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No idea how to react to this

(27 Posts)
Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Fri 22-Jul-11 23:06:34

The last 2 days my husband has seemed strange. I thought it was stress and overtiredness. This evening, he has arrived home from work, behaved oddly for an hour or so, and then sat me down and told me he's not happy and that he wants to spend the weekend at his parent's house. He has given me no answers to any questions apart from theres no one else and he still loves me. I'm shocked - I like to think of myself as an emotionally intelligent person and I really did not see this coming.

Our background in a nutshell: 10 years together, 3 years married. 3 and a bit years of trying for a baby, both of us seem to have fertility issues although doctors have not confirmed the exact nature. Put forward for IVF before Christmas. After Christmas the funding was revoked by our PCT. Arranged IVF overseas but were stopped at the last minute due to a supposed cyst...which turned out not to be a cyst at all (I know, you can't make this crap up). The stress combined with a shitty job made me decide to leave my job, although my husband seemed to support me in that, and I fought my way through what I think was depression. Now the funding is back on, and on Tuesday this week we found out we have our first IVF appt in London. My husband has also just recently taken on a job promotion which involves a lot more responsibility.

This month I have a temp job and have felt my confidence building. This last couple of weeks my husband has been working long days and I have worked hard to support him, doing all the cleaning, washing, shopping etc, despite normally sharing these roles. We are normally very affectionate both physically and verbally, he has still called and text often and last night he bought me flowers. Tonight he tells me hasn't been happy for a couple of months and everytime I asked 'Do you want to do the IVF?' 'Do you want to be married to me?' etc etc he just answers 'I don't know'.

I am afraid to say it but I veered from slight sobbing to rage - throwing some of the gifts his children had given at him, including mugs... (teacher, last day of term today). I ran out to my car and sat with the doors locked, talking to my sister. He came out and knocked on the windows but then walked off. When I walked back inside to get some clothes he said he wanted to talk, but I said 'what about? You're not giving me any answers'

I'm at my parent's house now, just numbly sat, while they wring their hands and say 'But you seem so happy'...

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Fri 22-Jul-11 23:07:25

And if you've read through that and not fallen asleep or been bored to tears, I congratulate you grin

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Fri 22-Jul-11 23:14:03

grin quite easy to read, don't worry.

Wow. Clearly something is going on with him, isn't it?

Maybe he's a coward and daren't be straight with you, or maybe he is being honest and the honest answer is he doesn't know what he wants. He's trying to work through whatever it is. Maybe something happened a couple of days ago or maybe he's had something building up for months and it's just come to a head in him now. Who knows?

I know it's hard, but try to stay calm. Chucking stuff about won't help you find out what's going on.

Hopefully, tomorrow you will be able to come together and talk.

lubeybooby Fri 22-Jul-11 23:19:10

Maybe he just needs a bit of space to work out what it is that's bugging him. Try ans just stay calm for now and ride this out, and talk after the weekend? I know it isn't nice but space can do the world of good sometimes

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 22-Jul-11 23:21:14

so glad i never bought DCs teachers mugs....

sounds like a massive mid life crisis to me. time for some counselling perhaps - sounds like you have gone through a lot of stresses and that does take its toll....i would give him a couple of days being without you and then return to do some serious talking.

i would book some Relate sessions if i were you. You need to be able to get everything out in the open with the heat taken out of the situation.

garlicbutter Fri 22-Jul-11 23:44:18

I agree about Relate, assuming nothing rises from the murk over the weekend.

You're going through a massive period of change - so much going on at once, most of it major. Wrt the IVF, there's a big psychological difference between choosing intrusive treatment to have kids, and just letting it happen kind of thing (this is why I chose not to have it, so you know I've given the matter much thought!)

I feel hugely for you. Excuse me for trying to guess how you're feeling - I imagine it's as though you were on a certain route, diversions notwithstanding, and had every reason to believe H was in the car with you? Suddenly it looks like his satnav wasn't set to the same destination as yours ... ?

I'm a bit scared to say it but, even if you get things resolved between you, you shouldn't treat it as all over. It will be a thousand percent more constructive for the pair of you to take this all very seriously; have the deep and honest conversations you've been too busy for. You've been swept along on an absolute flood of events, decisions taken in response to adversity, too many things taken for granted. You both need a hard, clear, think.

It's wonderful that your family are around you and you have the kind of sister you can turn to in a crisis smile Try not to let them tell you what you want to hear. Try and ask them to achieve ice-cold clarity with you, and to speak their minds freely.

I really wish you and H good guidance, wisdom and enough care.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Fri 22-Jul-11 23:46:35

I just don't understand it.

