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And now we have hit Anger

(11 Posts)
wtfdoido Sat 23-Jul-11 21:18:42

First thread

Second thread

Briefly, H had a sexting affair beginning not as I thought in my first thread just after I got pg, but before, so within a couple of months of us getting married and I found out 2 weeks ago today.

And yesterday I hit "Anger". I was angry when I found out, dont get me wrong, but now I am absolutely fucking fuming and I hate him. I hate every fibre of the cheating lying shithead wanker. How fucking dare he wreck our family and my life for the sake of a wank to some dirty text and a picture of a pair of saggy tits? And they are btw, yes I hate her and am being bitchy but my tits ARE better than hers, no question!

When he is smiling and happy, admittedly that is only when he is with the baby or the kids, I want to smash his fucking face in because how dare he be happy? I am so miserable because he has torn my world apart, and he is being happy and he has no right.

When he is unhappy and miserable I want to smash his fucking face in then too because he has no right to sit around feeling sorry for himself when he is the reason all this is happening. I am the only one who has the right to cry and feel sad, not him.

Yes, I do know that the two statements above mean that he cant get it right, but to be quite honest the only thing he could do that would be right by me at the moment is disappear off the face of the fucking planet.

A few days ago I agreed to try counselling to see if it was possible to move past this, and tbh that was mainly for the family and because I want to be able to look back and know that I did atleast try. But now..........I can barely look at him because of this utter rage I have inside me. I literally had to talk myself out of destroying something of his that I happened to be holding when a red mist descended this morning. It was only because it was expensive and I sometimes use it that I didnt! That was what I was telling myself "you'll only have to buy yourself another one, so put it down and calm down". I have never understood the urge to physically attack someone before, but I get it now. I look at him and I want to hurt him so much, I can even imagine myself hitting him and smashing his face in and kicking him and god knows what else.

I would never do it, ever, but it scares me that I can have these overwhelming feelings of hatred and violence. I have never been like that before in my whole life, and heaven knows I have had reason. I was raped when I was much younger, and I never even had those feelings towards my rapist and most would say that they would have been justified if I had. So why do I have them now? I remove myself from the situation and kick the shit out of the bed (v hard wooden one, thankfully!) and pillows etc, and I am 100% sure I will never commit violence against him or anyone else, but as I said, the fact that sometimes I really want to and can imagine it has really scared me.

And I have started smoking again which I am utterly sick at myself for doing. My friend came round and she doesnt smoke either, but found a half smoked pack of 10 in her bag which we joked about that she must have gotten smashed and bought one night. And they were there, so I asked her for them and she gave me a hug, said that he wasnt worth smoking for, and left them with me with the instruction to "think about it, I love you too much for you to die of lung cancer". I cried and then smoked them anyway. In one way they have helped because I can go outside for a fag when I want to fucking kill him, so atleast there is that. Lung cancer v Prison, I dont make things easy do I?

I am such a mess and I hate him. I loathe him. I want him to stop asking me to do this and just fuck off. For ever and ever and ever.

vegetariandumpling Sat 23-Jul-11 21:32:14

Sorry this has happened OP. I'm not sure what to tell you, other than try counselling, but for yourself first and foremost. I think that individual counselling will be much more effective at this stage than couple's counselling. You may still be able to move past this, but in the meantime it might be worth considering asking him to move out to give you both some space.

Be kind to yourself, I think the anger you feel is not surprising tbh, but do seek help to work through it.

Hopefully someone else will be along with better advice.

wtfdoido Sat 23-Jul-11 21:39:46

thanks Vegetarian. I suppose I should have added to my OP that it was me ranting to get it out of my system. I am not sure that there is any constructive advice at this stage other than "keep calm and dont kill him!" I am just hoping that this will pass soon and I will stop ranting and raving.

