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Possible father of my child gone totally AWOL

(84 Posts)
99to1 Tue 26-Jul-11 18:26:01

For reasons too complicated to go into, there are two possible fathers of my 6 month foetus. I know it's bad so there's no point judging me as I've done that enough for everyone.

One is 99% likely to be the dad (I'll call him 99)
One is 1% likely to be the dad (I'll call him 1)

99 doesn't know about 1, and is totally behind me, wants to be supportive, wants the child, wants a full on relationship marriage etc He has no idea that there is any chance the baby isn't his. I'm 99% sure he is the dad because we were having a lot of unprotected sex around the time I conceived. I want him to be the dad.

1 does know about 99. When I told him I was pg it never even crossed his, or my, mind that he could be the dad (it was a one-off and we'd used a condom). Then my doubts started creeping in and I told him about them. He told me not to be so ridiculous but that if it did turn out that way he'd be totally there for me. I last saw him in June when I again mentioned my worries, he replied "God are you still on about that? what's it matter anyway, 99 will never know". I was a bit stunned by this as it obviously matters, there is no way I would have 99 unknowingly bringing up another man's child. Since that meeting I've heard nothing. Our friendship had complicated dynamics around our history together, but it was a genuine friendship and there was love. For the past few years he has been pestering me to start a relationship with him but I told him it wasn't going to happen (mainly because of 99). I am stunned he could be so heartless and unsupportive at this time, in addition to being surprised that he wouldn't jump at the chance to get what he wants even if it's because of an unplanned pregnancy. It takes two to tango and I want him to face up to it since I have to too.

It seems like 1 has slunk away from our friendship and is hoping to slink away from his responsibilities as a father, if he is the father. I want to make sure this doesn't happen but I don't know how to handle it. I can only really communicate with 1 now by text or phone, or MSN/email as we never have cause to see each other. As I say, since June he has been incommunicado. Alternatively I think it's possible that he is totally convinced that 99 is the father, and he is finding that hard to deal with, and that might be why he's gone AWOL. I could be wrong.

Notwithstanding that none of you would've been stupid enough to get into this situation in the first place, what would you do?

molepom Tue 26-Jul-11 18:31:12

1 is a waste of space and if you did use a condon, chances are it's not him anyway as long as it hasnt split or other things along those lines.

molepom Tue 26-Jul-11 18:31:29

condon? condom even.

BelleDameSansMerci Tue 26-Jul-11 18:31:37

I'd think myself well shot of him and glad I found out before the baby is born. Seriously, it sounds like he said the right things but doesn't want to do them...

There is a lot to this post that I'm avoiding but I will ask why you want 1 around anyway? What are you hoping is the outcome here? It does sound as if you really want him to be the father.

99to1 Tue 26-Jul-11 18:35:40

Agree he's a waste of space. It didn't split, to my mind at the time it was completely successful protection. 1% is probably too high, but there is always that doubt and I would like to know that 1 would step up if needs be. I thought I was infertile so I was shocked to be pregnant at all.

So you just think I should leave it be and hope/assume the baby will come out looking like 99?

Lady1nTheRadiator Tue 26-Jul-11 18:37:10

Honestly? I'd tell 99 the whole story and ask for a DNA test. I don't really see an other option.

99to1 Tue 26-Jul-11 18:37:38

* I will ask why you want 1 around anyway? What are you hoping is the outcome here? It does sound as if you really want him to be the father* I assure you I don't but it's a good question. I want him around if it's his child because I feel that's only right, if it isn't then I never want to see him again after the way he's behaved. I desperately hope that 99 is the father.

99to1 Tue 26-Jul-11 18:40:15

If I tell 99 the whole story I don't believe our relationship (which it is now) would survive. It could be an unnecessary ending of what has real hope of being a great family, because I think the chances are well in the favour of 99 being the dad anyway.

activate Tue 26-Jul-11 18:41:40

I think you're a drama queen looking for attention to be honest

you had unprotected sex with one man and sex using a condom with another

why the fuck would you imagine the condom sex is the father

TeamDamon Tue 26-Jul-11 18:43:53

Am I the only one who feels sorry for 99?

99to1 Tue 26-Jul-11 18:44:38

well thanks activate, if nothing else that's put my mind at rest a bit!

Reality Tue 26-Jul-11 18:45:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

99to1 Tue 26-Jul-11 18:45:59

no TeamDamon, you're not sad
I've been stupid and learned a valuable lesson

mumatron Tue 26-Jul-11 18:46:48

How are you planning to find out who the dad is?

Are you just hoping baby will look like 99?

What if baby looks like you? confused

99to1 Tue 26-Jul-11 18:47:21

thanks Reality, good to hear these views
I only thought it was possible as the dates add up, which they do with 99 too... nothing else makes me think it.

ImperialBlether Tue 26-Jul-11 18:47:58

My thoughts exactly, activate. Bad enough that you were unfaithful. Here's your opportunity to keep quiet, cause as little pain as possible and let 99 be the father he wants to be. If I were you I would never get in touch with 1 again.

99to1 Tue 26-Jul-11 18:48:36

mumatron I have no idea...
i suppose there's ways it might be obvious - different blood group or something

otherwise I'll have to do a DNA test

99to1 Tue 26-Jul-11 18:50:03

Imperial good points well made

activate Tue 26-Jul-11 18:50:25

Looking at this as a simple maths problem

lets say the time period = 1 week

lets say you slept with "99" 5 times

and with "1" 1 time with a condom, now a condom is 99% effective

so mathetically its 5 * 99 = 495

so your chances are 495 to 1 that "99" is the parent and 1 in 495 or 0.2% that 1 is the father

and even then that's a ridiculous thing to be worried about

oldqueenie Tue 26-Jul-11 18:50:29

well what do you think you should do? what do you want to do? do you plan just not to know for sure who your dc's father is? do you think you'll be able to tell when she / he is born? you can't pretend / unknow that you have these uncerntainties can you. don't you think too that your child will have a right to know this rather important information about his or her identity? these things have a habit of coming back to bite you in the bum... your child might need emergency suregery and it turns out their blood group means they can be 99's child etc....

doggiesdoggiesdoggies Tue 26-Jul-11 18:51:32

I think 99 should be renamed 99.99999999, myself

Not really appropriate, but I love your name 99to1. Sorry..eeeeek smile

oldqueenie Tue 26-Jul-11 18:53:21

... what i really wanted to point out as well is that since you have decided these doubts are real enough to share with '1' you can't just un have them can you? they need to be resolved by you or they are going to affect all these relationships... with 99 / with dc / with yourself!

99to1 Tue 26-Jul-11 18:59:59

you can't pretend / unknow that you have these uncerntainties can you oldqueenie - exactly... I absolutely think my child has a right to know and I will have to one way or the other find out for sure, no matter how ridiculously small the chances are, otherwise I can never relax fully within my current relationship

I'm loving the maths and the sensible outsider perspective on this - thank you

PaigeTurner Tue 26-Jul-11 19:09:53

Is 1 really being heartless? You are pregnant to a man you are now in a relationship with - and presumably he thinks you should be concentrating on that?

99to1 Tue 26-Jul-11 19:14:17

Paige that is possible, and I suppose he's being more rational than me about the odds involved. But given my doubts and my need to know he'd be there for me if the worst was true, I find it heartless that he would just vanish.

I think for a time I thought we would just be able to carry on being friends like we were before we slept together, but now reality has dawned I realise I'm better off without him in my life even as a friend.

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