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Friends divorces and how they effect you.

(7 Posts)
redderthanred Mon 25-Jul-11 10:30:55

My lovely friend has just emailed me to tell me( and some others) than she has moved back home with their children and is seperated from her husband. She left without telling anyone and is now miles away. She said they felt it was best, but it was reluctant on her part.

She was my friend when i first got married. Our husbands were in the army, and that year i made close friends with 6 women. Only one of them is still married. Its shockingly sad.

I have obviously emailed her words of support and told her she can call me at any time.

Im devestated for her, having only been in that position 2 3/4 of a year ago myself and its brought up so many old, forgotten feelings that i really feel quite upset.
Im still angry at the injustice of my own situation it seems. In fact, right now, im a fuming mass of rage about it. For myself and for her, and for everywoman that gives so much only to be told a few years down the line by their husbands that they dont love them any more.

I dont really know why im posting this, other than hopefully somoene might tell me they have felt the same way, because i would never tell somoene how this has made me feel. its selfish, its not about me, but about her. But god. my faith in men is so depleated.

SoCalledFeminist Mon 25-Jul-11 10:37:02

hi, i haven't been in the situation but i know from watching my sister that it can take years and years to process that anger. i think she's still angry 10years on. at the end of the day she thought she was building her life, she chose to have children because of that belief and to have it all taken away and end up with a life which she didn't choose seemed massively unjust to her. you can tell years on that even though she is happy enough in her life she still feels that life hasn't been fair to her and she is still quite bitter about it all.

Apocalypto Mon 25-Jul-11 10:44:01

Why is your faith in men depleted? If these husbands have all been unhappy, what should they do? Just lump it for ever?

These threads are full of posts from women bemoaning their crappy marriages. He's no good, he won't have more children, he won't change his mind, etc. These women are then urged by other posters (not all, but many) to think of nobody but themselves. Leave him; get pregnant without telling him; suit yourself and fuck everybody else.

Fair enough, but sauce for the gander, surely.

redderthanred Mon 25-Jul-11 10:55:45

Just because, from my own experinces, and im mostly talking Army wives here, so its a little different.
They give up SO much. friends, family, home, jobs, everything to follow these men around. They wait patientally for maybe 6/9 months, on their own, with children, while the men are away.
They are supportive so much so that many just have to sacrifice so much. Only it seems, for then man to run off with someone else.
yes, the man might not be happy, of course, that is an issue, and of course i understnd that and of course, thats not right at all.
But it just seems so unjust and unfair for one person to give so much, and then to be left with nothing.
My poor friend left witout telling anyone, shes organised a new home all by herself ( miles and miles from where she was living while she was married. She said she couldnt tell anyone and didnt want to cry. I did the same. did a midnight flit because i felt so much shame. My other friend also did the same. Its fucking sad. Thats all.

jjgirl Mon 25-Jul-11 11:04:24

i must admit it was the shame that i felt when my husband left that was the worst thing. of course i could not hide as my husband was a vicar in the church, i soon got over the shame when i told people why he had left and gained a lot of support in doing that. that support gave me a lot of confidence to move on.

HappyWoman Mon 25-Jul-11 11:23:38

I have just helped a friend who was in a similar situation to me and when the same old cliches play out in front of you it does bring back some anger and some of the old sad feelings again.

I also 'get' the giving up so much for your h and family.

And you are right that what is good for the goose ........
however all too often these men do just up and leave (for someone else) without ever talking to their family about just how unhappy they are.

I am lucky in that my h also feels the anger when he sees the same thing happening to others and also sad when he sees families destroyed.
I think we both can see the bigger picture too now which is frustrating at times.

kaluki Mon 25-Jul-11 11:34:24

Our best friends are splitting up at the moment and it is so painful to watch.
On one hand it makes me so grateful that my DP is so lovely but on the other I feel so bad for my lovely friend and what she is going through.
DP and I have had to agree not to discuss what is happening to them because we are starting to take sides and it is causing disagreements between us.

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