I think you are right about the counselling. I am going to ask my HV to refer me because I have suffered severe PND in the past and although as was confident that I could spot the signs and head it off if it happens this time, now I am not so sure. When does unhappiness become depression? So I want to see someone now to be sure that it doesnt happen again, and they may be able to refer me on to a different counsellor if needs be.

Thanks again smile

pseudonomic Sat 23-Jul-11 21:39:51

Go out and run. Walk if you are not up to running. You need to physically exhaust yourself and let all this anger out. Smoking is not great but understandable. You can quit again later. Go blow off some steam.

Counselling later on. But right now do something physical. I dug the garden last time I got really mad. Helped no end and now, I have veggies.

Sorry you are having such a shitty time. I despair of most men really. sad

Fairenuff Sat 23-Jul-11 21:40:12

wtf you have every right to feel angry

The fact that he didn't acknowledge the seriousness of his sexting would have driven me bonkers too.

If you asked him to stay somewhere else for a while, would he?

So sorry you're going through this.

notsorted Sat 23-Jul-11 21:40:59

If you can go out and go running/walking or do some really aggressive ironing. Bang the pots and pans around, clean out the cupboards. Anger can be dangerous and destructive - at least you know breaking some crap of his will cost you, so you don't want to do it - but it is also in some way necessary. It's emotion override. Others might be sobbing for hours. Think of it, perhaps, in terms of a toddler tantrum; something that you've got to just get through.
And yes go and get some counselling on your own. You need space to think about what you want to do first off, don't worry about him. He's been f***king selfish, so do something for you now.

wtfdoido Sat 23-Jul-11 21:49:27

Faire, he would yes but that leaves me here with the other kids and a 7 week old, which is hard enough with 2 of us (and he does do his fair share), never mind on my own. It would be harder without him here from a practical pov tbh.
He has since acknowledged the seriousness of it, and admitted that he didnt see it as cheating because he didnt want to, so I suppose that is progress of a sort. Although it means that deep down he knew it was wrong and did it anyway, which makes me even more angry!

Psuedo, thanks for the advice. I am still physically limited after some pg problems but my displacement activity is cleaning which if you knew me you you would laugh your ass off about! I am not a natural housekeeper, I really have to try hard, but this last fortnight the house has never been so clean. My eldest asked if we were selling house, cheeky bugger! It hadnt occurred to me but I do feel less angry when i have had a good scrubbing session, so I will keep it up. It funny you should say that you despair, because I feel the same. You cant help wondering what state the world would be in if we were the same wouldnt you? My sister sent me an email once, I cant remember it exactly but it was something along the lines of "Why is that the leaders of most countries, businesses and parliaments are men and that the homemakers and primary carers of the next generation are women? Because women keep the important jobs for themselves" Says it all really.

blackeyedsusan Sat 23-Jul-11 21:51:09

you need to work off some of that anger... for your sake. try a walk if you can, or if you can't go out do laps round the garden or up and down stairs.

take care of yourself...

wtfdoido Sat 23-Jul-11 21:53:07

Notsorted, thank you, X posted about my cleaning. I will definitely keep it up. I have several jobs that I have been putting off doing because they will be physically hard work, but now I will attack them try and get rid of this pent up aggression. I will not allow myself to give into these feelings, and if that means that I use a months petrol allowance in trips to the tip then so be it.

cluckingduck Sun 24-Jul-11 05:13:30

You poor thing. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I've just read your previous threads and you are right, it's not fair that such shit things happen to underserving people.

I went through something almost exactly the same with my H. I was 7 months pg with DC2 when I found out that he'd been secretly contacting someone else. A woman he'd met via work who he thought was a great laugh as on the first day they'd met, she'd told him of a sexually explicit dream she'd had the night before apropos nothing hmm

They had a few months of sporadic emailing, texting and ringing each other before I found out and he cut all contact. Some of the things that I took great comfort from at the time was that it only got flirty at worst and there was never a great deal of contact. But I'm no fool and I know DH found the whole thing exciting, a turn on, an ego boost and would have enjoyed the flirting being more risque, whereas I think she changed tack and tried to play the damsel in distress.

