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Online dating fatigue(13 Posts)
Hi I'm a newbie and male so forgive me for posting in a female dominated forum, but I've lurked for a bit and it seems the best place to get some sensible and good advice.
I've been online dating on and off for about a year and I'm at the point where I just feel like knocking it all on the head. Don't get me wrong, I've been on lots of dates and have had a few flings through it, but I find the whole thing deeply unsatisfying and strangely addictive. I seem to find myself logging on just to see if I have had any winks or messages, and once on I just waste time browsing. Then when offline I find i'm always thinking about checking whether I have messages etc. Ultimately it's sad and it's boring. I also think the whole concept of it has mde me picky and impatient. I've met women who I probably would have been happy to date but I always think there may be a better prospect round the corner. In fact, I have 3 first time dates lined up this week alone !
Do you think it sounds like it's time I had a dating hiatus and knocked it on the head? I had my heart broken a year ago and this led me to try online dating. I think I only took it up as some sort of emotional band aid and distraction.
Not the answer you're looking for, but MN is also addictive!
Definitely not boring, though.
It is good that you have got yourself back out there, and have not spent your time moping after your last relationship broke up.
However, perhaps you'd benefit from some time spent thinking about why the relationship broke up, and what (if anything) role your behaviour contributed.
It is always good to learn from our experiences (mistakes?) so we don't have the same issues crop up again.
And btw, the amateur psychologist in me says you don't want to be lonely, but also are scared of being hurt again so keep moving on (looking for something 'better') before you get close to someone. Of course, your moving on could also have to do with not finding a person you could 'stick' with.
It takes time to get over any relationship, especially if you've been left broken hearted. You'll be doing your future girlfriend a favour by doing work on yourself now and learning to be content with being alone, as you look at why things didn't work out in the past and process any hurt you're still carrying. Then you'll be in a strong position to meet someone and really connect with them, because the act of dating casually and extensively won't be filling a gaping hole left by the end of your last relationship.
My guess if that nobody on earth would be right for you and you'd always be left feeling empty and restless and wanting more. This is because you haven't spent the time grieving and mending your broken heart.
I keep linking to this womans site, anyone would think she was paying me but I have found her posts on rebound relationships really helpful, and have recognised aspects of myself and the blokes I'm drawn to in them. Here's one.
Best of luck to you.
The main message that emerges on MN from women who've done this is to assukme the male competition is rubbish and to assume that everyone - of all three sexes - is lying through their teeth.
Mr Bloke, you have captured the problem with on line dating. (You haven't dated me have you? Someone I met last year has been on and off with me only to disappear again and I felt like I could have fallen for him and if I'm honest, I felt like he felt the same way!) It's a bit like a sweetie shop and there is always something/someone better to try. If its any help, I've disabled my account for a while to see how I feel about it all and I am almost having withdrawal symptoms about not having male attention! However, I know I have done the right thing as this last contact has made me very miserable and I would just have arranged a couple of intimate dates just to put the other guy out of my mind. In turn, these intimate dates would not have done the trick and I would still be feeling a little short changed by the whole experience!
Good luck with whatever you decide to do but it is hard, isnt it?
mrbloke I would go with giving it a break, have been through the same with the addictive nature of it all! Yes it's all difficult out there, I'm currently of the 'What will be will be' attitude..............
I seem to be able to manage about three months dating, and presuming not much has happened or gone anywhere then I need a break from it for a while.
I think that's quite depressing really if other men are feeling like you - what hope do I have if anyone I meet is dismissive or not giving it much attention because they have another date that week or think something better will show up?
My social life is very limited which I'm working on but at the moment... online is pretty much my only way of meeting someone. Sigh.
Online dating can be a bit like going for a picnic, finding a nice spot but wondering if there's a better one round the corner. So you go round the corner and there's another, different nice spot, but you never know... there might be a better one round the corner. And so on.
Have a break and learn how to be single, then consider what you really want in a partner. If you rejoin a dating site, do it just with a view to finding a meaningful, long term relationship, and don't bother meeting those who, in you heart, you know you won't ever fall in love with however nice they are.
Friends of mine who are psychologists say it does not work - I have reported this many times here. A minority will have success.Beter to join an evening class or hobby.
I've been online dating since May, and tomorrow is my last 'date' as I am giving it up. It's a minefield and it's disheartening. I don't want to be come cynical and learn to be wary of all men.
I suggest taking a step back, spend some time as a single fella and just revisit it maybe in 6 months time?
Well i have 2 colleagues at work who met there future husbands , i was at their weddings!, so what does that tell you , to be fair it is a minefield but i also think one personally has to be ready to GIVE in a relationship and be READY to move on,. I know it can become addictive but YOU need to decide what you are looking for and if your ready, hope this does not sound to like mumbojumbo, it can be a lottery but ulitmatley what any of us are looking for is to be loved, a tall order , and will not happen over night , but if your lucky then all the better, good luck to you what ever you decide, but dont beat yourself up aboutit, you sound a decent guy with a conscious, you will get there.
Thanks for words of wisdom. My membership runs out at end of week and I'm not going to renew it. I just find the whole experience quite empty, and to be honest there is an air of desperation about it, just by the very nature of it. It can be quite stressful too, meeting somebody for the first time. I suppose I should have considered that before lining up my 3 back to back dates this week. :-(
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