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(35 Posts)
newbiemum22 Sun 24-Jul-11 04:03:46

hi, i'm new to the site and as it's 4 in the morning it's obvious i can't sleep. I want some honest advice about whether it's right to give up on a relationship when i have a 10 week old son. the obvious answer would be no but here me out... my partner has always been bad tempered and since having our son he seems to be out all the time. he's just rolled in an hour ago and is due in at work at 7am. he doesn't think he is in the wrong when he swears in front of our son and has no issue with having a go at me while he is in the room. he may be too young to understand what he is saying but i no he shouldn't have to listen to him shouting. he works few hours and spends what he earns on what he feels like. is it what all new dads go through? or is he just a selfish git!?!? it's worth adding he dotes on our baby but what's worse an unhappy mum or his parents passing him to and fro? any advice..??

TDada Sun 24-Jul-11 04:11:50

Sorry to hear. What other redeeming characteristics does your DP have? I think that you are right to be concerned about the mood and background in the house even for the newest born baby.

newbiemum22 Sun 24-Jul-11 07:11:50

at the moment i'm struggling to see any. i had to practically force him to work this morning to stop him gettin the sack. when he is in a good mood he can be lovely but these days he is only in a good mood when he is out or holding are son. i seem to just be the annoying person that floats around in the background tidying n cleaning. the best way to describe him is like a typical teenager who only wants to do things for themselves! for the record i realise i am young but he is 27 and should surely be able to be more responsible now he has a son. Then my head starts telling me i'm probably the one in the wrong as he says what he does is nothing to do with me as it's 'his life' only it's not it's his families life! :-(

GiveMeSomeSpace Sun 24-Jul-11 08:47:18

Hi newbie. Sorry to hear it's tough at the moment.
Bringing up a baby is tough. I suppose he'll be fiinding all the change hard and may not be coping with it well. But guess what. That's life and it's hard for all parents, mothers and fathers. When you have a baby, priorities change and life moves on. As you say, you both now have responsibilities and whilst it sounds like you are taking these reposnibilities seriously, clearly he is not.

A few things jump out at me.

He says it's "his life". Well you've hit the nail on the head when you say it's now his family's life. YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG. You are a team now and he has to choose if he wants to be a team player or not. Someone who doesn't want to a team player has no place bringing up children in my opinion and is ignoring their responsibilities.

Work - His responsibilties include working hard to provide for the family. So he needs to pull his finger out at work and taking it seriously.

Age difference - I'm guessing you're 22 from your nickname. That might be relatively young, but that doesn't mean you know less than him when it comes to bringing up your child. From what you say, you are clearly a better parent than him even though he is older. Sometimes, an older guy can impose his views on a younger partner just because he is older and thinks he knows best or thinks he is in charge. Clearly that is unacceptable.

Respect - it doesn't sound like he treats you with respect, whether that be in front of your child or just between the two of you. In my opinion, a good relationship can only work with mutual respect.

I am a believer that it is all to easy to give up on relationships these days, but the problem with this is that sometimes you can end up putting up with things that are unacceptable from a partner because you want to 'work at it'. So I think you have to stay true to your beliefs and make sure you are not selling yourself short by accepting behaviour that is not acceptable.

Raising children is so hard. I've found it the hardest time of my life and it has put a huge strain on my relationship with my wife. But we recognise this and make sure we both pull our weight, treat each other with respect and put our children first.

Stay true to your beliefs and make sure you preserve your self respect. It sounds like you're doing a great job. Don't be pushed around.

