gifts etc. Makes me feel awful sometimes. I dont know if she knows she is doing it ?
I moved into my flat she wanted to stay over and unpack for me. I said i really would rather i did it myself as it was my home and she got all sniffy again. She wants to take over and be in control. Needs to be needed to make her feel ok i think.
She wanted to bring up cleaning products and clean for me , ignoring that
a. i can clean thank you very much and
b. It was newly decorated and cleaned.
She was most put out when i refused.

oiwheresthecoffee Thu 28-Jul-11 12:39:32

Oh and if i get anoyed/upset she also gets upset , blames me , tells me no one else has a problem with her like i do , indicating it must be some sort fault of mine angry and the sole problem lies with me as im obviously ungrateful etc ect

FreudianSlipper Thu 28-Jul-11 12:41:19

yes

another one who does it to make herself feel important, now i understand that it is not as annoying or upsetting

i have also learnt not to turn to my mum with problems especially with partners she can not be objective but at the same time tries to be. she has always prided herself on that we have a relationship like sisters, it is more like that than mother and daughter and this is what i have always wanted but never got from her

ilovedora27 Thu 28-Jul-11 12:47:21

Same here my mum came to appointments for me to arrange both our flats, flat viewings with us, she used to be crazy on cleaning my old flat and be constantly letting herself in to tidy (we worked away in week and she needed a key). She has calmed down a bit now on the cleaning for me but she loves input in everything.

qwepoi Thu 28-Jul-11 12:51:48

shock at drunken daisy 'she was mostly a housewife which I think stunted her intelligence and self-worth a bit.'

Is that really what you think of sahms?

oiwheresthecoffee Thu 28-Jul-11 12:57:03

Id change the locks if i were you !

CeliaDeBohun Thu 28-Jul-11 13:17:25

Yep does exactly this. right down to the getting stroppy/upset when i disagree. Her speciality is "i dont know why i bother , you only disagree with me anyway." or "Whatever i say is wrong to you isnt it ?"
oiwheresthecoffee are you my Dsis?? This is exactly what my mum does and says. I'm always feeling like I need to walk on eggshells around her if I disagree with her on something because she gets wound up with me so quickly. It's horrible and really stressy.

CupcakesandTwunting Thu 28-Jul-11 13:23:10

Yes. She knows she is doing it too because when I glaze over/roll my eyes at her, she goes "ooh, I'm off again aren't I?" No-one could have that much of a lack of self-awareness that they do the same thing once, twice a week and not realise, surely?

Me and DH take the mickey out of her now and we call her that Harry Enfield character 'You Don't Want To Do It Like That, You Want To Do It Like This' wink

oiwheresthecoffee Thu 28-Jul-11 13:23:33

No i am an only child ! But its glad to know im not the only one with a mother like mine !
I disagree with her because she is well...wrong !
"Gayness comes from same sex boarding schools because there is the oppertunity for it there " is one of her more insane trains of thought. I was shock and confused at that one. She doesnt like being told she is talking bollocks so tries to play the victim.

oiwheresthecoffee Thu 28-Jul-11 13:24:15

And. She goes on and on. once she has an idea in her head thats it. Its suck there for ever.

EmmaTheFox Thu 28-Jul-11 13:32:00

DrunkenDaisy - "as she was mostly a housewife which I think stunted her intelligence and self-worth a bit."

What. The. Fuck?!

ExpatMummyInOz Thu 28-Jul-11 13:59:30

DrunkenDaisy, I laughed so much, I nearly wet myself.

2rebecca Thu 28-Jul-11 14:14:22

Having your mum let herself into your flat and tell you and your husband to get up and you not to just tell her to get out, stop ordering you around in your own home and demand your key back sounds strange. Would you let your MIL away with stuff like this?
I think moving away from your parents to your first house has many advantages. It does clarify that you are now an adult with your own place and stop them trying to continue to treat you like a child.

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