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wifes libido, what's happend to it?

(134 Posts)
lightning02 Tue 26-Jul-11 10:01:15

Well, where do I start? We?ve been married 15 years, have two beautiful primary school age kiddies and we always had what I would call a decent relationship and sex life.
Recently though things have taken a turn for the worse and have no idea of what to do to get things back on track.

We still have sex, even though it?s not as often as I would like, but it always seems hard work. I feel that she partakes to just get it out of the way.

Initiation is 99.9% from me. Kissing isn?t allowed (only if she?s drunk!!),no oral for me, infact she doesn?t like my face near hers, she doesn?t move much and when we?ve finished she seems really agitated! Morning sex is a thing of the past. ?She says it puts her in a mood for the rest of the day!!

I get turned down regulaly and told to accept it.

2 years ago, she did go through a really horny stage,(after both kids were born) whereby she wanted it at any given moment. I relished this and never ever said no. I?d love her to be like this again (even if it wasn?t as often). Just for the fact that I can feel wanted by her and not some dirty perv who always makes the first move!

The thing is is that I love her more than anything and I find her really attractive, but can?t help but feel that if this goes on for much longer, we?ll probably end up going our separate ways.

We have, as far as I am aware of, no underlying issues. We have sat down numerous times and discussed this, but it only ends in arguments, so I tend to just keep it to myself now and walk round a bit deflated. Our household chores are split evenly, infact I probably tend to do more.

I really don?t know what to do to get things back on track, that?s if they ever will. The talking method doesn?t seem to work. The silent method, does raise her attention that something isn?t right, but that obviously isn?t a good way to help this issue. We can?t go down that line for the rest of our lives!! It sounds awful, but the more I get pushed away and rejected the more distant I feel.

Should I just not focus on this, lay off the sex and hope eventually she regains her libido and want?s me again?

Any advice would be great!

4merlyknownasSHD Tue 26-Jul-11 10:04:15

Relate! Book yourselves in today.

CaptainNancy Tue 26-Jul-11 10:05:31

You have to talk to her, I'm sorry, but she is the only one who knows if there is a problem.

Velvetunderground Tue 26-Jul-11 10:29:18

Go to Relate they are really good about getting you both to communicate with each other.

lightning02 Tue 26-Jul-11 10:37:20

not sure about relate. Know people who've been down that line and have come out the other end worse!

we've tried talking numerous times but never seem to get anywhere other than having an argument.....ohh bother!

barbiegrows Tue 26-Jul-11 10:41:10

Hi Lightning - very wise to seek advice on this from a bunch of feisty women, you will get a straight answer and quite a few answers that are too straight for comfort.

Basically you have answered your own question. Lay off the sex until she is ready. Totally, for now. If she's not wanting intimacy even on a non-sexual level you must back off. For her, you being close is making her feel uncomfortable.

Once you have done this for a while I am sure the reason behind her responses will become apparent. All you then have to do is listen to what she has to say, carefully. More than likely there is something going on in your relationship that is making her feel defensive toward you. Either you are draining her, hurting her feelings, or she is tired perhaps, she may be ill. Treat her as your friend for a while and don't take it personally that she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Think about what it is you really want - someone to have sex with or someone to have a relationship with? Your post is implying that this is her fault, that there is something wrong with her. She's unhappy about something, you need to find out if there's something you can do to help her (or you if needs be). In the meantime back right off.

Velvetunderground Tue 26-Jul-11 10:44:27

I think its about the councilor - if they are good then they will help but its all down to the both of you. If she is hiding something then only she can tell you. Has she told you what the problem is at all?

There is a way of talking that gets your point across but does not upset the other person. If she is sensatoive about things she may feel defensive towards you for rasining a problem she does not want to face yet.

There needs to be an atmosphare of trust, love and understanding to be open and honest with each other with out the fear of repurcustions/come backs.

Relate does not work miracles, it just open ups the communication between you both. If at the end you find out what the problem is and it can't be fixed relate can help with the separtion or devoice.

There is no point in guessing what the problem is you need her to tell you.

niceguy2 Tue 26-Jul-11 10:46:15

I always say that sex is a very good barometer for the health of your relationship.

Sounds to me like your wife's heart isn't in the relationship anymore and is going through the motions out of duty.

I agree that you should suggest Relate. And those who have come out the other end worse, probably were destined for that anyway.

To be blunt, you could end up that way too unless she is willing to work at it and at the very least tell you whats on her mind.

fruitshootsandheaves Tue 26-Jul-11 10:49:31

Your DW sounds like me blush TBH I just can't be bothered with it! I just want to sleep. If she feels like me I imagine that the same old drudge of the day is just wearing her down. I think i may be slightly depressed too which doesn't help. Just finished college, struggling to find a job and trying to clear out my dad's house of 40 years of junk memories.
I can always tell if DH is in the mood because he gets over attentive which turns me off even more as he acts completely different.
Maybe you should try taking her out for an evening or weekend and getting some of the old spark back. I can sympathise with her, my libido pack up and moved out about 8 years ago!

BertieBotts Tue 26-Jul-11 10:57:37

Probably the reason friends have had a "bad" experience with relate is because they've left it too late. All they will do is get you to talk and be honest with each other - if being honest means you split up, well you probably would have done anyway, and at least you have been able to be honest in a neutral environment rather than having screaming rows around the kids (for example).

If your relationship still has a good base despite the issues then relate should help you talk these issues through.

