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Clawing back my self esteem - husbands affair is making me feel guily and worthless

(13 Posts)
TonicBlue Sat 23-Jul-11 21:26:13

Right Mumsnetters I need your help! Sorry if this is disjointed... opretty much how I am feeling

My H has admitted to having an affair for the past 7 months when I challened him. He says he wants to stay but has made very little effort in making me feel like he really wants to. He still see's the OW (they work together) and is still engaging in an emotional relationship with her. I know they at least fantasise about being together sexually again and suspect that it may have happened although he denies the latter.

He does not really engage with me at the moment (very little talking, no physical contact at all, no emotional awareness of how I am feeling) and I am left feeling lost and in limbo - waiting for him to really start working at saving us which he says he wants or to decided that it's her he wants.

I've had enough of sitting around waiting for him to decide like a meek puppet.

If he wants to work then fine I am ready to look at myself and my behaviour and change things if he is but in the mean time I need to do things that get me out of the house and rebuilding my confidence.

So wise Mumsnetters I'm looking for suggestions of things I can do on a weekend for a couple of hours or on an evening or two that:
(a) get me out of the house
(b) get me talking to new people (and preferably not about babies/kids)

A bit about me, I'm a SAHM to a now nearly 3 year old and I am 7 months pregnant so this limits what I can do!

Ideas I have at the moment are a short adult education course in something or volunteering in the local community. I'm also thinking I need to start pampering myself so I might look at spa things even though I might have to do these on my own.

Am hoping you all might add suggestions to my list!

buzzsore Sat 23-Jul-11 21:32:18

Instead of these worthy but diversionary efforts, why don't you stop waiting for him to make his mind up, and make it up for him? Kick him out.

What's grinding you down is letting yourself be 'an option' for this guy. If you tell him to go, either he'll start trying to prove himself worthy of you or he'll sod off. He needs to shit or get off the pot.

buzzsore Sat 23-Jul-11 21:34:49

Anything else is a mere sticking plaster on a gaping wound.

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Jul-11 21:40:58

Hi TonicBlue - sorry to hear about your husband, especially with you being 7 months pg, but that just makes his behaviour all the worst.

I am sorry if this seems harsh, but don't sit around waiting for him to make up his mind whilst he is still with you but seeing her. He is having his cake and eating it. At the very least, if he wants to stay with you he needs to stop seeing her. If it's at work, he needs to ask to transfer teams/offices/whatever and the emotional and possibly physical stuff has to stop. (By the way, how do you know this is still going on? Is he telling you? That would be unacceptable, just rubbing your nose in it).

If he's not engaging with you, he's not trying to make it work. And if he's not trying to make it work, don't give him house room.

I know this is so easy to say and so difficult to do, but you need to get your self-respect back by getting rid of this sorry excuse of a man.

Be strong and brave, think what you would advise a friend in this situation and get angry! Loads of good luck, I know how hard this is.

FlubbaBubba Sat 23-Jul-11 21:43:59

At the risk of sounding insensitive, if finding out you were pregnant with your second child didn't knock some sense into him to stop the affair, why would he now change? Harder times ahead (newborn, plus the sibling jealousy of a nearly-3-year old is harder than just a newborn on its own) are unlikely to make him remember his original feelings for you IMO.

I know that doesn't answer your question, but feel you need to be braver about this. sad

Bandwithering Sun 24-Jul-11 00:07:11

I agree with buzzsore. Tell him to leave. At the moment he feels so in control. He gets to choose between two women! That's nice for him.

He doesn't seem repentent. He's not torn. He's not in pain that he's caused you pain. Tell him to go and if he wants to prove himself to you then that might save your marriage.

How shit for him to do this when you're pregnant.

nooka Sun 24-Jul-11 00:31:55

The person who should be feeling 'guilty and worthless' here is not you. I can totally understand that you are feeling awful, but in no way should you be feeling guilty, even if you think in some way your actions contributed to your dh turning to someone else he is the person that has betrayed you and he should be feeling mightily guilty about that.

Also if your dh is still having a relationship with the OW (sex or no sex) then I am afriad that he is he is still having an affair, and no recovery is possible until he decides to stop. When I discovered my dh's affair I didn't want to kick him out because I wanted him to be the one that chose to leave, and for him to take the responsibility for breaking up our family (and because I wanted more than anything else to mend things) but we didn't really start to rebuild until after he finally did move out.

So I do agree with others, I think you need to feel more in control and start to work towards taking your destiny in your own hands. In the meantime however I know that horrible evening feeling when you are in the same space as someone who has hurt you very much and is going on doing so, so I understand your need to get out. So, what d you enjoy doing? Is there anything you've always thought I'd like to know how to do that? What did you like doing for fun before you had children - do you feel you need to rediscover yourself perhaps?

I went to a find your colour/style person (for learning how to dress better), and had my nails painted for a while (I'm not very into pampering), but what really helped most was having some counseling.

nooka Sun 24-Jul-11 00:33:34

Oh what about pregnancy related stuff like yoga or aqua aerobics for pregnant women - it might be a bit baby orientated, but you might still meet people you like.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Jul-11 00:39:42

dear god

why are you looking to yourself to fix things ?

I say, take control

don't wait for him to make his mind up

that way madness lies

kick him out to deal with the consequences of his actions...if he goes to her, so be it, he would have done that in the end anyway

why the hell are you placing your emotional well being on the chopping board for your cheating husband to hack off at the neck?

find your self-respect, please

debs05 Sun 24-Jul-11 09:16:02

You have no control over his thoughts and actions, he is only thinking of himself. Until you start taking control and feel in control your self esteem will keep plummeting. If he's going to carry on this affair he will without regarding your feelings. All the while he has both you and OW in his life he is not dealing with the reality of what he's doing.

Im afraid you need to ask him to leave, he will not come to his senses until hes faced with losing what he's got with you. If he decides her then that's his decision that he would make anyway.

Ive been in your situation and Im actually shocked by how low my self esteem was that I let my husband treat me so badly. I'm not that person now, I took control of our marriage.

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Sun 24-Jul-11 09:29:27

Tonic I am in a similar situation to you (without DC). My H has been having an affair and has been 'thinking' for the last 6 weeks whether he wants me or her. I have been in bits, with zero self esteem like you and I promise the only thing that has helped is taking back control. My H has moved out and I've told him I'm not an option anymore.

I know it is so much easier said than done and that being pregnant makes it so much harder but I promise, from someone who's done it in the last week, you will only start to recover self respect and self esteem if you get him out and take away his power over you. I know its hard, I know. Keep posting and get as much RL support as possible. Don't protect him, make sure you explain the situation honestly to your friends and family and I promise they will bend over backwards for you and be much better support than a spineless cheat.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Jul-11 10:18:19

good for you, youmake me wanna

OP, how are you feeling this morning ?

Bandwithering Mon 25-Jul-11 13:32:10

OP, just wondering, if you'd had an affair and weren't even apologising for it! but hmmming and hawwing about whether to pick the OM or your husband, how would he react!!??

Just saying. What we women put up with is ridiculous. I mean collectively. NOT talking about individuals. I put up with various bad behaviours for years. NEVER again. [epiphany face]

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