Good luck smile

Anniegetyourgun Sun 24-Jul-11 08:56:40

Newbie, please note that the first two replies to your post were from men, both saying this behaviour is unacceptable. So no, it isn't something all new dads do! It's a good sign that he loves his son but the rest of it is absolute rubbish. What kind of example did he get from his parents? Are they the same or would they give him a good kicking?

jasper Sun 24-Jul-11 09:00:25

Did he want this baby?

notsorted Sun 24-Jul-11 09:30:13

So sorry to hear you are in this position.
I struggled for three and a bit years with some - much older - who didn't pull his weight and resented all the work that goes into bringing up a child. It didn't work out and I wonder if it ever could have done.
Good ways of looking at this is that he is sleep deprived/stressed/frightened by the responsibility (It's not an age thing, just a level of maturity that some of us reach early, some late and some never at all).
Do you have family or his family to come and gently give some support and be there showing him by example what needs to be done? Or ask the HV for some advice? Perhaps it's the fact that he knows he is not doing things right and someone else could help him deal with that more objectively?
"A good father respects the work his partner puts into raising children and supports her in what she does for the family". That's quite a good maxim against which to judge how he is behaving.
Take a deep breath, take it slowly and if you can. There is quite a lot of advice on good fathers v bad fathers around - see Pat Craven - but it is in the context of abusive relationships, which may be a bit extreme for your situation.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 24-Jul-11 09:35:32

notsorted, you think rolling in drunk at 6am and shouting and swearing at his wife holding a small baby isn't abusive? ^^

newbiemum22 Sun 24-Jul-11 13:38:40

it's great to hear from a man's perspective that i'm not the one in the wrong as i am so often lead to believe. as for being tired i bf my son and so he gets a full night sleep every night ( not even a screaming baby wakes him) and i am certain he isn't depressed as he seems more than happy to go out with his mates all the time. o and both his parents would go mad if they realised how little he does. 'givemesomespace' explains my dilema well. either i stay and hope things improve, which i feel is unlikely, or give up and possible not trying harder when my son grows up and asks why we aren't together

Newbabynewmum Sun 24-Jul-11 13:54:22

I was the same (although there had been some violence previous to the pregnancy) - I left when my DD was about 10 weeks and havent looked back. It feels like an impossible thing to do - look after a child alone - but it's not. It's hard. But so rewarding.

I'm not saying you should leave him (I think that tbh - but uve had enough people tell u that) but don't let having a young child stop you from going if you want to. It sounds like you do all the childcare anyway so how much harder can it be?

Do you have friends and family around? Can you talk to them about it? I never told anyone what it was like as I was so embarrassed. When I realised it wasn't all my fault and told them it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders x

Newbabynewmum Sun 24-Jul-11 13:55:05

(my DD has just turned 10mo and I love being on my own with her. It's hard. But she's amazing x)

newbiemum22 Sun 24-Jul-11 14:38:35

well i work at a nursery before i went on maternity leave so i am not worried about that side of things although i suppose i am worried about feeling like i'm doing what everyone in the family will expect, no one expected us to last yet it's been nearly 4years. i've tried explaining that just because he works a few shifts doesn't mean he has the 'right' to relax the rest of the time and that surely when he is home he should try and help. it all falls on deaf ears though. i know my mum and her partner would take me in for sure but as they both have stressful jobs and a 4 year old i would feel as if i was intruding. I can totally empathise with feeling embarassed about been seen as some sort of failure.

he is one of those people though that if i try and explain any thoughts i'm being 'nosy' or 'need to loosen the reigns' a saying which i am getting very sick of hearing.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Jul-11 14:48:54

love, if you were my daughter, I would be helping and encouraging you to leave such a man

I would not make you feel guilty for choosing him in the first place

he is proving himself to be a shit partner and a shit father

is that someone you want in your baby's life, full time ?

it seems you would be no worse off in any way, if you go your own way, without him

I would also put money on the fact he would try and tell you that you should stick together for the sake of the baby

in my mind, you should split for the sake of the baby

and I have a sneaking suspicion that after initially making a lot of noise about how he has "rights" his single-man, child-free lifestyle will soon take over all his attention again

if he cannot support you in every possible way he can, he has to go

atm, all he is doing is causing you more stress

I would never forgive him for tainting your precious time with a new baby by acting like such a fuckwit

HedleyLamarr Sun 24-Jul-11 15:05:39

^What Anyfucker says^^^.
When I became a dad for the first time I was working shifts. When on earlies I would get home and look after our son while she had a nap. On lates I would get up as early as I could to help out. I also did all the ironing and probably half the other domestic chores. This bloke is taking the piss. Tell him he needs to buck up (his ideas) or fuck off.
She still chucked me for a "better" model though gringrin

