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Just can't trust DH

(42 Posts)
cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 11:36:53

Pah - so fed up with this.

To cut a long story short, DH struck up an inappropriate friendship with an other woman 2 years ago whilst I was pg with DC2. It was inappropriate because he it was secretive and flirty. However, they didn't meet and there was nothing sexually explicit and it wasn't often (i saw the available emails, texts and his phone records when this came to light).

It may sound trivial but it almost ended our marriage. We had counselling (individually and together) and to be fair, I thought we'd dealt with it as things seemed to be going well. We agreed that if she contacted him again, he'd tell me and we'd deal with it together.

Well, she contacted him this week and he just deleted the email! He told me what it said but when I asked to see it, he told me he'd just deleted it. I'm furious as he was supposed to be re-building my trust in him and now he's acted like a twunt (again).

I've actually managed to recover it from his deleted items and he'd told me the truth about what it said but I'm so fecking hacked off. How on earth was I supposed to know whether he was telling the truth, or if he'd replied (he hadn't). He knows he needs to rebuild my trust in him but said he was worried about us arguing over it so just deleted it hmm

I thought we'd dealt with all this angry

ohgawdherewegoagain Sat 23-Jul-11 11:47:16

He told you; he didn't respond. His crime here was deleting it before you had a chance to be involved in it. Trust can take years to re-build and sometimes it may never be fully established. It sounds as though you both have made huge leaps in improving your relationship so I would try not to over-react to this. Maybe what you have to do is to give him permission to deal with any future contact himself which really would demonstrate the progress you have both made.

cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 12:09:47

Thanks for the perspective on this! It's hard not to over-react. Was really hoping that we'd face the first "test" together, not feel like we've taken 2 steps back.

It'd be great to say that he could deal with any future contact himself, but the thing is, I don't trust him enough for that yet. And things like this feel like thry're eroding any progress made.

I think that's the thing that I'm really angry about - that he sort of gave himself that right to deal with it alone when we'd expressly agreed I'd have some input (btw - this is exactly what happened that last time she tried to contact him, when we were in the middle of all this!)

I feel very low over something that must look so trivial so thanks again

lazarusb Sat 23-Jul-11 12:27:59

I don't think it's trivial at all. Had a similar situation with DH and a friend of mine about 5 years ago. It felt like they had ripped out my heart and it could have ended our marriage. A relationship doesn't have to be physical to destroy your trust in someone. You and he had agreed to deal with things in a certain way and he didn't do that. I'd be angry too. If he wants you to trust him again then he needs to stick to the rules you agreed together.

cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 12:43:09

Thanks lazarusb

I'm lucky in that she's not a friend, so it's literally something that DH and I have dealt with ourselves (with the help of the wonderful counsellor). But the downside of that is that no-one knows (my choice) and so I have no-one to sound off to.

How did you manage to sort things out with your DH? SO far, I'd have said that my DH seems to have turned himself around - far more of a family man, more open, feels like a mch better partnership. But I'm so angry that he feels entitled to deal with this alone when it shattered my world sad

Think I may try to get an appt with our lovely counsellor again.

lazarusb Sat 23-Jul-11 12:55:15

It took a while. (This is long -sorry). At least a week of me crying pretty much constantly. He was very naive and let himself get into it. She was single with 2 dcs and he would go and help out with things around the house - with my complete blessing and encouragement. At that point I worked at the weekend and so he would take our dcs to her flat and they'd spend the day there, having lunch and playing while he did 'manly jobs!' and she played the thankful female.
When I realised what was going on - they were flirting right in front of me - I confronted him the following day. He said he didn't know what I was talking about so I spelled out what I'd seen. He was shocked, upset etc. But the one thing that still grates is that they phoned one another during that week to find out what each one had said to me hmm angry.
In the end, I asked her not to contact him again. I decided to give him a chance and things have been great since but I still watch like a hawk when they are in the same place. 3 months after this, I got a job in the same place as her grin she totally cut me off but I persisted in being polite.
If you feel you need to talk to your counsellor again, do. I wish you luck. PM me if you need to let off steam, I still have times when I feel angry about it.

lazarusb Sat 23-Jul-11 13:03:43

Btw - I also did some digging into her past and found out she'd been involved in the break up of 2 marriages previously.

cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 13:14:09

Thank you - that's a v kind offer (about PM'ing). And thanks for sharing your situation.

If I'm honest, I try to forgot about it day-to-day (without trying to sound like I've got my head in the sand) because it'll eat me up otherwise! I don't find it easy to forgive and forget and lessons do seem to have been learnt by both of us.

This other woman still has no idea about the threat she was to our marriage. She may have guessed the reason why DH went silent but she's never actually been told. I think on balance, I'd prefer it to remain that way, rather than DH telling her to clear off and not contact him again (which I think he would do if I asked but it seems a bet unnecessary).

noddyholder Sat 23-Jul-11 13:14:36

Why did she contact him 2 yrs later? That would make anyone cross and insecure. You need to keep talking.

cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 13:16:28

Aah - that rings a bell too - "my" OW has been the OW in a number of full-on affairs that she's had with people she's met through work

cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 13:18:19

She wondered how he was getting on hmm Asked him about whether we'd had more DC's, how he was getting on etc...

I fear it was the classic sort of "hook" to re-start "innocent" contact...

cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 14:55:58

Can't shake off the feeling that she's being predatory (again?) for whatever reason.

And have remembered that DH told me ages ago that their whole "friendship" started as on the first day they met (at work!) she told him completely out of the blue about her sexually explicit dream of the night before.

