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Rebuilding trust with DH - first night out.

(28 Posts)
LauLauLemon Wed 27-Jul-11 22:43:03

I am slowly rebuilding my trust in DH after a lot of alcohol fueled rows and broken promises. Tonight is his first night out since we decided to really work on our relationship and it's just him and his best mate down the local pub having a few pints and having a chat.

I think.

I can't keep my mind from wondering who he's meeting or if there's good looking women there. I know in my heart of hearts he wouldn't be doing anything as he wants to work at this as much as I do and was extremely hurt when he realised the pain and devastation of trust he'd caused but there's always that feeling.

Has anyone been in a similar position? How do I stop my mind working? I'm trying to keep myself busy and thinking about other things but somehow it keeps going round and round. He knows he isn't trusted and it's a process but we both know staying in around each other 24/7 isn't healthy or going to help. I know I don't own him and can't keep him attached to me.

Advice please? Am a little whinging desperado.

LauLauLemon Thu 28-Jul-11 00:09:29

DH promised he'd be home at 11:30 due to a lot of things both physical with me and the trust issue and he hasn't bothered to even call.

Is he just playing head games with me when he knows I'm untrusting right now? He doesn't have a mobile and his friends one is off.

Ugh. Fuck he's such a let down.

Earthymama Thu 28-Jul-11 00:22:32

I don't have any advice but I do feel for you.
I hope there's a sensible reason for his late return.
Oh i do have some advice, read something. It won't go in at first but will help with spiralling thoughts.
EM x

LauLauLemon Thu 28-Jul-11 00:40:13

There seems to be no sensible reason. I phoned his friend who picked up and I could hear a woman singing in the background and then he cut me off. I phoned again to hear a woman talking in the background and he cut me off again. Now he's turned his phone off despite me texting asking if DH could phone me and let me know what time he'll be home but I've not had so much as a call.

DH doesn't have his keys so I have to wait up for him and I have a 3 year old and a 7 month old I have to be up with in the morning.

Orbinator Thu 28-Jul-11 00:46:08

Quite shocked that he has done this on his first night out when he is trying to prove he is trustworthy. Wasn't really worth the trouble, was it? It shows, to me anyway, that he isn't very respectful of your feelings and is already trying to "show you" he will do what he wants.

Do you think his mate would have heard the story and be making it hard for him to come home on time - ie making him feel he needs to be macho and stay out rather than going home to you?

I'd be very unimpressed and have strong words in the morning. No point tonight as he will be blotto by the time he gets in and it will end in tears.

Feel for you and hope he comes back soon and you can at least get some sleep.

thesunshinesbrightly Thu 28-Jul-11 01:09:06

Tough... if he doesn't have his keys go to bed.

Text him and tell him your going to bed he can stop at his mates house.

He has no respect for you, i would be livid!

RabbitPie Thu 28-Jul-11 07:47:41

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RabbitPie Thu 28-Jul-11 08:19:35

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LauLauLemon Thu 28-Jul-11 09:16:19

I'm so heartbroken. The girls seem to be fine but 3yo DD keeps asking for her daddy. I don't know where he is. He stormed out 3:30am after telling me this relationship was too difficult, he didn't lie (he did), he can't cope with my manic depression and fibromyalgia and doesn't love me anymore. Wants a trial separation and to go back living with parents for a while until he 'sorts his head out' then he'll let me know whether he wants to leave or get back together.

He's not with his parents and his friend is asleep ie hungover so isn't answering. Haven't got a clue where he is or if he'll contact me.

I feel like a mug. Here I am working on my issues with trusting him, on eight pills a day to manage manic depression, ibs, insomnia and fibromyalgia and he's talking about our future, calling me beautiful, telling me he loves me etc. apparantly he's not felt sure for a while but didn't tell me.

I just feel utterly exhausted. Two hours sleep, two young DD's, no idea what's going on and no shitting tobacco.

Just...fuck. Please.

Orbinator Thu 28-Jul-11 09:23:26

OK, so he came home after a few drinks and got shitty. Although it sounds as though you have a lot of issues to work through I would put a lot of what he said down to frustration. He went out with a friend and off loaded, probably had a bit too much and got shirty, then another because he could and it resulted in him storming home with a rage on.

For now I'd let him have his distance. If his friend is suffering with a hangover then so will he be. There is no point making important decisions with or without him while he is in that state.

I'd personally agree to the trail separation as long as you can go to counselling and he sees his children regularly in the week. I think the time alone would help you with some issues, as he doesn't seem to be particularly supportive, from what you have written here. Only issue here is childcare; make sure you aren't just left with the kids and get less sleep, etc, while he runs about having a mid-life crisis.

Do you have anyone who could look after the kids for a bit today while you catch up on a couple of hours sleep?

Orbinator Thu 28-Jul-11 09:27:03

Out of interest, do you think that he may have been the cause of any of your problems - were you depressed prior to your relationship with him? He does sound quite demanding at a time when you are clearly in need of his help.

Although having said that manic depression can seem never ending and is obviously hard to live with for the other party. I think I'm just trying to understand what kind of support you get, other than him, to deal with your worries?

NickyNackyNooNoo Thu 28-Jul-11 09:32:47

No advice - just wanted to say you deserve so much better than him. What a tool he is, you have two DDs who do and will look up to you, be strong for you & them x

molepom Thu 28-Jul-11 09:33:42

"He will let you know if he wants to get back together or not."

Are you kidding me? Who does he think he is?

Honey, you really dont need him, or his shit. You have enough of that on your own without him adding to it.

Tell the twunt you dont need him to make up his mind as you have already made up yours and tell him he can fucking go do one.

molepom Thu 28-Jul-11 09:35:03

Will your sister get some baccy for you?