And so, like you, my world fell apart when I found out. There is no denying that he was unfaithful to me at a time when I needed him most.

I had the exact feelings that you describe - I grieved for our lost relationship, I couldn't look at photos from that time without thinking of how he'd ruined mine and the DC's happiness and I had almost uncontrollable rage towards him. I also even re-started smoking!

Things are slowly getting better but it's by no means easy. We're now 2 years on and things are mostly better. We both had individual counselling to start and then went together. I insisted that he see someone spealicializing in sexual behaviour so that he could idenitfy what his weakness was so that it never happened again (wasn't much use TBH, her conclusion was basically that DH had deceived himself as to the extent of the "wrongness" of his behaviour but had been shocked into realizing how bad it was when he almost lost me and DC's)

Dh has really pulled his socks up on the home front too. He never works late now, is a better father and a kinder husband and is completely open with mobile, email etc. We now share passwords, bank accounts etc when before we'd happily kept things separate.

But, there are times when it comes back to bite you on the arse (like now for me!) DH's "OW" has now got back in contact with him because he never told her to feck off properly at the time. And he's been an twunt and handled it badly as yet again it's brought us down and made things miserable.

With the "benefit" hmm of experience and hindsight, the thing that helped me most was the individual counselling. It helped me get mad and if that's any consolation, it was that rage which helped me formulate in my mind the "ground rules" that DH was going to have to abide by or bugger off. These were things like showing me old emails, phone bills etc so I could see he was being truthful about their contact, changing his number, spending more time with his family, he even considered changing career (his profession is rife with affairs, deceit etc). And our counsellor was wonderful. I was worried that DH would be dismissive of the whole thing but he gave it everything and the counsellor even said she'd been struck by his sincerity when I was ranting about trusting him again.

It's been a long and fairly miserable journey which I could well have done without. But on balance, I made the right decision to stay although I only gave him another chance because we had children and I was very open about that. And DH really pulled his socks up - he (quite rightly) took all the blame, sucked it up and actively become a better man.

Good luck OP, hope things get better for you soon x

ShoutyHamster Sun 24-Jul-11 09:19:22

You're angrier at him than at your rapist because you trusted him and he betrayed you.

I think a part of your burning anger is also a feeling of unfairness- he's still there, he's with his children and family, he hasn't been punished for what he did.

I see what you mean - with having a baby, him leaving (and leaving you to it) actually makes it harder for you and easier for him.

I'd definitely go for counselling. And try and take all the great advice here on how to channel that anger positively. Running, exercising would be great - what better way to turn these feelings into something that benefits YOU in the long run? Don't be hard on yourself right now about stuff like smoking - you'll drop your crutches when the time is right.

Me... I think I would also be making sure that he knew that he wasn't getting off from this scot free. (Disclaimer: I am a horrible, and not very forgiving person). For a start, I would most certainly be making sure that he knew that the reason I needed counselling was partly to help me decide whether I could put this in the past, or whether I would eventually want to separate. Yes, I'd want to see him poo his pants in fear, quite frankly. So far, there seems to have been a fair bit of this having gone more at his pace than yours. So he finally 'admitted that he didnt see it as cheating because he didnt want to, so I suppose that is progress of a sort.' Oh yes, something to celebrate. hmm Perhaps the emphasis needs to be more on 'You cheated' <five seconds provided for him to absorb that> ...'so I might want to dump you, no I haven't made up my mind yet, why should I?' <another five seconds to make sure he gets that and start FUCKING PANICKING!> ...'so stop with the leisurely considering of what you think you might have done and start fucking making up some ground AND PRONTO.'

That's where you sweep out of the room, go for a looong run and leave him to do the dishes whilst sweating at the thought of a life in a bedsit once the baby is sleeping through the night.

You see? I am NOT NICE. smile

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