He thought she seemed like a good laugh hmm

FabbyChic Sat 23-Jul-11 15:17:10

Why has he not blocked her from emailing him? Because you can block individual senders from emailing you? Why had he not changed his email address if it is not work related? Surely you would have insisted that all channels of communication were blocked?

cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 15:18:52

It's his work email address. Anyone can email via a link on his work's website.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 15:31:22

I think your dh should have been much clearer with her, sorry

You can blame her all you like for being "predatory" but if she isn't getting clear signals...

Your DH may also have very much enjoyed the ego-stoke he was getting and he should have told her in no uncertain terms that he was not interested

he didn't

cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 15:42:55

Hello AF - glad to have some advice from a straight talker!

So, do you think he should just tell her to sod off now? It feels a bit, ummm, extreme given there's been two years silence.

BTW, that's why I was originally angry (years ago) when he replied to an email from her and then had no further contact with her. I felt that he should have told her to clear off then.

And what on earth would he say to her now without giving her any details of all the heartbreak we've been through? (which even our closest friends and family don't know about)

ShoutyHamster Sat 23-Jul-11 15:51:33

I would be very very hacked off.

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he is on his last chance. That betraying a trust a second time is not trivial. It doesn't matter one bit what the circumstances are: it was as clear as a bell to him - you told him exactly what you needed to happen should she contact him again and how you wished it dealt with.

He chose to lie to you again to avoid a row.

I would be making it clear to him that I would now be forced to continue putting our future in the 'maybe' catagory, because it's becoming clearer and clearer with each passing 'crisis' that, at heart, he is a liar and a potential cheat.

Tell him to take these words to heart - because he now ignores them at his peril.

Harsh, eh? That's exactly the tone you want, though. You want to scare the bejesus out of him right now - look him in the eye, and say - you are destorying my faith in you, and if you push it any further, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

He may not be a cheat but he's a bit of a spineless bullshitter, which in my opinion isn't a great combination.

Good luck.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 16:04:08

he doesn't have to tell her why her repeated contact is unwelcome

I can understand why you may not relish her being aware of how his and hers inappropriate relationship was so damaging to your own

just a simple "please stop contacting me" is sufficient, she doesn't have to know any more than that

if he is reluctant to rock the boat with her, I would be asking why her feelings are more important than yours

he owes her nothing right ?

cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 16:10:06

My fear is that any response will encourage her more, especially one that's out of sorts with their previous contact.

And that she'll start asking around mutual acquaintances as to what's promoted his change of tone, so a bigger deal will be made out of the whole thing

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 16:16:45

You are frightened of what will come out ?

What exactly went on ? Are you sure you are in full possession of the facts ? You don't seem it.

As far as your OP went, they got too friendly and he pulled back because he is happily married, right ? What is wrong with people knowing that ? If he were a work colleague of mine, I would smile and say "good call, mate, now where did I leave that fucking file ?"

Their inappropriate relationship is still having ripple effects on your life. Time to place it properly in the past, but only he can do it. If it is proving so difficult, I would be probing further, tbh, not accepting what he initially said was the truth about the extent of their relationship. Sorry, again

cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 16:27:27

No - he pulled back because I found out! He was enjoying the whole sordid flirtation.

As far as she knows, they were occasionally phoning, emailing etc and then he suddenly stopped for no reason (obv the real reason was of course that I found out). I'm pretty certain they never met on more than 1 or 2 work occasions

They share lots of mutual acquaintances and my concern is that if she all of a sudden gets an email saying "don't contact me again" after 2 years when they only ever had sporadic contact, she'll be v keen to find out what's going on.

Or is it only me that'd think that's odd? Genuine question - I have real issues with getting this into perspective.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 16:34:09

Ah, you saved him then ?

he hasn't ackowledged that really, has he ?

stupid man

I think an email like that out of the blue would be slightly odd, yes

He has now put you (and him) in the position of waiting for the next one, hasn't he ?

then he has to reply to her then to say he thinks her repeated approaches are inappropriate and she should stop

he doesn't have to say more than that

if she pushes, then she gets the "fuck off" email

for his weakness in the first place, he is still tarnishing his relationship with you

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 16:37:18

and really, you shouldn't care so much about what other people think (although I get the humiliation aspect...nobody would do that to me and get away with it, tbh)

however, since you have forgiven him and managed to keep it secret, it does seem like these things have a habit of coming back to bite us on the arse
particularly because he didn't deal with it properly in the first place

lazarusb Sat 23-Jul-11 17:18:36

Perhaps he should telling her to fuck off now. After all, it's been 2 years. I don't see why he would need to be polite, she must know they crossed a line. Or does his ego still need a boost? I think you need to make how you feel and what you want very clearly to him and make sure he acts in your favour.

In addition, you shouldn't worry about being humiliated, he was the one responsible for this. FWIW, my friends were universally supportive (and my humiliation happened at a school fundraiser so it was very public).

cluckingduck Sat 23-Jul-11 17:36:37

exactly - that's why I was so livid when she last tried to instigate an email conversation (2 years ago) and DH replied (v brief, only 3 or so words, but still...) without consulting me. I felt he'd just encouraged a reply.

She obviously then responded the same day but telling her then to sod off then in his 2nd response (which I would have wanted) would have been v odd.

So we were then sort of left with ignoring her as being the only option. And now she's here again.

I feel so let down over this. When we first got together, I can remember thinking that one of the things I admired in him was that he was honest and straightforward and he's being a spineless twat over this. I think he's embarrassed at what happened and thinks that by ignoring her, it'll go away.

TBH, I don't think she'll email him again soon-ish (and she can't ring as he changed his number) so I'll just have to hope we don't face this same dilemma in 2 years time...

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