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Should I stay or should I go?

(36 Posts)
StandingHere Tue 26-Jul-11 10:27:49

Name changer here. Sorry, this is long...would appreciate any thoughts from you wise women (and men).

I've got myself into a situation and I genuinely don't know what to do about it. I've been separated for about 18 months (quick background my H left me for a colleague and they are now living together, we have a 2.5 year old DD who we share parenting with - I was utterly devastated at the time but am now moving on from it.)

A couple of months ago I met a bloke when I was out and we swapped phone numbers. I felt at the time like I was ready to meet someone new (I hadn't been interested until this point) and was flattered when he kept texting me but wasn't sure about meeting up again. I signed up for a couple of internet sites and went on a few dates but nothing came of them - it was just fun getting out and meeting people. This bloke was persistent though and eventually about a month later I finally agreed to go and meet him again. We had a brilliant time and ended up spending the night together. He told me things were complicated in his life and the more I got to know him the more I realised how true this was. He is still living with his ex, has a child and lots of other issues with complicated family etc. He's had a really hard upbringing and doesn't seem to have many people who genuinely put his needs first or who he can even talk to about anything. His mates are not what he calls 'proper friends' (he lost touch with them when he moved to a new area) and there are things he has never told anyone about before he met me. Over the last few weeks it has got more and more intense and he has told me he loves me. I have started falling in love with him too, and really feel like we might be able to have a future together, but the current situation is so difficult that we can't be a 'normal' couple and have proper time together - it's always a few hours here and there followed by stress and recriminations when he goes home. And then last night he dropped the bombshell - well, I guessed. I thought there was something strange about the fact that his ex was always on his back, and when he said he had something to tell me the penny dropped - she's pregnant and due to give birth soon.

He has assured me that they are split up - he has even told her a couple of times that he is leaving but can't do it in practical terms (nowhere to go, no money, mortgage etc) or emotionally (doesn't want to leave his son or ask his ex to move in with family which would be the only option). From what he has told me she is very confrontational and is always shouting and swearing at him in front of their DS, telling him that he's a shit dad etc. He spends as little time at home as possible anyway, because he can't stand being there, although this may have gotten worse since we met each other, which I feel terrible about. Without going into too much detail I don't believe that they have any long-term future together, but my dilemma is whether I should just back the hell out and keep away for a few months while he deals with the situation or stay in his life and be supportive. I can't really find any way to justify distracting his attention from a newborn baby, however he feels about his ex I think he needs to concentrate on his children for a while. But - and of course there's a but - I feel really strongly about him and want to be there for him. Am I kidding myself? Can any good come of this situation?

RabbitPie Tue 26-Jul-11 10:36:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

echt Tue 26-Jul-11 10:41:46

Sorry to hear you're so attached, but really; get rid.

Notice how she's the hassle yet he held out on vital info about her pregnancy?

If your DD was grown-up and came to you with this story, what would you say/do? That's your bottom line.

technotronic Tue 26-Jul-11 10:44:22

does the 'ex' know about you - have you met her?

StandingHere Tue 26-Jul-11 10:52:19

He says the reason he is telling me now is because he has fallen for me and needs me to know what the situation is so that I can make a decision about whether I want to stick around. He acknowledges that I would be better off without him and I think he is expecting me to walk away, although it's clearly not what he wants. He says he really didn't expect to meet anyone and feel like this about them and it would've been easier for him to just dump me/tell me that he needs some space but he wanted to do things 'the right way' (which I get what he means, even though I think he should have told me sooner).

And no, the ex doesn't know about me - and I don't want her to at the moment. She seems like the type to pitch up at my door and start a row and I'm not into drama like that.

RabbitPie Tue 26-Jul-11 10:57:09

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ItLookHardToStartNewLife Tue 26-Jul-11 10:59:49

hmm this remind me of my (ex)H,

I wouldn't be surprise he is lying his wife that you only his friend and telling lies to you to be separated from his wife.

