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Sister in the huff.

(8 Posts)
giggly Sun 24-Jul-11 01:27:28

My sister fell out with me in Jan as I wouldnt watch her youngest child while she and her dh went away for the weekend.Long history of her asking for lots of favours but being very shy of giving anything back

.Part of the problem is that she thinks she is very giving, which she may be, just not to my family.

I spent a huge amount of time with her 2 oldest when they where younger babysitting however she has never so much as had either of my dc 5 and 2 for an afternoon.
Should point out that we both have dh and both work the same hours with no other commitments.

Now my dilema is that having had no contact since dn birthday in April my dd is starting to ask why her aunt and cousins who she adores are not visiting anymore. I feel really sorry for her as she have no other cousins.

I feel really angry at my sister for not giving back the same attention I gave her children but I know that she doesnt feel that she has done anything wrong, she has a very high opinion of herself.

So I am stuck with the usual part of having to give in so that my dd has a relationship with her cousins or keep true to myself and let the relationship flounder.

My poor parents are acting as go betweens and are getting upset.
I am just looking for other views on the merit of giving in again in order that my dd doesnt lose out.

BitOfFun Sun 24-Jul-11 01:30:37

I wouldn't "give in", but can't you phone her and at least discuss your feelings?

ILoveUMama Sun 24-Jul-11 06:03:43

The best thing to do is talk to her and let her know you love her and that it would mean alot to you and your family if she would spend more time with you. Take turns watching each others children that way no one is burdened more than the other. If she doesn't want to watch your child then do not watch hers instead get together with her and your children to bond that way. Most important let go of the past and try to start fresh. If you hold onto the resentment over the past then you do not give her a chance to do things differently now.

gillybean2 Sun 24-Jul-11 11:06:48

I haven't spoken to my sister for well over a year, for similar reasons. My ds is aware that she said she 'doesn't consider us part of her family' and that I am fed up of doing all the giving - though not all the details.

She also thinks she is the wronged party and that I am selfish for wanting things my way, even though what I wanted was for my ds to have a realtionship with his cousins and a family (given that he is an only child and I am a lone parent)

I let her walk all over me for years, taking and rarely giving back and prioritising her wants and needs over anyone elses.

I offered to take her, her husband and dc away for ds's birthday and she told me should couldn't afford to go. I said I had intended to pay for it. She said she couldn't think of anything worse that a weekend away with a house full of kids and it would be her idea of 'the holiday from hell'. Well sorry this was about the dc and them having a fab time and not about you...

Looking back now I realise she has always been like this. Many times he made excuses blaming her dh, but I see now that it was actually her.

Enough was enough. I put up with far longer than I should of precisely because my ds is an only child and adores his cousins. But he only ever saw them when I made the effort, had them over, or took them out for the day. We rarely got invited over and I felt like I was intruding by asking if we could pop in on our way back from shopping even! I told my nephews they could come over any time and simply to tell their mum and I would come get them (half hour drive each way, but hey I was always epected to do it). She told them they couldn't invite themselves over and had to wait to be invited. So I was left thinking am I supose to ask to come over or should I be waiting for an invite - which rarely came)

To be honest, just because someone is family doesn't mean they can treat you badly and walk all over you and that you should put up with it.

You have to decide for yourself whether you think talking will help or change anything. I have decided it's not worth it any more, and the huge weight lifted from me from that decision has helped me see it was the right decision for me.

My sister of course has a very different take on teh whole situation. I no longr care what she thinks tbh.

My ds does still see his cousins. But only when they visit their grandparents. He is upset of course, but he also sees how unfair it was before.

Noreturn Sun 24-Jul-11 15:11:50

Why don't you write her a letter, explaining how you feel. It is a shame if you both are not able to let this pass, especially for your children and parents. I have had a similar situation with my siblings. They are older than me and when their kids were younger I did a lot of childcare. I was not married and child free. Now years later their children are independent, mine are toddlers, yet I have not had any help from them. I once asked if they could look after mine for a weekend, and both made lame excuses. It is annoying but I guess circumstances change, It might be they you have a relationship based on getting the kids together and catching up but asking no big favours.

giggly Mon 25-Jul-11 00:02:50

Thank you for your replys.
Like gilly I realised that this has gone on for years, no doubt if I called she would forgive meconfused the last time I told her how her behaviour makes me feel she ceased contact for about 6 weeks until I finally gave in as I missed by neices who were young at that time.

Lesson learned, do not tell her the truth as she truly believes she has done no wrong.

What really pisses me of is the amount of time and support I have given her family over the years and she never goes out of her way to see us.

She visits our aunt who lives a 5 minute drive from my house and doesnt tell us shhe is there or drops in on us.I find this out by default.

Until I had my dd#2 18 months ago I had my 2 dn to stay over every 6 weeks for years which my dd#1loved. I really do believe that she is only interested in her own dc. My father told me today that he is upset at her selfish behaviour, his words, so no doubt she will get a row from himwink

I think I will leave it and see what comes from dads speech!

Apocalypto Mon 25-Jul-11 11:28:04

I bet she's your older sister, am I right?

She's spent her entire life accustomed to being the centre of attention and then you came along and fucked it all up existing. You didn't just do it once, you kept doing it. You were a cute newborn when she was a snot-encrusted 3-year-old. Then you were a cute 3 year old when she was a less cute 6 year old. Then you looked pretty at her wedding, you cow. You acted in your proper role as her servant when her kids came along, but then you had the nerve to have some of your own and moved the centre of gravity again - away from her.

What a cow you are! And your DH is better looking than hers and it's all your fault.

In practical terms all you can do is try to set up cousin meets on neutral ground, or maybe see if her DH and yours can deliver the kids. They are probably uninvolved / uninterested in the feud and thus more able to behave like grown ups than her.

gillybean2 Mon 25-Jul-11 14:07:10

not sure where you get that from Apocalypto. Maybe you're projecting your own situation? In my case my sister is younger than me. Can't comment on the OP of course...

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