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Feel so hurt, just too sensitive, but still hate myself and want to run away

(22 Posts)
justwanttobeleftalone Tue 26-Jul-11 18:13:26

I know this is going to sound rather self-indulgent, but I really, really am upset at the minute (so much that my one-year old DD is looking concerned).

Basically I've always been jealous of my sister. She's one year younger than me, and was a 'daddy's girl' - leaving me with no one, as my mum had MH problems after brother was born.

When I was pregnant with my son (20 yrs ago), she used to parade around in her undies, asking if my then BF thought she was sexy. This upset me so much (as I was insecure & felt like an heffalump), that I then had a problem with her. Whenever male friends meet her after they used to comment on how attractvie we both were.

Things escalated when a BF of mine said that if he'd met my sister before me he may have preferred her... then went on to name his first-born DD the same name as my sister (with his wife - not me obviously... we'd split up).

When I met DH he was like a breath of fresh air... He was really infatuated with me, when he met my sister he said that he'd "got the best looking sister" and how lucky he was etc... and also thought I was younger (which most people have).

Anyway having had DD last year (and gaining a LOT of weight) and being 23 weeks pregnant now (having not lost more than 2 stone of the excess weight), I feel a lot more insecure (there are other things apart from hormones).

At my DD's party a month ago, sis came & DH sat outside with her the whole time, and when she came in - so did he! I got so upset that my friends had to comfort me when I went upstairs crying... just couldn't believe that he used to slag her off (making me secretly happy) and then couldn't stay away from her. My mum told me not to worry as DH was not her type - which upset me more, as in a way I felt that if she did want him she could...

Yesterday my parents said they were thinking of having a big party for her 40th birthday next week... this upset me as they ignored my birthday last year, as they went out for a meal with my sister and her son (his birthday was in January mind).

I told DH how much it upset me that my sister's 40th was being treated as special, whereas mine was ignored (parents didn't even get me a present), and he told me not to let if get to me.

Today he has just broken my heart. He asked me if my sister had any 'O' Levels - then said "oh no she'd be far too young"... and I pointed out that she was the same age as him (he was 40 2 weeks ago) and he KNOWS THIS - I've TOLD HIM REPEATEDELY!!!!

He then said to me that he thought she was much younger than me "at least 5 years and to be honest I thought she was 10 years younger than you".

Now OK, it could be just a tactless male forgetfulness thing - however he ALWAYS told me how I looked younger than her... and I've told him over & again that she & him are the same age.

What is worse is he never even said that I don't look my age.... and hasn't for ages, nor does he EVER want to come to bed with me anymore.

I've taken him off my friend's list on Facebook as I really, really don't think I can get over this... all my insecurities have resurfaced. He's said to me that my sister (who's just a YEAR younger) looks 10 years younger & I look my age.

I just wish I would die, I really do, I'm so upset that I will NEVER be special to a man - my sister will always win

justwanttobeleftalone Tue 26-Jul-11 18:20:32

The other thing that has really upset me recently is - his continued friendship with a woman he used to sleep with - having her in our house when I was out & going to hers for hours at a time... (I did explain that in another thread under a different user name).

He didn't want the baby I'm pregnant with, and I can't help but think it's only because he didn't want to stay with me, and now feels trapped

RabbitPie Tue 26-Jul-11 18:34:19

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Miggsie Tue 26-Jul-11 18:39:27

I don't think you are being too sensitive, you clearly are being treated very badly by your parents. sounds like your sister is the "golden child" in the family. Are you constantly told you are too sensitive by the family? If so there is a very unhealthy dynamic here and it isn't you, it is them. They are clearly bullying you.

I'd recommend you read up on toxic parents and the stuff about scapegoat/golden child within families is covered quite well here and also here.

This will help you see that this is nothing to do with you, your family are at fault. This way you can start to get away from their bullying.

justwanttobeleftalone Tue 26-Jul-11 18:45:19

Thanks to you both.

Rabbitpie - you have a good point, but things were going south anyway. The other night when (the only time in ages) he did want some 'intimacy', it was awful... he got me to give him a BJ (intercourse is no longer on the agenda), but when it came to pleasuring me I had to stop it - I felt nothing... it just felt 'wrong'... and this was before he said what he did today.