Get rid off asap!

sleepindogz Tue 26-Jul-11 11:03:02

i am always suspicious of woe is me, I am a victim, everyone has it in for me, its a conspiracy against me type of people

i think if everyone has fallen out with someone, there is a reason and there is one common denominator

Run like fuck, this man is a self-obsessed parasite and quite possibly a money-pit as well. Red flags all the way through - he 'loves'you more than anyone else, no one else understands him (no one understands him means: everyone else has invested enough time and money in him and got nothign for it). A mate of mine had a DP like this for a while, I think she ended up a couple of thousand quid the poorer. It subsequently came out that this bloke had done it to several other women - anyone whose XPs are all evil is a person with a problem, anyone who's always been 'betrayed/let down/hurt' by partners is a failed human being, the problem is with them and they are vampires.
Ditch and run. He's not your problem, you owe him nothing.

OH and FFS DON'T fall for the passive-aggressive, emotional-blackmail double whammy stuff of 'I'm no good for you! but I love you!' Just say, 'I can't cope with you, bye.'

Portofino Tue 26-Jul-11 11:03:43

He is playing you like a violin imho. Ex - my arse! He is obviously still sleeping with her and having fun with you on the side. Ditch him pronto.

fluffyanimal Tue 26-Jul-11 11:09:11

Hmmm, well life is sometimes messy and complicated, it's not always a reason to ditch a relationship. I think only you can know if he is really genuine or not. I'd be inclined to try to be supportive of him, but lay down some non-negotiable ground rules, e.g. he doesn't use you as an excuse not to see his children; you take your relationship slowly, no moving in together or any joint financial commitments, etc. If it were me, I think I would also want him to tell his wife as a sign that he was serious about you and definitely finished with her.

Just because it's complicated and messy, doesn't mean things can't work out in the long run. But it will take determination and strong boundaries, and it won't always be fun. If you are up for that, then fair play to you OP. smile

AnotherMumOnHere Tue 26-Jul-11 11:12:48

................. and also drip feeding you what sounds like a lot of false information !

Run like the clappers and DONT LOOK BACK !

Enjoy the rest of your life without this parasite.

pictish Tue 26-Jul-11 11:16:21

Sounds like he is having an affair with you.

He also sounds like a dishonest, manipulative, self pitying, attention seeking, responsibility shirking emotional vampire.

I say run.

jinxediam Tue 26-Jul-11 11:24:50

Cut all ties until his situation is clear, if in 12 months he is living separate lives from his family then go ahead, otherwise you have a very emotional sapping future ahead of you. Not fair on anyone-least of all the poor new baby brought in to all of this mess sad

CaptainNancy Tue 26-Jul-11 11:32:40

I'm sorry Standing, but it does not seem that she is his 'ex' in any way whatsoever. Please forget about him and find someone better.

DHwonTheDadsRace Tue 26-Jul-11 11:33:58

You do appreciate that you are the Other Woman, don't you?
He is being an appalling father.
And an appalling husband/partner.
Any wife would be shouting and yelling at him - he is horrible.
Cut all ties, run like the wind, and do not go back to him even when/if it appears that he is free from his wife, because he has tried to deceive you as well as her. This is what he is like. He is not a victim of his circumstances.

StandingHere Tue 26-Jul-11 12:03:37

Well I think some of the comments on here are harsh - he is not playing the victim at all, nor does he blame all of his problems on other people. There is no question of him moving in with me or sponging money off me (a. I'm not stupid and b. it's never even been mentioned). That's not what the issue is here. But I do now feel like the OW whereas I didn't before. If he did tell his wife about me I think she'd find ways to prevent him from seeing the kids so I don't want that. Guess I need to back out and let him deal with the situation.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 26-Jul-11 14:17:25

It seems that all you know about his ex is what you have been told about her. He may well be spinning you a line here and you're now well into him too which is what he has wanted all the way along.

I also see a lot of red flags here with regards to him, I think he has played you very well actually. Such men actually hate women and are masters of manipulation.