I don't place any demands on him. I'm loving, I work hard at anything I do, including finding a new job/making sure our finances are ok while I'm not in perm work. Yes, I was depressed but I'm so much better now. Why has he waited until the bloody first IVF appointment to do this? I've given him so many chances to say 'Actually no, this is not what I want'. He said this evening 'There was never going to be a good time' I MEAN WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK??

We're in our twenties. Sorry if I sound conceited but I'm attractive and I take care of myself. Of the two of us, I have the higher sex drive.

garlicbutter Fri 22-Jul-11 23:53:05

You're bloody right to feel angry!

But ... no, there never would have been a good time (worse if he'd waited until you were stuck full of surgical instruments and hormones ...) And marriages aren't multiple-choice exams. I realise you know that. But how hard you work, how pretty you are, etc, etc, aren't the point are they.

Sounds like you're feeling rejected and going "But, but, I'm a good catch!" Of course you are smile There's more to it, though, isn't there? You know, compatibility, shared ideals, all that stuff.

Time to work through it over the weekend - somewhat, at least.
Are you drunk? You should be!

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sat 23-Jul-11 00:00:33

Oh garlicbutter. Glass number one of vino, but it should be the tenth.

I know, thats exactly it. But if Cheryl Cole can't hold on to a man what hope do any of us have, eh?

garlicbutter Sat 23-Jul-11 00:06:30

grin It's not that she can't hold on to them, just that she picks the ones with insatiable egos. Cheryl would make a grand contributor to this forum!

Thrash it out with your family & friends, drink a bit too much and take very good care of yourself. "Because you're worth it" (said in Cheryl Cole voice, with swishing extensions.)

Oh, and maybe buy some reject crockery down the market? You can have a smashing session at the end of your mum's garden wink

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sat 23-Jul-11 00:39:43

I feel like I'm just sat waiting for him to want me now. My sister has just come in from work and i feel like she told me off. She says I need to stop talking and talking about it and distract myself.End of.

Is it that easy? I can't stop thinking about it.

garlicbutter Sat 23-Jul-11 00:58:39

Argh, no. I disagree with your sister, I think you need to pick it all over with people who have your best interest at heart. Avoidance doesn't solve anything (though is very useful in short bursts, hence the alcohol recommendation.)

Ideally you'll be able to CLARIFY what YOU want, medium and long term, and get a picture together of who you are now, where you're at and what you want ultimately (I mean which direction you ought to be heading). This is all about you right now.

You feel sad, angry, confused and so on, of course, and rightly. If I could give you any advice, it would be to let your big feelings out safely - break stuff, find some girlfriends to go clubbing with, run 10 miles, have a makeover, whatever works for you - and spend the rest of the time having meaningful, you-centred heart-to-hearts with people who know you well and care about you.

I hope you can find that this weekend.
x

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sat 23-Jul-11 05:58:43

Well, here I am. Still nothing from him. I dreamed of all the things he said. He was my first thought when I woke up. I feel very angry and only a tiny bit sad. I just feel so confused. He says he was unhappy, but why did he never show it? Never give me a chance to do anything to change things?

I've got people who are here for me but nothings making me feel any better.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sat 23-Jul-11 09:14:15

I'm sorry. This is a complete blow for you. It sounds like maybe he was swept along by events, perhaps going along with them but not really wanting what you wanted. It happens more often than you might think. Or maybe the reality of the situation has just hit him like a tonne of bricks. Maybe your lives revolve around getting pregnant and it's become an obsession. Or perhaps it's something else entirely.

I disagree with your sister. When something like this happens, you need to talk until your voice goes!

I know it's really hard, probably one of the hardest things you can try to do, but try to stay calm. If it's answers you want, you will not get them if you approach him yelling and screaming and crying and throwing stuff. Even though those things are perfectly reasonable under the circumstances! they are a total barrier to communication and will not cause him to sit down and be honest with you. Try to be calm, neutral, hear what he's saying. It's the only way you will get the answers you need and deserve. Nobody sits down and talks openly and honestly when someone is yelling and crying at them.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sat 23-Jul-11 10:17:05

He has feelings for the girl at work whose inappropriate texts back and forth I had questioned. I was right, and he has lied to me for 3-4 months, apparently.

He wanted me to talk face to face about it, at our house, but it is an hour and a half away from where I am at my parents - what would have been the point? I'm glad I managed to get him to tell me.

I feel oddly calm about it. I have little bursts of tears but I'm just angry. Help me, someone!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sat 23-Jul-11 10:33:03

Oh. I'm sorry. I was really hoping the 'something else' wasn't another woman. What are you going to do now? Might I suggest a time to think before you make any decisions. This is a lot to process.

fastweb Sat 23-Jul-11 10:39:16

Is it possible that when you lost your job he had a taste of being solely responsible for the family, and freaked out that if a child came into the equation the responsibility would be so much greater, for so much longer and to an even greater degree ll on him ?