When you say you've tried talking and it always ends up in an argument, who would you say gets defensive first? Her or you?

It's very easy to get locked into a negative pattern of one partner constantly asking for sex and the other partner constantly backing away. And the more each partner does this, the more the other one responds negatively - so you end up with one partner desperate for sex and unable to have any kind of conversation/interaction without mentioning it, hinting at it, trying to touch the other and hang on.... and the other partner becoming steadily more and more defensive and repulsed. It is fixable, but it does depend on the high-libido partner having the sense to back off for a while.
OP this may sound very rude but something that has occurred to me on reading your post: How is your personal hygiene and when did you last go to the dentist? Because some people are so squeamish about hygiene that they might retreat from a partner rather than actually say - 'Your breath smells, that's why I don't want to kiss you or get close to you.'

lightning02 Tue 26-Jul-11 11:14:13

Its a funny old scenario, because we both do get on well in general and I know she loves me. Just the sex and intimacy isnt right. Its become more of a "gift "to me to keep me off her back for a while. I think I'm going to do like I said and what barbiegrows said, and to back right off for a while to see what happens. Maybe if i'm not doing the "chasing" she might just notice somethings missing and make a concious effort? I dont know? Maybe it'll suit her, and I'll shoot myself in the foot and we'll end up in a sexless marrieage!

As I said before, weve done the talking and it ends in friction (she is a sensitive sole) and the outcome only lasts for a short while. Although I know this is an important issue and it really bothers me, I just feel the line of relate is a little too harsh?

lightning02 Tue 26-Jul-11 11:18:02 personal hygene is spot on. in fact its one thing I am "anal" about!

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Tue 26-Jul-11 11:21:12

Relate isn't a punishment, nor is it for couples who are splitting up.

Is your breath ok? Sounds bonkers perhaps but kissing someone with less than fresh breath is unpleasant. Otherwise the usual stuff - make sure she gets time to herself, time to go out with her friends, make sure you're doing your share of stuff in the home, give her compliments without agenda and show her you see her as attractive and desirable without implying you want a shag at any opportunity.

Lightning - OK fair enough. Backing off is going to help, because one of the most poisonous things about the sort of situation you describe is the constant anxiety - are you going to be asked for sex? are you going to be 'allowed' sex? that makes it almost impossible to interact with your partner in any way. You could try telling your DW that it might do you both good to agree that the whole subject of sex is off-limits for a month. (then she knows that you are not going to ask for sex, hint that sex might be possible, etc and can relax.)

swallowedAfly Tue 26-Jul-11 11:28:13

Message withdrawn

fluffyanimal Tue 26-Jul-11 11:28:52

People suggesting Relate is not harsh, it's not a judgement on how terrible your marriage is. If the two of you talking about it on your own ends in friction, then what can be the harm of finding someone to help you talk about it without ending in friction? Only talking will ever solve this. Backing off with the overtures is the right thing to do to start the ball rolling, but as you say, you can't just leave that indefinitely. For example, what if she eventually thinks, "Oh no, now he's given up hope and lost interest in me, I'm undesirable as well as a terrible uncaring wife", and you both retreat into corners of silence and hurt?

Back off for a while, and tell her you want to find ways of talking about your relationship without upsetting each other and feeling guilty.

swallowedAfly Tue 26-Jul-11 11:29:19

Message withdrawn

swallowedAfly Tue 26-Jul-11 11:31:45

Message withdrawn

Malificence Tue 26-Jul-11 11:39:52

Niceguy2, that's not always the case, lack of libido can have absolutely nothing to do with the health of a relationship.
I'm assuming OP's wife is in her mid-late 30s, hormones play such a huge part in womens' libidos, any kind of hormonal contraception can kill sex drive, that's the huge joke, something that frees you from unwanted pregnancy can actually destroy the desire for sex, ironic huh?
It could also be that the sex is pretty crap for her, hence the bad mood afterwards wink, it doesn't sound particularly satisfying for you either, if you don't have it very often, is it over fairly quickly and she's not getting aroused enough to enjoy it as much as she should?

Does she suffer from PMS? I suffered terribly in my 30's and my libido was pretty much non existent for 10 years, my husband never complained, never made me feel like I had to have sex to keep the peace etc. of course he would have liked more sex but he never pressured me in any way, he had enough sense to realise that pestering for sex is the biggest turn off ever.

I also think that it's a normal life stage for an awful lot of women, especially those with young children and they do come out of it when the kids start becoming more independant and they have time for themselves once again, it's a matter of accepting it and realising that it won't last forever and keeping the intimacy going, do you show her affection all the time, not just when you want sex? Does she associate kisses and cuddles with you having an expectation of sex?

peppapighastakenovermylife Tue 26-Jul-11 11:41:08

Can I ask how often you do have sex (sorry if I missed that!)

What is the rest of her day like? Is she exhausted at night? I cant think of anything worse than morning sex at the moment as I dont get enough sleep and want to sleep as long as possible before the kids get up (but do have to get up at 6am!)

swallowedAfly Tue 26-Jul-11 11:43:12

Message withdrawn

DuelingFanjo Tue 26-Jul-11 11:45:36

"Should I just not focus on this, lay off the sex and hope eventually she regains her libido and wants me again?"

I think this might be a step in the right direction.

DuelingFanjo Tue 26-Jul-11 11:47:26

oh - and how often do you expect a blow-job? I find it really off-putting when it seems to be a constant request.

swallowedAfly Tue 26-Jul-11 11:49:52

Message withdrawn

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