WibblyBibble Tue 26-Jul-11 14:36:45

Why on earth would you want to go out with a man who abandons his pregnant wife anyway? Don't you realise he'd probably do the same to you in a few years? You are right that he needs to concentrate on his children, but if he was a good person he wouldn't need to be told that and wouldn't be looking for a relationship at such a time.

WibblyBibble Tue 26-Jul-11 14:40:04

"She seems like the type to pitch up at my door and start a row and I'm not into drama like that."

Er, the way to show you're not into drama like that is to not shag men with pregnant wives! I know you didn't know this in the first place, so obviously it's his fault for being a lying dickhead, but now you know, there really is no excuse to go on with it unless you actually do like drama. She'd have every right to be annoyed with you if you carried on seeing him tbh.

pictish Tue 26-Jul-11 22:15:54

Always be very wary of men who are negative about their ex wives.
Derogatory comments, allusions of mental health problems, playing the victim.
All bad.

Look, someone who has no friends and all of whose XPs are horrible, is someone who is a bad person and a loser. No one is that unlucky. Either he's such a taker and such a PITA that everyone else has just cut and run, or (and perhaps more likely) he is keeping you away from people who might point out his serious faults.
Oh, and he's not asking you for money yet, that's all on that one.

JaceyBee Tue 26-Jul-11 22:36:41

Yeah I have to agree, this doesn't sound good at all. And there may be a genuine reason why someone doesn't have any friends but 90% of the time it's because they're a bit of an arse. Or at the very least just not a lot of fun to be around.

I think you're alarm bells are ringing for a reason, this man is not as single as he makes out. I'm not surprised his wife shouts at him and calls him a shit dad, as far as she's concerned he's off seeing another women while living with her and about to become a dad again. He is being a shit dad.

I know I'm making a judgement based on very little info but tbh he sounds like he's gonna be way more trouble than he's worth. Sorry. You will meet someone better though.

HerHissyness Tue 26-Jul-11 23:01:45

Ok then... let's play RED FLAG BINGO!

He told me things were complicated in his life - RED FLAG small one but enough to prick one's ears up.

He is still living with his ex, has a child - RED FLAG

she's pregnant and due to give birth soon - FFS woman RED FLAG

He's had a really hard upbringing - aw shucks - setting you up for a world of excuses for abuse/mistreatment - RED FLAG

No friends - RED FLAG

Relationship got more and more intense and he has told me he loves me. - RED FLAG

From what he has told me she is very confrontational - THEY ALL BAD MOUTH THEIR EXES - RED FLAG

Always shouting and swearing at him in front of their DS, telling him that he's a shit dad etc. - YEP, he IS a shit dad, she has every justification to call him out on it - RED FLAG

He spends as little time at home as possible anyway, because he can't stand being there, - SEE ABOVE RED FLAG

OP, you are not stupid, not at all, after all you have come here to ask us what we think... But are you seriously going to fall for this - quite literally speaking -*cock and bull shit *

Seriously, I give you WAY more credit for intelligence than that! YOU ARE THE OW, like it or not. He met you, saw your vulnerability, got your number, and bedded you.

Time to get him the famous ONE WAY TICKET TO THE FAR SIDE OF FUCK!

fluffyanimal Wed 27-Jul-11 09:20:21

" someone who has no friends and all of whose XPs are horrible, is someone who is a bad person and a loser"

I have to take issue with that statement. Imagine this was a woman: because of various self-esteem issues she veers from one disastrous partner choice to another, many of whom control her and alienate her from her friends; her other friends get fed up of trying to help her and just distance themselves anyway. If this woman came on MN asking for advice, she'd get loads of sympathy - maybe some plain speaking, but nobody would call her a bad person and a loser. Why can we not accept that this scenario can also happen to men? If no man ever gave my hypothetical woman a chance, it would be so sad. The converse is also true.

I'm not saying the red flag scenario isn't possible, just that it isn't the only possibility.

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