AnyFucker Sun 24-Jul-11 16:06:22

Sorry to hear that, Hed sad

newbiemum22 Mon 25-Jul-11 17:23:44

after a very long rant to said partner last night he seemed to take the hint, after taking someones advice i basically gave him an ultimatum that if he didn't change quickly we would be leaving. Although at first he was giving me the whole 'you can't take him away from me' i carried on and explained at the difference he wouldn't notice if we were there or not he seemed shocked and got upset as it dawned on him that i was very unhappy. After helping out a lot more today he surprised me...although he is still going out for drinks with work that was planned a few months ago. i suppose it all depends if the few drinks turns into a night out again or if he sticks to his promise that this is the last night in a while. He also suggested going to water babies and did some research of local swimming pools, not much but hopefully a sign of things to come

garlicbutter Mon 25-Jul-11 18:36:18

Hope this works!

Do keep posting if it helps, and definitely come back here if it turns out to be a short-term effort to rope you back in. I do feel it's worth talking honestly to your family as well, they might do a bit of "told you so" but it'll be good to know you can talk smile

GiveMeSomeSpace Mon 25-Jul-11 20:24:53

Great stuff newbie

Stick by your guns and stay true to your beliefs and convictions. My Mum and Dad taught me from an early age that if you let people walk over you, they will. Don't allow them to.

Good luck smile

HedleyLamarr Mon 25-Jul-11 21:12:29

Good luck Newbie!

Thanks AnyFucker. She chucked me for someone who, unknown to me until earlier this year, treated her and our DCs badly, both emotionally and physically. She eventually dumped him, something he refuses to accept. There is now a court order (which he keeps breaching) to stop him contacting her.
He is an utter cunt the world would be better off without.
Sorry about that! blushgrin

newbiemum22 Mon 25-Jul-11 21:22:20

from what your saying Hedleylamarr things could be worse! sorry to hear that. so glad i found this site to speak to people with common sense and an honest opinion, no doubt i'll be on again soon if he doesn't stick to his word but even if i don't thanks for all your support

newbiemum22 Mon 25-Jul-11 22:29:17

oh shock horror, just got a phone call, the few drinks with work has turned into a night out! he rang to apologise that he was breaking the promise he made YESTERDAY to change, said 'i know i'm a bastard, i'm so sorry' !?!? how does that fix it!? i said if he cares at at all to come home and the response i got was 'sorry i haven't been out with them in ages, i never get the chance!' so fed up :-(

bejeezus Mon 25-Jul-11 22:39:17

hi newbiemum---sounds like you will be looking after your baby on your own even if you stay with your P sad

IME that would be easier to do without him in your home, drunk and shouting...I used to get really ground down by the added disruption to my sleep...tiny baby + drunk loud inconsiderate husband stumbling in, at 3/4/5/6 am

newbiemum22 Mon 25-Jul-11 23:05:18

why can't he see how much he is hurting me? seems to think texting telling me he loves me will fix things.. but him being here sober would mean he really cared. so so so fed up, the last thing i want to do is give up but he's making it so hard to want to stay sad

garlicbutter Mon 25-Jul-11 23:12:12

Sweetie, he CAN see how much you're hurting. That's why he said sorry. He knows, but it doesn't look like he cares - at least not enough to interrupt his social life on your account or the baby's sad

Sad for you. I agree with him, he is a bastard. A feckless, self-centred one who thinks you'll put up with any old crap because you're tied to the baby.

Have you actually thought that you ARE a single mother??

newbiemum22 Mon 25-Jul-11 23:20:24

i told him i am practically a single mum and he told me not to be ridiculous and blames it on the fact he's always working! my mum constantly tells me i let people walk all over me and deep down i know she is right. it shocks me that he doesn't take one look at his son and instantly want to be a better person because every time i look at him that's what i feel, that he is the most important person in the world

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