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should I leave?

5 replies

shoelover · 26/07/2011 21:38

Hi, I haven't posted before, in some diffs and don't know what to do.
With DH 15 years, married 7, 2 dd, both preschool. Relationship with DH patchy at best, get on well as friends and intellectually, but little emotional or sexual interaction for past no of years. DH pretty useless husband at times, thoughtless, selfish, getting into financial diffs and drinking too much for my liking but I've always stood by him. He's a fantastic dad though.
Have developed a major crush on another man at work who I think has reciprocated my feelings, but just casual chat at present. I haven't felt this way about someone since before I met DH, but perhaps its just infatuation? I would like more with him but such guilty feelings re DH and DDs. I'm scared that I'll end up spending the rest of my life with my DH who I don't think I love. Sorry but very confused feelings about everything at the minute, can't think straight! Have talked with DH re problems and he's agreed to change but I don't know if I could be bothered with this! Giving other man mixed hot and cold messages as guilty feelings arise, still fancy the pants off him though.
Hope someone can offer some advice.

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michglas · 26/07/2011 21:44

Put this man to the side and out of your head. You owe it to your DH to see if you can work it out. Every marriage goes through phases where you think you don't love your DH anymore, but that is because you've got into a rut. You and your DH need to take time for each other again, allowing you to rediscover why you fell in love with him in the first place. It is not fair to pretend to do this with someone waiting on the sidelines, or throw a marriage away for someone who is giving you a temporary thrill of feeling desired again. Talk to your DH and see what you can do to reconnect again.

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Hassled · 26/07/2011 21:48

Re the other man - you're right, it is a crush and that's nothing. It's not love or even proper lust - there's just someone nice and attractive who's paying you attention. It will probably pass - you're receptive because things are shit at home at the moment. Don't make it into a bigger deal than it is.

You need to sort out your marriage, or at least get to the point where you know without any doubt that it can't be sorted out. Take your time, go and see Relate (either alone or together). Just don't complicate things further with the Crush Guy - stay away.

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shoelover · 26/07/2011 21:51

Thankyou so much for replying to my thread. In my heart I know you are right but its really tough as I see and talk to this desirable man(!) every day. I was trying to avoid him really and managed for about a week but, bam, bumped into him again and felt a rush of emotion. I suppose its really exciting and addictive and life has been so boring for so long!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2011 09:18

Shoelover

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Be honest with yourself here.

What would your advice be to a friend in this situation?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Another question is what you are both teaching your children about relationships here. They are learning from the two of you. You're both unhappy in different ways and the children pick up on all of it.

The "fantastic dad" comment is the usual default position women in your type of situation adopt re utterly selfish and inconsiderate men as some sort of sop for the crap he has put you through. He is patently not a fantastic dad nor H if he has put you all through the wringer like this; no wonder you've been looking elsewhere for attention, attention your H should have been giving you all along.

This other man is a red herring who you need to ignore but you certainly have real problems within your marriage hence the attraction to this other man now.

Do you think your H will at heart change (these men rarely if ever change) or is he paying lip service to the problems, have you heard these types of promises before from him?. Would the two of you go to Relate; at the very least I feel you need to go there on your own if he turns out to be unwilling to go.

Where do you see yourself in a years time?.

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shoelover · 27/07/2011 20:32

Thanks again for your reply.I agree that we have real problems within this marriage and yes we have had numerous discussions in the past re him 'changing' but nothing ever does. DH seems perfectly content most of the time, except when he gets sexually frustrated and then we argue and I get blamed for having a poor sex drive. But really I know that I don't fancy him anymore and he makes no effort at all to woo me. Thus attention from someone else is very flattering, its made me feel alive again and like an attractive woman.