Am I being silly feeling like this?

[SanFrancisco]

This is just a minor issue but I'd like some thoughts on it please.

DS age 13 lives with me and my DP (not his Dad). I used to enjoy watching films before I moved in with DP occassionally - maybe once a week. Was nice to sit down with DS when he was younger and have a cuddle for a couple of hours with a DVD or something recorded from the TV. It was also nice to settle down with a bar of chocolate and a grown up film when he went to bed.

I have suddenly realised that I never watch films anymore. DP doesn't seem to have the attention span and prefers to watch factual stuff and read the paper. In an ideal world he would watch sport while reading the paper but he knows I hate sport, so he will put the news on, for example. He also has to get up early for work and is often asleep on the sofa by 9.30pm anyway, which is not condusive for DVD viewing after DS goes to bed at 9pm.

When I have tried to watch films, he will dismiss the content, the storyline or get up and walk out if there is swearing or violence, but I know he has watched things like Bond and Bourne at the cinema.

Last night DS and I were watching "outnumbered" (something both DS and I can watch together) as DP was out, he came back home half way through and then muttered about the tv programme being on the same sort of level as spongebob and total rubbish etc.

Now, don't get me wrong it wouldnt be my choice if I was on my own, but then again neither would the news or the factual programmes I seem to sit through every night. I compromise for him, but I feel he doesn't want to compromise for us, although I'm sure he would say not watching sport is a compromise.

I honestly feel if I want to watch a film with DS I would have to go and watch it in DS bedroom with him or watch a film in my bedroom but then I know DP would moan about being left out too!

Feel very uncomfortable and piggy in the middle between my DS and DP, which is ridiculous over something quite trivial isn't it?

[JoleneTheNunsnetter]

Buy another remote and secretly turn the channel over when he isn't looking. He won't know what's hit him

[SanFrancisco]

I think I'm just being sensitive. I'm trying to please everyone and his sulking is actually controlling how I'm behaving and what I'm doing.

[Ephiny]

That does sound a bit annoying. I suppose it's quite trivial as problems go, but still it's not nice to feel you can't relax and watch a film in your own home without being made to feel awkward. Have you tried talking to him about it?

Sometimes DP watches films that I'm not particularly interested in, I just go and sit in the other room and read or something, it isn't a big problem. Don't understand about him sleeping on the sofa at 9pm, why doesn't he just go to bed?

[SanFrancisco]

He just falls asleep. Not every night but probably most nights. He seems to have an inability to lie in and will still be awake at 5 or 6am at weekends or holidays too. He's just not a night person. Fair enough.

The thing is I would like to watch a film but I don't because I know the experience will be ruined by his snide comments which I don't seem to have the ability to ignore. I think I need to develop a thicker skin.

[Ephiny]

I would actually ask him not to make the comments. Maybe he's just got into the habit of it and doesn't realise how annoying it is for you.

And suggest that he goes to bed a bit earlier, at least on work-nights!

[startail]

DH gets sent to his computer in the study, the DDs and I know he won't sit still and watch a film. He's been known to enjoy them on the plane or at the cinema, but at home he gets distracted.

[oldwomaninashoe]

He shouldn't be making comments about what you watch.

There are six adults in my house and we all like to watch different things as a way to relax and wind down after a day at work. We have endedup with 6 TV'sin various rooms, so there are never ant arguments, and nobody has any room to criticise each others viewing habits.

Just get another TV and leave him to snore in front of the sport

[oldwomaninashoe]

Actually we don't have ant arguments we have any

[SanFrancisco]

We have plenty of TV's but if I went off to another room to watch one while leaving him in the front room he definitely wouldn't like it and would get the hump.

[Pandemoniaa]

He seems to want it all really, doesn't he? Everyone has different tastes in films of TV programmes but in a house with more than one television, the issue is easily resolved. It's really not on to spoil your enjoyment of a film and I rather suspect he is jealous of the bond you have with your son.

[IWantWine]

He has no right to criticise your taste in films, books, or anything at all. You are entitled to watch whatever you wish.

Pandemoniaa is right, he does want it all his own way. I would suggest you set at least two evenings a week where you and your son (and your OH if he wants to join you) settle down and watch a film, like you used to do. Those memories are so precious and the children grow up so fast. Dont miss out on any of those special times.

[Fairenuff]

SanFrancisco can I ask, how long have you and your son been living with DP?