LauLauLemon Thu 28-Jul-11 09:42:35

DH came back. Told me he's been wandering around all night and still doesn't love me.

I had depression prior to DH but mildly. With his headgames and abuse he made me at a constant low and would blame the illness for screwing me up, not him.

I've told him I'm happy for a trial separation but if he thinks he alone is calling the shots he has another thing coming.

Have been crying so hard I was sick. Great sad He's here now on the toilet so have to be quick.

Orbinator Thu 28-Jul-11 09:42:52

I agree he does sound like a fucktard, but we have to appreciate there was more to this relationship than just last night.

He has acted appallingly and you should definitely be strong and not let him get away with it. You have a lot to sort out, as I said, but it would be good to know if in the past he has actually been supportive or if he just contributes to your problems or is indeed the cause.

He has come across as extremely selfish and needs to grow up, frankly. But you know him better than us. This inst to say that if you feel you need him/can't live without him then you do, as if he is controlling you would think that anyway. I think we just need a little back story as to what kind of husband/father he has been.

molepom Thu 28-Jul-11 09:46:47

IF he doesnt love you then a trial seperation is no good. It's over.

He doesnt want you and you dont need him, he is making you ill for gods sake, and thinks it all YOUR fault.

Get rid of the wanker for good. The first 2-3 weeks are hell but, blow me, you will feel like a new woman by the end of August. I promise you that.

Time to treat the dead relationship like a plaster babe. Rip it off nice and quick.

Orbinator Thu 28-Jul-11 09:48:19

X posted. GREAT! KEEP STRONG BUT SAY LITTLE. Now may not be the time - you need some space to get your head straight and some sleep.

Glad you agreed to trial separation - sounds like first step is complete to sorting out the mess.

Ask for counselling. If nothing else it may help him see your side of the story and help you work through issues he has created. They may even get him to appreciate his mind games have done nothing but perpetuate the negatives in the relationship.

He needs to tell you where he will be staying. Don't offer to help with his plans/where to go as he has apparently been thinking this for a while, so he should have a plan. It is not up to you to help him if he wants to be independent of you.

DO make sure he will see his kids. They don't need extra trauma because he has had a hissy fit after a few pints. He needs to do his share of the childcare.

Good luck and stay strong. You deserve more than this right now.

LauLauLemon Thu 28-Jul-11 12:24:25

DH will be living less than 2 minutes away with in laws so will be seeing me and DD's daily. He's seeing a doctor about anger management and pills tomorrow morning. Counseling with Relate has been booked both as a couple and single sessions. we're giving it six months. If theres no change, we both go our separate ways.

Solid plan or naive?

molepom Thu 28-Jul-11 12:34:10

Solid Plan but be prepared for the worst. Do not believe a thing he says he is GOING to do until he has actually done it and stuck to it for more than 4 months.

Good luck, you are braver than me.

Orbinator Thu 28-Jul-11 12:38:40

I think that sounds solid and am impressed grin. Well done you!

Make sure you stick to it though and no letting him back in after a couple of months because you miss him. <Wags finger> You both need time to make sure you are going to be happy together for the rest of your lives so 6 months isn't really very long in the grand scheme of things.

I really think you now have a chance to see how you truly feel and whether he is going to be supportive in the future or whether you actually work as a couple. Sometimes on here people see a very one sided view and in reality you have this person who you know very well and just getting rid of them doesn't always work. You need to be sure that you have made the right decisions having looked at all of the options and will counselling support before you let go of someone. If you aren't at least 90% sure you are doing the right thing I think it can be easy to wallow and get more messed up than before thinking you have thrown away something worthwhile.

Don't get me wrong, he sounds like a fucktard to me, but we all know how these threads go and I'd not like to give you overly one sided advice.

Now, get yourself something nice chocolate/run a bubble bath/flowers/wine and relax. Put on a movie or sleep and recharge your frazzled batteries.

Well done again for being so strong and getting this resolved.

LauLauLemon Thu 28-Jul-11 13:25:09

He is a fucktard but I'm sure I can be too. He's having all kinds of issues right now so the doctor will hopefully sort him out a little as will anger management, Relate etc.

I am prepared for the worst, I think.

How shall I prepare? I am way out of my depth!

notquitenormal Thu 28-Jul-11 13:39:38

I think you should consider something about the anger management. Does he lose it with anyone else? Does he (to refer to your comments in you other thread) push, fling or grab other people? Because if he doesn't then it seems he's perfectly capable of controlling his anger.

LauLauLemon Thu 28-Jul-11 13:59:14

Yes he does. It's an ongoing thing but has never hurt our children and always walks away to calm down with them. With other adults he finds it very difficult which is why I think AM may help.

Xales Thu 28-Jul-11 14:57:13

While you are apart get yourself to a solicitor or CAB. Find out what all your options are financially and legally so that you know how you will be money-wise and house-wise.

Get copies of all documentation you may need and keep them in a safe place.

I hope you can sort things out and you will never have to use it but knowledge is power.

Look after yourself. If you need help due to your problem see what is available, don't be proud take anything and everything you can. Anything to make your life as easy as possible.

Don't have the children 24/7. You need time and space to yourself. Set it up as if you are separate. He has them set times and days at the week/weekend and insist they are stuck to for your childs benefit. He doesn't get to come and see your children for an hour a day then fuck off out and live a single life every night while you look after them.

Don't waste your life sitting around waiting for him for the next 6 months. Get out and do something that interests you that maybe you couldn't do when you were together.

I hate to add this last one.

Don't expect him to remain faithful over this period. Perhaps I am harsh but I think he is going to be off out having fun, not thinking of you and due to drink etc he will give himself permission to shag someone despite your agreement because he doesn't necessarily see it as a trial.

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