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workloads...

(34 Posts)
lightsandshapes Mon 25-Jul-11 21:07:10

ok, I'm going to have a moan....

I put bins out
Usually am the one to fill and empty dishwasher (ok, always)
Cook meals in the evening
Go food shopping for big shops (DP shops for beer, milk, bread eggs, butter)
Feed the dogs in the morining
Walk the dogs the most (DP does it sometimes).
Hoover (except when DP makes a big deal he's doing it once in a blue moon).

In contrast DP
cleans up dog poo (sporadically and usually after nagging)
Chainsaws and chops some wood (sporadically)
Randomly moves furniture around in the house
Strims the garden (sporadically - I would like it to look neater).

Most nights he comes home from work, lifeboat, coanoeing course (today), lies in front of tv, smokes a cigarete, drinks a beer and falls asleep.

He doesn't take me out, buy me presents or generally make much of a fuss of me. I have to ask him for a kiss.

I work full time - he's a teacher currently on summer hols and has made a unilateral decision to go part time in December. This annoys me as well as his salary has dropped significantly, just at a time we need it. Though he never does much with his money - he's very tight.

He wasn't this lazy to begin with. I've had enough of this esp cos I'm now 6 months pregnant and starting to waddle. AIBU?

Advice please - if I start to discuss with him, he either gets defensive or switches off / pretends to fall asleep.....

I'm 34 he's 45 and seems to be 'winding down' - I don't want to be stuck with a lethargic partner for life angry sad

lightsandshapes Mon 25-Jul-11 21:08:05

p.s I also do all the clothes washing, clean bathroom etc....

LadyLapsang Mon 25-Jul-11 21:24:26

Stop cooking for him & washing his clothes - he'll soon get the idea.

Regarding the taking you out, buying you presents and making a fuss of you - do you do these things for him?

lightsandshapes Mon 25-Jul-11 21:42:28

Hi LadyLapsang - I guess I don't but isn't it up to the man to kind of romance the woman a bit??

Will try to stop cooking and washing his clothes though it's hard with all these nesting hormones circulating!! confused

lightsandshapes Tue 26-Jul-11 09:27:21

Ok, perhaps I didnt give this post a very good title - but anyone else got any advice??

BertieBotts Tue 26-Jul-11 09:32:57

I don't think there is much you can do - if this is the way he is inclined then you can't change that.

You say he wasn't like this before? Have you been together long or has it been a sharp decline? As you don't mention other DCs is this your first baby?

Honestly though he sounds like a waste of space, not a helpful potential co-parent, let alone a lovely husband. I'd give him an ultimatum - pull your weight or I'll go it alone.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 26-Jul-11 09:45:26

Decide what you need him to do. Ask him to make these changes. If he agrees, make sure to set measurable benchmarks together (just "doing more around the house" is a matter of opinion and can be argued until the cows come home).

If he doesn't agree, or does but fails to follow through, then you'll know he can't or won't do what you need him to do for your happiness in the relationship.

lifechanger Tue 26-Jul-11 09:52:58

I'd tell him you intend to go part time as well, so you can share the childcare 50:50. Agree with stopping his washing, cooking etc until he does more. But it does sound like the oomph has gone out of the relationship right now - you need to talk seriously to him really.

dogfish Tue 26-Jul-11 19:42:09

sheesh, this dude has nailed it. Spare room available chez moi, if you want it. Am a bloke btw

tell him to man up & do his share, not just the techy jobs he finds vaguely interesting. Chainsawing counts as recreation, really.

lookbutdonttouch Tue 26-Jul-11 20:32:29

He went part time as a unilateral decision and you are worried about who does what in the house?

And at a time when money was possibly tight with a baby on the way?

Jeez, he needs to grow up and realise he is in a partnership; and not necessarily in that order.

Forget the presents and the spoiling, get the major stuff dealt with!!

Poor you though!

halfpipe Tue 26-Jul-11 20:41:52

Am a man - agree with what everyone else says - stop doing stuff for him rather than telling him how much you do, he's more likely to get it that way - though may strop at first.

Don't want to hi-jack post but am interested in opinions on this tho re: presents / being taken out:

"Hi LadyLapsang - I guess I don't but isn't it up to the man to kind of romance the woman a bit??"

Bit self intersted as it's a recurring problem in my relationship. I tend to buy DW lots of little presents often but not so good at the big stuff. Have had lots of convos with DW about this and she seems to prefer the approach where I surprise her with a big meal out or something on a semi-regular basis and give up the flowers / chocolate / silly things I get most times I'm shopping.

Do people on here still see it as DP's job to do make big romantic gestures on a semi regular basis, or when you've got kids / are family is it a bit much to be expecting what traditionally seems to be more honeymoon behaviour.

Of course I know the answer in terms of my DW - do what she wants and stop being stubborn, but I'm still interested in the views out there...

lightsandshapes Tue 26-Jul-11 22:18:36

Thanks for these posts and good to get some male perspectives.

Half pipe in answer to your question, lots of little presents sounds fab and thoughtful to me. But that's just me.

Dogfish - you're right, I should do less he has it too cozy right now!

