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Letting it go....(4 Posts)
I'm hoping you lot can talk some sense into me please.. I've tried to give myself a virtual 'shake' but it's not working...
About a year ago I found out my DH was having an emotional affair for about 4 months with a woman he works with. We were going through a rough patch (I know this is no excuse for what he did). We've been together about 6 years, married for 2 with a DS.
I found out accidently, gathered evidence for a week and then confronted him with it. His reaction to it all was half of the reason I didn't kick him out on the spot. He's done all the right things since. Phoned her and broke it off immediately, changed his phone number, given me access to everything, passwords etc, taken himself off facebook (a lot of their contact was via this). He no longer works for the same company either.
We've spent some time talking about it, and I know the majority of the details, there was not anything physical (and I do pretty much believe it), however they did meet for coffee a few times and he did go round her house on an evening a few times whilst her DH was at work. Most of their contact was via email, msn, text and phone calls. He states the reason was because it gave him an ego boost, and what started off as friends, a little flirtation crossed the line and he didn't know (or want because of the thrill etc) to stop it at the time. He did reaslise it was wrong, but didn't realise what he'd lose etc until it came to the crunch.
Anyway, to stop waffling I can't seem to let it go. I can go for a week or so without it niggling at me, but over the past weeks I simply can't stop thinking about it. I can't seem to get over the hurt and betrayal. I've brought this up with him a few times over the past couple of months, but I'm even begining to bore myself with it. I don't necessarily want to forget what happened but I do now (my rational self) think it's time to let 'sleeping dogs lie' and move on. I want to feel better, I want to stop analysing everything and feeling shitty and hurt and I want to feel better about myself, get my self confidence back. I want to stop going over every detail and, almost, reliving it all the time. I find myself constantly reminded about it, the place where she lives, where he worked at the time, songs, places, times, holidays etc etc are a constant reminder and make me feel hurt. It's not affecting how I am, but it's occupying far too much of my thought time and I wonder if it's ever going to get better
Is this normal and I'm just going though a 'thinking about it patch'? Is there anything I can do to stop the thinking about it all the time - it's driving me nuts!
I've just re-read this post and I hope I'm not being too self absorbed, I partly need to offload and I'm afraid you lot have got it..
Offload away, its ok. Haven't got any advice, and don't know what is 'normal'. I think whatever you are feeling is valid, and part of a process of dealing with pain.
I really hope things get easier for you soon and that your dh understands how you are feeling, and continues to value and reassure you. It will take time.
You're completely normal. This is a long process you're going through. I came on here asking the very same question last year and I was two years down the line.
I am now nearly three years post discovery and I still find myself thinking about dates, times and conversations, usually when I'm lying in bed. It is fading away and things between us are better than they had been for a couple of years previously, so hang in there Murtle!
I got amazing help on here from the famous WWIFN - I wish she was still here to help you too. Feel free to look over my thread at what she said to me, (can't do links) because she helped me so much!
Just seen your post MURTLE and just over year from finding out bout DH's inappropriate friendship with OW (almost daily contct thro work and lots of texting flattery and flirtation that had become sexually suggestive just before discovery) and I can still gets days were it dominates my thoughts.Getting easier as we get past anniversaries eg date of discovery,wedding anniversary etc.But totally understand how you feel.Often give myself a talking to and say time to let it go-but it's not that easy is it?Like you my DH did all the right things and generally things are better than ever between us.We went to counselling -his idea.And the books suggested by MNetters helped a lot to make sense of what happened.BUT I can still feel very hurt and shaken up by it .Far more than my DH realizes I think.Altho he can generally sense when I need an extra hug-or some space.
As Christian says hang on in there.It takes a long time to rebuild trust and don't beat yourself up.Everytime I think that I'm completely over it the daftest little trigger will bring it to the forefront again.I now recognise this is often when I'm tired,busy or stressed with work etc.So now go with the flow more.Some days are great -some days it's there more but I know overall I/we are getting better all the time.All the best and keep talking to each other.x
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