I also think 'film night' is a good idea. You could take turns to choose (appropriate to your son's age) and you all watch together so that you get used to compromising which, after all, is what family life is all about.

If DP isn't prepared to compromise then I don't really think this is just about TVs.

Btw you are not being silly about this.

[ImperialBlether]

You're really not being silly about this. I'm sorry for you and I'm sorry for your son. This is why I didn't intend to live with anyone once my ex left.

What time does your son go to bed? I think your partner should go to bed when he's tired and then you and your son can share some time together. He must miss that; it sounds as though it was a special time you shared.

[buzzsore]

He's being unreasonable - making it uncomfortable for you and your son to watch what you'd like to watch together and fussing if you go into another room. You need to stand up to him.

[BertieBotts]

"I'm trying to please everyone and his sulking is actually controlling how I'm behaving and what I'm doing."

That's the problem, really - he shouldn't be controlling what you do. It's not a problem if he likes different things, but he should be mature enough to go into a different room if he really can't stand what you're watching, and be respectful enough not to make comments over what you are watching.

I expect he wouldn't like it if you or the children were talking over his programmes, would he? So why is it okay for him to do it?

[GreenTeapot]

He seems to think the world - or at least its choice of viewing - revolves around him. You should probably point out that this isn't the case.

[SanFrancisco]

Thank you for your replies. Dp and I have been living together for a year. Sometimes ds will be watching something and dp will just turn it off because he wants to watch something else. He says ds can watch it in his room.

I think dp is trying to be the wedge between us even if it's unconscious.

I am definitely going to have a film night and address this situation. I am going to start putting my foot down a bit. I'm really lucky that ds wants to do things with me. I'm no going to let dp take that away from me anymore.

[exoticfruits]

I don't think that it is trivial, your DH is imposing his views over the household in a roughshod way and taking the highhanded view that he can because his choice is 'better'.
I am glad that you are going to put your foot down. I would sit him down and tell him that you don't care how juvenile and 'silly' he thinks your choice is, but that you and DS will have your turn.

[exoticfruits]

Tell him that it is very rude to switch programmes in the middle of something-and that is another thing that you are not putting up with in future.

[glasscompletelybroken]

I think Film Night is a good idea. Pick a night and stick to it. I am guessing you have a box where you can record things so if there is something he wants to watch on film night he can either record it and watch it another day or watch it in another room. Tell him you enjoy watching films and don't think it's fair of him to spoil it for you. You are not being silly.

[SanFrancisco]

The more I think about it, the more I think DP is deliberately negative about anything to do with DS and I'm feeling pretty rubbish about the whole situation. He doesn't encourage DS in anyway.

[Fairenuff]

Maybe it's time to have more of a general chat with DP, not just about the TV. Where does he feel he 'fits in' with the family. Is he trying to assert his authority over your son? If so, why does he feel he needs to do this? If you and DP can come to an agreement about ground rules, then you could both talk to DS about it so everyone knows what's what iyswim?

Whatever happens, he can't come 'between' you and your son and he can't make you take sides. You need to clear that he is an adult and needs to behave like one.

[SanFrancisco]

I have had chats in the past and explained to him how I want things to be, what I am comfortable with etc. He was being nothing but critical to DS and I told him I didn't want him to be my son's Dad and that's because a. he already he one and b. a Dad would love my son and praise his postive qualities.

You are not supposed to feel uncomfortable in your own house are you? I shouldn't flinch when DP and DS are in the same room because I never know what is going to be said? I shouldn't feel nervous DS might say the "wrong" thing and get a negative comment from my partner. I shouldn't be standing in the doorway when I can hear DS and DP talking because I am listening to ascertain the truth if DP comes running to me to "grass up" DS.

Something has got to give and I must stop thinking I am too sensitive. Whether I am or not, I can't live like this and although DS seems oblivious to anything being "wrong", this can't be healthy for him.

[Ephiny]

I don't think you're too sensitive, it sounds a bit of a difficult situation for all of you.

How long have you all lived together? If it's a recent thing, then maybe he needs a bit of time to get used to it (not that it excuses rude/inconsiderate behaviour of course) but if it's been a while then you need to have a proper talk, explain that you're not able to feel relaxed and comfortable in your own home and that you're not willing to go on indefinitely like this. It's not fair on you or DS.

If he has a problem with DS living there, or is having second thoughts about having the two of you move in, then he needs to say so rather than constant sniping and moaning and making life miserable for all of you. At least then it's out in the open and you can decide where to go from there...