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If you are not sexually inhibited - why do you think that is?

(31 Posts)
Itsalljustabitweird Mon 25-Jul-11 13:37:47

I was having a conversation with my Mother recently about parents being affectionate and how she had no physical affection as a child and how as an adult she has found intimacy hard and that she wishes she wasn't as inhibited as she is.

We were raised with lots of physical affection (though the upbringing was by no mean perfect emotionally), but I would say that I am quite inhibited sexually. I find sex a bit embarrassing I suppose and awkward.

So - do you think that the way you are raised can have an impact on how you deal with intimacy in later adult relationships?
Or - is it just personality and some people are more inhibited than others?

I would love for my children (when adults) to have a healthy relationship where sex was open and lovely and not awkward and where they are not inhibited I suppose.

AbbyAbsinthe Mon 25-Jul-11 13:45:17

I'm not sexually inhibited at all. Not one jot. In fact, I would say sexual intimacy is one of the things I'm best at. Emotional intimacy, on the other hand.... not so much. I'm rubbish at it.

I was brought up in a family where both parties are much married and divorced between them, but we were all very happy and there were loads of hugs and kisses - and this is how I am with my children too.

Helltotheno Mon 25-Jul-11 13:51:58

Yes but not being sexually inhibited doesn't = intimacy.
I'm very sexually uninhibited but not as good at actual intimacy and not especially affectionate towards adults (but am towards my children). The romance and cuddles stuff doesn't really do it for me.
But that's probably not a good way to be either. Re your kids, I don't know how you can teach them to have a healthy relationship with sex, I suppose it's mostly about how you are with your partner. I know I'll have no trouble discussing sex with my kids extremely frankly, but it's going to harder for me to talk about relationships etc.

TobyLerone Mon 25-Jul-11 13:54:00

I'm the same as Abby.

For me, emotional intimacy is much more difficult. Sex and emotional intimacy are not the same thing at all, and some of the best sex I've had has been with people with whom I had no emotional ties whatsoever.

I think my lack of sexual inhibition is down to an inner confidence. I am confident that some people find me attractive. My mother raised me alone for a lot of my life, and she brought me up to know that I am 'good enough'.

That's not to say that I don't sometimes look at my partner and think "WTF is he doing with me?!", but he loves me and tells me so every day.

Sex is joyous and fun and experimental and lovely and serious and funny and a whole lot of other things. I think it's very sad that not everyone gets to experience it fully, because there are things holding them back.

btphoneman Mon 25-Jul-11 13:56:10

In my case, I think it is definitely personality. I am far from sexually inhibited (am never self-conscious in front of new lovers, have experienced group sex situations, public nudity). But my parents come from a relatively repressed culture - I don't think I have ever seen my parents kiss and they never hug children beyond the age of about 10. They are quite prudish about sex and touching (e.g. my mum won't use tampons as she doesn't want to touch herself ^down there^).

Being comfortable sexually is just something I've always had, even when quite young. I am like Abby though, I find emotional literacy much harder. I am learning but it's something I need to read about from self-help books - whereas whenever I read sex guides, I realise that most tips are things that I've always done instinctively anyway.

AbbyAbsinthe Mon 25-Jul-11 13:58:12

I concur, Toby. I am also confident inside, which is pretty weird, because I'm quite a lot of a minger - but I do alright wink

I like sex, and it shows. I'm open minded and pretty much anything goes between consenting adults, imo. And I've always been the same.

But if I'm upset, and someone tries to hug me, or someone tries to probe me emotionally? I hate it. I mean, really hate it. It's weird.

TobyLerone Mon 25-Jul-11 14:03:14

Bleurgh yes. I hate being hugged (except by my children) and people invading my personal space in general.

My partner actually had to teach me how to hug properly when we first got together, because I had no idea how. I used to just stand there and be hugged, as opposed to actually participating, IYKWIM. It's ridiculous that I had got to my early 30s before I knew how to do this!

TobyLerone Mon 25-Jul-11 14:03:34

Also, grin @ 'minger'!

Helltotheno Mon 25-Jul-11 14:08:33

Lol at AbbyAbsinthe, am sure you're not a minger!

I find my kids are already very prudey about their bodies, showing em etc and they didn't get that from me so... is that a sign of things to come or are all kids like that...

TobyLerone Mon 25-Jul-11 14:10:09

No idea, Helltotheno. Mine are 10 and 11 and are still perfectly happy to wander around naked while they're going to the shower or whatever. I do it too. It's just not a big deal in my house, but I'm sure it won't last much longer.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 25-Jul-11 14:12:06

I had no real affection shown to me after the age of 7.

I am emotionally open, too heart on my sleeve and sexually I am open to most things that DH wants to try but it has been affected by a negative experience I had as a child.

MumblingRagDoll Mon 25-Jul-11 14:15:08

I had NO hus and kisses after the age of about 6 or 7...dont' know why. My parents were great though and loved me a lot. I am not sexually inhibited at all. I will pretty much do most things and dress up too....because I'm a show off!

Not got a perfect bod either. Size 14.

dreamingbohemian Mon 25-Jul-11 14:15:39

I'm not inhibited at all really. I think I was really lucky in that my first proper boyfriend who I had sex with was older and really lovely, and he showed me how much fun sex can be. And ever since, I have seen sex primarily as a way to have fun -- not as an obligation (I never have sex unless I really want to) or as a path to emotional intimacy (although I recognise it is, that's not why I'm doing it). It's almost like going to a party -- I don't go unless I really want to, but if I do I'm going to have a jolly good time.