Irregardless of my family's dynamics, I still feel that for DH to say that my sister looks 10 years younger than me was out of order... in the past he's always said how he thought I was younger, but now in his eyes I'm obviously old & ugly... and he when I pointed out my sister was only a year younger he didn't have to say he thought she was much younger - he should have known it wouldn't go down well..

Hassled Tue 26-Jul-11 18:45:31

I think the problem isn't your sister, but your parents and the fact that your upbringing has left you cripplingly insecure. Think about it logically - has your sister ever flirted with a partner of yours? Ever done anything at all untoward? How much of this is in your head, or down to your parents' actions, and how much is actually down to your sister's actions?

Your DH has been a twat, and really needs to learn to think before he speaks. That doesn't mean you're not special to him. And that doesn't mean your sister has done anything wrong. He's just been bloody thoughtless.

I think you need to go to your GP and ask if you can be referred for some counselling. You have to work out why you're so insecure, and learn how to be happy with who you are.

Laquitar Tue 26-Jul-11 18:48:43

You are angry (very rightly) at your parents but you get it out on your dh and sister.
It was wrong for your parents to ignore your birthday and you are reasonable to be upset. But please dont let this to cause argument with your dh, let him support you.

justwanttobeleftalone Tue 26-Jul-11 18:50:46

Hassled - yes my sister has flirted with partner's of mine... in fact she made a big deal that a male friend of hers (who I had a relationship with) always wanted her, and always fancied her more than me.

She also did dress in her undies and ask my then BF if he thought she was sexy, whilst I was heavily pregnant

Laquitar Tue 26-Jul-11 18:52:42

Sorry, i've just read the rest.

Are you sure he didn't mean that she behaves like she is younger? Or she lives like younger. Is she single/no childen?

Hassled Tue 26-Jul-11 18:54:35

Sorry - I missed that. Looks like you're not alone being insecure, though - she has her own issues, doesn't she, to behave like that. You don't need that sort of validation/"yes you're hot" if you have any self-confidence. Again, the issue is with your parents.

justwanttobeleftalone Tue 26-Jul-11 21:23:21

No he said she looked younger - she has a 10 yr old son, and is getting divorced.

He's also just grabbed me by the neck and hurt me when he realised that I'd taken him off facebook & won't listen when I try to tell him how unhappy I am (with his friend, my sister, him ogling other girls (mainly teenage)).

mummytime Tue 26-Jul-11 21:45:31

Okay if he grabbed you by the neck have you contacted Women's aid? I think you need a lot of help, and your H isn't giving you any support (and that sounds abusive).
You need to get some counselling, whether through Women's aid or via your GP. There seems to be a lot moe going on here.

Laquitar Tue 26-Jul-11 22:28:11

Oh Gosh, please ignore my previous post.

It sounds as he knows your insecurities about your family and he just beats you where he knows that it will hurts you sad

RabbitPie Tue 26-Jul-11 22:29:03

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Inertia Tue 26-Jul-11 23:23:53

Just, the more you post the more worrying it sounds.

I agree that you need to speak to somebody neutral, because it sounds as though your husband and your entire family have been treating you very shabbily for years, and you seem to have lost sight of what should be acceptable.

Your H grabbing you by the neck and hurting you is downright dangerous; it's also physical abuse- and you are pregnant with a baby which you say he doesn't want. This is often a situation which triggers violence from abusive men- Women's Aid could advise you about how best to move forward from this. His behaviour- ogling teenage girls (in itself, very worrying), following your sister around, making spiteful comments to you- all seems designed to punish you while you are feeling vulnerable.

Your parents have clearly favoured your sister, which must feel incredibly hurtful. No wonder she acts like a trollop around your partners- she has had a lifetime of feeling entitled to have whatever you've got and then some.

I'm really sorry that there's nobody out of the lot of them that you can rely on.

Fenella1212 Wed 27-Jul-11 12:00:52

What a horrible situation, OP. Your parents have really done a number on you, making you feel unwanted and favouring your sister. Now your (D)H is taking advantage of knowing you so well and is pushing your buttons to make you feel shit about yourself and is also getting abusive when you take steps to protect yourself from hurt. So sorry you are going through this.

