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Please, desperately lonely and heartbroken.

(33 Posts)
Melissaanddoug Mon 25-Jul-11 12:49:27

Please, if anybody could help with just some small words of advice. I'm really at all time low, my marriage has been declining slowly over the past yeara, been together about 12 years.
My husband has become very colds towards me emotionally, and treats me in fact like on of the kids, his motivation for being here is the children alone.
There is no sex or affectionHe has constantly rejected me sexually over the past number of years, the humiliation is destroying me and he has told me that I am pathetic.
Our children are the reason I'm still here I guess. I'm so terrified for them because I think I am totally going to fall apart.
Last night was rock bottom in that I truly truly wanted to die. I told him this but he said he didn't believe me.
I do have friends I can talk t, but didn't, just tries to keep up a charade that all was well, I'm going to try now, had been confiding alone with one guy online, but I felt that I was using that to mask the hurt in the marraige as he would constantly reassure me that I was attractive, desirable etc, things I desperately did want to hear, it just didn't feel like the right thing to do though.
Just hoping that with the vast amounts of experience here thT somebody may be able to help.
Thank you

Melissaanddoug Mon 25-Jul-11 12:54:53

Apologies for the very many typos, have been typing through tears

buzzsore Mon 25-Jul-11 12:55:48

Sounds like you've got an emotional abuser there for a husband - withholding affection/sex, treating you poorly, telling you you're pathetic, not responding to your emotional pain.

Maybe you could talk to the Samaritans if you're feeling suicidal? And talk to Women's Aid, who will be able to understand how your dh's treatment is making you feel.

I think you may need to leave this relationship.

Flippingebay Mon 25-Jul-11 12:57:05

I'm no expert but it sounds as though you're relationship is no good for you.

I also wanted to bump this as I'm sure someone better informed than me will be along shortly, but hang in there..

Flippingebay Mon 25-Jul-11 12:58:09

Oh and I'd also say you need an appointment with your Dr, see if he/her can recommend someone you can talk to about this....

LizaTarbucksAuntie Mon 25-Jul-11 13:02:09

Hello lovely,

My that sounds rubbish for you! What an arse you husband sounds. Well first of all, I promise you will not fall apart, because your post just there is where things start to improve, you'll see as this thread develops just how much warmth and support you're going to get.

Speak to you RL friends as well if you can - even just a bit at a time, don't worry about not appearing perfect - very few of us are doing more than holding it together round the edges.

First tip - do something that makes you feel good, a manicure, a face mask - a long walk in the fresh air, and every day set yourself one small goal of doing one thng for you.

Im sure you'll see more people here very soon, I'll be thinking of you and will try to pop back later

chin up - it's going to get better now smile

tulipe Mon 25-Jul-11 13:14:11

I am so sorry to hear this. I'd like to send you a bighug. Your husband does not realise what he has.
To realy test if he still cares, you could leave clues around for a pretend affair. It usually send them back on earth.
Relate marriage counselling might be a more reasonable option if he is willing to take part, and support for you if he isn't.
It is not unusual to loose your libido after being in a relationship for a long time. He might feel terribly guilty about it, hence his behaviour. In the meantime check if he is not having an affair, it would be a good explanation.
Don't hesitate to drop me a line, if you want a listening hear.
All the best to you.

Melissaanddoug Mon 25-Jul-11 14:07:10

Thank you for your replies, yes I am depressed, I am taking medication for this. He thought I would 'get better' and to be honest he has been putting up with my lows which really kicked in after first baby.
Thing is, he is not a bad person, I think he has just been worn down by having to live with the fact that I do have depression. But I did think things had improved, in a circular way, you know, like I would be fine for months and months and then may have a set back for a few weeks. He has no understanding of depression, lucky him and appears to have been under the illusion that I would one day be fixed.
I just so desperately crave some physical contact,'aside from my lovely children's hugs. I feel he winces if I even touch him, I don't think he is having an affair. He just works all the time, but is wonderful with the kids. They are the focus of any free time.
I had encouraged the email contact with this guy from the past, we never had anything physical as I was married when we met, but I always felt an attraction.
The contact lasted only a few weeks as I did feel like I was using him just to hear someone say, you look good to me, my husband makes me feel that sex with me now would be gross.
I used to love getting his mails/messages but could see how messed up the whole thing was bound to become, and I need to think as clearly as I can for now, was this the right thing to do? I feel as if I have no judgement anymore.
I'm crying all the time and at the merest hint of affection from strangers, ie somebody saying 'hello lovely' just collapse as it brings it home just how starved of this I am.
I've written a lot, sorry, thank you if you make it this far.
Thank you for earlier replies, yes I did try do something nice. Bought some new underwear but the irony of it was cruel.
I think pampering treats are a good idea though, I just feel so empty.
Thank you, I just don't know how to get out of it, he certainly won't leave kids and I've given up work to look after them.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 25-Jul-11 15:26:52

he has been putting up with my lows

Just because you are depressed, Melissa, does not give your H the right to call you pathetic, to withhold affection, and then still expect the relationship to go on, or expect you to be beholden to him for his great sacrifice.

