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Why do I feel like this am I over reacting X going to friends wedding with OW

(8 Posts)
steelchic Sun 24-Jul-11 16:08:27

I've posted before ond your advice has really helped me get through my marriage break up.
Brief background
H left in Feb, I found out by accident when he was abroad on business that he had rented a house 2 miles down the road from the family home (I phoned his mobile and it went on to his voicemail messages heard message from his letting agency) _ someone up there was trying to tell me something I think. Anyway when I confronted him with it. he denied it then when pushed he told me he had rented a flat - it's actually a 3 bedrooom detached house. Since found out he had beed having an affair since last October - this is when our marriage went downhill by January he was a nightmare to live with, I now know why. OW lives 200 miles away but apparently her work has an office near here so she can work from there. I think she has moved in with him although he denies this and says she spends alot of time here but not moved in.
We have 3 DC's (one 25 how has her own place the other 2 are 7 &11 . We have all been shattered by the break up. He see's the DC's alot although I have refused to let him have them over to his until he lets me know what his living arrangements are (our middle DD is going to High school after the hols and is going through alot of changes she would be devestated if she knew her dad has someone else)
Slowly but surely I'm getting better I've realised he is a selfish coward of a man. He cannot be straight with me on anything If i ask a direct question he mumbles or skirts around things. He hates confrontation or so he says but he is just a coward and a lier , he has changed so much. also no one realy knows about the OW mutual friends, kids friends parents or family. He does not want his perfect family man image to be smashed.
Anyway, sorry I'm rambling on the latest thing I've found out is that he has sneaked his kilt out of his wardrobe - he still has some clothes here, he would love me to pack his bags for him but he can do it himself but he is not man enough. he would say well you packed my stuff it was your decision (and ignore all he has done to get to this point) Instead he sneaks bits and pieces out when I'm not there.
We have a friend who moved abroad but is coming back to get married, so he is obviosly taking HER to the wedding - this group of friends must know about her but apart from the groom I don't really know the rest of them. they haven't met or DC'S or anything.
Why am I angry?? I wasn't expecting him to take me (I asked him last week when the wedding was and he said he couldn't remember the date !!) but he will be wearing the same outfit he wore to our wedding ! when he is with her.
I just hate the way he sneaks stuff out why can't he just man up and tell me.

Sorry about long and rambling post xx

notsorted Sun 24-Jul-11 16:55:24

Hi, don't want to leave your message unanswered.
Have you gone to a solicitor's re where you are with marriage breakup? I'd just chuck the whole lot out of the bedroom window on the ground - preferably when it's raining and then text him to tell him it's outside. But I guess that would leave you open to some kind of legal action? Maybe not? If you are seeing a solicitor they might be able to tell you what to do.
What he is doing is cruel, unbelievably so. Rubbing salt in wounds. I know how you feel, if that's any consolation. Spend afternoon in garden in tears determined that OW would not see DCs ever. Mine is such an idiot that she'd end up looking after them.
Cry, let it all out but don't show ex H how much you care.

steelchic Sun 24-Jul-11 17:11:22

Hi Thanks for your reply, I haven't been to sol yet, although I know that will have to happen. I just wanted him to come to his senses dump the OW and come back to his family, I know this won't happen now and to be honest I could never trust him he has done too much. I sent him a text saying I noticed he'd sneaked his kilt out and would be wearing it to our friends wedding and he would be wearing his wedding outfit in the company of his home wrecking girl friend oops. He sent reply saying he would not be wearing it as it has sentimental value (why take it now then timeing bit of a coincidence- can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth). The thought of him and his GF spending time with my kids playing happy familes makes me sick.
How are you? I assume you are you going through the same just now xxx

BitOfFun Sun 24-Jul-11 17:18:06

Why is he still coming into your house?

steelchic Sun 24-Jul-11 17:34:30

He comes over to see the DC'S last night he was babysitting them. Also we have had to share the childcare over the school holidays as we both work, He can work from home so he can work here and look after them. I know he could have them at his house but the DC's know nothing about OW. Its not a good time in our DD's life to tell her just now she would be devestated and tbh I think he knows this If they went to his he could hide all her belongings (his suggestion) but the kids would want out to play and someone would say is that your mum and dads house. Also we have quite a large house, too much for me to maintain so he will do the jobs I struggle with. I cannot afford to pay for someone else to do the jobs and its also still his property too so he can help to maintain it

notsorted Sun 24-Jul-11 18:07:05

do whatever makes it work for the school holidays. But how about getting some counselling - relate - just for yourself. It is a devastating blow. You have every right to feel anger, grief and all the rest. And unfortunately while he is still in your face house it will be very hard for you to get the necessary distance. Do you have a mutual RL friend who could be an intermediary for you both?
If you need to speak out, do. And perhaps speaking first will give you the upper hand, chance to tell your side before he does.

steelchic Sun 24-Jul-11 18:33:47

Hi notsorted, we did both go to relate, at first he was keen but we were going for different reasons I was going to see if we could mend our relationship and get back together, he was going to see if he was doing the right thing or not. we got nowhere cos he could not see that we could not even attempt to mend things when he refused to give up ow, he always said that if he thought we could work things out he would dump her but not before. I think I need to tell people that we're over, DC's friends mums etc. I've told a couple and they have been shocked but supportive I also took my wedding ring off a couple of days ago, so thats a forward step. TBH I don't have many RL friends I lost touch with most as I built my life around H & kids. My family and his family have not been really supportive. MIL & FIL have been ok said they would help with kids etc (they are both in their late 70's so I don't like to ask too much) Also they think the sun shines out of H's backside and I think this is why he is so selfish In their eyes he can do no wrong (even commiting adultery is acceptable because poor little boy wasn't happy, not his fault) BIL & SIL haven't been in touch so I'm pissed off with them, I told H I will never be the same with them as they haven't even asked after kids - he said well they haven't asked after me either (bohoo).
I know I need to get some distance between us and I'm trying. I went on holiday with kids and older daughter (holiday was booked when we were together 1 week before split - coward again let me go and book holiday). When we were away I did not call him but agreed he could call kids a few times he always asked to speak to me but I always kept the call brieff. He has actually commented that I have changed and he does not seem happy about it . So if I cry and hang on to his leg as he's leaving he's not happy. If I get stronger and try to be more distant - he's not happy. !!!

notsorted Sun 24-Jul-11 18:43:40

Mmm sounds familiar. I got verbal abuse for both sides for being either weak or strong. And then he tried to assert himself ie tell me to do what he asked or else ... well he went off with the or else. And yup, I hope it won't last and she'll see him for what he is - manipulative, lying, happy to play victim than be a confident self-assured person, who is capable of fathering his DCs.
I'm not one to talk as sometimes feel as weak as used tissues, but go for the strong option. Best revenge is a happy life for that you need to be strong, and it's a good place from which to view him.
Ok life isn't exactly happy at the moment, I guess but it's something to work towards.
And talk to DCs friends' mums, you may find some really supportive new friends through that.


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