I hope you can find the help you need, whether through your GP or Women's Aid or both, to help you get the future you need and deserve.

Oh you poor thing. Your parents have done you no favours over the years, and sadly your H is an abuser who enjoys pushing your buttons. Like all abusers, he knows where your weak spot is, and now he's upping the abuse of you because he's decided he can.
As others say, get in touch with Women's Aid for help and advice. You don't deserve to be bullied and hurt like this. You are worth far more.

justwanttobeleftalone Wed 27-Jul-11 12:20:00

Thanks. I just wanted to add that my sister came round one evening earlier this year. She was heavier than me - even at that time - yet she proceeded to tell me how flabby I looked compared to her, as she looked "toned".

Her husband had an affair (which she retaliated by doing the same), and during this visit she told me that she could understand her husband having an affair if she "looked like you"! Needless to say this comment devastated me (and was ridiculous when you consider that Cheryl Cole's been cheated on - so baby weigh IMHO don't make men have affairs! Still for a supposedly loving & supportive sister, this comment was horrible - basically saying that I deserved to have a man cheat (or if DH did cheat it would be understandable) because my baby weight was 'flabbier' than her toned adipose!

She then spent the rest of the night chatting to DH in the kitchen (we had a few friends round too)... I was really miserable... maybe unreasonably, but she'd just told me that I was less toned & looked worse than her, then spent the evening flirting with DH... a few days later she asked him to help her look at cars - I have to admit I did say if he went then I'd not be happy (bearing in mind that she's never let her BFs/DH help our family out).

I had a BF (as a teen) that was a friend of hers. She took great delight recently, in telling me that he confessed to her that he always fancied her... maybe it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did, it tainted memories of a young romance - strange thing is he had plenty of opportunity to ask her out - before & after me - yet they'd always seemed just friends to me (no wistful glances in her direction from him that I recall). She also says that everyone of her friend's husbands has faniced her... I guess I'm selfish in wanting a man who just wants me, and doesn't want to help her, say how young she looks etc.

HampstersDontSwim Wed 27-Jul-11 12:25:33

Your parents started this cycle of abuse and you (through no falt of your own) have found yourself with a H who is abusive.

You really should call womans aid because you cannot trust your own judgment on how you should be treated by others -how could you? Youve been treated like crap all your life and now it seem normal and is expcted.

You are pg and your H hurt you.
This is verry far from ok.

Fenella1212 Wed 27-Jul-11 12:38:38

Two things, OP. Firstly, she is NOT a 'supposedly loving and supportive sister', she is a leech with a monumental ego. Secondly, you are NOT selfish in wanting a man who will look to you first instead of using said sister's monumental ego to hurt you.

It is terribly difficult to see yourself as a worthy human being when you have been brought up to believe differently. I was raised in a very similar family dynamic to you. I won't go into details because this is your thread not mine (maybe I'll start one of my own!), but please believe me, you are worth far more respect and love than you are getting from anyone in your family right now.

vegetariandumpling Wed 27-Jul-11 13:27:51

OP do you still love/care about your H? Is there some benefit to staying with him?

Sorry you're having a rough time sad. Fwiw you are definately not being oversensitive, and your family and H should be trying to understand your feelings rather than simply dismissing them as being 'oversensitive'.

Ephiny Wed 27-Jul-11 14:01:32

I think the stuff with your sister you just need to let go. There's no point 'confronting' your parents about unfair treatment when you were children (or even ongoing) IMO. You're an adult now, a grown woman with a family of your own, and they should not be a major part of your life any more, or have any power to upset you.

The situation with your husband though...that does not sound good. When I read your OP I thought maybe his comment was just the sort of forgetful, careless thing that people do say sometimes. But if you really think he said it to hurt you, knowing that it was not true and it was a sensitive area for you, then that's awful.

And the physical abuse is completely, 100%, unambigiously wrong. It is never, ever OK for him to attack and hurt his pregnant wife like that, no matter what you might have done. If he's reacting like that to something as trivial as you blocking him on Facebook, I'd be seriously concerned about what he's capable of. Has he done anything like that before? Do you feel safe being in the house with him - if not is there anywhere else you can go? I agree with others about calling Women's Aid. Personally think you could report to the police actually.

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