Want to stop feeling resentful towards my husband

[Funnyface89]

I've just had my first son (8 weeks) with my husband of just over a year.

When we first got married I did not want a baby straight away and would have preferred to wait to few years to enjoy our freedom and spare income for a while before having a child. However I agreed to start trying soon after our wedding as he kept asking me to before I had a bit of a 'wobble' and said i wanted to wait awhile longer (at this point I wasn't pregnant). Anyway my husband threw a huge huff and I got the impression that if I didn't have a baby then he would leave me.

Two days after getting home from the hospital he said he regretted having our son, at this time my husband had stuff going on with work which meant he had to get decent sleep so i spent the first 2 weeks after the birth sleeping on the sofa with our baby in the living room so he could sleep properly plus he wasn't at home for practically any of his parternity leave and when he was home instead of helping just invited all his family round and when they were gone he left again. So i didn't know why he said it as he hadn't had to help me with the baby in anyway so far.

Throughout our relationship I have always given in to him (I know there is only myself to blame for this). He wanted a big wedding, where to go on holiday and honeymoon, to move nearer his friends and family and have the baby when we did. I even ended up having sex with him 6 weeks after the birth although I didn't feel ready as he kept coming onto me and saying everyone knows its safe after 6 weeks.

I guess I just feel having always letting him have it his way, given up my career and the fact my body is a mess he wouldn't have said what he did or acted the way he has.

I know I am probably being silly and should just get over these thinks but I can't help but feel a little resentful towards him. I guess I just want some advice on how to get past these things and see if I can move on.

Sorry for the long post.

[buzzsore]

I'm not sure why you think you should 'get over' all this. He's treated you appallingly and 'getting over it' and pretending everything is ok won't stop this pattern repeating.

You're being pressured and controlled. You're not the one with the problem. Well, you are, in that you're married to the problem.

A good husband wouldn't pressure you into sex when you weren't up for it. A good husband wouldn't make you and your brand new baby sleep in the living room, so he can get perfect restful sleep for work. A good husband wouldn't blackmail you into having a child with him in the first place, and certainly wouldn't then claim to regret the child. He's doing an absolute number on you.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

I posted on your other thread

I wouldn't. (be getting past these things, trying to move on - put up with them? accept them? get used to them?)

Moving you away from your friends and family, isolating you.
Giving up your career, creating dependence
Having a baby, tying you to him
A pattern of you 'giving in' to him
Forcing you to have sex

These are well known tactics. I don't think you should ignore this.

[oldwomaninashoe]

By the cringe!!
If my DH had said he regretted our DS after he was born, I would have felt like hacking his head off.
A little resentful, I'd be fuming!
You've had some fair few "life adjustments" in the last year, and you have coped, he is just going to have to cope now too.

I would start talking about going back to work (even if you don't really want to) and start trying to regain your independance somehow!

He is behaving like a spoiled brat, stop facilitating this behaviour.

[Hassled]

You slept on the sofa ? He pushed you into having a baby and once you'd had one he changed his mind? And you think you're the person with issues? Really?

He sounds like a twat. You haven't described a single redeeming feature. I'd be bloody resentful if I were you.

You can't change what's happened - you're where you are, you have the baby and you've moved and got married and all the rest of it. It's done. But you can change what happens next - please don't take any more of this shit. You only have the one life - don't spend it accommodating someone else's needs if you don't want to. Relate might be useful - either on your own or together.

[Spuddybean]

I wouldn't be getting over these things, i would be getting very angry about these things!

Why do you feel you need to get over them? do you think your legitimate feelings aren't valid?

Well they are, and from what you said he is the one who needs get over the thought he can do whatever he likes and his needs are met first.

I think you need to have a hard word with him and tell him your new set of expectations and repercussions if his behaviour continues.

The idea of you sleeping on the sofa after you have had a baby is making me very angry indeed.

[SenoritaViva]

I also posted in your other post but think you will get more 'advice' from this board.

Crikey, there are so many issues in this post that it is hard to decipher them.

Ok firstly, are you happy with your son? Are you feeling depressed or like you can't cope? If this is so please go and see your GP to see whether you need any PND support. From the sounds of things your time is quite miserable so I wouldn't be surprised if this did push you towards a propensity for PND.

I am sorry you feel that you have been pressurised into having your son, this could also be the hormones. It is an issue you need to address, whether through counselling or directly with your husband but I also urge you to not let this come between you and your son. Ultimately, you conceded to 'start trying' and therefore you have a sense of responsibility as well.

Secondly you need to analyse the reasons why you married your husband. This does not sound like a normal relationship but sometimes the reasons why you love someone is also their downfall (e.g. a man who is a strong leader and makes all the decisions can be lovely in good times but in the bad times you can feel cajoled etc.)

Sleeping on the sofa does not sound good, in my view it should have been the other way around! (Him on the sofa). Many people do end up sleeping apart for the first few weeks (I did for the first 6 as DH had to run his business and I felt that since I was breastfeeding there wasn't much he could do at night, but I knew I could wake him if I needed to).

Your husband does sound like an arse, saying to you when your son is 2 days old that this is a big mistake is frankly horrible. But perhaps he is simply struggling himself; men can suffer depression over birth of children too. However, he is dealing with it all in the wrong way, he is not being supportive, he is not communicating well, he is not understanding your needs by inviting family over and pressuring you into sex is unforgivable.

How are you at communicating? Are you able to sit down and talk about these things rationally? When he sees someone else's point of view does he understand where they are coming from or is he likely to become very angry? If the latter is the case, can you write a letter stating everything you feel, in a balanced way and then go and stay with a family member whilst he thinks about it?

[Funnyface89]

Although I hadn't wanted to continue trying for our baby I am happy I have him now and I love him so much that although things with my marriage aren't great I couldn't imagine not having my son now - I can cope and definatly don't feel depressed in any way especially since my son is such a happy content baby always smiling I just can't imagine not having him now.

We have tried talking but I end up upset and in floods of tears and he ends up saying stuff like he doesn't know what i expect him to do about it.

I feel for our sons sake I don't want things between me and my husband to fall apart but I just feel resentful towards him which surely isn't healthy

[buzzsore]

It is healthy to feel resentful, even angry, when you've been treated poorly - it's normal and the correct response. You seem to want to crush down your natural instinct, which is telling you he's behaving badly towards you and not to like it.

What you should expect him to do is - not make you and your newborn sleep in the living room while he has the bed. He should put you and his child first, not his own comfort. You should expect him to help you and support you and be there during his paternity leave.

There's plenty he can do about acting so selfishly, firstly, by stopping acting in that manner. He shuts you down and dismisses the issues - that's not a loving behaviour.

[JamieAgain]

I also posted on your thread in AIBU. This is very upsetting to read. I agree with bizzsore. You are upset because he's treating you very badly.