He is a responsible adult: if he finds you so pathetic, so unattractive, and your depression so intolerable, he is free to leave, or to educate himself, or ask you for an open relationship, or or or... any number of constructive solutions that might work for the two of you. Being cruel to you and deaf to your emotional needs, however, is not much of an admirable course of action.

The other man is a distraction, as you have rightly identified yourself. The key issue is how your husband makes you feel. He makes you feel like shit.

Does cruelty have a place in a marriage? Is this really what you want from your life?

Flippingebay Mon 25-Jul-11 15:28:12

It really does sound like you need to talk to someone, and it also sounds like you are not getting the emotional and physical support you need from your DH.

I know you say 'it's not his fault' but a hug is not a lot to ask for. I was depressed after having my DD so I know a little of what you are talking about and it is difficult if you are with someone who doesn't understand, but this sounds more than simply 'not getting it'.

You sound like a lovely lady and I'm sure things will get better, but you need to sort yourself out, and start looking after 'you'!! As others have said, treat yourself, but only for you, not for him!!

Feel free to pm me for a chat if you'd like

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 25-Jul-11 15:40:40

I'd also like to give you an internet hug, ((*Melissa*)).

You say you're on ADs. Are you also receiving counselling? If not, can you request some from your GP?

You sound like you have so much pain inside. Please talk to some RL friends -- perhaps not the other man, as that will confuse things too much. Getting romantically attached now while your emotions are so raw will just be another source of hurt to untangle. But a good solid BFF that you can pour your heart out to? Someone who will listen and let you talk?

Keep talking on this thread too, if that helps! We're listening.

Melissaanddoug Mon 25-Jul-11 16:00:47

Thank you for those replies.
I've been having Therapy on and off for some time, just answering your question made me realise that I'd had the withholding affection/sex conversation with a therapist some 4 years ago! I remember be aide he said my need for affection was palpable, I'm beginning to sound like I feel very sorry for myself.
I know you are right that being depressed isn't something horrible im indulging myself in and inflicting on him,'to be honest I had felt that
I'd been doing q well at running a house/childcare well, Buthelezi things going to pot housewise at mo and I'm worried about the effect of my sadness and his coldness towards me on the kids.
I'm taking great support from the replies, they reaffirm
What I know,'that withholding sex and affection is a pretty cruel course of action. But honestly, he can't make himself fancy me a hug however as you say, should be bearable.
I can't begin to explain the effects that these years of sexual rejection and coldness have. If somebody, like guy I was in email contact with, shows an interest I feel exhilarated and grateful and angry all at once.'
I would just so love to know that I can move beyond this and find some body who fancies and likes me. But formallmsorts of reasons, financial, children, etc etc I can't see a way out and I have this 'who would want me anyway' given my age 40,'children,'career given up, depression etc etc. It just seems so hopeless.

Melissaanddoug Mon 25-Jul-11 16:03:39

I am beginning to feel it's ok to allow myself talk to friends,'I know this will help. Once again, horrendous typos, please forgive.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 25-Jul-11 16:16:26

I remember be aide he said my need for affection was palpable, I'm beginning to sound like I feel very sorry for myself.

You have the right to be sad and hurt. Please don't use your low spirits as another reason to put yourself down!

I would just so love to know that I can move beyond this and find some body who fancies and likes me.

You don't need to have another man waiting in order to feel strong enough to question a relationship that's hurting you. You don't even need the certainty that there will be someone else, because face it that certainty is just impossible to have. The person who most needs to like you is you.

You deserve better treatment than you are currently getting from your H. You deserve respect and love and to be cherished like any human being with needs and feelings. The good news is that you can get this love and respect from yourself if no-one else will.

You're worth it, ((Melissa))

<hopes she is making sense>

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 25-Jul-11 16:16:54

Oh, and good for you for feeling strong enough to talk to friends!

cathkidstonbag Mon 25-Jul-11 18:32:14

I can totally totally empathise with you here. I know what it's like to live like this. Please I am begging you stop the contact with this man from your past. That way madness lies - trust me I know. I know it seems so wonderful to have somebody interested but if/when things go wrong you won't be strong enough to deal with it.
Talk to your RL friends. Open up and tell them, they probably know a lot already if they are good friends. They will help you and support you.
Your DH is an arse - but you know that. Don't think of into the future, concentrate on making you stronger now. Make yourself a priority for a while, eat well, get enough sleep, glossy magazines, comedy DVDs, chocolate. Whatever it takes to spoil yourself - do it. Get yourself back on track, you don't need a man to do that for you.
Look after yourself for a bit and it will all start falling into place.