When you lost your balance might that also have freaked him out ? In the sense that he is thinking, if you fell apart a little at the stress of the process to get pregnant and the crushing disappointment when it didn't go as planned, what would happen if something really awful happened, would he be left propping up you, holding the baby AND being wholly responsible for the family in the practical sense ?

Does any of that sound like a thought process he could get into and have wind him up to the point of flight or fight response ?

fastweb Sat 23-Jul-11 10:40:16

He has feelings for the girl at work whose inappropriate texts back and forth I had questioned. I was right, and he has lied to me for 3-4 months, apparently

Oh love I am so sorry, I posted before I saw this from you.

HerBeX Sat 23-Jul-11 10:49:27

"He has feelings" for this other woman?

What sort of bloody feelings? And have they manifested themselves in any physical acts?

This sounds like a classic pre-affair talk that hasn't gone the way he wanted it to. Normally, people who are planning to have affairs (not consciously), have that nebulous "I'm not happy... I don't know why I'm not happy... do something to make me happy... you are responsible for the fact that I'm not happy" conversation with their partner. This conversation leaves their partner feeling utterly bewildered and unable to understand what their partner is unhappy about (because s/he refuses to tell them) but for the person planning the affair, it gives them permission to have that affair - after all, they've given their partner fair notice that they're unhappy.

People who do this, don't even realise they're doing it. But it's classic not- taking-responsibility-for-the-fact-that-they-are-planning-an-affair behaviour. You have dealt with it the absolute best way, by refusing to sit there and ask questions like "why? what can I do to make it better? how can I fix this?" and escalating instead to treating it really seriously. This hopefully means, that this conversation you have, won't end the usual way - with the green light being switched on for a full blown physical affair. Your conversation will actually be meaningful, which isn't what your DH wanted from it, whether he consciously knows it or not.

Good luck with it.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 23-Jul-11 12:32:32

could he be getting freaked out about the whole IVF thing and could he have been seeking an 'escape'?

if you are in your 20's you are both still quite young, perhaps he has 'kicked back' if he felt he was on a roller coaster he couldnt get off? You sound very strong, and he sounds like he has just gone along with what you want.

im not making excuses for him, he has been an absolute coward, and you are right to be angry, and i agree that talking is the only way you will resolve this - ignoring it and following you sisters advice will lead to no good.

you really do need to leave it a few days and then speak, face to face. I would still investigate the possibility of counselling, it will give you an opportunity to say everything you need to say to him without him having the option to not hear it, if he wont go, i would strongly recommend you go on your own, to help you work through this.

im so sorry this has happened. best of luck,

garlicbutter Sat 23-Jul-11 14:03:44

Oh god, I'm sorry to hear about the other girl.

I do agree with the others, he might just have been scared about all your grown-up developments and been looking for an outlet. I have to say, though, that if his 'outlet' is having feelings for someone else, it doesn't augur very well for his value as a responsible partner, co-parent and everything else you hoped for with him.

I'm so, so sorry sad

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sun 24-Jul-11 15:36:15

Did a bad thing today. Facebook, the root of all evil, has allowed me to contact HER boyfriend and tell him my husband has left me for his girlfriend. I wonder what will happen now? I can't help but hope she has to not talk to my husband again. Does that make me a bad person??

muminthemiddle Sun 24-Jul-11 15:58:48

No you are not a bad person.
Do you know how far this attraction has gone?
Please don't blame yourself.
Will your dh agree to see a councillor with you?
I don't think it is necessarily the end of your marriage, many people act out of character under these levels of stress (ivf etc).
Sending you hugsx

LadyLapsang Sun 24-Jul-11 16:04:50

I think posting on Facebook like this may make a bad situation worse. Sounds like you've been together since your teens and of course relationships change as you grow and face challenges. Think you would do better in the long term to seek counselling either together or apart rather than both run back home to your parents in times of crisis.

Maybe resigning from your job earlier in the year made him realise some of the responsibilities he may face in the future and he got cold feet.

You say you don't place demands on him but being stressed / depressed and resigning from your job can place huge demands on a partner, whether or not you are attractive and have a high sex drive.

Basically I think you both need to go home and talk to each other.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sun 24-Jul-11 16:08:32

Thanks muminthemiddle. Right now counselling with fuckwit, as I have now newly christened him, is very far from what I'd like to do with him.

I'd like his dick to fall off.

I'd like her hair to fall out.

And I'd like a man on a white horse to come along, slash fuckwits tyres with his sword, and the carry me off into the sunset.

So why can't I stop these tears??

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