I also love lots of cuddles and affection.

I'm not always great at relationship stuff but then who is?

MumblingRagDoll Mon 25-Jul-11 14:15:58

Ooh Fab just saw that you didn't get affection after that age too! Wnder why! My DD1 is almost 7 and we are always hugging her.

superjobee Mon 25-Jul-11 14:19:40

my mum wasnt huggy and neither am i but we are both very sexual in fact all the women in my family are my sister and aunt not my nan tho she's a wee prude grin

only thing sex wise is words i hate all sex words i hate cock pussy blow job etc they all make my skin crawl. i feel all ick having wrote them there!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 25-Jul-11 14:26:56

I was liberally cuddled by my family my entire childhood, well into my teens. In fact, my family nickname - which I will NOT reveal grin - denotes my status as the giver and receiver of a lot of physical affection.

I am also sexually confidant, after a couple years of rubbish sex when I first became sexually active and had no clue; nor did my partners.

Don't know if that proves a causal link, though. I've always thought that sexual confidence came from practice, knowing what I like, wanting to please the other party too, and having trust in my sexual partner. But who knows, maybe it was the childhod hugs all along!

NewbeeMummy Mon 25-Jul-11 14:43:04

I'm in no way inhibited, but I do agree with those who comment about emotional intancy, I do struggle a bit with that.

I think my lack of inhibitions come from my mid 20's when having left my husband I finally took time out to learn who i was and what I needed. I finally got back my confidence that my XH and fiance before him and managed to remove.

AbbyAbsinthe Mon 25-Jul-11 14:57:57

I'm certainly not anywhere near attractive enough to be so confident! But I've never had an issue with anything of that nature. I'm a size 14/16 and a short arse, and pretty plain looking - but I've never had a problem with men - but I think that's the confidence wink

We have a naked house also. Only dd covers up now, but that's because she's 13....

TobyLerone Mon 25-Jul-11 15:07:23

Agreed, Abby.

I used to write a blog about all sorts of things, but basically stuff in my life. I used to get some crackers of comments/mails about it. My favourite was "you're not as special or as pretty as you think you are" grin

minimouse888 Mon 25-Jul-11 15:20:17

When my mum divorced my dad, he told us all kinds of explicit, inappropriate things about our mother in order to humiliate her and lower her in our eyes. As a result, I grew up thinking men just wanted to use me for sex and would shame and humiliate me afterwards.

However, I'm not remotely sexually inhibited now, as my DH has never tried to embarrass or shame me sexually - I don't feel ashamed or awkward at all now and have realised that sex is supposed to be fun and the problem lies with my dad (and he is very messed up)

colditz Mon 25-Jul-11 15:32:24

okay, this sounds a bit arrogant but it isn't meant to be....

As a child, there was never a doubt in my mind that my dad loved me. As an adult, there is still no doubt in my mind that my dad loves me.

As a teenager, I refused to put up with not being loved. Boys who behaved like they weren't interested got fucked off at the first offense. If they didn't adore me, they didn't spent time with me. Bad boys - no thanks.

My first sexual experience was with a young man who loved me beyond reason. My second one wanted to marry me. It continues so on. My ex, the father of my children, was only tolerated for apathy because we had children. Eventually I got fed up of the apathy (not the abuse, bizarrely, it was the apathy I couldn't tolerate)

I met abloke on the internet - he changed his mind about me, and said "Let's just be friends" - I said "Fuck off, I've got loads of friends. If you don't care about me I don't want you in my life." Never ever spoke to or saw him again and never wanted to.

Current BF - been together two years - regularly tells me how beautiful I am, how spectacular my breasts are, how delicious my bottom is, what gorgeous hair I have, how pretty and adorable my face is - I am 31 with 2 children and I'm a saggy size 16, so he must adore me to think such things and so he should

As a result of this life of constant and really quite shocking ego boosting, I have the self esteem of one of the higher orders of God's own Seraphim. I will willingly strip naked and pretend to pole dance around my boyfriend's leg. He clearly adores me, why would I not adore him? He delights in my nudity, and so I'm happy to be naked. That's the thing - anyone I have ever been sexual with has been grateful to be close tome sexually, so why would I be inhibited? In my experience the more I push the boat out and say rude things, and shout "Hold tight, Baby, we're in for a rough ride, woooooo!", and jiggle my boobs while he is on the phone to his boss, or molest him while he's trying to get things out of the washer, the happier he is - so why would I be inhibited?

MumblingRagDoll Mon 25-Jul-11 15:56:35

Colditz me too! I never could understand girls who chased after boys and later, men...I felt that if they didn't chase me then I wasn't bothered! My Dad also showed me a lot of love.

AbbyAbsinthe Mon 25-Jul-11 16:00:34

It doesn't sound arrogant, colditz, it just sounds like a fun and healthy relationship.

I knew someone once that had been with her partner for 5 years, and they had a daughter together. He had never seen her naked because she hated her breasts. That's sad.

Toby - charming.... Because people think that if you are sexually confident, that you think you're all that. That's not how it is at ALL.

TobyLerone Mon 25-Jul-11 16:05:34

Colditz, that makes sense. I have a very inflated sense of self-worth. I have been called 'arrogant' more times than I could possibly remember. But bollocks to them! I am worth good things.

There's a chance that sometimes I do think I'm all that, Abby wink

TheOriginalFAB Mon 25-Jul-11 16:06:59

MRD - I know why I didn't get any affection past that age and love it when my 10 year old still wants a bed time cuddle.

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