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How do I deal with cutting a parent out of my life?

(3 Posts)
Pinkflipflop Wed 27-Jul-11 17:05:12

How do I deal with the realisation that my father is a hateful bully who shows nothing but contempt for me and talks to me like I am nothing?

How do I cope with the impact that having nothing to do with him will have on my mother (and I love her dearly)?

My father has always been an intimidating man, shouting, agressive (he was violent towards me when I was a child) and uncompromising. My mother always tries to keep the peace but her life is hell as he treats her like dirt. Today he left me shaking with fear as he verbally attacked me over having made nothing out of my life. This was as a result of me asking him to calm down and stop screaming at my mother over what was a fairly petty issue.
In his eyes she bought something that was too expensive for the house - we are talking £90 but this is coming from a person who has just bought a new 4x4 at £60k (just paid cash) so there aren't money worries iyswim.

Fair enough I am not exactly Lord Sugar but I have been to university, I'm now a primary school teacher, have husband - who is everything my father is not and I'm happy.

Every time I go to visit my parents my father is in a mood, he won't speak or just mutters one word answers, he talks down to me - today I made lunch for us all and he left the table and said it was disgusting and he wasn't eating it. He told me I was lazy and that I do nothing but lie about - not true I am on summer hols now but I'm in work 8-6 every day during term time and I work on a Sunday - I also do tuition in the evening.

I could go on and on with examples of things that he has done over the years but for some reason today was my turning point - I don't want his neagtivity in my life. To make matters worse he belongs to a fairly narrow christian group and feels that only people in this group are going to heaven. I was a member as a child but as I grew into adulthood I left it.

I told him to day that he was a hateful man who was pretending to be a christian - and I have never been brave enought to say anything like that before.

I don't live close to him - my DH and I were going to move but not now. I am convinced that he only wanted me to live near him as he wants someone to be a slave for him if anything should happen to my mother.

I said to myself today that as far as I am concerned he might as well be dead.

I am 32 btw I have spent my life making allowances for this man.

DrPolidori Wed 27-Jul-11 19:03:01

Look, he is a hateful man and a rubbish father. Your mother enables him. Cutting toxic parents out of your life its not as hard as you think. You still want to see your mother? lay a few ground rules. She can come round to your house. But must never mention your dad to you. If she can't manage that then she goes too.

Harsh? Perhaps. But no one has a right to be in your life, not even parents (or especially parents)

You might find it surprisingly liberating. It doesn't have to be a drama.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear Thu 28-Jul-11 11:19:43

good advice from poster above - my guess is that he treats you like that because he knows deep down that he no longer has control over you and this enrages him - he is disrespectful and clearly has no boundaries

well done for standing up to him, you took the first step - if you want to cut him out, then do so, your life will be easier and richer for it - definitely do not move to be nearer him - I've spent a lifetime trying to stand up to my parents and I know how hard it is, but though counselling and therapy I have come through the other side and they are just not on my radar any more

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