Melissaanddoug Mon 25-Jul-11 23:56:22

I've spent the evening thrashing this out with a fantastic friend. I've cried lots but just the voicing of the events was enough to give me a certain jolt.
When I actually said some of the things I'd been through out loud I got how outrageous the situation was. Have not posted all details here.
Thank you for the last posts, The 'man waiting' is pathetic. Yes I fully acknowledge this, I'm very very weak at present and it was a balm
. I did break contact and feel wretched, and pretty horrible towards him to be honest, but I'm hoping he 'gets it'.
I've Been lurking on the no contact thread for support and it has helped.
'justcallme... ' yes you are right but it's so difficult, it was nice to feel that someone thought of me in a nice way, it's hard to let that go.
'it'sme...' yes the issues around depression are horrendously complex and I do feel so guilty for my lows.
I've not posted on here much before, the support is so appreciated. Thank you! And for the hugs.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 26-Jul-11 07:38:42

yay, melissa! You sound much better today.

maxybrown Tue 26-Jul-11 08:00:04

Melissa, I take my hat off to you - how on earth you can ever start to feel better when you live in that environment i do not know. I know it is difficult, but the choice is not stay or stay. He's pulling all the strings at the minute whilst you slowly rot. But glad you are talking to RL people too. Remember YOU are wirthy too, you are the most important person in your childrens lives. The very fact you are seeking help is brilliant too - shows some strength there certainly.

Your H is a bully, if he had anything about him, he would be trying to help you get on top - if for nothing else but the sake of his children. Even if he does not love you in that way anymore, does not mean he has to tread on you each time he sees you. Why on earth would he want the Mother of his children to feel so shit and be happy with that? shock

What makes him better than you? Well - nothing at all is the answer. Only difference is, you are depressed and in a depressive environment and thus finding it hard to pick yourself up, quite understandably!

Be with him/near him as little as possible. Surround yourself with as many positive strong people as you can. For how can someone who feels so low ever pick up when they are constantly being batted back down? Well, you can't - but it's amazing how much we can pick up when the biggest part of our lives is posititivity and you need to get that from whatever/whomever you can. ONly you can control you, you can't control him so leave him to it. It's about getting as much strength as you can muster - be that on here, from your GP, friends, family and letting the tide turn. Do youhave any good family you can talk to - Mum? Do they know what you are going through? Hope you are ok and sending you as much strength as possible smile

LizaTarbucksAuntie Tue 26-Jul-11 08:04:05

Melissa - keep it up! It's amazing onc eyou take that first step, how much easier life gets, however things get sorted out for you.

I'm not around much for the next little while, but don't forget there are people thinking of you and lending strength.

Wecanfixit Tue 26-Jul-11 08:05:38

Talk,talk and keep talking to your firends or a counsellor your Doctor should be able to refer you, so sorry for your depression, but i agree think you need to get away from your DH , he is not making things better for you, please phone Womans Aid and just talk to them they will give you terrific support and guidance and will help you see the way , best of luck.

cathkidstonbag Tue 26-Jul-11 08:07:13

I really do know how hard it is to let that go. I've been there and am trying to deal with the repercussions now. Nothing makes you feel more worthless than a DH who makes you feel like crap, unless its when you have another bloke doing it as well. The thing is (and I was told this but didn't listen!) if he was a friend he would be helping you and advising you on your marriage. He's not because you're weak and vulnerable and enjoying his attention and he knows that. He knows for not much effort he can get results. Please try and forget him and concentrate on you. If his feelings are hurt that's not your fault. Don't feel sorry for him, feel sorry for you. Find help anywhere you can. So glad you talked to your friend. This is the start of being able to get back to a happy you smile

Melissaanddoug Tue 26-Jul-11 11:14:41

These Messages do mean so much, I've been re-reading in an attempt to keep going on. I do have flashes of I can do it but am easy shaken, I just find it's so easy to loose belief in my ability to stay strong.
When I think I can work up to discussing leaving I just think of how very sad it will make the children.
I'm keeping going by just putting one foot in front of the other at the moment.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 26-Jul-11 11:34:07

You're doing great. Keep going. Don't worry if you get shaken and blown off course occasionally; it happens to everyone.

If you don't want to discuss leaving, then don't. You don't need anyone's blessing to leave.

If you want that discussion for your own self, then one day you will work up the strength to have it.

You can do it. Try to reach those moments when you can be wholly, completely and unconditionally good to yourself, and then you will know that you are doing the right thing, whatever that may be.

maxybrown Tue 26-Jul-11 12:08:21

Melissa of course it is! Hard i mean or easy to lose belief - especially when you are surrounded by such negativity.

I think you will be surprised about your children. How can it be any good to them staying if the centre of their world is so desperately sad?

You can do it you can do it!! I am in the North West if you are anywhere near me am happy to give RL support too smile

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