Roxy33 Wed 27-Jul-11 22:41:00

Halfpipe, I like the constant little presents, it may sound silly but to me it feels like he is thinking of me more than some big semi-annual event that "has to be booked" at a "nice restaurant" blah blah but then i've never liked big showy romantic gestures......i'm happiest when hubbie brings me a cup of tea when i haven't even asked for it.

LesserOfTwoWeevils Thu 28-Jul-11 00:02:56

What's the plan for when he goes part-time? Is he going to be looking after your DC when he's home?

Anniegetyourgun Thu 28-Jul-11 00:09:35

I wasn't all that thrilled by little presents from XH, mainly because he bought them on my credit card.

garlicbutter Thu 28-Jul-11 00:46:14

YADNBU, lights shock

I agree. It's going to take a bomb up his arse to shift this, so bomb away. And mean it. I do all the things on your list, but then I am single and don't have some couch potato to cater for as well. Don't make the mistake of thinking life would be harder without him - how, exactly, would it???!

I hope he's just pushing his luck and will buck up when you set out your stall. Good luck, and good luck with your pregnancy, too smile

Re: gifts and stuff, I think it's important for BOTH partners to show they're thinking of the other one often. There's some wisdom in that "5 love languages" thing, imo, so you might show it by doing something for them, giving them something, spending time with them, cuddling them or saying nice things to them. If you don't know what combination of those makes your partner feel cherished, your relationship's already on shaky ground.

Halfpipe, perhaps your wife is more interested in quality time with you (meals out)? And perhaps you'd like it if she bought you little presents?

garlicbutter Thu 28-Jul-11 00:46:58

grin Annie! "Here's a little something from yourself." Great.

kayah Thu 28-Jul-11 00:59:55

if he's at home on his hols and you are pregnant he should take over most of chores

I am affraid if you stop - he wont do them too, so you must have strategies how not to do them yourself

re: part-time job - how exactly does he think the childcare's going to work after your baby is born
I guess he is still going to do his hobbies and nothing at home and would expect you to do the rest

lightsandshapes Thu 28-Jul-11 16:44:24

ok folks, 3 days ago - I stopped clearing away his plates, teabags, empty eggshells and empty cartons from the kitchen worktop. Guess what? They are still there. I've been at work all day. There's no clear surface. He's been at home all day. It looks a mess. What do I do now?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 28-Jul-11 16:48:42

go for open confrontation rather than passive one?

"Here's what I need you to do on a weekly/daily basis:

- chore x
- chore y
- chore z

I'm open to discuss the particulars, but in order for me to be happy in this relationship, I need to feel supported by my husband in running the household.

This includes finances. Can you sit down with me and budget exactly how we are going to manage with you going on half-time work? I must state upfront that I would be much happier if you stuck to full-time work, as I feel that your reduced salary will put too much of a strain on us all a household."

Xales Thu 28-Jul-11 17:04:00

Yuck. He sounds like a disgusting slob. Who leaves teabags and eggshells on the worktop (I am not including you in this obviously)? I am messy and untidy but not even I could live like that! I feel ill at the thought of how bad he would also let a toilet get!

Does he have a problem?

Keep it going. Keep a clean plate/cup etc for yourself hidden away.

He either has to clean them or eat with his own filth.

lightsandshapes Thu 28-Jul-11 17:30:07

Thanks xales and ItsMe, I will keep it going then. Had friends 'round yesterday - so embarasing I had to walk them past that. Yes he does have a problem - slobbery!
Difficult to manage the logistics of this now though - no clear workspace - how do I clear my stuff not his - only put my stuff in the dishwasher not his? Guess so. Bins due out tomorrow. Should I leave a note and just go to work and risk having to keep refuse for another week? confused. His sis and her family are coming down tomorrow. That should test things!

Xales Thu 28-Jul-11 17:35:38

Can you grab a sandwich or something on the way home every evening? That way no real clearing up or plates etc.

IThe more I think about his treatment of you the more angry I am for you.

6 months pregnant and he doesn't even get off his arse and make you a cuppa when you get it and expects you to be his slave! What an entitled git.

Is he also like this about personal hygeine? I don't think I would like to share a bed with a man with this attitude towards me sad

I hope he is just having a few days slob and will pull up his socks /hugs

EssentialFattyAcid Thu 28-Jul-11 17:54:07

Email him with a list of all the regular jobs you can think of. Ask him to add on any others he can think of and to write his name against the ones he is going to do over the summer whilst you are pregnant and working full time.

If he doesn't sign up for the majority of the jobs then I think you have some serious talking to do.

I don't get how he can make a unilateral decision about going part time - I think you need to revisit this and he needs to show you how the finances work and what he will be doing with this extra time whilst you continue to work full time.

Re the presents/romancing - I think you have more important issues to address before this one.

garlicbutter Thu 28-Jul-11 18:07:30

Same thing with a formal structure:
Describe
Express
Specify
Consequences

So - something like:
Describe - I stopped clearing up after you 3 days ago, and now the kitchen's covered in filth.
Express - Living this way makes me feel horrible. I'm scared it'll be even worse after our baby's born.
Specify - I want to see that you care about our life together and pull your weight around the house.
Consequences - Then we can look forward to a comfortable, happy home life.

www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A2998551

I started this post ages ago; sorry if your thread's moved on.

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